Fractious (12 page)

I ran until I ran out of breath then I walked until I was even more out of breath. I walked
for a long time, listening, hoping I would hear someone calling my name or the whicker of one
of the ponies. I thought that they might notice I was missing, but then I thought Cu might be so
happy at my loss that he might convince Crista it was a good thing.

I had a flash of the two of them rolling naked on a bed of pine leaves and picked up the
pace. I can't tell you how long I trotted down the wrong path before I even knew it was the
wrong path. And I knew it was the wrong path when I came to a little cottage.

Feeling like I'd walked into a fairy tale and I was about to be accosted by seven dwarves
and quite possibly the Mad Hatter, I went up and knocked on the front door. I waited impatiently,
shifting from one foot to the other. It was getting dark, and I hated to think about what lurked in
the darkness in these woods. I'd heard the rustling of something in the dark of the mountains, and
I wasn't too sure if there was something like that out here, in these woods, something that would
rustle.

After a moment or two during which I contemplated the meaning of death, a small old
woman answered the door. She was wearing a flower print shift and had long, flowing white
hair. She could have been anybody's grandmother except short. "Who is it?" she said, staring at
my knees.

"Up here," I said.

She lifted her chin as high as it would go and I bent down a bit. Then I saw her snow
white eyes. "Up where?" she said. She was staring at the eaves of her home.

"Sorry," I said. "I didn't realize you were blind."

"I'm not blind!" she said forcefully, shaking a walking stick at my head, which I expertly
dodged, having learned from experience. "I can see you just fine!"

"Oh yeah?" I said. "Then what color are my eyes?"

"Purple!" she yelled. People in this place do a lot of yelling, I suddenly thought. "Your
eyes are purple!"

"Wrong," I said, pointing a finger at her, which she couldn't very well see but made me
feel better nonetheless.

She put the tip of walking stick on the ground and sighed. "Okay, you got me. Who are
you and what do you want?"

"I'm..." I stopped myself before giving her my name and sending her into gales of
laughter. I doubted her old heart could take it. She looked at least three hundred years older than
Tat the sword maker, and I thought I was getting pretty good at guessing the ages of the Tuatha
Dé I'd come across in my travels. But still, I wasn't about to give her my name. "I... uh,
got lost in the woods. Could you point me the way to Black Mountain?"

"Black Mountain?" she repeated. "Why the hell would you want to go there?"

"I'm looking for Amergin," I said. "I'm supposed to kill him."

"Yeah, him I know," she said. "Never pays his tab. You're a long way from Black
Mountain and off in the wrong direction," she told me.

"I figured that," I said.

"You took the wrong fork."

"I figured that, too," I repeated.

"You do lotsa figuring," she said. "But by my calculations it's getting dark. You don't
want to be out after dark. You'll get robbed or eaten or worse. Come inside and have a bite and a
drink."

"Worse?" I muttered as I ducked my head and went inside her tiny home, glad I could
even get my shoulders through the door.

Even sitting down, I had to bend my neck, and doing so I took up most of the room so
that the blind old woman had to climb over me to get around.

"You're like an obstacle course," she said as she clambered over my foot.

"Sorry. You're pretty good at getting around for a--"

She glared at me hard enough that I stopped before I could say "blind lady."

"How come you're so big, anyway?" she said, handing me a thimble full of a drink I
could not identify, even after tasting it.

"I was born this way," I told her.

"You were born this damned big?!" she exclaimed, a hand over her heart.

"Well, I grew up. When I was born I was about your size. Probably a little smaller."

"Having you woulda killed me," she said with a crusty laugh. "You like my tea?"

I had already down my thimble full and said, "That was tea?"

"Made from--"

"Don't tell me!" I held up my hands, as if to block her words with them. "Please, don't
tell me." I hadn't seen any goats but that didn't mean they weren't out there.

"Fine, I won't tell you." She scrambled over my right shin and handed me a plate with
some food on it. The portions were fit for her but made only mouthful for me. I didn't complain.
"Like it?" she said me after a moment. "It's my grandmother recipe. Fish eggs and Spam.
Yum!"

I made a face knowing that she couldn't see it. "Fish eggs?" I repeated. "I didn't see a
river anywhere."

