Gasping - the Play (7 page)

(An
enormously thick newspaper of seven or eight inches.)

PHILIP:
A copy of last week’s
Sunday
Times.
Superb article on arms smuggling, terrific graphic of a huge arrow
with a gun drawn on it, going from Iraq to a Semtex factory in Czechoslovakia,
made it all so clear ...

KIRSTEN
(taking a thin section from the
huge paper):
Take a look at Section 27, part 4, the
‘Lifestyle’ pull-out is devoted entirely to the second-hand Suck and Blowers.
The domestic market is saturated, we need to target much more specifically,
there are a thousand areas in which people could be persuaded to expect private
air. Doctors’ waiting rooms, bus stations, theatres, factories.

PHILIP:
So you think with the right marketing
you can de-glitch the gusset?

KIRSTEN:
With the right marketing you can do
anything you want Philip. If we handle this glitch properly, before we know it
Lockheart will make you President of the whole air division ... but it needs
the right marketing.
(tiny hint of sauciness)
And of course with the
right marketing ... girl.

PHILIP
(suddenly nervous):
...
Well, we’ve ... uhm, I mean
I’ve
or
rather we’ve, I’ve, certainly got that Kirsten. I don’t know what Suck and Blow
would have done without you.

KIRSTEN:
Or me without it. You know Philip,
this campaign has been pretty exciting for me ... in more ways than one.

PHILIP
(tongue-tied):
So.
(his voice breaks into squeak)
How’s ... I’m sorry,
(deep
voice)
how’s that Kirsten?

KIRSTEN
(a bit sexily):
We-ell, let’s just put it this way ... That there’s a certain
horny
chick from Creative Marketing
(touches him teasingly)
who’s been
working pretty closely with a certain
hot
guy from Lockheart ... And
this certain horny chick reckons this certain hot guy is sort of special, OK?
You know, a real
tasty geezer!
Are you with me Phil?

(More flirty
touching.)

PHILIP:
Ah, hmm, yes, uhm ...

KIRSTEN:
What’s more I’ve got a kind of
girly suspicion that with the right persuasion he’d rut like a charging
elephant and could find a G-spot blindfold with his hands tied behind his back.

PHILIP
(very embarrassed):
Coo, Harry hot in here isn’t it? I’ll just open a window shall I?

KIRSTEN:
Now don’t change the subject ... anyway,
better not, the air’s been sucked a bit thin out there today ...
(crosses to
him)
But what I want to know, Philip, is do you think I’m right about this
hot
hunky
guy ... ? After all ...
(touches him again)
you know him much
better than I do.

PHILIP:
Well I ... hmmm, yes, elephant you
say? God, I don’t know ... perhaps
(hurriedly packing briefcase)
... Look,
hell Kirsten I’ve really got to charge, I mean rut, I mean run! Meetings to
orgasm, I mean organize. People to sex, see! ... Anyway, right, bye!

KIRSTEN:
You won’t forget what I’ve said
will you Philip?

PHILIP:
Twelve types of no way, I mean, no
way for sure!

(Blackout. In
the darkness we hear
PHILIP
cry out in frustration.)

PHILIP:
Oh Barry Bollocks!!!

(During the
continued blackout we hear the voice of a theatre announcer.)

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen, before we
continue with tonight’s performance you may like to know that before our next
production, which will be Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new musical
Aspects of
Mussolini,
this theatre will be fitted with Suck and Blow machinery
throughout so that all our patrons may enjoy the safety and the quality of one
hundred per cent filtered private air. Thank you for your attention.

SCENE SEVEN

SANDY
is walking across stage, with
briefcase and portable phone, doing business in the street.

SANDY:
Hallo Gary? Yeah we won the case,
Philip is going to sodding
ejaculate!
... Yeah the judge ruled parents
have the right to switch their kids’ schools on air cleanliness grounds, the
implications are enormous ... I really think it’s time we started pressing the
Home Office on prisons, I mean quite apart from the humanitarian arguments,
with minor adjustments it could be a superb way of inputting tear gas ...
(a
ringing)
Oh bugger, hang on Gary ...
(produces a second phone)
Yo
Tony! Just talking to Gary ...
(into first phone)
Gary, it’s Tony ...
(back
to second phone)
Tony, can you hold ...
(back to first phone)
Yo
Gary, I’m back ...
(another ringing)
Bugger! Hang on Gary ...
(into
second phone)
Hang on Tony ...
(produces a third phone)
Speaking ...
Great Jurgen,
guten Tag
...
(first phone)
Gaz, its Jurgen ...
(second
phone)
Tone, it’s Jurgen
(third phone)
... Listen Jurgen, I’m just
speaking to Gary and Tony ...
(another ringing)
Bollocks ...
(first
phone)
Hang on Gaz ...
(second phone)
Hang on Tone ...
(third
phone) Eine Minute
Jurgo ...
(answers fourth phone)
Yo ... Geoff
thanks for getting back ...
(first phone)
Gaz, it’s Geoff ...
(second
phone)
Tone, it’s Geoff ...
(third phone)
Jurgo, its Geoff ...
(fourth
phone)
Listen Geoff, you’ll have to hold, I’m just talking to Gaz, Tony and
Jurgen ...
(another ringing)
Heigh ho.
(first phone)
Gaz, I’m
pulling in a lot of favours here but I’m going to need two ticks’ worth of
breathing space ...
(second phone)
Tone, it’s got to be a peco-sec
minimum ...
(third phone) Achtung
Jurgo, look it’s a totally
Donner
und Blitzen
Situation over here, I feel like an utter
Schweinhund
but
you’ll have to hold ...
(fourth phone)
Geoff, I’ve got LA in one ear,
Frankfurt in another and the Space Shuttle in a third, be right back ...
(he
produces fifth phone either from under a hat or straight out of the Khyber
Pass)
Phil ! Yeah we won ! The anti-air lobby got a
serious
case of
brewer’s droop ... Phil, give me an eighth of a tick ...
(first phone)
Listen
Gaz, talk to Tone
(he holds both phones together in one hand
...
third
phone)
Jurgo?
sprechen Sie mit
Geoff will you?
(two phones
together in other hand
...
fifth phone is now between knees)
Phil?
(with
briefcase under arm he begins to bunny-hop off whilst talking into fifth phone)
Yeah, you have to believe it Phil, their dicks were pointing
south
...

