Forever & an Engine (27 page)

‘Mia,’ he
sighed.

‘Gabe I
can’t deal with this. I think you better take me home now,’ I sniffed and he
quickly stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me again and I let out a
pained gasp. I loved this man, like I’d never loved anyone, but I just couldn’t
give him what he wanted.

‘You’re
right. You’ve been through an ordeal with your op and you’re tired and emotional.
I’ll get you into bed and you can have a really good rest. When you wake up and
spend some time with Lexi you’ll feel so much better.’

‘Not your
home Gabe,’ I sighed heavily. ‘Mine.’

‘Yours?’ he
asked, surprised.

‘I’m
hurting you Gabe, I can feel it and I love you too much to be the person to do
that to you. You deserve to be happy, you deserve a chance to have a happy
family life after what you’ve been through, but I can’t offer you that, so it’s
best we end this now.’ I heard my words reflected back to me, was I really
saying this? Had I actually just said that out loud? Was I prepared to ruin the
first ever relationship that had ever meant anything to me? To deprive myself
purely to protect someone else from feeling pain? I must really love him with
all my heart. I felt his body stiffen and heard him take a sharp shocked intake
of breath, as I felt my stomach knot tightly.

‘You’re …
you’re
breaking up with me
?’ He let go of me again and staggered back, the look of
horror on his face speared me. I grabbed the foot of the bed to hold myself up
and quickly looked away, I couldn’t look at his face, I couldn’t cave.

‘I don’t
have a choice Gabe, you want things that I can’t give you.’

‘So just
like that you say it’s over? Because you think you know what’s best for me?’ His
voice was shaking and felt my legs give out and I sank down on the bed. I
ignored the sudden pain that seared through my stomach as my tight jeans
constricted my swollen belly, the pain in my chest was worse, so much worse. I
thought I’d felt pain before, but nothing compared to this, the feeling of
hurting him, of losing him. A quick glance at his devastated face didn’t help
either.

‘What would
you prefer Gabe? That we wait another year, another ten years? Nothing will
change. I don’t want you to end up resenting me for something you wanted that I
couldn’t give you. The longer we’re together, the more painful I’ll find it when
you eventually leave me.’

‘I’d never
leave you Mia,
never
, I told you that you’re my forever and I meant it.
You’re the love of my life,’ he whispered.

‘And you’re
mine Gabe, but you will leave me, or you’ll end up pushing me away. You’ll either
make me resent you for pressuring me to do something I don’t want, or you’ll end
up blaming me Gabe, blaming me for not giving you what you want and you’ll hate
me and I couldn’t bear that.’ I looked away as I felt the salt starting to
sting my cheeks as the tears continued to stream down them. I loved him, I actually
loved him that much that I just wanted him to be happy.

‘Baby don’t
cry, please don’t cry. I could never hate you, I
love
you.’ I felt the
bed sink as his arm went around my shoulder and he stroked my hair. ‘Don’t do
this Mia, we’re both tired and upset. Don’t end it like this,
please
, you’re
breaking my heart,’ he whispered as his lips grazed my forehead.

‘It’s
breaking … mine,’ I sobbed, my chest jerking violently.

‘Mia we
both need time, we need time to process all of this to decide what will and
won’t work and we’ll deal with it together. Don’t make impulsive rash decisions
on a disagreement. I can’t lose you baby, I just can’t. I need …’ He choked up
and released me to wipe his face and I grabbed the bed rail, my hands shaking
and stood with my back to him and wrapped my arms around myself.

‘If I stay,
I’m scared you’ll leave me for someone who can give you what you need Gabe and
I couldn’t bear you walking away from me.’ I felt his arms tighten around my
chest and his solid body press into my back. How could he make me feel so safe
in his arms, but terrify me so much with his passion for me? I closed my eyes
and groaned as I felt his fingers run over my cheeks and lips, little sparks of
electricity running through my body.

‘I could
never leave you, I’ll never want someone else, not like I want you. Don’t leave
me Mia,’ he whispered softly in my ear, tugging at my heart strings.

