Fractious (16 page)

I felt Cu shake his head from his perch behind me on Bob.

"Don't we need a plan? An idea? Something that resembles a plan maybe?"

"Sure," Cu said. "Already have one in mind."

I'm not much of an acrobat but I can stand on my head. That is about the limit of my
ability. So there I was, standing on my head in front of a thick, wooden gate with brass nail heads
and big knockers, while Bob and Cu hid out behind a rocky outcrop.

My feet were stuck up in the air, waggling about every now and then so I could keep my
balance. Blood was rushing to my head and I was secretly wishing that I was hanging upside
down from a stick and listening to the shrieking and shlooming of the Goat People instead of
trying to storm the gate of a wizard's hideout by myself.

"What else can you do?" someone yelled from a walkway that was above me on either
side of the door.

"That's about it!" I called back. "Come on! Every king needs a jester!"

"We don't!" called back the guard. "You're a sucky jester, anyway. And we don't even
have a king!"

"Well, every prince, princess, king, queen, druid, sage, Son of Heaven and Yang
di-Pertuan Agong needs a jester!"

Two men were conversing above me. I heard one say, "Hey, we have a druid," before
the other one called down, "Let me see you dance."

I fell over backwards. I'd stood on my head all through our entire conversation, which
was a feat in itself. After untangling my arms from my legs, I shook my head to get rid of the
blood rush and did a little dance. I hummed a little tune and bopped around, kicked up my heels
and twisted around like the dope I often think of myself to be. I could hear the occasional snort
of laughter from Cu's hiding place and even Bob gave a horsey laugh that nobody seemed to
hear. I rolled my eyes and continued to do my dance. I hoped it was enough.

"Now sing me a song." the man on the wall yelled, leaning over to get a better
view.

"Seriously?" I said, stopping my dance, which actually might have been more of a
fidget.

"Yeah. Sing me a song."

I sighed. "What song?"

The two on the wall conferred again. "'Tequila'."

"Now I know you're insane," I said to myself. I cleared my throat, looked up at them and
began to hum the tune to the old song by The Champs, yelling, "Tequila!" whenever appropriate.
After I'd yelled said word a grand total of three times, the guards fell down laughing. "Can I
come in now?" I said, after taking what I thought was a well deserved bow.

"Yes," said the one who'd been giving me instructions on how to prove myself worthy of
the title of jester. "You can come in now."

I let my arms hang limply at my sides and hung my head because even though I'd
succeeded I wasn't crazy about getting us inside. I gave an imperceptible thumbs up to Cu and
Bob then waited patiently as the two guards climbed off their wall and opened the massive gate
to let me pass. "Thanks, dudes."

The two men who let me in were unfortunately my height and size. I was wishing that
they were as small as they appeared up on the heights. I could have easily dealt with two Tuatha
Dé. Instead, I was faced with two humans. Fighting them to the death had been the plan,
but I just calmly walked past the gates and watched as they closed behind me. Only then did I
realize that I was on my own in this. I'd left Cu and Bob behind and I had no idea how to get
them in. And I had no idea what the hell I was doing.

Then an idea came to me.

"Hey, fellas?" I said to the guards who were getting ready to lead me into the interior of
the mountain.

"Sup?" the first one said.

"I left my friend and my horse out there. Can they come too?"

"Can they sing and dance?"

"My horse can," I said with bright eyes.

"Sure," the first guard said. "Hey, Anu. Go let the guy's friend and his horse in."

Anu nodded and went to the gate, which stood three feet behind us. He opened it for me
and I stuck my head out.

"Hey, Bob!" I called. Bob whinnied and ran to me, looking for yet another apple. I gave
him a pat on the nose instead. Disappointment showed on his face.

"Is it safe?" Cu said from his hiding spot.

"Yeah. This here's Anu and... I didn't get your name." I said to the other guard.

"I'm Anu," the first guard said.

"Oh," I said curtly. "Really?"

"Yeah, it was easier to call us all by the same name. You get used to it," said Anu the
first.

"Okay," I said. "This is Anu," I said, pointing, then, "This is Anu," and pointed to the
other Anu.

