Freeing Carter (42 page)

She cries and pukes. Cries and pukes and I sit there with her. Kira
'
s behind me
,
alternating between rubbing my back and walking out to check on Sara.

"
Are you sure we shouldn
'
t call someone?
"
she asks later. We
'
re in the bathroom
,
on the floor. She hasn
'
t thrown up for about twenty minutes now. Mom
'
s sleeping
,
her head resting on the toilet seat.

"
No
.
I think she
'
s okay. If she does it again
,
we will.
"
Wrong or right? I don
'
t know. I
'
ve never known which side of the line I stand on. I want to be on the right one
,
but I just don
'
t know anymore.

For another fifteen minutes
,
we sit in silence.
"
I
...
I think she
'
s okay now. She
'
ll sleep it off.
"
I stand up to lift Mom again
,
but Kira stops me.

"
Hold on.
"
Plucking a washcloth from the wrack
,
she wets it and then wipes Mom
'
s face and hands.

"
Thanks
."
My eyes won
'
t meet hers. My girl just had to wash puke from my mom
'
s face. It breaks another piece of
me inside
.

Mom
'
s easy to lift this time. I feel her breath against my cheek as I lower her to the bed. On the way out
,
I grab the monitor. Even though Sara
'
s too old for one
,
Mom still keeps a monitor so she can hear everything that happens in her room.

The second Kira closes Mom
'
s door
,
I fall against the wall. And cry. Kira
'
s seen my mom try
to
beat me up
,
cleaned up her vomit
,
and now I
'
m crying
,
crying
in front of her.

"
It
'
s okay. It
'
s okay
,"
she
repeats
,
hugging and kissing me. But it
'
s a lie. A liar like me should know a lie when I hear one right? Because I know it
'
s not okay. I know what I
'
m going to have to do and I hate it.

Fighting the tears
,
needing something else to ground me
,
I kiss Kira. She lets me
,
even kisses me back. Turning
,
I pin her to the wall
,
kissing her deeply.
More
,
more
,
more.
All I can think is I need more. Need her. Need to forget.

I kiss down her neck. Her collarbone. All the while
,
she lets me. My hand slides under her shirt
,
up her belly and traces the edge of her bra
,
only stopping when her hand grabs my wrist. Immediately
,
I pull back.

"
I
'
m sorry. God
,
I
'
m so sorry. I don
'
t know what got into me. I just want to forget
,
but I don
'
t want to use you. Not for that.
"

"
I know. Carter
,
that
'
s bad. What I just saw is really bad
..."

I shake my head.
"
Not now
.
I know
,
but I can
'
t. Not right now.
"

Her mouth is turned down
,
her eyes bright red as she looks at me
,
making me want to hide. Hide my weaknesses.

"
I need to check on Sara again.
"

She nods and steps away. Quietly
,
I sneak into my sister
'
s room. She
'
s out cold
,
Barney wrapped in her arms. The picture Kira drew pinned above her bed. For her
,
I know I have to do what
'
s right.
"
I won
'
t let anything happen to you
,
Twig.
"
And then I sneak out of her room
,
closing the door behind me.

"
You wanna take my truck? I can
'
t leave
,
obviously.
"
I don
'
t even know why I just said that.

With a shake of her head
,
Kira pulls her arms out from behind her back. She
'
s holding my
basketball that
she must have grabbed from my room.
"
Play me.
"

Her words are patches
,
trying to cover up some of the scrapes and bruises inside me. I need to forget and she
'
s found a way to give that to me.
"
Okay.
"
She tosses me the ball and we head downstairs. It
'
s late
,
but I don
'
t care. We leave the front door open
,
and I plug Sara
'
s monitor into the outlet on the porch
,
making sure the volume is all the way up.

"
I
'
m wearing the right shoes this time
,
Coach.
"
More patches. More band-aides.

This is what I need to forget. With each smack of the ball hitting the pavement
,
each time I spin around Kira
,
make a shot
,
or steal the ball from her
,
I
'
m free. Any other time I would go easy on her
,
but I can
'
t and I know she doesn
'
t expect it tonight. She
'
s here to free me. To let me float away from my life for a little while. Each time the ball soars through the air
,
it
'
s really me.

Did Dad use basketball the way I do? Was it his escape from life
,
if he needed it? Was it always there when nothing else went right? As I jump
,
shoot and fade backward
,
as the ball goes forward
,
I wonder about Travis. He
'
d be there for me too. Be what basketball is to me
,
if I ever would have trusted him. Just like I would have been to him if he
'
d done the same. The way Kira
'
s here
,
because I let her in
,
panting and chasing me around my basketball court because she knows it
'
s what I need.

I catch the ball and shoot again
,
but this time it bounces off the rim and goes into the bushes. When she tries to go after it
,
I stop her
,
taking her gently by the wrist and pulling her to me.
"
You
'
re the girl who took the time to see what I tried to hide from everyone else. The girl who broke into a Jacuzzi with me
,
to steal my secrets and give me yours. You
'
re the one who looks gorgeous with purple hair
,
orange hair
,
or
black hair. You
'
re just as comfortable in combat boots as heels or my Nikes.
"

I step closer to her.
"
You
'
re the one who helped me with my homework. You
'
re the straight A student who loves to dance on tables. You love Lana like a mother. You love my little sister like she
'
s yours and never mak
e her feel weird or different. You
'
re the one who doesn
'
t think twice to wipe vomit off my mom
'
s mouth
,
or try anything new. You
'
re the one who wore a jersey with my name on it and made me win the game. When no one else did
,
you
saw
me and you drew me. That
'
s who you are. It doesn
'
t matter about your mom. Meet her or not
,
who she is has nothing to do with who
you
are. There
'
s no one else like you. I—
"

Kira
'
s finger on my mouth stops me
,
just like she did the first night we kissed.
"
Shh. Don
'
t say it in the heat of the moment. Not tonight when your emotions are wild. You might regret it. I
'
ll think you only said it because you
'
re so raw from everything else. Just
...
don
'
t.
"

Nodding
,
I smile.
"
I wouldn
'
t regret it. Never. But I can wait
,
too.
"

"
Mommy! Help!
"
Sara
'
s voice breaks the night.

"
Nightmares
,"
I say to Kira before I run
inside
and up the stairs. I push into Sara
'
s bedroom and am by her bed.
"
Shhh
,
Twig. I
'
m here.
"

"
Closet. Look
,
Carter.
"

I walk over to the closet and look inside
,
pushing the clothes out of the way.
"
See? Nothing here.
"

She looks over the side of the bed.
"
Down there. Look
,
Carter.
"

Bending down
,
I look under the bed too.
"
It
'
s just us. No one
'
s here. I promise.
"
Promise I
'
ll take care of her too.

"
Where
'
s Mommy? I want Mommy.
"
Sara starts to cry. Anger threatens me again
,
but I fight it down.

"
She
'
s sick
,
Twig. Mommy doesn
'
t feel good. Can I hang out with you?
"

I hand her
,
her glasses and she puts them on
,
then shouts
,
"
Kira! Kira!
"
Sara starts bouncing up and down on the bed.

"
Hey
,
kid. Oh
,
look you hung my picture up. It looks pretty up there.
"
Kira shrugs at me
,
unsure of what to do.