(A sixth
ringing as lights go. This time the ringing is very loud to cover him hopping
off)

SCENE EIGHT

Lights straight up again. The boardroom.
CHIEF, PHILIP, SANDY.
There
is champagne as in the first scene. The phone continues to ring from end of
previous scene.
SANDY
is
demonstrating.

CHIEF
(interrupting
SANDY,
picks up phone):
Not now Miss Hodges.

SANDY:
So as you can see Chief, I’m very
excited; what I’m barely suppressing here is blue chip, gilt-edged excitement ...
since Philip and Kirsty bashed out their deep penetration policy ...

PHILIP
(distracted):
If only ...

SANDY:
Sorry?

PHILIP:
Nothing.

SANDY:
In the incredibly short time since
then, private air has become the bottom line for just about any enclosed space
in the country. Sales are soaring steeper than an up bound 747 scraper-hopping
out of Hong Kong.

CHIEF:
Yes, and I think perhaps a small
celebration is in order ...
(crossing to drinks trolley)
Gentlemen, allow
me to propose a toast ... a toast to Philip, the first President of the entire
Lockheart Air Division.

SANDY
(surprised):
Hells bells! Senior career upswing! Well done Philip!

PHILIP
(surprised but a little
preoccupied):
President ...
!
Chief I had no
idea ... I don’t know what to say.

CHIEF:
You seem a trifle underwhelmed my
boy.

PHILIP:
Oh no way Chief, I mean absolutely
thirty-seven types of no way Chief!

CHIEF:
Philip, I am Sir Chiffley Lockheart.
I have more money than God and I am not a fool, please don’t treat me as one.
What’s on your mind?

PHILIP
(slightly taken aback):
Well I ...

CHIEF:
Come on, out with it, nobody loves a
shillier, no more do they a shallier, let us have your thoughts .

PHILIP
(after a moment’s hesitation):
Chief, nobody wants to poop on the parade but I pride myself on
being a realist, I like to think I give better realism than an omnibus edition
of
EastEnders.
Well this is where I get real. Chief, the party’s over.

SANDY
(shocked):
What!

CHIEF:
You surprise me Philip.

PHILIP:
What can I tell you? I am hoovering
up stale crisps and trying to get red wine stains out of the shag pile. The
party is definitely on its last legs. I don’t like it, my people don’t like it,
but there you are. The problem is Sir that the machines store too much. People
are strange fish, the capacity exists so they fill it ... they are stockpiling
oxygen.

(PHILIP
hands out reports.)

CHIEF:
I’m aware of that development Philip,
kindly explain the problem. It’s not as if the world is short of oxygen, we’d
need literally billions of machines to noticeably affect the make up of the
atmosphere.

PHILIP:
Oh absolutely Sir, in broad terms
there is clearly no problem ... locally however, the story can be somewhat
different. As you are aware Sir, when the machines suck in oxygen they create
an equal and opposite amount of carbon compounds, hence there is no pressure
drop.

SANDY:
Which has been considered essential
right from the very beginning, no unseasonal winds are created, the weather
remains unaffected.

PHILIP:
Hmm yes, unfortunately until a
natural wind blows ... within the localized environment, where mass sucking is
taking place, there can develop a bit of a shortfall on breathing material ... not
for very long, but well, ‘not very long’ is actually quite a while in
respiratory terms ... It’s suddenly all got rather serious, in some areas brief
periods have arisen where strolling for a bus has been a similar experience to
climbing Mount Everest.

SANDY
(looking at report):
Unfortunately, without the accompanying exhilaration, sense of
personal achievement and potential to capitalize on your name through
commercial sponsorship.

CHIEF:
I see.