"Welcome," said Anu.

I could see that this was going to be very confusing.

* * * *

Cu and Bob followed along behind Anu and Anu and myself. We came across a few
other guards, standing in seemingly random places in the hallways. Anu and Anu addressed each
as Anu and there were friendly nods all around. We didn't get introduced but if we had, I would
have been sure to inform each that we were not among the Anus, that we had other names,
although I might have thought twice about giving them mine.

I felt a little uneasy, hanging out inside of Amergin's hideaway deep within the
mountain's stony interior. The whole damned thing was cut right from the rock. The walls were
rock. The ceilings were rock. The furniture was rock. Even the
beds
were rock. Rock.
Everywhere you turned. It was all very gray.

I took notice that Cu had left his bright green top hat back in the woods somewhere,
along with my sword. Leaving behind the bright green top hat I understood. It would give away
his position as one of the king's guards. That wouldn't do. We were in enough trouble as it was.
Letting Amergin know who we were was not the brightest of ideas. The sword would have been
a comfort in my hand.

How was I supposed to kill an evil wizard without a sword? Bare hands? Sharp edged
spoon? My wit?

Down hallway after hallway we went, following the Anus obediently, having no idea
what lay at the end of route. Finally we reached the end of the route. The last corridor opened up
into a huge dining hall, complete with long tables and long benches. It looked like it came out of
a Harry Potter movie. I waited for only a moment before Dumbledore came ambling out, staff in
hand. I wondered what house I was going to be sorted into then I realized he didn't have a
hat.

"Greetings, friends!" the man who looked way too much like Dumbledore boomed, his
voice carrying throughout the halls beyond us. He was tall, having at least four inches over me.
He had long white hair and a long white beard to match. Said beard hung to his waist and had a
couple of small beads strategically woven into it. His long robe was a dusky crimson color and it
brushed the floor when he moved. It was sashed with a length of rope. His feet appeared bare.
The top of his head
was
bare but hair sprouted from the back of his head, so long that it
reached his waist.

This apparently was Amergin. I couldn't fathom who else it would be.

He walked towards us, his robe swishing quietly. "My Anus tells me that you are to be
my new court jester. Goody!"

I started and he noticed.

"Does that surprise you?"

"What?" I said.

"Did you not volunteer to be my court jester?"

"Uh," was all I could think of to say. After a moment, I answered, "Yes?"

"I am Amergin." He placed his palm flat on his chest. "Please give me your names."

I glanced over at my two companions. "Well," I said, "This is Bob."

The horse was curiously eyeing the wizard, probably wondering where he could get a
red robe like that.

"Take a bow, Bob," I said after lifting an eyebrow.

Bob obediently got down on one knee and put his nose to the ground. His black mane
fell over his eyes. He rose and shook his head, tossing his elegant hair. He blew out a quiet
breath and winked at me with one big, brown eye.

"Did that horse just wink?" Amergin asked in surprise, pointing at Bob.

"Uh, all part of the act?" I shook myself and pointed at Cu. "This is Cu."

"Cu?"

"Cu," repeated Cu.

"Cu," Amergin said one more time. "And what do you do, Cu?" He seemed to like
saying my little friend's name, which I concluded by the grin that spread from one of his floppy
ear lobes to the other.

Cu looked at me but I could do nothing but shrug and hope he was a fast thinker.

"I... uh," Cu said. "I cook."

"You cook?"

"I cook." Cu seemed to be getting a knack for repeating things.

"What do you cook?"

"Uh... food?" He looked to me for help, for once.

Amergin didn't seem to need anything more than that one word answer. "Splendid!" He
clasped his hands together in glee. "I had to kill my last cook. He was no good at making
cobbler. Can you make cobbler?"

Cu sputtered, then said, "Uh, sure."

"Wonderful!" Amergin squealed, appearing delighted. "My life is incomplete without a
good cobbler." He turned his attention to me. "And your name, good jester?"

"Guy," I said, pronouncing it properly, as I always did, to make sure others did so, as
well. I'd hate to make a mistake and have someone start calling me a male of the species.

Amergin wanted more, which I expected yet hated to disclose. "That's it?"

