Fractious (14 page)

"Um, hey?" was my reply.

"Whatcha all doin' in my neck of the woods?" He stopped before us, one hand on his hip
and the other stroking his clean shaved chin.

"Wish we knew," I said, deciding it best that I deal with this pink panted man. "What are
you
doing out here?"

"I live here, silly," he said with a bright smile. "But what are you all doin' here?"

I looked around. "Your...uh...Goat People brought us here."

"Oh, they like to do that," he said. "Most times they just let ya'll go. Sometimes they
keep you for dinner."

I gulped and swallowed. "I'm not sure I want to be dinner."

"Oh, don't worry about that!" Pink Pants said with a flick of his wrist. "I only let them
eat the Tuatha Dé. Not humans. I see so few of my own people out here."

Cu gulped and swallowed.

Pink Pants laughed, a high squeal. "If you're with them, you don't have to worry about a
thing. We'll have roast duck and caviar tonight!" He put two fingers to his mouth and made a
loud kissing sound before flinging his fingers into the air.

"Um," I said.

Pink Pants sauntered up to us and held out a hand. "I'm Roger. Roger Valentine." He put
the other hand to the side of his mouth and whispered, "That's my stage name. What's
yours?"

"Um," I said again, "I don't have a stage name."

"Silly! What do your friends call you?" he said, still standing there, holding out his
hand.

"Um," I said.

Crista took initiative and stepped out from behind me. "I'm Crista Himmelmen," she
said, extending her hand. Roger took it and gave it a flippant shake. "This is Guy Fractious and
Cu of the Tuatha Dé."

"Guy?" Roger repeated. "Seriously? Your name is Guy?"

I rolled my eyes and said, "It's come in handy."

"Whatever," Roger said. "I'll call you..." He rubbed his chin. "Eh, Guy is fine."

"So," Crista said, "what are you doing here?"

"I live here," Roger said with a laugh. "I already told ya. I. Live. Here."

"But why do you live here?"

Roger opened his arms wide. "What better place?!"

The Goat People, who had been idling around, scratching their heads, suddenly came to
life and gave a ragged, shlooming cheer.

"They like you," Roger said with a wink. "Come on, people. Are ya hungry?"

Cu, Crista and I looked uncertainly at each other. In the end, we shrugged and followed
Roger, who appeared to be the divine leader of the Goat People. Tell ya the truth, I really had no
idea what was going on.

* * * *

We sat on the ground around a large bonfire. The Goat People, danced, chanted and
shloomed in some kind of sing song that only Roger Valentine understood. He bobbed his head
back and forth to the tune and hummed along. Cu, Crista and I just stared at each other. Soon, a
couple of female Goat People wearing long, flowing gowns appeared bearing trays of food.

"Eat up, folks," Roger said as we were handed plates. "You must be staaaarving."

I picked at my food, unsure if it was safe, but when I saw Cu eating, I felt okay about it
and began to gobble down whatever it was filled my plate. Roger said something about roasted
duck and caviar, but I could only assume. The pile of slop on my plate didn't look much like
roasted duck and caviar. Whatever it was, it was better than flour paste by quite a bit.

"So how did you end up here?" I heard Crista ask Roger.

"Oh, there's a couple portals into this place," Roger said, dabbing at his mouth with a
white, linen napkin. "I just stepped through one in Pennsylvania, right into the middle of the
fertility festival. Quite by accident, actually. I wandered around and found this place." He gave a
giggle.

"I found these little guys in the middle of their orgy. Just think, a hundred or so little
Goat People fucking and humping in the fields to help fertilize the crops. Then I came out of the
woods and BANG! They worship me. Just like that!" He gave his fingers a snap for
emphasis.

"They worship you?" I repeated.

"They
worship
me," he said. "Isn't that something? Me!" Grinning fit to split,
he slapped himself in the chest. "I'm a god!"

"Holy crap," I muttered, with a mouthful of food.

"Got that right!" Roger hollered.

A Goat Woman brought him a hollowed out gourd from which he pulled a cork and took
a long swallow. She bowed low and honked something at him before retreating.

