Gasping - the Play (13 page)

CHIEF:
Have you any idea how much grain was
destroyed in the eighties Philip? While people starved, how much milk was
poured away while babies screamed with want? Nobody likes it Philip, but you
can’t just give the stuff away; that way lies financial anarchy.

PHILIP:
I admire your strength of commitment
Chief. It would be so easy to make the obvious equation ... People are
suffocating: so burning oxygen is wrong. But you look further, you see the
practical necessities of modern finance.

CHIEF:
Somebody has to do it Philip. Anyway,
there is actually a very real upside to our present burning programme.

PHILIP:
There is?

CHIEF:
Oh absolutely, now there’s so little
oxygen in the exterior atmosphere obviously it’s not possible to burn anything ...

PHILIP:
Yeah, they’ve just disbanded
Britain’s last fire brigade.

KIRSTEN:
I got some super nostalgia spreads
in the tabloids ...

CHIEF:
So we’ve been able to do a rather
decent little deal with the EEC agricultural cartel selling them our oxygen to
burn their crops with. Now
that’s
the sort of sound economics and good
husbandry that keeps the world turning.

PHILIP
(still at window):
So there’s food besides air in these fires?

SANDY:
Damn right there is, how else do you
think agri-business is to maintain a fair price for its product?

PHILIP
(thoughtfully):
The works of man upon earth eh? They have an awesome and majestic
beauty.

CHIEF
(joining him at the glowing
windows, arm on shoulder):
God created nature
Philip, and man tamed it.

PHILIP:
One hell of a partnership.

CHIEF:
Yes but we haven’t completely tamed
the old fellow yet you know, he’s still got a few tricks up his sleeve.

PHILIP:
God?

CHIEF:
Clever old sod.
(with test tube)
Just
take a look at this Philip ... it’s green chlorophyll, the greatest enemy of
the Oxygen Industry. This little natural vandal could, in time, destroy us and
the jobs and revenue that we create.

PHILIP:
Bugger me backwards Chief, it hardly
seems possible: it’s so small, so insignificant.

CHIEF:
Well this isn’t all of it Philip,
obviously.

PHILIP:
Isn’t it? Oh I see, yes of course
not Chief.

CHIEF:
But there’s a dollop of this in every
leaf. In this.
(fingers the potted plants)
And in this. Every bit of
green is packed with the stuff, and every day, whenever the sun shines, it whittles
away, undermining the very basis of our great industry, threatening to cancel
out the carefully regulated stocks upon which the gulp price is calculated.

PHILIP:
But this must be quite awesomely
worrying for you Chief.

CHIEF:
It is Philip. Jemina. Mopsy. Janet
over there. They’re not just old friends any more. They are business
competitors. Now think of our motor industry, well what would happen to it if
nature started growing cars?

PHILIP:
It would be knackered Chief.

CHIEF:
Exactly, the situation has simply got
to be regulated or else it will become impossible to set a price or manage. the
industry. It is possible to chemically manufacture oxygen, I see no reason to
allow nature to do it ...

SANDY:
We have a global defoliation
programme all geared up and ready to go. We’ve tested the chemicals on over a
million beagles, and the last 100,000 or so survived more or less intact, so
that should shut up the environmentalists.

KIRSTEN:
I’ve been working on the trade
justification campaign for weeks.

CHIEF:
Obviously we can’t do it alone, it will
take world co-operation, but if the oil and motor industries can conspire
against the cheap clean electric car in order to protect their expensive, dirty
product, and the light bulb industry can sit on the everlasting bulb ...

PHILIP:
Painful.

CHIEF: ... I
see no reason why we shouldn’t
clear up this chlorophyll pest ...
(snips the head off
JANET) Tscch.
Business is business ...

PHILIP:
Chief, sorry to interrupt you when
you’re on a roll, but I think it’s time I cut right through the bull’s doodoo.
Forget green chlorophyll, forget burning food mountains, we’ve got problems so
huge you couldn’t fit them into an elephant’s trousers. Now I have an idea
Chief, it’s one I’ve been a-mulling for quite a time span. Interested?

CHIEF
(alert and interested):
Philip, it’s a fool who thinks he’s nothing left to learn ... A fellow
might wake up one morning thinking he’s seen everything, and then he accidentally
squats over a mirror and surprises himself. What’s on your mind?

PHILIP:
Well before I switch to explanation
mode Chief, there’s a degree of corporate restructuring that I’d like to
implement in my capacity as President of the air division.

CHIEF:
Carry on Philip.

PHILIP
(with his back to
KIRSTEN,
perhaps taking an offhand
interest in some portfolio):
Uhm yes, it appears
that while I was away, we seem to have taken some rather expensive media
wallahs onto the staff. I’m thinking particularly of the uhm ...
(checks
document)
ah yes, the Kirsten girl from Image Control ...

