Freeing Carter (44 page)

"
Me, too. And
thanks. So
,
what happened? If you want to talk about it.
"

"
Ball
,"
I say and he hands it over. It feels good just to hold the leather in my hand.
"
A lot. I don
'
t really want to go into it all
,
but it ended with Kira and I sneaking Sara out of the house at six in the morning and we
'
ve been at Bill
'
s ever since. I haven
'
t talk
ed
to Mom. She told Bill she needed a couple days.
"
Saying it makes me feel like I
'
m cracking apart. That Mom is digging everything out of me that matters
,
because she needs a couple days
,
away from me. After everything
,
she can
'
t even talk to me. Does she hate me? There
'
s a piece of me who still hates myself
.

"
Damn
...
Kira?
"

"
L.A. Just left today. She wanted to wait
,
but she needed to go.
"

"
That sucks. I
'
m sorry
,
about everything.
"

I hand him back the ball.
"
Me
,
too. For your parents and everything else.
"
Pushing off the curb
,
I stand up
,
and then hold out my fist. Travis bumps it with his.
"
Come on
.
Game
on Friday and you need all the practice you can get.
"

He laughs.
"
Not me. I
'
m a kickass center
. Beating down anyone who comes into my zone.
"
But he
'
s standing and following me anyway.

***

Bill straightens his glasses
,
making me know he has something big to say. I lean against his kitchen table
,
waiting for him to tell me what else is going wrong.
"
What is it? Just tell me.
"
Don
'
t let her hate me. Let me have done the right thing.

"
Your mom wants t
o know if she can
talk to you. I
'
m going to take Sara out for a bit
,
and then bring her back so Delilah can talk to her
,
too.
"

Mom wants to know if she can talk to me? What a screwed up situation. She shouldn
'
t have to ask
,
but I
'
m glad she did.
"
Yeah
.
I
...
Do
you know what
'
s going to happen?
"

Bill takes a couple steps toward me.
"
I do
,
but I think it
'
s better that you wait for her to tell you
,
but I want you to know
,
no matter what
,
we
'
ll make it work out. You
'
re welcome in my home as long as you need to be here and
,"
he holds out his hand
,
"
you're
a good man
,
Carter. I
'
m proud of you. I know I
'
m not your father
,
but I do love you. I
'
d be honored to have a son like you.
"

My eyes sting again
,
but I try to concentrate on shaking Bill
'
s hand instead. I
'
m so done with the tears.
"
Thanks. For taking us in and everything else.
"

"
It
'
s not a problem
,
son. You
'
re a part of my family
,
too.
"
He looks toward his hallway.
"
I
'
m going to grab Sara and we
'
ll head out. Your mom
'
s waiting outside and when we leave
,
she
'
ll be in.
"

My voice begs me to shout at him. To tell him no
,
that I changed my mind and I
'
m not ready to talk to her yet
,
but I swallow it down. I have to do this.

Sara and Bill leave a few minutes later. My leg is bouncing like crazy as I sit at the kitchen table waiting for Mom. When I hear the front door creak
,
I freeze.
I don
'
t know if I can do this.
I keep seeing her hands come at me when she tried to fight me. The tears and the screams overloading my brain.

And then she
'
s there and I don
'
t have a choice. Even though I
'
m looking at her
,
I don
'
t say anything and she doesn
'
t say anything
,
but I notice she looks older somehow. Tired. She
'
s wearing a long sleeve shirt and I can
'
t help but wonder how the bruise looks.

Mom lets out a breath and I can hear how shaky it is
,
and then she comes over and sits down at the table with me.
"
I
'
m going into inpatient care for a bit.
"

The ache in my chest balloons so much I think it could make me burst. Inpatient. Committed? Still
,
I can
'
t make myself speak.

"
I have
...
I have a lot of issues to work through
,
Carter
,
and they can help me the most.
"

"
What happens there?
"
I mumble.

"
Detox
,
first. I
'
ll be in therapy
,
too. I should have done this a long time ago
,
because of your grandpa and then loosing Tommy
.
I need to learn how to deal with it all. If I had
,
things wouldn
'
t have gotten to where they are now. I haven
'
t been dealing and above anyone else
,
you
'
ve suffered for it. I
'
ll never forgive myself—
"
She chokes out the words. I want to tell her it
'
s okay
,
but I know now it
'
s not. I used to think the only thing that mattered is that she didn
'
t mean it
,
that she had to deal with a lot and that she deserved a way to unwind. It
'
s not true. It
'
s not okay. None of it.

"
What about the store? Sara and I?
"

"
Your dad
'
s parents are coming to help. They
'
ll be here in a couple of days.
"

My eyes stretch wide.
"
You called them?
"

Mom gives me a sad smile.
"
I can
'
t hide anymore. I can
'
t deny it. And they love us. They want to help. They
'
re going to stay at the house. You can stay there with them or—
"

"
No.
"
No way.
"
Sara
'
s going to be freaked out enough. I want to stay here with her.
"

For the first time today
,
she starts crying. I
'
m not sure what I said to make her upset.

"
I knew you
'
d say that. I wish Tommy could see you now. You
'
re better than the both of us put together.
"

Those are the words that break me. Anger? Pain? A combination? I don
'
t know. My vision blurs. My chest feels like it
'
s crushed it. I can
'
t hold any of it back any more. Because if I was so good
,
if she knows that so much
,
why are we here? Why are we dealing with this?
"
You
hit
me. All I wanted to do
was
carry you up the stairs and
you. Hit. Me.
You were bruised and passed out with my little sister upstairs! You told me I
'
d leave you
,
for what? Going away to school?
"

I shove myself to my feet so hard
,
the chair falls over. I don
'
t pick it up and she doesn
'
t defend herself so I keep going. Letting out years of pent-up pain.
"
Do you know what it feels like to see your mom drunk and passed out? To carry her up the stairs? To know where she hides bottles? Did you know I hear it in your voice? Smell it in the house? I
'
m seventeen years-
old and I
'
m a fucking expert on alcoholics!
"

I can hardly see because of tears and anger. My muscles contract
,
begging me to do something to help them release.
"
I call you just to hear your voice and know if you
'
ve been drinking. I pay attention when you wake up
,
how you wake up
,
so I know. I watch the stupid light under your door so I know how late you stay up. Do you get that? Do you know how that feels? I watched my girlfriend wipe
vomit
off my
mom’s face
.
"

"
Carter—
"

"
No! I
'
m not done. I
'
ve lied to my friends
,
to Bill
,
to
myself.
I was scared for Sara
,
but more scared for you! I kept your secrets. I
hated
you. I
hated
myself and you didn
'
t care! You kept drinking. You told me you
'
d quit
,
but you didn
'
t. You
chose boozing it up over me
! You cared more about your fix than what it did to us.
"

She
'
s crying and I
'
m crying
,
but there
'
s so much anger too. I
'
m hot
,
sweating. My hands itch for a basketball. Or to hit a wall. Anything to distract me from her.
"
Sara was
there
Mom. Sara.
"
My voice is hardly over a whisper now.
"
What if I couldn
'
t protect her?
"

"
Oh
,
Carter.
"

I lean against the wall
,
and slide down. Mom walks over
,
kneeling in front of me
,
but still not touching me.
"
It
'
s not your job to protect her. It
'
s mine.
I
am the one who
'
s failed you. Failed her. Not you. Not ever. You handled this better than anyone else could
,
and I swear to you. I know you have no reason to believe me
,
but I promise you
,
I
will
get better for you and Sara. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you.
"