My head
knew I should end it now. Everything was telling me that he’d never change his
feelings and desires and that I’d ultimately disappoint him. I didn’t want to
hurt him, or myself, by breaking up with him now, but staying with him and
denying him what he wanted was just as bad. My heart, my
heart
though
needed him. He was like oxygen to me, just the thought of not seeing him,
touching him, or feeling him touching me again, made me feel like I was
suffocating. I reached out my hand and caught his fingers and kissed them. He
spun me around, grasped my face and kissed me so passionately he literally
knocked the wind out of me. I caught my breath and looked up into his eyes and
felt the inevitable pull to him. As his lips came at me again I responded, my
hands in his hair, on his strong arms, his taut body, roaming all over him as
we devoured each other. When I broke away, I panted on his chest.

‘
Mia
,’
he groaned. ‘Stay with me. You feel it, I know you do, we
belong
together.
We need time, we need each other baby,’ he whispered. I kissed his shirt over
his heart and breathed him in as I listened to my head and my heart fighting. I
clutched his shoulders gently stroking them and he pulled my head back and he
put his forehead on mine, our noses touching and I could feel the warmth of his
breath caressing my lips. I looked into his beautiful sad blue eyes and I felt
my heart aching for him.

‘Do you
really believe I could ever leave you?’ he asked.

‘I don’t
want to believe it,’ I whispered.

‘Do you still
love me?’

‘So much.’

‘Then there’s
no reason for us to break up Mia. I’m not going to lie to you, I didn’t realise
how much I wanted the security of a marriage and the love of a family for
myself until I met you and I’ll always want those things with
you
Mia, always,
but the pain I feel at imagining you’ll never give them to me, is far less than
what I just felt hearing you say you’d leave me. I can’t imagine my life
without you baby. Please don’t do that to me,
to us
. Stay with me, I
feel like I’m dying inside,’ he gazed at me, so devastated that I had to close
my eyes.

‘O god Gabe,’
I sighed. Part of me hated how easily he was prepared to give up his desires
just to keep me, the other part of me felt so reassured. He really did love me,
he’d do anything to keep me, which only served to confuse me more. I released
him and backed away, but he grabbed my hands and pulled me back into his arms
squashing me to his chest. I don’t know whose heart was racing faster, his or
mine.

‘I thought
I was your engine?’ he whispered.

‘You
are
.’
I opened my eyes again and looked up at him, letting him see how much I was
hurting too.

‘Then don’t
do this Mia. Stay with me. Please stay.’ He stroked my face desperately
searching my eyes for an answer. I broke contact from his gaze again, it was
too much. I lightly touched his lips with my fingers then kissed them and
wrapped my arms around his neck and whispered in his ear.

‘Take me
home with you then Gabe.’ The words came out so easily, I hated myself for
caving and letting my overwhelming desire for him outweigh what was the right
thing to do.

‘You mean
it? You really mean it?’

‘I mean it,
I love you too much to let you go.’ I sighed. I had a feeling I was going to
end up regretting this decision, that I was going to get horribly hurt, but the
thought of a few more months or years with him suddenly seemed so much more
important than the potential pain as we stood here right now.

‘O god Mia,’
he groaned. He pushed his face into my shoulder and I felt his tears of relief
on my neck. I closed my eyes to stop the pain I felt from my own selfishness. I
suddenly felt my knees buckle as exhaustion hit me like an artic truck and he
lifted me up, lay me down on the bed and climbed in beside me and held me tightly
as he kissed my head over and over.

I was
suddenly aware of movement and groggily opened my eyes, shocked to realise I
was in his car. I looked down to see I was still barefoot and looked over at
him, he looked how I felt, physically and emotionally drained.

‘You’re
awake,’ he said quietly as he glanced at me.

‘Where are
we? We were in the hospital after I … after we …’ I felt his hand squeeze my
thigh.

‘You fell asleep
again, I think your painkillers kicked in, so I carried you to the car and went
back to get your things. We’re nearly home.’

‘How can
you be so good to me? I don’t deserve you, you deserve better,’ I whispered.

