Gasping - the Play (12 page)

(The
REPORTER
wanders off)

SCENE EIGHT

A plastic tunnel stretches across the
stage, the back half of it anyway, obviously the front part is open for the
audience to see in.
SANDY
bustles on with the
CHIEF,
both wearing hard hats.

SANDY:
Sorry I was late Chief, some bastard
actually broke in and stole my air! Just whipped the balloon right off the
sucker, I mean Christ that is sick! Bloody ironic as well, it must have
happened while I was in the sitting room watching the ITV Breathathon ... To
think while I was trying to get through to the credit card hotline to let a
baby breathe, some bugger was actually taking the air from right under my nose.

CHIEF:
Yes, Lady Chiffley doesn’t feel safe
outside any more, there’s so many people on the streets hanging about breathing
... Apparently they can’t afford to waft their own homes so they stay out half
the night breathing public air.

SANDY:
We saw you on the Breathathon though
Sir, donating the Lockheart cheque, it was so great to see you with all those
alternative comedians. Terrific for the company image. And so incredibly
worthwhile. I couldn’t believe it when they cut to that beautiful little
Sudanese baby and said our cheque would keep fifty thousand like her breathing
for a year. Kirsten cried ...

CHIEF:
Yes, well it was a fun night and
we’re all proud to have done our bit to help, but we have work to do. How are
we progressing with the breather tubes?

SANDY:
Terrifically Chief, as you can see,
we’re well on course
(motioning round).
The tubes are fashioned from a
fully translucent plastic substitute hence, while enjoying the air, the public
user, be they a housewife going about her usual workaday routine, busy
executive or overseas visitor, they will be afforded an unrivalled view of the
on-street features and the shopping opportunities available outside
(showing
it all of]).

CHIEF:
Yes, well I must say it looks very
smart.

PHILIP:
Many thanks Chief, my people are
good, damn good, there isn’t one of them that isn’t being individually groomed.
The secondary advantages of the Breather Tube system need, of course, no
explanation, so if I can just explain them, they are in the areas of civic
cleanliness, and the prevention of civic skin cancer ...

CHIEF:
Sandy, the advantage of these tubes
is that if you are inside one you won’t suffocate.

SANDY:
I’m certain they’re going to prove an
enormous earner. With councils cutting back so heavily on the strength of their
atmosphere, anyone who can possibly afford it will choose to use the Lockheart
Oxygenated walkways. Entrance as you can see is facilitated by credit card, so
if Access and Visa want in they’d better get ready for the pips to squeak ...

CHIEF:
Excellent. Excellent.

SANDY:
Shops who want to be connected up to
the tube will of course have to pay massive rental on their entrance ...

CHIEF:
And of course they’ll all have to
connect because any halfway decent customer is going to be in the first-class
tubes ...

SANDY:
Uhm, actually I was speaking to
Kirsten about that term Sir, she felt the term ‘first-class ‘rather divisive
and suggested the more user-friendly ‘Alpine class’.

CHIEF:
I was not aware we had anything to
apologize for Sandy.

SANDY:
Well either way Sir, I think a major
back-slapping session is in order Chief, these tubes have definitely opened up
another serious market for Lockheart Oxy.

CHIEF
(snaps):
They haven’t opened anything up! All they have done is managed to
recoup a little of what we are losing through the never-ending cut backs in
oxygen consumption that our industry faces every day ...

SANDY:
Yes but ...

CHIEF:
There are no buts, just facts. We
have developed these tubes in response to dizzy shoppers demanding breathable
air at street level.

SANDY:
Exactly and ...

CHIEF:
And the reason that demand exists is
because of Poll Tax capped councils cutting further and further back on the
amount of oxygen they waft. Do you know what’s going to happen next? I shall
tell you, local councils are going to ask themselves, why, if the private
sector can enclose the environment, can’t they? They’ll build their own civic
walkways beside ours ... The simple fact is that people are learning to live
with much less air.

SANDY:
Pretty chilling thought Sir.

CHIEF:
I remember young Philip saying that
the party was over a few months before he went on leave. I hope the poor chap
isn’t proved right.

SANDY:
The guy just couldn’t take the
pressure of down-swing Sir.

CHIEF:
The short-term solution is simple, we
sell less air, but we charge more for it. I feel certain that the other members
of the cartel will have no objections to raising the minimum gulp price. What
happens in the long-term we shall have to ponder, but believe me, there is a
recession coming, and when it does, it will be a cruel wind that blows and it
won’t bring any of us any good.

(A huge wind
is heard.

The muffled
crumps of explosions. The theatre flickers orange with flames, interspersed
with bright red-orange flashes.)

SCENE NINE

CHIEF’s
office.