"It's over there!" She swung her cane in what I assumed was the direction of the
river.

The cane smacked me upside the head and I saw stars.

"Oops." She put a hand to her mouth. "Did I getcha?"

The room was spinning slightly faster than normal but I said, "I'm okay." I shook my
head to get rid of the flashing lights and sighed. "You sure it's not safe to go out in the dark? I
really need to get back to my friends."

"Not in these woods. Remember what I said? Eaten or worse." She once again pointed
with her cane, but I managed to dodge it that time.

"What's worse than being eaten?" I said, very curious.

She waggled a warning finger. "Being
slowly
eaten."

"Oh," I said in a subdued tone. "Guess that would be worse."

"You can sleep here tonight."

"Thanks," I muttered, wondering how I would accomplish that. In the end, she climbed
into her bed, which was wedged into a corner, and I slept where I was, curled up into a very
small ball with my forehead nearly at my knees. I didn't sleep much but how could I refuse when
the other option was being eaten, and possibly very slowly?

I woke in the morning to a beautiful ray of sunshine but I was unable to move. I was still
curled up in a little ball but my feet were tied to my neck and my hands were bound together.
The rope was so tight around me that I was stuck as a ball. "What the hell is all this?" I said to
what appeared to be an empty room.

"Who are you?" someone called out in a loud masculine voice.

"Guy." I waited for a laugh I didn't get, but then I realized I hadn't given my last name.
"I got lost in the woods last night. What happened to the nice old lady who let me in?"

"What did you do with my grandmap?" the unseen speaker said.

"Grandmap?" I repeated quietly. I figured out that he meant the old lady. "Nothing," I
said as innocently as possible.

"Did you rape her? 'Cause if you did I'm going to cut your little balls into--"

"Rape her? How could I do that? I can't even move in this little house. I couldn't rape
anyone in here, not that I would ever rape anyone anywhere. Who are you?"

A little man, obviously of the Tuatha Dé came around to face me. He was smaller
than Cu, which made him about two feet tall, and surprisingly skinny. He wore purple livery
with a gold shield embroidered on his right shoulder. The sword strapped to his back looked like
it would put a butter knife sized hole in me if he got it in his head to do so. Not wanting any
butter knife sized holes in me, I gave him my most innocent expression.

"Who are you?" I said again, gently and quietly.

"I am Lug," he said.

"Lug?" I repeated, choking on my laughter. "And I thought I had a terrible name."

"Mock me not, giant!" He drew his sword and holding the tip of it to my eye.

Terrified, I gulped. I happened to like my eyes the way they were and didn't want to risk
losing one. "Sorry, sir," I sputtered. "I didn't mean anything by it. Please don't poke me."

"Where is my grandmap?!" he yelled once again.

"I don't know," I said. "She was here a minute ago." I rolled my eyes around in my head,
pretending to look, even though I couldn't see much more than a few inches of the wall in front
of me.

"Lug!" someone called in a crackly voice. "What have you done to my house
guest?!"

The old woman appeared in my sight and I breathed a sigh of relief. She stood with her
hands on her hips, her cane standing straight out behind her.

"Grandmap!" Lug cried out, throwing his arms around her and nearly knocking her off
her feet. "I thought for sure he'd raped you!"

The old woman pushed him off of her and said, "Now why would you think such a
thing?"

"Well, being so close to Tara, I just thought..."

"You thought wrong," the old woman said. "Now untie my house guest before I hurt
you."

"Of course, Grandmap," Lug said, kicking his toe in the dirt of the floor, obviously
disappointed that he wasn't going to be able to poke me. He used his sword to cut through the
tough rope that bound me up in a ball.

The first thing I did was crawl outside so I could stretch my aching limbs. Lug and his
grandmap followed me, watching me curiously. Well, Lug watched anyway. After cracking
every joint fit to crack, I sat down in the dirt outside the house.

"Sorry about all that," Lug said, looking me up and down. "I wasn't expecting to find a
giant in my grandmap's house this morning."

"Nobody expects to find a giant in his grandmother's...er, grandmap's house," I said. "I'd
certainly be surprised, especially considering my grandma's been dead for seven years."

"What are you doing here, anyway?"

