Fractious (9 page)

"Is that really your name?"

I nodded. "Told you my mother was French."

Cu chuckled then gave a belting laugh. "Well, at least your name is finally good for
something."

"What are you talking about?" I said. "My name has
always
been good for a
laugh. By everyone who isn't me, anyway."

So we ended up having dinner with the dragon, not
being
dinner for the
dragon.

Balor didn't kill Fractious the mule but went out for a moment, flying off on his big,
veiny wings with his big, fat belly hanging down, to go catch a wild boar. He spitted the tusked
thing and lit a fire with a belch of flame from his own toothy mouth.

He turned the spit as he sat and talked with us. "Can't believe you named your mule
Fractious. Funny as shit."

Cu poked me in the ribs and grinned. "See, told you it was a good idea."

I shrugged, taking in the smells of the roasting boar that I probably wouldn't even get to
taste. "I'm just glad to still be alive." I nodded towards the mule who bore my name. "I'm sure
he's happy, too."

Fractious the mule seemed less stressed since he now knew he was not going to become
dragon food. He was happily chomping down on some tasty looking alfalfa, along with the two
ponies. The three of them seemed quite content, and I almost wanted to taste their dinner since I
doubted I'd be getting a hunk of roast boar.

I was wrong in that, though. Balor served carefully, mindful of his claws. He handed
both Cu and me fancy dinner plates with rose borders and gave us each a fork and a cloth napkin
that was just about the same shade as his skin.

Sitting just off to the side of the soccer field, cross legged on the green grass, I forgot all
about home and my life as it had been. The roast boar was moist and delicious, the first good
meal I'd had in a while, since back home I'd been eating flour paste and here I'd only been eating
bread. There was water aplenty, fresh from a nearby stream and it tasted like nothing I'd ever
tasted before. It was cool and crisp, like juice from the first bite of a summer watermelon. I
almost never wanted to leave this magical soccer field.

Balor broke my thoughts. "So, you guys off to kill Amergin?" He sucked his claws after
finishing off the entire rump of the boar in one gulp.

"Yes," Cu said. "The mission remains the same."

"How you plan on findin' that dude?"

Cu sighed. "Starting in the last place he was seen. In the city of Tara, up in the North
Country."

"And you takin' this mortal boy with you? To Tara?"

Cu nodded.

"I'm not a boy," I said. "I'm twenty years old."

"Baby then," Balor said, eyeing me with his good eye, which gleamed a bright gold in
the light from the roaring fire. "Either way, you bested me, made me laugh for the first time in a
hundred so years. You might have a chance at killing Amergin."

"Might?"

"Might," Balor repeated. "He's a powerful wizard, you know."

"Really?"

Balor nodded his massive head, blowing two rings of smoke from his nostrils. "He
banished an entire people to this place. Imagine what he could do to you, Guy Alamode
Fractious."

I rolled my eyes. He'd been repeating my name for the last few hours. If my mother
were still alive, I'd be on the phone with her right that instant, telling her that my name was
finally good for something. What had she been thinking anyway? "Good boar," I said.

Cu licked his lips then licked his fingers. "Very good. We'll stop by on the way back,
eh? Bring some good wine?"

"Sounds great," Balor said, stretching his long neck. "You dudes wanna stay the night
here? I got beds."

Cu looked at me, but he was the leader and I told him to make the decision. After a
moment, he said, "Sure. We'd love to stay."

"Great!" the dragon roared, clapping his hands together with a loud slap. "Awesome!
Love it! You like the king?"

I shook my head quickly and said, "Mac Gréine?"

Balor laughed out loud. "Now you just gonna keep 'em comin', eh? Not that old bastard.
The king of pop."

"Elvis?"

"He's da king of
rock,
man." Balor belted a hearty laugh. "Be right back."

He thundered off, leaping over the edge of his soccer field and stretching his wings. He
disappeared over the side of the mountain and in a few moments, I heard the unmistakable
sounds of "Beat It". I found myself bopping to the beat.

Balor returned and snapped his clawed fingers. "MJ, man! Like?"

"The king is dead," I said solemnly.

"Yeah," Balor said thoughtfully. "If I'd bought the rights to this song like I wanted, I
woulda made a fuckin' fortune!"

