Finding My Way (53 page)

***

I grabbed some fish
and chips for dinner on the way over to Emma’s.  We are now lounging on
the couch listening to music.

“Why did you let me
eat so much?” Emma groans again.

“Like I could stop
you,” I laugh.

“Are you picking on
me, calling me a pig?”  She lifts one eyebrow to falsely scowl at me.

“No I would
never.”  I raise my hands in surrender, causing her to giggle.  “Hey
so guess what?”

“What?”

“
Tahlia
and Ryan are officially going out.”

“I know.”  She
smiles smugly.

“Oh you do, do
you?” I ask tickling her ribs.

“Oh yes,
Tahlia
and I are
besties
now you
know.  We Facebook,” she giggles as she tries to swat my hands away.

“Is that
right?” I ask as I stop tickling her and pull her towards me.

“Yep,” she says,
popping the ‘p’ as her face goes serious.  I can see the desire in her
eyes as I clutch her waist and lean towards her for a kiss.  She leans
forward and closes the gap.  We kiss hard and fast and I push her back
against the couch to lie on top of her.  She groans, but it’s not a
desirable one.  I lift my head to look at her and see her wince.

“What’s wrong? 
Are you okay?” I ask with concern.

“Yeah,
just really, really full.”
  I lift my weight off of her stomach.

“What?  No room
for dessert?” I ask with a wiggle of my eyebrows.  She groans and
pouts her lip.  “What if I promise to take care of you and I do all the
work?”  I ask as I nuzzle her neck careful to keep my weight off her.

“
Mmm
,
maybe,” she hums as she tilts her head to the side.

“I promise to let you
lie back and relax.”

“That might work,”
she mumbles.  I pull back to see her smiling at me and quickly capture her
lips once more, before pulling her up from the couch and taking her to her
bedroom.

We are completely
naked and panting with need.  I reach for the bedside drawer and pull out
the box of condoms, it feels too light.

“Oh no, we’re
out!”  That can’t be right.  I stop fumbling in the dark and turn on
the bedside light.  Sure enough, the box is empty.  I sit up and
fumble through the drawer looking for any strays that may have fallen from the
box.  I come up empty.  Wow we’ve finished the whole box already… I
guess we have been busy.  I flop against the pillows try to regulate my
breathing.

“Hmm… so you
wanna
watch TV?”  I say with a smirk, looking down on
Seth who is lying, panting, further down the bed.

Seth looks up at me
and gives me an “as-if” look and pulls me back down beside him.  We start
kissing again and I feel the desire building again.  He reaches back down
between my legs and caresses me.

“Seth,
no.”
 
He kisses me and continues
to move his hand against me, making me moan, “
we
can’t…”

“Why
not?”

“I’m not on the
pill…you know that.”

“So?”  His
tongue moves over my neck.

“
Mmm
…no,”
I whisper again as I thrust against his fingers with another moan.  My
body betrays me by screaming “yes.”  And it’s my body that Seth listens to
as he moves into position over my opening.  He rubs himself against
me.  “This heat of the moment decision…” I pant as he kisses my neck, “mmm…
could alter the path of our lives forever,” I say in a moment of clarity
as Seth’s other hand moves down to cup one of my breasts.

“No it won’t, this is
our path,” he replies as his mouth trails kisses down my stomach.
 “It’s where we are headed anyway.”  He stops kissing me, lifting his
head to look up at me for a second before returning his attention back to my
neck.

“What?” I barely
whisper.

“I thought…”  He
pulls himself back up on top of me, so we’re face to face, his beautiful brown
eyes drilling into mine.  “Look I’m a traditional guy in a way.
 
I mean, I would prefer to marry you first,
but… I want you to have my babies,” he states firmly as he hovers inches from
my face, the look in his eyes sincere.  He kisses me passionately.  I
force him back by his shoulders breaking our lips apart.

“
You
what
?”
  I glare at him.

“I want you to have
my babies,” he repeats.  He moves his hips against mine as if to make his
point, like an exclamation point to his declaration.  “
What?
 
