Fractious (19 page)

I felt kinda bad. "That's too bad. Real sorry."

"Yeah well, it was a long time ago." He cleared his throat. "But since he was the
firstborn and went to be a king's guard, I had to do something with my life. So I went to
California through the Watts portal and took the city busses into Pasadena to go to the culinary
school over there."

I couldn't help it. "Watts portal? You're kidding, right?"

Cu shook his head. "There are very few portals into your world. The one in New York
through which I brought you. The one that comes out in Watts, in California. And there's one in
Intercourse, Pennsylvania."

"Intercourse?" I laughed. "You made that up."

"I did not," Cu said. "It's a real place."

"How do tell somebody that you live in Intercourse, Pennsylvania?"

"Certain not with a straight face," Cu said, echoing my laughter.

"And why is there a portal there?"

Cu plucked a sprig of rosemary and popped it into his mouth. "I don't make these things
up, Fractious. It's the honest truth."

"Okay, I believe you. So, what do you do in Intercourse, Pennsylvania?"

"What do you think you do in Intercourse, Pennsylvania? There ain't nothing else to do
there. I prefer Watts. People there are fucked up. I love it! I love Los Angeles."

I daydreamed a bit. "Yeah, that's where I'm gonna go back to when all of this is over.
Hey, then you can come and visit me."

He raised an eyebrow at the prospect.

"What?" I said. "I'll still be able to see you, right?"

"Yeah, you been knocked on the head too many times
not
to see me." Cu
sighed.

"What?" I asked again.

"You know," he said thoughtfully, "I do kinda hope you live through this. I'm really
getting to like you."

I wiped imaginary tears from my eyes, and gave a fake sniff or two. "Really, Cu? I
mean, really? You don't hate me anymore?"

Cu's smile bordered on disbelief. "Yeah, I don't hate you anymore."

I grinned. "Come here!"

He tried to run away but with my long legs I caught him quickly. I swept him up into a
hug, twisting back and forth as he squirmed in my arms. I planted a big wet kiss a-la-Bob on his
cheek and set him down.

He wiped his cheek and stuck out his tongue in disgust. "Don't ever do that again!" he
shouted as he swiped at his face. "I'm just not that into you."

Cu shook himself off. "I told you that you were fucked in the head."

"Maybe a little. I did say I didn't feel so good. Maybe that's it. Concussion." I tapped my
temple, in case he didn't remember.

"Maybe we should go back to the rooms." He eyed me suspiciously and motioned for
me to follow. "We'll find some peaches another day."

"Whatever." I followed him back to our rooms.

It had only been two hours since I'd awakened after my fall from Bob's back, so I knew I
had to stay awake for too many more hours. I was bored. It was hard. My head hurt like a biting
bitch and I felt too gross to eat anything after digesting my apple. I drank more of the mystery tea
though, brought up by one of the girls from the kitchen. She sat and told me her life story. I
didn't even have to ask her. She just sat down and began talking.

She was one of the Tuatha Dé, but she was more of a prisoner, forced to work for
Amergin because she had married an Anu. When her life story was done, another fifteen minutes
had passed and I still had nothing to do. She left and Cu, Bob and I were alone again.

We spent the next half hour sampling greens that Cu had pocketed from the garden. Bob
was upset that we hadn't let him go down to the buffet, but he was okay after we explained that it
was not a buffet; it was a garden. We gave him a taste of the herbs and he was happy again. Bob
the horse was so easy to please. Give him a little sprig of basil and he's happy as a Shetland pony
on a Sunday morning.

Finally, the night was over. Twenty-four hours had passed since I'd hit my head on the
stone floor, and Amergin was calling for me. He was happy enough to let me spend my wakeful
twenty-four hours without bugging me, but once that was up, he wanted me to perform again,
even though I hadn't had any sleep at all. I didn't complain though. Aside from getting absolutely
no real sleep and aside from being knocked out, that is, there wasn't much to complain
about.

Amergin sent up breakfast for me. The girl who brought it told me it was specially made
by Cu himself. It was an omelet made with bacon, basil and a few other veggies that I couldn't
identify. It was delicious even though I didn't know half of what I was eating. It made me feel
special, and I found that I liked that feeling. Then I went down to see Amergin. He made me feel
special too.