"I got lost in the woods last night, and your grandmap was kind enough to let me sleep
here. She mentioned things in the woods that would eat me, possibly slowly, and she thought it
best that I stay."

"She's right," Lug said. "There are things out there that would eat you, possibly slowly.
Not the best way to die."

"Got that right," his grandmap said. "Shall I make us some breakfast?"

"Sure," Lug said. "Oh, and I brought your groceries for the next week."

"Thanks, sonny." She retreated into the house.

"She gets around pretty good for a blind woman," I said.

"She's been blind all her life," Lug said. "She's had experience."

"Oh," was all I could think to say.

"So, where you from?" Lug said.

"New York. You?"

"Banba," he answered.

"Oh."

"What are you doing out here anyway?" he said.

"I'm supposed to kill Amergin," I told him.

"Oh, good!" he said, smiling broadly. "It's about time someone did that."

"You people don't like him much, do you?"

Lug shook his head, his smile fading into a grimace. "He's evil."

"So I've heard. Hey, how come nobody seems to care much about this Amergin
dude?"

"Whaddya mean?"

"Well," I said, pulling at my chin, "He's evil and apparently trying to take over the
world. Or destroy it. Or both, I'm not sure, but nobody is getting ready for war or anything.
Seems like everybody just goes about their daily business. I don't get it."

Lug shrugged. "What are we supposed to do?"

I shrugged back. "Fight? Try and stop him?"

"Isn't that what you're trying to do?"

I nodded.

"Then we're doing something to stop him. So what are you complaining about?"

"Dunno," I muttered.

"You're Guy, right?"

"Guy Fractious." I bit my tongue after it came out.

For once, I wasn't laughed at. Lug only rolled my name around on his tongue for a bit
before shrugging. "Could be worse," he said.

"What's your grandmother's...er, grandmap's name?"

Lug opened his mouth to speak but came up with nothing. "I have no idea." He blinked.
"I never thought about that before. Hhm."

I laughed. "You don't know your own grandmap's name?"

"Why? Do you?"

I opened my mouth to speak then shut it with a snap. "Uh... no."

We sat in awkward silence for a few minutes before the old woman came out and
rescued us. She held out a small plate to me that was heaped with scrambled eggs. I took it and
thanked her.

"That's all I could fit on the plate," she explained. "I'll make some more if you're still
hungry."

"I'm good," I said, enjoying the mouthful of eggs and handing her back the empty plate.
"I really need to find my friends."

"You took the wrong fork, eh?" Lug said.

I nodded. "Guess so."

"You know," Lug said, pulling his chin, "I could sell you one of my horses, if you
want."

"Ah, that's okay," I said, waving off the suggestion. "I'm a little big for your horses,
don't you think?"

Lug eyed me curiously. "Whaddya mean?" He hooked his thumb over his shoulder
where two horses were tethered to a tree.

My eyes went wide. "Holy crap," was all I said as I got to my feet and went over to the
pair of horses. Both were my size, standing tall and bold, their heads above my own. I gazed into
their big brown eyes and petted the nearest one, a deep chestnut with a black mane and tail. A
neat white star sat between his eyes. "Real horses," I said, rubbing his nose. "Where'd you
get
real
horses?"

Lug shrugged. "The horse market. They carry more than the ponies. And they're easier
to train. Bob," he called out. "Bow!"

The horse I was petting suddenly went down on one knee and bent his head to me.

"Rise, Bob," Lug called, and the horse stood back up on all fours.

"You named your horse Bob?" I said, as I raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, what else would you name him?"

It was my turn to shrug. "What's the other one's name?"

"Bobette," Lug said, as if that should have been very obvious.

The mare turned her head and gave a whinny.

"Okay then," was all I could think of to say. Then, "I haven't got any money."

"Too bad," Lug said. "Got anything else?"

I looked around and saw nothing. I dug in my pockets and came up empty. I had my
sword, which was around somewhere, but I couldn't give that up. I actually needed that. I had my
watch, which was useless to me since it had been spinning backwards since I got to this place,
which was why it wasn't fit to mention it before. But that would be more like a belt to Lug. So I
offered it. "I got this," I said, pulling the beat up old Kmart watch from my wrist.