The huge windows glow red, there are
clearly enormous fires going on outside, occasionally there is a hot
flash
followed by a muffled crump. Obviously the effect should be
dramatic.
KIRSTEN, SANDY,
the
CHIEF
and
PHILIP
(possibly
heavily sun-tanned). Perhaps another trolley of champagne.

CHIEF:
Well now Philip my dear boy, it’s
splendid to have you back on side.

PHILIP:
It’s good to be back Chief. I’m
tanned, I’m fit, I’m raring like a rarerer.

CHIEF:
I can’t tell you how happy that makes
me, you’re my top man, you know that. Sandy’s been heading up your presidency
portfolio in your absence, but I know how delighted he’ll be to hand the reigns
back to you.

SANDY
(obviously not):
Delighted, Philip. It’s a total pleasure ...

CHIEF:
Sandy’s good Philip, damn good, but I
need creative thinking at the very top. Some people discover Pot Noodles, some
people make sure that they’re stacked neatly on shelves. I think Sandy
understands the difference.

SANDY
(a bit taken aback):
Well, I ...

KIRSTEN
(defensively):
Sir Chiffley, I don’t think that’s ...

CHIEF:
So tell me Philip, you’ve been on the
outside looking in for a while, what are your impressions of the situation. Not
idyllic by any means I imagine.

PHILIP:
Chief I’m a straight talking man,
I’m not the sort of person to beat up a bush or waste words on mincers. The
situation as I see it is serious.

SANDY: ...
Yes it’s serious Chief, but with
major plant closures ...

KIRSTEN: ...
Strategic lobbying, saturation
mail-shots ...

CHIEF:
Shut up Sandy, you too Kirsten.
Philip’s right, the whole industry has gone haywire, it’s the 1973 oil glut
crisis all over again. There is simply too much bloody air around.

PHILIP
(surprised):
Too
much
air Chief? Difficult to see that, I had to step over
a couple of prostrate gaspers just between the car and the office.

CHIEF:
Exactly. People aren’t breathing
enough of the bloody stuff. Philip my boy, it would be as well if we faced the
facts squarely and like men. A combination of huge stockpiles and massively
decreased demand have forced this great industry of ours into a vortex-like
recession. It’s time to face the music. I’m afraid it’s going to be pretty
unpleasant.

PHILIP:
Bananarama time.

SANDY:
Philip’s right of course, the
situation is bloody serious. Kirsten’s been running background makes on ...

KIRSTEN:
Yes I’ve got Venn diagrams that
will ...

CHIEF:
Young lady, when I’m up to my neck in
shit I don’t need a graph to tell me how deep it is ... (SANDY
laughs
sycophantically,
KIRSTEN
shoots him angry look)
There aren’t many
single industries big enough to create recessions that grow into full-scale
depressions ... oil, automobiles, dieting, cosmetic surgery in the States ...

PHILIP:
Phew! You’re right there Chief, I
remember when Cher imploded. The whole industry collapsed. Let me tell you,
when it comes to cosmetic surgery, if the bottom falls out, you might as well
go home.

CHIEF:
And likewise with air Philip; if we
go down, the rest follows.

PHILIP:
Nice to be up there with the big
ones Chief.
(he crosses to the window)
I must say this African oxygen
doesn’t half burn.

SANDY:
It should burn, the price Kirsten and
I paid for it.

KIRSTEN:
We had a marvellous trip, Philip. I
brought you back a Nobbuck made out of dried bark and berries. It rattles when
you shake it.

PHILIP:
Hmm, yes, actually I’ve been meaning
to ask you about this Chief. I mean, seeing as how it cost us so much and well,
seeing as how the world is positively seething with purple faced gaspers, and I
must stress here Chief,
children
are involved ... is it actually really
one hundred per cent necessary to burn so much oxygen? I mean, really?

CHIEF:
Philip you know as well as I do that
there is only one way to guarantee an adequate supply of oxygen and that is for
the world to realize that if it wants to breathe it’s going to have to accept
reasonable pricing levels ...

PHILIP:
Hmm yes, but ...

CHIEF:
The only way we can hope to recoup
some of the cost of total world sucking is to force up the price, and the only
way to do that is to rationalize stocks.
(another huge glow and ‘grump’
noise at the windows)
... We can’t sell the stuff, and having so much of it
hanging around totally destabilizes the price ...

PHILIP
(staring out of the window):
I still can’t help feeling somehow that people could have breathed
that stuff ...

SANDY:
Philip’s been away a while Sir. I
don’t think he understands the new reality.

PHILIP:
I think I’m looking at it Sandy.

KIRSTEN:
The whole effect will look great on
my corporate video. It’ll really gee up the sales force.