"Feeling better, Mr. Fractious?" he said.

"Much better," I said. "And you can call me Guy, if you want to."

"Guy," Amergin said.

"Cool," I muttered, although I wasn't sure what was.

"So what would you like to do for me today?" Amergin said.

Bob was standing behind me and gave me a little nudge with his nose.

"Anything but standing on Bob's back while he runs around." I rubbed the spot on my
forehead that had hit the ground hardest. I was sure I still looked a fright, although Bob had
assured me that the swelling had gone down. I was pretty sure he was lying, just to be nice.
"We'll try that again some other day."

Bob snorted his agreement.

Amergin looked disappointed.

"How about we ask Bob some questions?" I suggested. "Test his intelligence?"

"Sure." Amergin jumped right in. "Who founded the Aengus Institute for Pine Tree
Blight Eradication?"

Bob was quiet.

"He doesn't know that," I said.

Bob shoved me from behind.

"Okay, maybe he does." I moved away from Bob.

He whinnied.

"Trick question. Bob says it wasn't Aengus. It was his brother Bengus."

"Correct," Amergin said in his gleeful way. He clapped his hands once. "Now for a
toughie. There are five names for the kingdom of Dian Cecht, the physician's colony in upper
Fomor. Name all five and explain their meanings."

Bob neighed, whinnied and stomped his right front foot.

I spent the next three hours translating horse lingo to Amergin as the wizard tried in vain
to stump Bob. But Bob was a lot smarter than I thought he was. A whole hell of a lot.

I was really tired once the whole game was over. After all, I'd been up for over twenty
four hours. Amergin dismissed Bob and me with a whole string of thank yous. He'd been having
way too much fun trying to discover something Bob didn't know. Somehow or other, he got it in
his head that I'd taught Bob all that stuff.

Bob told me not to disagree. So I didn't. I just posed as a brilliant horse trainer and took
all the credit. Amergin loved me for it.

Once we were back in our rooms, I sat down on my bed and thanked Bob for being so
generous. "You shouldn't have let me take all the credit for your brains," I said to him.
"Especially since I was mean to you the other day, just before the falling off your back
incident."

Bob shrugged and neighed.

"I know," I said. "You're a good horse." I patted his nose and gave him a smile.

Bob blushed.

Later, we had dinner in our room while still waiting for Cu to come back from his
kitchen duties. The same girl, who had brought us breakfast, ended up bringing us dinner. She
told us Cu had, once again, made it himself. Bob had grain and alfalfa, his favorite meal,
prepared in a white truffle sauce. I had stuffed chicken with long grain rice and red potatoes. I'd
never had a better meal. But when Cu returned to our conjoined rooms, all covered in food and
looking exhausted, I knew we'd been neglecting our real duties.

I closed the doors behind him and made him and Bob sit as close to me as possible.

"We're here to kill him," I said. "Now, Amergin's a pretty good dude and all, but he's
also an evil wizard. We're supposed to be killing him, not being his court jester and favorite
cook."

Bob neighed.

"And Bob," I said, indicating the horse.

Bob nodded.

Then Cu nodded. Bits of food were stuck in his shaggy hair and there was a smear of
some kind of sauce on his cheek. Bob took care of the sauce with his tongue, making happy
smacking noises as he tasted. I plucked the leeks and bok choy from Cu's hair.

"You're absolutely right," Cu said. "We've been here a couple of days now. We can't just
hang out. We have to kill him. But how?"

A panel suddenly opened in the wall opposite me and the girl from the kitchen who had
brought our meals suddenly appeared. Behind her, I could see a secret passageway leading deep
into the mountain. Bob jumped up from where he'd been sitting and stepped between her and Cu
and me, being protective.

Cu was also on his feet, his fists raised, ready for action. "Who are you and why were
you spying on us?"

She smiled. "I wasn't spying," she said. "I was listening in. And you know who I am. We
worked together in the kitchen this morning and tonight. Don't pretend you don't know me." She
paused, and then said, "I know how to kill Amergin."

"Tell us!" I said too loudly.