"You were fine with just Cu," I said. "And Bob."

"Bob doesn't need a last name. He's a fuckin' horse. And I have yet to meet one of the
little people who
has
a last name, so I wasn't expecting one from my new cook. You, on
the other hand, are obviously human. I consider myself human." He beamed at the idea and
smiled proudly. "My last name is Smith. Now tell me yours."

"Smith?" Cu repeated, apparently having very much gotten the hang of repeating, yet
wanting to keep on practicing.

"Smith." Amergin nodded his head once in Cu's direction. "I needed a general
name."

"Oh," said Cu. "So where ya from?"

"Smithsville, North Carolina," he said, with obvious pride.

Cu smothered his laughter, then muttered, "Yeah, Smith won't give
anything
away," which Amergin thankfully did not hear.

I only gave him a look.

"Your full name please, sir," Amergin said to me.

I swallowed, but I had nothing to lose. "Guy Alamode Fractious."

Amergin burst into a fit of laughter. His guffaws filled the hall and bounced off the
stone walls, rebounding off the eardrums of myself and my companions. Amergin ended up
holding his sides and stomach, rolling on the floor and laughing his ass off.

"Serious?" Amergin said five minutes later, after he'd recovered from his fit. "You're
kidding, right? Please tell me you are kidding!" Red-faced, he snickered and snorted while
awaiting my answer.

"My mother was French."

Amergin apparently thought this was just as funny as my name and once again began to
laugh like a madman. "Obviously you're French," he said when he finished, once again pointing
a bony finger at me.

"It wasn't meant to be funny." I kicked the toe of my shoe in the dust.

"But it is!"

I bowed my head as I heard the Anus begin to finally join in on the fun, giving strange
little giggles at random intervals while their boss went nuts with laughter. It apparently took
them a while to get the joke, but once they got it they began to laugh just as hard as their boss.
Though, I actually doubt they ever got it; they just wanted it to look like they did. Is my name
really that funny, anyway?

After a half hour, Amergin finally managed to compose himself. He ran his hands over
his bald head and through the long hair that grew on the back of his head and down his spine. I
had to kick Cu to rouse him from where he'd fallen asleep on the floor. Bob was dozing on his
feet, as horses do, but he woke when I cleared my throat.

Amergin did the same, cleared his throat, I mean, and faced me, smoothing out his robes
and untangling his beard. "So, Guy. Show me what you can do." He couldn't suppress a
giggle.

I stood on my head.

"That's it?"

I got up and shrugged. "Was good enough for your guards."

One of the Anus who had been at the gate piped up with, "He can sing and dance,
too!"

I rolled my eyes in his general direction.

"True?" Amergin said, looking at me with wide and eager eyes.

"Er," was my response.

"Well then, sing. Dance. Do a little jig. You aren't entertaining me by standing there,
although if you tell me your name again, I'll laugh my ass off. But I want more. A jester must be
able to entertain, right?"

"I guess so." I began my little dance. I twisted and turned, shook my butt and kicked out
my legs, and did an adlibbed hokey pokey for good measure. While doing this, I sang "Joy to the
World." Not the holy religious version. I don't think Amergin would have gone for that version
very much. I was singing the one Three Dog Night made famous. I went all the way through the
song, doing my little ditty and humming during the piano solo. It was kinda fun. When it was all
over, I thought perhaps I really
was
cut out to be a jester.

Amergin put a hand to his bearded chin, and with the other hand waggled a finger at me.
"So, if Jeremiah was a bullfrog
and
a friend of yours, but you never understood him,
how did you cross the language barrier? Just how did you get to be friends?"

I wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to answer that, so I said, "We met in a
bar?"

"You met at a bar? Over a glass of wine, correct?"

"Uh, yes?"

"Hum," he said, still pulling at his chin. "What was he like, this Jeremiah?"

"Oh," I said, thinking. "He was a good frog. Polite. Liked Cher. You know. Typical frog
stuff. Though he wouldn't turn into a prince if you kissed him."

"You tried?" Amergin said. "Was he a
terribilis
frog?"

"Uh...?" I said again.