Freeing Carter (41 page)

Kira mumbles a curse.
"
She said she was fine
,
right? I
'
m sure she
'
s fine
,
Carter. She hasn
'
t been drinking at all lately. I doubt she would do it with Sara. And if she is
...
you know
it isn't
your fault
,
right?
"

Her question isn
'
t worth replying to. Fighting will just slow me down. How could things have changed so fast? I
'
d been laying there with Kira feeling free and now this. She
'
s drinking with Sara and I know it
,
which means I
'
d known she would drink all along. Knew it
,
but I still left. Talk about selfish.

The second we pull into the driveway
,
I run to the door. As soon as I have it unlocked
,
I toss my keys to Kira who ran up behind me. I don
'
t want her to see this. Can
'
t handle the thought of her hearing Mom slur my name
,
or need me to carry her up the stairs.

"
Take my truck home. I
'
ll call you tomorrow and you can bring it back.
"

"
Carter.
"

I turn to her.
"
Please
,
Kira. Just go. I can take care of it.
"

Racing into the house
,
I slide to a stop at what I see. Mom
lying
across the couch. Black and purple bruises on one of her arms
,
like she fell or ran into something really hard. She
'
s always bruised easy and quick
,
but this is bad
.
The coffee table is wiped free
,
her stupid knickknacks and candles scattered on the floor.

And I can
'
t move. My whole body is frozen
,
staring at Mom. A very drunk
,
passed out
,
Mom.

Chapter Seventeen

"
Oh my God
,
"
Kira says from beside me.
"
Tell me she had that bruise before you left
,
Carter.
"

I don
'
t have it in me to say no. I don
'
t have it to tell her to go home either. There
'
s nothing
,
nothing
inside me right now.
"
Sara
..."

Kira touches my arm and then runs for the stairs. I know I should do something. Be the one upstairs checking on Sara. Go over and try to help Mom
,
but I can
'
t move. Am I broken? I feel it. Nothing on me will move.

Rolling over
,
Mom groans
,
reaching her hand over to the table. It flops around
,
reaching for something that isn
'
t there. The bottle that fell to the floor.

And all of a sudden
,
I hate her. Hate everything about her. Hate that she can
'
t get better. That she
'
d chosen this bottle over us. That she loved my dad so much she can
'
t get over it.
There have
been times I
'
ve been mad at her
,
times where I hated what she does
,
or maybe thought I could one day hate her
,
but this is different. I really do
hate
her and I hate myself for it.

"
She
'
s okay. She
'
s asleep in her room. I made sure the door was closed.
"
Each of Kira
'
s hands
,
touch each of my shoulders as she leans against me. Still
,
I don
'
t move. Can
'
t.
"
I
'
m sorry
,
Carter. So sorry.
"

But I can
'
t talk either. I really do think I
'
m broken. That she broke me.

"
What should we do?
"

Her words push me into action. Loosen the ties
,
holding me in spot
,
but still not freeing me.
"
I
'
ll take care of it. I
'
ll put her to bed and tomorrow it
'
ll be like nothing happened.
"
I step out of her grasp.
"
You can go
.
I don
'
t
..."
What? I don
'
t want her to see? It
'
s not like she hasn
'
t seen enough. It
'
s not like she doesn
'
t know
.
I shake my head.
"
You shouldn
'
t have to help.
"

"
Carter.
"
She
'
s in front of me now.
"
I know I don
'
t have to
,
I want to. You don
'
t have to do this on your own. Not anymore.
"

Does it make me weak that I sag in relief? Because I do. I don
'
t want to do it alone. I don
'
t want to do it at all
,
but knowing someone will take some of the weight? Well
,
it doesn
'
t make it better
,
but easier to handle. Reaching out
,
I let my finger travel down the side of her face. She steps closer and our foreheads come together
,
like they always do.

"
I
hate
her.
"

"
You don
'
t.
"

"
I
'
m scared that I do
."
I breathe her air for another breath and then pull away
,
making my way to Mom.
"
Ma
,
come on. It
'
s time to go to bed.
"
Bending I try to pull her up
,
but it
'
s as though my words have awoken something in her. Her eyes pop open and she pushes my hand away.

"
I
'
m fine.
"

My stomach lurches. I have to swallow the urge to vomit.
"
You
'
re so not fucking fine
,
now come on.
"
When I try to grab her
,
she slaps my hands away
,
pushing me and fighting me in a way she never has before. 

"
Leave me alone. I can take care of myself.
"
Her anger has taken away her typical slurred speech.
My
anger has taken away any need to be soft with her.

"
Prove it! If you can take care of yourself
,
I wouldn
'
t be cleaning you up
,
again.
"
My grip on her is harder than I
'
ve ever touched her
,
than I
'
ve ever touched another girl before and it
'
s right on her bruise. Mom cries out
,
her scream piercing me.

"
Shit. I
'
m sorry. I
'
m so sorry.
"
And then Kira
'
s there. Standing between us. Her eyes full of tears. Her face wet with them too.

"
We need to call someone. Let me call Bill.
"

Fear spikes inside me.
"
He
'
ll take Sara away from us. I
can
'
t.
"
But I know that
'
s not true either. There
'
s no way I can
'
t do something this time.
"
Just let me take care of it. I can do it.
"

Slipping around Kira I bend down
,
eye to eye with her. Funny
,
there are tears in Mom
'
s eyes too. Everyone is crying but me.
"
Mom
,
please. Let me help you. We
'
ll get you to bed and then everything will be okay.
"

Her eyes meet mine
,
sad. And I can
'
t hate her. Not Mom. Because I can see that she loves me
,
how much she hates herself for what she
'
s doing. But it still doesn
'
t make it okay. This isn
'
t the way to deal. Shouldn
'
t be. Not for her
,
Travis
,
or anyone else.
"
Carter
..."

Without letting her finish
,
I lift her. She
'
s dead weight in my arms. I feel the shoulder of my shirt getting wet with her tears. She
'
s sobbing by now
,
and it hurts so much to see her like this.

When we get to the top of the stairs
,
Kira stays out of her room
,
but it feels good to have her at my back. Knowing she
'
s there
,
lingering in the doorway if I need her. If Sara needs her.

I almost drop Mom when I try
to
put her on her feet. She stumbles
,
trying to catch herself on me. Her nails dig into the skin of my arm.

"
It
'
s not fair! Why did they take him away from me?
"
she screams
,
swinging again.
"
Why does my dad hate me? Why can
'
t I have Tommy? I
'
m tired. So tired. And you
'
ll leave me soon too
,
Carter. How can I do it without you?
"

"
I don
'
t know. I don
'
t know. I don
'
t know.
"
I can
'
t stop saying the words over and over as I fight for her arms. As I wrap my arms around her from behind so she can
'
t swing and hit anymore.
You
'
ll leave me soon too
,
Carter.
How can I leave her like this?

Mom
'
s whole body collapses. Cries echoing in her room.

"
Do you need help?
"
Kira
'
s voice whispers from behind me.

"
No
,
just stay. And close the door so she doesn
'
t wake up Sara.
"

That
'
s when she starts to heave. I jerk her around before she vomits on her bed. There
'
s a trail of it behind us as I help her to the bathroom. How many people have to hold their mom
'
s hair back while they puke? I should be doing this for my girlfriend while we
'
re at a party or even helping my best friend at a dance
,
but not this. Not her.