Gasping - the Play (9 page)

PHILIP: I’d
like to memo them too Kirsten.
Yes I would, I’d like to give them a bloody good memoing, I mean it ... and
it’s not just your......  people  I also love your...... presentation, you have
beautiful presentation  You’re a very special lady Kirsten ...

KIRSTEN:
What’s on your mind Phil, is there
a problem?

PHILIP:
Problem? a hundred and twelve types
of ‘no  way’! It’s just, it’s just that well Oh this is ridiculous, I don’t
need to be embarrassed, after all, I know how
you
feel.

KIRSTEN:
You do?

PHILIP:
Yes of course I do ... after what
you said in the office that day, about the tasty elephant with G-spots on his
geezer ...

KIRSTEN: Oh
you remembered.

PHILIP: Of
course I remembered,
Kirsty-wirsty. Christ I’m young, Christ I’m romantic, Christ I’m a tasty elephant
... The world’s beautiful and so are we...... And, I want you to know that it’s
all right......
I feel the same way.

KIRSTEN:
You do?

PHILIP:
Yes! isn’t that marvellous! It’s
like it was meant to happen.
You
feel it,
I
feel it ... we’re
already a team.

KIRSTEN
(very cold):
I’m sorry Philip, there’s no way it will work. Yes all right, I
admit what I feel, why shouldn’t I? But I had no idea you felt it too, honestly
if I’d thought for a moment that we both felt the same way then I would never
have started this damn thing.

PHILIP:
Christ, you girls don’t half make it
difficult! Look, pretty speeches aren’t normally my line, but I really do think
you’re one
hell
of a bit of skirt, top-notch totty, senior bint etc. and
any
normal
guy would have to be
blind
not to develop a major
horn
for you.

KIRSTEN:
Philip, trying to flatter me isn’t
going to change anything, if you know how I feel you should understand that.

PHILIP: Of
course I know how you feel, I
know you’re
hot
for the top stallion in the Lockheart stables, and I’m
ready and willing to take the jumps with you!!

KIRSTEN:
Right that’s enough! Just shut up
right now! It’s disgusting. I had no idea you felt this way, but let me tell
you I’m not sharing Sandy with you and if you two are planning some kind of
dirty little AC/DC three-up sex game, count me out!

PHILIP: Oh
come on baby, why don’t you just
drop the pretence, drop the inhibitions, drop your pantyhose and let’s do it! !......
Sharing Sandy? What ... what do you mean?

KIRSTEN:
You said you feel the same way I
do, well if you fancy Sandy go for it mate but don’t expect me along for the
ride.

PHILIP:
Uhm look, I think there’s a chance I
may have dropped something of a clanger here ... That day in your office, when
you were bowling hints that there was a hot, hunky guy at Lockheart and you
wanted in ... you were......referring to Sandy?

KIRSTEN:
Yes, I’ve liked him since that
first day at my office. I thought you knew. I talked about him half the evening
that night we went to dinner. I virtually never see him so I was hoping that
you might drop a hint in the right  direction Hang on Oh
God
this is funny,
you didn’t you didn’t think that I fancied
you?

PHILIP: Oh
no! not at all well yes, sort of......anyway,
ha ha, senior communication breakdown eh?

KIRSTEN: I
should say so.
God
that is
so funny!

PHILIP:
You should have gone through your
people ... or sent a fax ...

KIRSTEN: I
suppose it would have been
simpler. Still no harm done eh?

PHILIP:
No, of course not ... None
whatsoever ... You really think it’s funny do you?

KIRSTEN: Of
course, don’t worry about it,
I’m not offended or anything, I just think it’s an incredible joke don’t you?

PHILIP: Of
course, of course, of course. Ha
ha.

(Fade to
black.)

(A huge sob
is heard. Lights up, it is a little later,
SIR
CHIFFLEY
is at the podium,
PHILIP,
and
SANDY,
all in dinner jackets, respectfully flank him.)

CHIEF
(making speech):
...
Far in advance of any of our
competitors, Lockheart Air Division has completed this major central
distribution coordination master control room ... When it comes .on line, this
facility will be able to access sufficient oxygen to waft the whole of Greater
London for up to twenty-eight days ... The air industry has come of age. At
last we have a secure base from which to serve the public ... Now then
gentlemen, ladies, I’m sure I’ve spoken enough and lunch is waiting.

(He steps
down to polite taped applause. Immediately on tape the sounds of a crowd eating
and chatting start up.)

(Lights up.
It is a little later,
SIR CHIFFLEY
is at the podium,
PHILIP, GEOFF
and
SANDY,
all
in dinner jackets, respectfully flank him.)

CHIEF
(making speech):
...
and so the doctor said ‘Big breaths
Marjorie’ and Marjorie replied ‘Yeth doctor and I’m only thixteen’ ...
(after
small laugh)
Now, of course there is in fact a very serious point to that
story. For without the facilities that Lockheart Air Division can offer,
facilities like this Central London Wafter which Lady Olga has so kindly opened
for us — a wafter far in advance of anything our competitors are currently
providing — without that, no doctor would feel confident in ordering a patient
to take ‘big breaths’. Rather he would be obliged to say ‘tiny pants Marjorie’
which, let’s face it, quite apart from being totally inadequate on health
grounds, would be a completely different joke. So there you are then, I think
I’ve made my point, and now gentlemen, ladies, lunch is waiting.

