Finding Home (8 page)

Jessica started to pace the room, nervous energy filling her as she searched for the courage to ask for money from the woman who had been so kind to her and who was obviously struggling. She straightened her shoulders.

“I know it’s a lot to ask, but I actually need to leave anyway. I was hoping…well, I was hoping you would…you could, rather, lend me just enough money for a train ticket back east.”

She waited, holding her breath.

Ellie didn’t reply, but Jessica heard her muffle the phone and start speaking to someone on the other end of the line. Harold, she assumed.

“Well, Jess, we don’t have much…”

“Oh, I know,” she said, the air pushing out of her lungs. “I’ll pay you back as soon as I can. As soon as I get to the city. With interest.”

“Oh no, it’s not that, dear. We wish we could give you more. All we have available is in the cookie jar on the back counter. It’s yours. You don’t have to pay it back. Consider it a really crappy severance and Christmas bonus tied into one.” Ellie laughed, but there was no mirth in her voice. “Will we see you when we return tonight?”

“I don’t know,” Jessica replied. “I want to get a train out as quickly as possible. But I’ll be back, I promise.”

Ellie laughed that sad laugh again. “Oh, we’ve heard that before, my dear.”

* * * *

The cold wrapped around Ben as the wind whipped through the old train station. Jessica stood at the ticket counter, her red curls popping defiantly out of the tight winter cap she’d donned before they left. Fingers frozen even through his gloves, Ben blew on his hands to warm them. It had no effect at all.

He felt hollow and depressed. What had started out as a promising Christmas had shriveled into every other Christmas he could remember since childhood. The holiday left him feeling inadequate and small. He couldn’t help but blame himself for Jessica’s departure.

She claimed she had unfinished family business to attend to, but wouldn’t those issues have been there since she came to Minnesota? Why after sleeping with him was it imperative for her to leave immediately? Did she think it had been a mistake? Could the best sex of his life have been nothing more than a misstep for the beauty exchanging his parents’ emergency fund for a ticket back home?

His ears burned at the thought. Yet another instance where Ben was left in the dust, unsure of what he’d done wrong but sure it was his fault. He had been kidding himself to think that he could change. He would never do anything but let other people down.

“All set,” Jessica said, as she reached him. They sat on one of the empty benches. It turned out not too many people traveled by train on Christmas Eve.

“When do you leave?” Ben asked, unable to meet her intense green gaze.

“The train should be here in fifteen minutes.”

“Are you sure you have to go?” Ben cursed himself for the words he couldn’t help.

“Ben,” Jessica said, taking his gloved hand in her own. “I will be back as soon as I can. I promise. And I’ll call to keep you updated.”

Ben nodded, but he didn’t believe her. He knew better than anyone how empty those words could be. He might as well face the facts. He’d never see her again. They sat in silence for a few moments. Though Ben wanted to say something, he couldn’t muster the words. Jessica angled her head, resting it on his shoulder. He took comfort in the sugary scent of her hair under the strong smell of the homemade wool cap.

“Did my mom make that for you?” he asked, finally.

“Yes, isn’t it lovely?”

“It looks wonderful on you.” Ben sighed. Pointless last conversation. He should be telling her how much she meant to him, how much he cared for her, how sorry he was for whatever he’d done to frighten her away. Pride held him back. No need to make this more awkward than it already was. If he bared his soul and she laughed at him or ignored it, he felt certain he would never recover.

The train screeched to a halt outside the drafty building, and they rose to meet it. Ben carried Jessica’s bags, just two, and loaded them for her. She came to stand next to him as he finished, and he couldn’t stop himself from reaching for her. He tilted his head and pressed her lips in a chaste, aching kiss, imprinting this scene as a snapshot in his memory. As she pulled away, she wiped tears from her eyes.

“This is silly,” she said with a shaky laugh. “I’ll be back soon. Let’s just hope you’re still here.”

She stepped onto the train, waving, a sad smile on her face. Ben’s stomach flopped and gurgled as he watched her leaving the station. He was nauseous and had to stop and lean against the wall to regain his composure. He walked with slow steps to the old SUV then headed home with emptiness filling his heart. His parents would be back in three hours. Somehow, he had to lift the veil of despair to greet them on their Christmas return.

Chapter Seven

Jessica transferred to the Green Line after the train dropped her off at Riverside. She’d slept through most of the long trip home, and now was on the final leg. She felt scratchy and frumpy after spending nearly a day on the train, but she smiled with gratitude at the young man who exchanged her money for tokens at the turnstile. He wished her Merry Christmas with a grin. It felt nice to have some human interaction, and she gave him a tip with her remaining coins.

It was Christmas day, and Jessica was on her way to her uncle’s house in Woodbridge. He’d left his full contact information in every email. She’d contemplated stopping back at her old apartment but had decided against it. She hadn’t paid rent since July, and she was sure the landlord had indicated he would have to get new tenants by now. She wondered what had become of her stuff. Anything that had been hers there must now be gone, destroyed or used by someone new. She’d given up so much on a cynical suspicion. She laughed in a rueful tone, causing the few other passengers on the T to look her way then buried her nose in a book she grabbed from the top of one of her duffles to avoid further glances.

Just ten minutes after boarding, she reached her destination. Hauling her bags behind her, Jessica considered the long walk ahead of her. She didn’t have enough money for a cab. At least, her boots were warm and snug against her feet. She drifted down the stairs, the doubt and fear she’d been holding deep inside finally boiling over to the surface. What awaited her here? She hoped she wouldn’t entirely ruin Christmas for everyone.

“Where you headed, Miss?” a cabbie asked from his taxi.