"Thanks, Marcie." Roger said, holding the gourd out to me. "Anybody want some potato
vodka?"

"Um." I didn't see any potatoes around.

Cu, who didn't seem concerned that there were no potatoes around, darted in and
grabbed the gourd. He yanked it from Roger's hands and took a long drink. He wiped his mouth
then passed the gourd on to me. I took an experimental sip before guzzling and passing it on
.

Crista shook her head and turned up her nose. Roger took back his gourd and drank
some more.

"Good stuffs," he said with a laugh. "Anybody want any more?"

Cu and I shook our heads.

"Marcie!" Roger hollered.

"Does anybody ever not yell around here?" I muttered.

Marcie reappeared, trotting over on her short, furry legs. She bowed her horned head
and took back the gourd. She babbled something in Goat Person lingo to which Roger nodded
with a smile.

"There's more food, if ya'll are still hungry," our pink-panted host said.

I held out my plate for more. How could I resist roast duck and caviar, if that was indeed
what we were eating.

It was a fun night. Roger taught us to dance in Goat People style, jumping around in
circles and waving our arms in the air. He taught us a few words in their language too, even
though I doubted any of them would come in very handy unless we met other Goat People while
strolling through the woods. We danced and drank more and more potato vodka, which is
probably what led to what happened next.

I was having a dance with Crista after having dragged her away from our new friend,
Roger. I was decently drunk and having a good time. Roger swore in colorful terms when I cut
in, but he let me have her. I put my arms around her waist and spun her in a dizzy circle while
the Goat People whirled and twirled all around us.

They'd long since brought out a couple of drums and Pan pipes, which were more than
appropriate, and were playing the theme song to the Love Boat. Roger said he'd taught it to them
when he first got there.

Roger had been there a long, long time. He just didn't know it yet.

So, we danced around in something that was more or less a circle but might have been a
polyhedron. We weaved a bit due to copious amounts of potato vodka for me and something that
resembled wine, but definitely was not wine because the Goat People had no grapes, for Crista.
She said she enjoyed the fruitiness of her drink and I enjoyed the potato-i-ness of mine. Good
stuff.

Good times.

Then we fell down.

We tripped, or I should say,
I
tripped over the feet of some Goat Person who
was already drunk and out cold in a heap on the ground. I fell backwards strategically so Crista
would land on top of me. I just didn't want her to get hurt, and that's the honest truth. It was the
gentlemanly thing to do. So, I landed hard on my back, and had the wind knocked from my lungs
in the process. She landed hard on my chest, laughing. My back protested the fall and my lungs
protested her weight until I rolled her laughing self off of me and sat up, rubbing the base of my
spine.

"Are you okay?" she said through her giggles.

"Nothing more vodka won't cure."

Crista helped me to my feet and staggered a bit, leaning against me for support. She
waited until I got my breath then surprised me with a big, wet kiss on the lips. She held that for
just a few seconds before pulling away, looking embarrassed and turning a multitude of shades
of red. "Sorry," she said, hiding her face behind her hands.

She tasted of sweet wine that probably wasn't wine, since the Goat People had no
grapes, and no caviar, I later discovered, so I have no idea what we had been eating for
dinner.

No kidding.

I wanted more, but restrained myself for all of ten seconds as I stood and stared at her
through my drunken eyes. Then I darted in and kissed her myself, one hand on the back of her
neck so she wouldn't get away. She didn't try to run like every other girl had ever done
throughout the entirety of my life. Besides, she'd kissed me first.

We stood there, arms around each other and lips locked together until Cu came up
behind me, stood on a stool, and hit me over the head with his ever present bright green top
hat.

Thwack!

Crista pulled away from me and again hid her face behind her hand. "Oh my gosh!" she
yelled. She turned and ran inside one of the huts that I knew belonged to the women folk. Roger
had already told us that the Goat People had separate quarters for the unmarried women and the
unmarried men, just to keep such things from happening until the fertility festivals occurred.
According to him, that was about twenty different times during the year.

"What'd you do that for?" I bellowed at Cu, who was now almost my height since he
was standing on a stool.

"Hate to break up the party," he said, "But we have a job to do."