(Lights up,
the event is over, tables are an empty mess, etc.

SANDY
and
PHILIP
are
with
CHIEF,
bow ties a bit undone
etc. PHILIP
is slightly pissed.)

PHILIP:
Well Chief, a splendid speech, and a
splendid launch in general...... very inspiring...... I feel great. I really
do.

SANDY:
Yes marvellous Chief, gives one a
terrific glow. Mind you, we ...

PHILIP
(rudely interrupting him):
Yes Chief, it’s certainly a wonderful facility.

SANDY
(ignoring
PHILIP):
We could have done without the
press going on and on about how much actual oxygen is getting through to the
consumer ...

CHIEF: I
share their concern Sandy, it’s the
classic problem of over-production. All the franchise holders have been sucking
away like a hyperactive Rent boy, and now the UK’s been semi sucked out and
we’re all sitting on huge tanks of compressed oxygen.

SANDY:
Everyone’s undercutting
(motions
to areas flashing on maps)
It’s beginning to look like a full-scale price
war Sir.

PHILIP
(aside to
SANDY):
Yes all right, just pack in the
leering innuendo bit OK? You can have her, I don’t give a toss.
(back to
CHIEF)
It isn’t so much the price I’m concerned about Chief, it’s more that not enough
air is actually being wafted to the breathing public.

CHIEF:
Well we can’t very well waft it until
we’ve agreed a decent price for it can we? Or what’s the point of sucking it in
the first place? We just have to get together with the other franchise holders
and establish a stable minimum price. Good lord, if a bunch of wops with
dishtowels on their heads can establish an oil cartel, I think we should be
just about able to set a decent price for a gulp of air.

SANDY:
Well I hope you’re right Chief,
things are very unstable at the moment. We’ve seen green stamps, air miles,
royal crested teaspoons, sherry schooners. It’s insane! Do they really want to
have to fight a free gift war? That’s the kind of war nobody wins.

PHILIP
(waspish):
Oh
God, state the obvious why don’t you
Sandy. Sorry Chief, I think his mind’s on
other things!!

(Nobody
really knows how to react.)

CHIEF:
A free gift war would be a nightmare,
we all know very well that free gift wars lead to shooting wars and by heaven I
shan’t allow hot headedness of that sort to ruin this industry. Look what’s
happened in France, organized crime, protection rackets. Thank goodness the
process leaves the atmosphere non-volatile so, within limits, it is possible to
administer an area on a regional basis.

SANDY:
Apart, of course, from the wind. PHILIP
(still waspish):
Yes well we all know
that.

SANDY:
Only two days ago in Hounslow, Essex
we’re scheduled to top up twelve thousand houses, plus the council is taking
delivery for its street wafting obligations. Our boys are two miles out of town
in a twelve sucker convoy. What happens ... the wind.

PHILIP
(unpleasantly imitating
SANDY):
‘The wind.’

SANDY
(ignoring him):
Suddenly everyone’s jumping for joy and stuffing their sucker tubes
out of the window.

PHILIP:
Well at least everybody got
something to breathe, I mean that’s important too isn’t it? I mean fair’s fair,
the wind’s the wind after all.

SANDY:
Philip, they were getting
free
air,
where the hell does that leave us?

CHIEF:
No Philip’s right, the wind is the
wind and I see no reason why we cannot put it to our advantage, most winds are
fairly seasonal. It seems to me not an unreasonable idea that we might
anticipate the majority of them.

PHILIP
(not understanding):
Ye-es.

CHIEF:
And send mobile suckers to the coast
in order to harvest the oxygen before the winds sweep inland. That way the
basic minimum gulp price will be protected and the legitimate consumer will be
protected from cowboys.

PHILIP:
Well of course, we have to protect
the consumer.

SANDY:
The needs of the customer must come
first.

PHILIP: I
just
said
that Sandy.

SCENE TWO

A
TV WEATHER
WOMAN
comes on and stands by map with her little cloud and rain stickers.
She tries to be jokey in a farty, weedy way.

WEATHER WOMAN:
Well I certainly hope some of
you were enjoying the beautiful sunshine we’ve been experiencing in the South
East. I know my roses were pretty pleased to see me ... I’ll tell you what ...
I don’t know about talking to plants, but if my roses could talk to me, I
expect they’d say uhm ... ‘Where have you been darling, don’t see much of you’
and ‘what about these greenfly?’ ha ha. Anyway moving on to tomorrow’s weather,
well the most exciting thing is some very strong winds coming in over the
Bristol Channel. Now these will be fresh in from the Atlantic and so they’re
likely to be completely full. Really brisk, lovely, oxygen-saturated winds, so
why not get the Suck and Blow in the car and go and pick a few breaths up for
nothing ... make a family picnic of it.