KIRSTEN:
Philip!

PHILIP:
Chief I’m looking at shrinking
demand, I’m looking at shrinking profit, this is a time for retrenchment not
reckless expansion so I’m afraid we’re going to have to let her go ...
(turning
round)
Kirsten, you’re sacked.

KIRSTEN:
Philip, I don’t believe this, if
this is just petty jealousy ...!

PHILIP:
Look, I don’t have time for
histrionics, lovey. Sir Chiffley and I have an entire air industry to turn round
and frankly pretty adverts just ain’t going to get the job done. Your desk has
been cleared, the magnetic on your security laminate has already been wiped.
You’re out OK?

KIRSTEN:
I don’t deserve this Philip ...

CHIEF:
Harsh stuff Philip, I can’t help
feeling ...

PHILIP:
Chief, this is my Pot Noodle, I
started it, I’m President of it and by buggery I’m going to build
my
team,
with the people
I
want. Now if you have a problem with that Chief then
fine, but there is no way I am telling you my brilliant new idea while that
woman is in this room.

CHIEF:
There’s a new vigour to your staff
relations Philip, I like it.
(to
KIRSTEN) Goodbye, we’re all terrible
sorry to see you go.

KIRSTEN:
Sandy, say something!

PHILIP:
Yes come on Sandy, say something. Which
is it to be, the totty or the company? Don’t dither.

SANDY:
Uhm ... I ... well ...

PHILIP:
Chief that’s the kind of dither span
that could lose us upwards of a trillion yen on the floor in Tokyo. Get out
Sandy, we’ll discuss it later. Get out both of you, if I’m going to pull the
Chief’s irons out of the fire I don’t need dead wood adding to the flames ...
(KIRSTEN
is at the door)
Kirsten, I want you to remember this.

(KIRSTEN
turns and looks, then turns on her heel and exits.
SANDY
makes a mute appeal to the
CHIEF,
he shrugs and nods towards the
door.)

CHIEF
(as they leave):
Quite a scene Philip. I hope your ideas justify the preamble.

PHILIP:
Hope trade’s pretty light on the
international markets Chief, I sell certainties ... I’ve been looking at the
whole downside on the Private Air initiative and I reckon I’ve come up with my
best idea yet. I’m
very
excited, so excited in fact that I haven’t even
told my people, I’ve brought the whole caboodle straight to the top. This is
very much a between ourselves initiative Sir, we can take no risks of
interference.

CHIEF:
Now this really is exciting ...
(back
to desk, brisk and excited, he hits buttons)
Full security if you’d be so
kind Miss Hodges, I believe we have a potential Pot Noodle in the building ...
(more
buttons and the same security measures as in first act happen, great metal
screens on windows and doors etc....
of course the flaming flickering
and ‘crumps’ from outside are now shut out, lights as normal)
All right
Philip, we have maximum security, and you have my maximum attention.

PHILIP:
OK Chief, as you know I’ve been
pondering the world implications of our colossal Pot Noodle ever since the
first pensioner turned purple?

CHIEF:
Absolutely, and it does you credit
Philip, it’s essential to keep your eye on what I believe is currently called
the downside.

PHILIP:
Always watch the ground, what
profiteth it a man to look to the top of the mountain if he’s got dog do on his
shoes. Anyway ... for quite a while I was able to rationalize the major human-suffering
downside of our industry ... I accepted that some have more air than others,
that profits have to be made ... But I can’t deny that I rather stuck on the
mass suffocation bit.

CHIEF:
But Philip, you’ve always been
perfectly happy to live in a world that countenances mass starvation ... mass
homelessness ...

PHILIP:
Granted Chief, senior good point.
It’s just whereas you saw the example of food and shelter as justifying our air
activities ... I’ve rather come to see the air example as telling us something
about food and shelter.

CHIEF:
Rather tortured logic if I might say
so Philip. In fact I’m not altogether sure I follow it ... Have you got an idea
or haven’t you?

PHILIP
(excited):
Definitely Chief, no seriously, it’s a whopper, a real whale’s love
weapon ... Let me take you through its base line development.

CHIEF:
I would be delighted.

PHILIP:
Well, I was looking at the
suffering, the recession, the poverty, the suffocation that I had been a large
part of causing ... and I had this huge idea ...

CHIEF:
Yes!

PHILIP:
I thought, ‘I know, I’ll kill
myself.’

CHIEF:
By which you mean?

PHILIP:
Kill myself.

CHIEF
(after pause): ...
So it’s not a metaphor? You actually mean,
kill yourself, that’s your idea?

PHILIP:
Yes.

CHIEF:
But for God’s sake Philip, what are
you saying? How can you blame yourself my boy, it was just good business,
that’s all, you’re being stupid, foolish ...

PHILIP:
Well yes, I must admit that after a
bit that’s what I thought as well Chief.