We talked about kids, you said you wanted them.”  He looks at me with
confusion.

“I do.”

“So…” he starts
running his tongue down my throat again.  It takes me a moment to think
about what is actually going on here. 
He can’t be serious, have his
babies? 
Now?
  I let him distract me
again with his body on mine. 
This can’t be happening
.  I put
my palm to his chin, lifting his face to mine.

“Seth, no,” I
whisper, panicked, looking into his eyes.  He stops moving instantly and
watches me thoughtfully for a moment before pulling away.  Swinging his
legs off the side of the bed, he sits with his back to me.

“It’s me, isn’t
it?” he speaks so softly it takes me a few seconds to register the
words.  He turns his head to me.  “You want kids, but not with me.”

“No Seth,” I plead
pulling myself up onto my knees and putting my arm across his shoulders. 
“That’s not – you took me by surprise, that’s all… I hadn’t really considered
getting pregnant…” I kiss his shoulder.  “I don’t know if that’s what I
want
right now
.  I want kids someday, but not yet.”

“You’re right.  I
don’t know what I was thinking.  It’s just, well I love you Emma.  An
unplanned pregnancy would be a blessing.  I see my future with you. 
Marriage, kids, the works.”

I stare at his side
profile trying to take in his words.  It’s obvious that we are not on the
same page.  He swings his head to the side to look at me but I can’t meet
his gaze.

“Seth I…”  I
look down at my fingers now fiddling with the sheet beside my naked lap.

“You
what?”

“We’ve only been
together for like a month.  I’m not ready for any of that,” I say softly
staring at my fingers until they become a blur.  I blink back tears that I
hadn’t realised were forming.  God I’m not really sure I want any of those
things, for like the next decade. 
Or with him
.
 
He’s right, I’m not sure I see the same future he does at all.  One thing
is for sure, I’m making an appointment to see a doctor first thing.  I’m
getting myself back on the pill.

It hurt that night
when I realised that Emma and I weren’t thinking of the same future.  I
can’t say I blamed her though.  I have this habit of pushing her too hard,
too fast.  She needs more time to get to where I am and I have to respect
that.  It doesn’t make me feel very secure in the relationship though,
when she hasn’t ever said those three words I’ve been longing to hear. 
Sometimes I wonder if it’s me she wants at all, those moments don’t last long
but they do appear occasionally, like that night.

She was right about
the baby part though.  There’s no need to rush.  We are
young,
we have plenty of time for that.  So Emma’s back
on the pill, for now.  Even though I still see that future with her, I
know now it’s not going to happen any time soon.  It’s just that I have
been seeing a lot of Beck and Kevin lately and they have this beautiful,
equally loving relationship.  Kevin is so good with Darcy; he has taken to
the role of dad so well.  It’s so lovely to watch the three of them
together.  I can’t help but be envious of that.

After so long without
talking to Nick I’m tempted to try fare evasion and climb aboard the train
without a valid ticket.  I also know that I could purchase my ticket
elsewhere, but instead I’m standing in line at his booth waiting my turn to be
served.  I watch him as he serves the customers in front of me.  It’s
the first time in almost a month that I have had the chance to really look at
him.  He is as beautiful as ever though he doesn’t seem to have his usual
suaveness.  It’s almost as if the light has gone out behind those
beautiful blue eyes.  It’s obvious that he wishes he was anywhere but
where he is right now.  I wonder how much longer it is before he leaves,
maybe that’s where his mind is, planning his big trip.

I’m so caught up in
my own thoughts that I don’t move quick enough when the guy in front turns
around.  He jostles me slightly when he tries to leave after his
purchase.  Nick is busy putting cash in the register and doesn’t notice me
straight away.

“A monthly ticket
please,” I say and watch as he robotically grabs one and puts it through the
validating machine.