"That...sucks," was all I could think of to say, but Balor was too caught up in the song
to hear my statement. I sat back and watched as the dragon began to moonwalk across the field,
twitching along to the beat of the song and the next and the next. He sang what few lyrics he
knew, mostly making them up as he went along.

A few hours later I lay in a bed of soft straw, hearing more songs played throughout the
mountains and valleys, echoing through the midnight hours and beyond. I'll tell ya, it's really
hard to sleep when Michael Jackson is playing full blast and a dragon is dancing just beyond
your bedroom door.

* * * *

The next morning, after not much sleep, but still the best night's sleep I'd had in days, I
rose to the braying of Fractious the mule. Once the bray had dissipated, a huge roar echoed
throughout. I had slept in a cavernous area carved out of the mountainside. It was the cave from
the previous night times thirty. It was big enough for Balor to sleep in but he said he preferred to
sleep outside. Another bray broke through my thoughts and a sudden fear for Fractious the mule
made me leap to my feet.

I bounded outside, mindlessly naked, and ran out onto the soccer field. Much to my
relief, all I saw was Fractious the mule being chased by Balor the dragon. Both seemed to be
having pants-loads of fun. I took a moment to catch my breath. From the sound of Fractious the
mule's braying, I had thought Balor had changed his mind and wanted a mule meal after all. But
they were only playing.

The sun beat on my private parts as I watched Fractious the mule running before Balor,
kicking a soccer ball along with his hooved feet. The ball slipped between the poles of the
farthest goal and Fractious the mule gave a wild bray, kicking up his back feet.

Balor stopped mid-field and scratched his head. "How the hell am I being beaten by a
donkey?"

Fractious the mule gave yet another bray and trotted past Balor, his heels and head high.
He saw me and snorted in my general direction.

I smiled at the sight of the dragon and mule playing soccer. "I tried to teach him
Tic-Tac-Toe," I said, "but he never got the hang of it. Guess soccer was his game."

Balor gave me a look. "Why would you teach a mule Tic-Tac-Toe?"

"Dunno," I said. "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Not like running around mother naked," Balor commented.

I looked down at my dangling stuff. "Oh, that." I turned a couple of shades of red and
maybe some purple thrown in for good measure. "Maybe I should go put some clothes on." I
spun around and went back into the mouth of the cave, back to the comfy bed of straw that I'd
slept on where I'd dropped my clothing in a pile upon removing it the previous night.

I wished for clean jeans when I donned the crusty old ones. But I had nothing else so I
settled for what I had. I had no damned choice anyway. It was dirty clothes or no clothes, and as
much as I liked wearing no clothes, Balor and Fractious the mule didn't seem too keen on it. So,
wearing my grubby old clothes, I headed back outside. Balor was sitting beside Fractious the
mule and both of them were staring off at the orange glow of the rising sun. They seemed to be
enjoying each other's company.

"Sup," I said as I joined them, mimicking the tones used by Balor the dragon in his
every day conversation.

"Sup, bro," Balor said to me, holding out his clawed hand for a high five.

I leaped up and slapped his scaled palm.

"I like your mule," the dragon said. "He's pretty cool. Can I keep him?"

It wasn't the last thing I expected him to ask but it was close. "Um," was all I could think
of to say.

Fractious the mule looked at me with begging eyes.

"Well," I said after a moment, "he isn't my mule to give away."

Fractious the mule gave a whiney snort.

Balor put his hands together in prayer fashion, his eyes also taking on a begging pallor.
"I like him," Balor repeated. "Come on, man. Show some love."

"Love?" I said. "What does love have to do with anything?"

"You love me?"

I was shocked. "No!"

"Damn," Balor said, shaking his head. Then he gave me a toothy grin. "I's just teasin',"
he said. "I'll ask Cu if I can keep the mule."

Cu appeared a few minutes later and the question was posed to him. Cu looked at me. I
put up my hands in a gesture of innocence.

"He likes Fractious," I said to Cu. "They played soccer together."

"Who will carry our packs?" Cu said.

"My pony," I suggested.