‘I’ll
always take care of you Mia, your welfare and happiness are the most important
things in my life.’

I picked up
his hand and kissed it and felt my eyes closing again. My need for sleep was
too hard to fight against and I drifted off again.

I groaned
as I felt my jeans being tugged down. I kept trying to open my eyes, but they
weren’t responding. When I felt a warm stinging sensation on my stomach I
gasped,
now
I was awake. I opened them wide and tried to sit up and felt
a restraining hand on my shoulder. I realised I was lying down on a bed looking
up at Gabe straddling my thighs.

‘
Owwww
,
what’s going on?’ I moaned.

‘You’re so
exhausted you keep falling asleep on me. It’s like you’ve got bloody narcolepsy
or something. I put you on the bed to undress you and found blood all over your
stomach. You’ve buggered up a set of your stitches and slightly opened one of
your incisions wearing those stupid tight fucking jeans,’ he grumbled.

‘O god,’ I
groaned.

‘They told
me to clean you with warm salted water, which is probably stinging you.’ I
tried to sit up again and he pushed me back down. ‘Lie still Mia,’ he snapped. I
bit my lips and covered my eyes with my hands to try and stop the tears
starting again, he sounded so cross with me. ‘Shit Mia, I’m sorry, just lie still
while I clean you. Lexi’s digging out some steri-strips to reseal it. Luckily it’s
only the top bit that’s opened. You’ve got proper stitches deeper in the incision.’

‘Are we in
your bedroom?’ I sniffed.

‘Yes.’

‘You’re
angry with me.’ I could hear it in his voice, he was short and sharp.

‘Yes,’ he
hissed with a quick glare.

‘Why?’ I
tried to reach up and touch him and he grabbed my hand and pinned it to the
bed.

‘You’re not
taking care of yourself Mia. You’ve hardly eaten anything, or drunk any water
today, you obviously hurt yourself earlier and didn’t tell me. Also you tried
to fucking end things with me. Now you’re lying on my bed in the tiniest pair
of sexy knickers and I want to fuck you. I always want to fuck you when I’m mad
with you and right now I can’t. So yes I’m fucking angry, angry and
fucking
frustrated,’ he bellowed and looked at my face, the glare in his eyes blistering
my skin.

‘I’m so sorry,’
I whispered. He looked like he was going to say something and was interrupted
by a knock on the door.

‘What?’ he
snapped, not taking his eyes off me.

‘Sorry Mr
Grumpy, you asked me to find strips and I’ve got them. You want me to come in
or what?’ called Lexi. His face relaxed a little as he saw me smile to hear her
voice.

‘Sorry I
snapped Lexi, come in,’ he called. I heard the door open, but he was blocking
my view.

‘Holy shit you’re
not at it are you? I so don’t need to see that and isn’t it a bit soon?’

‘I’m
holding her still as she’s struggling and she’s going to open her bloody incision
again. Come over Lexi, I need you to help me with her.’

‘Lex?’ I
felt the tears rolling down my face as I saw her appear.

‘Christ,
she’s bloody off again,’ sighed Gabe, releasing my hand and rubbing his face. ‘If
she’s not sleeping, she’s crying Lexi. I just don’t know how to help her.’

‘You’re
doing a great job Gabe. Come on let’s get these put in place and she needs to
sleep. Dr Wells warned it can be very emotional after having an op, with the
effects of the anaesthetic and drugs. She said she’d need to sleep a lot.’

‘I’m lying
right here, I can hear you both you know,’ I mumbled through my tears.

‘Baby you’ve
got to lie still while I try and do this. I don’t want to fuck up and leave you
with a nasty scar ok?’

‘Ok,’ I
sniffed. Lexi shuffled up to sit facing me and held my hand and I gave it a big
squeeze. ‘
Lexi,
hey you,’ I smiled.

‘Hey
you
.
Been quite a handful I hear?’

‘You too
Lex, I’ve missed you
so
much. Are you ok?’ I winced as I felt Gabe
gently pinch one of my incisions closed and rub a strip over it.