“That’ll be-” he
jumps slightly as he looks up and sees me. 
“
Em
!”
  A smile instantly lights up his face and
the sparkle is back in his eyes. 
Did I just do that?
  I feel
my heart pick up in speed.  I can’t help but return his smile.  “Wow
Em
, you look great!”

“It’s good to see you
Nick.”  It is.  It
really
is. 
God I’ve missed him!
 
Seeing him this close makes me realise how much.  I hand him my money and
he silently hands me back my ticket and change.  The train pulls in and I
reluctantly have to turn away.

“I’ve missed you,” he
says barely above a whisper when my back is turned.

“I’ve missed you
too,” I mutter under my breath as I walk away, not sure if he’s heard me or
not.

She misses me
too.  That’s all I needed to hear.  That’s what I’ve been longing to
hear.  Maybe she’s finished with that Seth guy.  Maybe I have a
chance now.  At least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself as I walk
up the steps to her apartment that night.

I hear voices inside
as I knock on the door, females laughing.

“
Nick?
” 
Em
swings the door open and looks shocked to see me,
rightfully so I guess.  “What are you doing here?”

“Hi
Em
.
  Can we talk?”

“Sure.”  She
swings the door open further, looking anything but
sure
.  I follow her into the apartment suddenly feeling
nervous.  I look around the place wondering if I’m about to spot that Seth
guy but I only see her friend Kat sitting on the lounge.  “You remember
Kat?”

“Yes.  Hi Kat,”
I say awkwardly.

“Hello.”
 
Kat’s eyes go wide as she looks back and
forth between
Em
and I.  “I might just take this
wine out onto the balcony for a bit, it’s lovely out tonight.”

Em
and I stand in an uncomfortable silence beside one another.

“So
how have you been?” she asks me out of politeness.
  I don’t
respond.  I turn towards her and I just have to ask.

“Are you still seeing
that Seth guy?”  It comes out more abruptly than I intend.

“Yes,” she
answers quietly not looking me in the eye.  I bend down to get closer to
her face, so she is forced to look at me.

“Yes?” I
repeat.  “Why?”

“What?”  She
finally looks at me those beautiful green eyes lost in confusion.

“Why are you with
him?  What has he got that I don’t?  We could be so good together,
you and me.”

“You and me?” she
asks distractedly, looking more confused.

“Yes
Em
, you and me.  Get rid of Seth and go out with
me.”  Her eyes finally hook onto mine and I let out a sigh, when I see the
desire in them.  I’m sure her heartbeat has picked up to the same speed as
mine.  “God, I’ve missed you,” I mutter before placing my finger on her
chin and pulling her to my mouth.  She pulls away before our lips connect.

“No Nick.” She takes
a step back.  “What are you doing?  I have a boyfriend,” she
says, her eyes searching mine.  “You don’t do relationships.”  She
says simply without inflection.  I note that she didn’t actually give me a
definite “no” to dumping the guy.

That’s when the
sliding door to the balcony opens and her friend walks back in.

“It’s getting a
little cold out there,” Kat says as she slides the door shut behind her. 
“So Nick, are you coming to
Em’s
birthday drinks?”

I see
Em
flinch as she stares daggers at Kat who only smirks in
response.

“No, she didn’t
mention it was her birthday.”
 
I smile at
Kat, my new accomplice.  “When and where?”

“On her actual
birthday, 26
^th
of October, it’s this Friday. 
O’Malley’s Pub, eight o’clock.
  You know it?”  Kat
looks at me, completely ignoring
Em
as she says her
name in a warning tone.

“Yes I do.”  I
turn to
Em
.  “I’ll be there.”  Then I lean
in and whisper in her ear, seductively, hoping she will get my intended
innuendo.  “What would you like for your birthday?”

I see the goose
pimples break out on her neck before I step away.  I swallow as I notice
the blush on her cheeks and the anger in her eyes. 
God she turns me
on.

“I’ll let you two
girls get back to your show.”  I motion towards the TV, reminding
Em
that I know her well, that I know she’s having her usual
Monday night with her best friend. 
Em
doesn’t
say a word as I leave her apartment.