My pony, who was standing with his companion nearby, jerked his head up at the
suggestion. He gave a whinny and snorted loudly, obviously protesting, but Cu didn't seem to
notice or perhaps just didn't care. I did the only thing I could; I shrugged in the pony's general
direction and mouthed,
Sorry!

"You don't mind not riding?" Cu said to me.

I turned my attention back to him. This was the nicest thing he had ever said to me. I
wiped an imaginary tear from my eye. "Are you concerned about me doing all that walking?" I
said.

Cu opened his mouth to speak then snapped it shut with an audible snap.

"My feet drag on the ground," I said, looking back at the little horse. "I can walk faster
anyway. I think the pony minds more than I would."

The pony gave another snort and stomped a hoof.

"You'll have to carry some of the stuff," Cu said.

I found myself agreeing easily. All I wanted was for Fractious the mule to be happy, and
if staying with Balor made him happy then I was all for it.

"Okay," Cu said after an instance of thought. "Then yes. The mule can stay."

Fractious grinned, showing his square teeth. He gave a delighted bray and came over to
me, butting me in the stomach with his long head. I rubbed his soft ears and patted his head.

"Have fun, buddy," I said to the mule who bore my name. "When I come back, we'll
work on Tic-Tac-Toe again, okay?"

Fractious the mule rolled his eyes and licked my cheek. Drool ran down my skin and I
used the hem of my shirt to wipe it away. The mule just licked me again, wanting me to keep his
spittle as a souvenir of our time together. This time I didn't wipe it away, just let it slowly slide
down my cheek and drip off my chin. I smiled through my disgust, but only because I had a
fondness for that damned mule.

Balor was clapping his hands together in delight. "Got me a mule!" he hollered. "Friend
mule," he said. "What they call you, mule?"

Cu looked to me to answer. I said, "Fractious," very softly, though I swore Balor already
knew this.

"What you say?" Balor said.

"His name is Fractious," I said louder.

Balor burst out laughing. "Haha, I knew dat. Just wanted to hear you say it again! You
named the ass after yourself. Funny, fucker!"

I stuffed my hands into my pockets and kicked my toe in the dirt. "I didn't name him," I
said quietly.

Cu stood up for himself and said, "I named the mule that. Seemed fitting at the
time."

I raised my eyebrows at him and gave him a tiny smile.

Cu only lifted his middle finger in reply.

Balor was still obviously delighted despite the fact that the mule bore my name. "Got me
a mule!" he bellowed. "Gonna play lotsa soccer, ain't we, Fractious?!"

"Can we go now?" I said.

"Yes," Cu said. "Let's pack up and be outta here."

We did just that, with half our stuff piled onto my back and my pony giving me looks
that told me I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. I asked Cu twice where we were headed, but he
gave me no answer so I stopped asking. He'd only just hit me with his bright green top hat or
give me the finger or something of that nature. I was cool with not knowing.

Down the mountain path we headed now, away from Balor the dragon's soccer field and
away from Tat the sword maker and away from the doorway to my own home world. I began to
wonder if I'd ever see my realm again or if I'd be permanently stuck here with Cu and his kind.
I'd never be accepted, that was for sure. A giant among small people? I felt like Gulliver and
wished for the kinder, gentler methods of the Lilliputians rather than the somewhat
sanity-lacking Tuatha Dé.

After we'd been walking in silence for hours on end, I finally got up the courage to ask a
question. "So, Cu," I began, "what's this Amergin dude like?"

"Evil." He said no more.

I felt the need to prompt even further. "But what is he?"

"Evil."

I decided upon a different tactic. "How old is he?"

"Old," was Cu's answer.

I sighed in frustration. "How many years old?"

"A lot," Cu said.

I balled up my fists. "Is he bigger than you?"

"He's your size."

I started. "He's human?"

"I don't know if human is the word for him," Cu said, "but he's about your height."

"Cool," I said, excited to meet someone of my stature, even if he was evil.

"He's a killer," Cu told me sternly, looking back over his shoulder at me. "He banished
my people to this world and murdered thousands before he did so. We had to rebuild our lives
here. We did nothing but fight for our own rights, for our own country, but we lost. Amergin is a
powerful sorcerer. And he is certainly no coward."