"Wait a sec," Cu said, stepping around Bob. "Explain yourself."

"My name is Fiacha," she said. "But you already know that. I married into this. My
husband Anu never told me he worked for Amergin when we got married. He just married me
and brought me here. I was the prettiest girl in my village. He knocked me over the head and
brought me here. And I'm not allowed to leave."

She gave us time to think on this. Since she was such a pretty girl, I figured she was
probably telling the truth about that part of her story. She was Cu's height, maybe a half inch
shorter and had a nice round face with big brown eyes, kinda like Bob's. She had long hair that
was dark brown but had nice streaks of blonde in it. It curled at the ends. Though she was a little
on the pudgy side, I thought that made her a little cuter. I liked her. Cu was drooling even though
she wasn't humping a damned thing.

"Fiacha," I said after our moment of contemplation had passed. "Why do you want to
help us?"

She smiled softly. "I want to go home. I don't like being among these people. I want to
be among the Tuatha Dé again. Besides, I hate Amergin. Everyone does."

"Good enough reasons," Cu said. He confidently strode to her and put his arm around
her shoulder. He drew her deeper into the room and had her sit on the settee, where the rest of us
gathered around her. "How do we kill Amergin?"

"First off," she said, "why do you want to kill him?"

"He wants to destroy our world," Cu said then hooked his thumb in my direction. "And
his world, too."

"Good enough," Fiacha said. "So, you know how Amergin hates peaches?"

We three nodded.

"Here's my plan."

As she explained, we listened intently. Two minutes later, we had hatched a complete
plan but it required someone getting out of Amergin's hideaway to a grove of peach trees that
was about a mile away. Being the largest, I volunteered to go, stating that Cu was too small to
get over the wall and Bob couldn't climb to save his life. We agreed that I would go that night
and Fiacha would show me the way. To my surprise, I wanted to come back alive from this
venture.

Late in the night, after darkness had fallen and a wicked yellow moon had risen, I said
goodbye to Cu and Bob and followed Fiacha through her secret passageway and out into the
garden.

"How long have you lived here?" I said, wondering how she found out about the secret
passages.

"About a hundred years," she said. "I was fifty when I got married, and I got married
young
."

I did some calculating. "Hhm."

"What hhm?"

"Nothing. Just thinking."

Out in the garden, Fiacha showed me where I was to scale the wall. She handed me a
hand-drawn map that showed me the way to the peach grove. It looked complicated but I didn't
question her. Instead, I examined the wall.

"How do I get back over?" I said.

She shrugged her pretty shoulders. "That's your problem," she said. "Find a stump or
something else to stand on."

"Shoulda brought some rope," I said. "Oh, well. I'll find a way." I looked back at her.
"But how do I get over on this side?"

She smiled and went behind a bush. She rolled a barrel out from its hiding place and
stood it on end. It was just high enough for me to stand on and get my hands on the top of the
wall. With some effort, I scrambled onto the top of the wall. I sat there for a moment, looking
back into Amergin's falsified Garden of Eden, down at the Tuatha Dé girl who stood there
watching me.

Just in case I didn't make it back, I said, "My friend Cu thinks you're pretty."

Fiacha smiled.

I fell over the side.

The other side of Amergin's wall appeared the same as the original side of the wall.
Brick. It was what spread out before the wall that was different. I was still in the mountains, but I
was faced with greenery and, in the distance, a high waterfall appeared to be falling from the
even higher clouds. It was so high that I couldn't see its source. Fiacha had told me to begin by
heading for the waterfall, which I did. After that, I would have to resort to her squiggly-drawn
map.

I walked in silence, my path lit only by the light of the moon. I had to get back before
the night ended, before my ten o'clock appointment, otherwise I'd be missed. Jogging, I made
better time and I made even better time when I began to run. I reached the waterfall about half an
hour after I'd started and the moon had barely moved in the sky.

The waterfall had an oddly irksome effect on me. I was annoyed that it was so beautiful
and had caught my attention, making me stray from my task at hand. But I couldn't help it. I
stood at the base where the water fell in a maddening rush into a sparkling pool. Mist and spray
spotted my clothes but I didn't care. The waterfall was so pretty that I just stood there and
stared.