"Hey, it is not my fault that we ended up here," I said, stomping my foot.

"It's not my fault either," Cu said. "But we have a wizard to kill, and I'll not have you
going all soft and gaga over that girl."

"I wasn't going soft and gaga," I said firmly. "I was all soft and gaga before I even met
Crista."

"You kissed her!" he said.

"That doesn't make me soft and gaga," I said.

"But you
kissed
her!"

"You would have, too, if she'd kissed you first," I said with a pout. I was disappointed
that our kiss had ended so soon. I really wanted her to come back.

"You really think she's into you?" Cu said, nodding his chin in the direction Crista had
disappeared in. "You really think she likes you? She's drunk and so are you. There's nothing here
but a couple of drunken human beings who find sexual interest in each other because they are the
only two human beings here." He glanced at Roger, who was dancing circles with his gal pal
Marcie.

"He ain't human," Cu added, pointing at Roger.

"He is too," I protested, crossing my arms over my chest. "He's just gay."

"Gay?" Cu repeated.

"Yeah, gay. Don't you guys have that here?"

Cu seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. "What's that?"

"It's when a dude likes a dude, or a girl likes a girl... And they... You know..." I made a
lewd gesture.

"Oh, that." Cu said. "Here we just call that normal. Anyway, you aren't her type. She's
looking for a hero, somebody who can save her life. You're a weak, stupid human being with one
mission and one mission only. I can't have you going all soft and gaga over that girl."

"I! Was! Not!" I stamped both my feet in a mini tantrum. "I don't feel anything for her.
I'm here to kill your damned wizard so I can go back home and you'll buy me my big house in
Beverly Hills with a butler. Which I haven't forgotten about, by the way, and will still hold you
to when we get done with this stupid task. I don't like that girl. She just popped in unannounced
and just happens to know me from the bank. She's just a stupid girl with some kind of stupid
infatuation and she should keep her lips to herself. She's just some girl.

"That's it! Now get off my case!"

Cu was silent for a moment before he whispered, "Damn."

I should have known. Things like this always end like this.

Crista was standing right behind me.

I turned around and saw tears in her eyes. She gave a sob and rushed away into the
woods. Her cries trailed her in the darkness. Roger came over to us with a fearful look in his own
eyes.

"What have you gone and done to her?" He stood there with hands on hips.

"Nothing. I--"

"Well, you done something, Fractious." Roger slapped me across the face. "How dare
you hurt a sweet little thing like her. Now she gone and run off and she's gonna get eaten. You
don't know what kinds of things are out there. Things that'll eat you, probably slowly."

"I thought that was you guys." Cu pointed first at the Goat People, who had stopped
their dancing, then back in the direction Crista had run.

"No, that's not us." Roger said. "We don't eat people slowly. Hey, Brian! Get your men
together and let's go make sure nothing eats her. Come on, fellas." A group of Goat People
surged out from the dance circle and followed Roger into the woods, each bearing a torch and a
pointy stick.

I stood rubbing the sore spot on my face where Roger had struck me.

"Now look what you did," Cu said, taking off his bright green top hat.

I obediently bent down and let him whack me with it. I deserved as much, if not more. I
felt like the stupid fool everybody was always making me out to be, and only now did I see why
people always called me that.

The next morning, I was nursing a hangover I didn't expect and feeding my friend Bob
an apple, when Cu came over to me.

He had a pack over his shoulder. "Ready to go?" he said with a weary smile.

I nodded. Bob nudged my shoulder and nipped at my hair. "Stop that," I said quietly to
him.

He did.

"I'm ready."

"Your girlfriend is staying here with Roger," Cu told me.

"Yeah, that's what I expected she'd do." I paused, then added, "No big."

Cu punched my upper thigh, which was as high as he could reach. "When you come
back a big hero, she'll look at you differently. You'll see."

"You think I'm going to come back a hero?"

Cu shrugged.

"Who are you and what have you done with the Cu I know, the one who hates me so
severely?"

Cu looked around, glancing at the people going about their goat business. "Come on,
Fractious," he said. "And if you get to ride that horse, then so do I."