“Oh, I’ve got no money,” she said, her tone sheepish. “But thank you.”

She moved a few more steps when the voice called her back.

“Excuse me,” the man said. Jessica peered into the car at the driver’s face. It was weathered and wrinkled, and kind amber eyes picked up the lights of the station, reflecting them back to her.

“Yes?”

“It’s just that it’s awfully cold out here, and you’re likely to freeze to death before you make it to any of them there houses. Where are you going?”

She rattled off the address she now knew by heart.

“Well,” the man smiled, “wouldn’t you know? I was going by there anyway. Let me give you a lift.”

“Oh, I couldn’t.” Jessica ducked her head in embarrassment. “I truly have no money.”

“Consider it a Christmas present,” the driver said. “Please.”

She flashed him a grateful smile and walked to the passenger seat. “If that’s the case, I hope you won’t mind me sitting up front?”

He grinned back at her. “Not at all. I’m Charlie.”

“Jessica,” she said, opening the back door to sit her bags down then taking her place beside him.

She made pleasant chit-chat with him, relieved to hear the thick Boston accent. She hadn’t realized she’d missed it.

Charlie talked about his grandkids and spoke excitedly about seeing them that evening. She was to be his last run of the evening, he said.

“Your last run is a freebie? I am blessed. I can never thank you enough.”

“It’s nothing, Jessica. I’m happy to know you.”

She snorted. “Well, that makes you the only one.” She fingered the rings around her neck and looked out the window.

“Actually, Charlie, can you stop here for just a moment,” she said on a whim, a decision taking hold of her as she saw the brassy lights of a pawnshop signifying it was open, even on Christmas.

“Anything you’d like, honey,” he said. “But are you sure you want to delay your return home?”

She nodded. This was the least she could do. She gave the jewelry a goodbye tug as she made her way to the door.

Peering at the greasy young man behind the counter, she offered up her family history.

“I’ll give you five-hundred dollars for them.”

“What?” Jessica peered at the kid behind the counter. She hadn’t expected to get full price for the pieces, but she knew they were worth at least five-hundred-thousand possibly a million. “No, I can’t do that.”

“Best I can do,” he said, not deigning to look at her.

“What’s going on out there, Freddy?” An old woman’s voice echoed from the back room.

“Nothing, Granny,” the man bit back. “Just a chick trying to sell her wedding rings on Christmas.”

Jessica bristled.

“These aren’t mine,” she said. “They belonged to my dead mother, and I know for a fact that they’re worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. I’ll be on my way.”

She moved quickly to exit the shop, the door jingling as she pulled it open.

“Wait a moment, dearie, if you will.” The elderly woman hobbled her way to the front.

Jessica hesitated, looking back at the short, fragile frame that had come to stand behind her.

“What are you really doing here?” the matron asked.

“It’s a really long story,” Jessica began, but stopped as unexpected tears threatened to break her composure. The woman waited patiently. “I’ve come home for Christmas to meet a family I never knew,” Jessica began again. “I’m trying to bridge over an old grudge, but I don’t really know what I’m doing.” Insecurity folded over her. She felt so very small and alone.

She set her jaw. She’d not let these scheming people see her cry.

“Let me see them,” the woman said, holding out a veined hand.

Jessica considered her for a long moment before slipping the chain over her head and placing them in the grandma’s palm. “I don’t have much time. My friend is waiting for me outside.”

“Friend?” The young man sniggered. “Looks like a cabbie to me.”

“Sure is,” said Jessica, her eyes flashing up at him in anger. “And my only friend right now.”

“Make it two,” the old woman said, handing the rings back to Jessica.

“Two?”

“Two friends.” The lady’s face crinkled into a smile. “Freddy, give the woman five-thousand for these.”

“What?” The young man was incredulous. “We don’t even know if they’re real. You can’t be serious.”

“Oh, I’m deathly serious,” the woman said, not looking at her grandson but keeping her gaze trained on Jessica. “I’m Mae,” she said. “Pleased to meet you.”

“Pleased to meet you,” Jessica echoed, unsure of what exactly was taking place.

“I’ll give you the money for these on one condition,” Mae continued as she turned and hobbled to the counter.

Jessica sighed.
Of course. Conditions.

She waited for the woman to continue.

“After tonight,” Mae said, “you have to promise me you’ll come back.”

“What? Why?”

Mae smiled at her. “Because,” she murmured as Jessica gave the jewelry back to her, “if these are real, which I suspect they are, you’re right. They’re worth a lot more than five-thousand dollars.”

“Then we should sell them to the highest bidder,” the young man piped up, exasperation on his face. “New Year’s and Valentine’s Day are coming up. Some rich schmuck will buy them for ten times the cost.”

“Why don’t you shut up,” Mae snapped at her grandson. “It’s Christmas. Follow Christ.” She turned back to Jessica. “We will keep these in the backroom, saving them for you. Will you come back?”

Jessica nodded, a lump lodged in her throat.

“Give her the money,” Mae ordered. With reluctant fingers, Freddy turned over the cash.

“I don’t know what to say,” Jessica said to Mae, fingering the wad in her hand.

“Say thank you, dear,” Mae answered simply. “And Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” Jessica whispered, tears streaming down her face. “And thank you.”

* * * *

Ben stalked around the kitchen as his mother prepared the Christmas feast for the evening. They’d arrived back to the farmhouse just a few hours after Jessica had left, and Ben hadn’t spoken a word of the fair girl since. He just couldn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to face yet another failure. How many would mark his life?

“Ben, honey, can you come stir this gravy? I’ve got to slice the roast, and I don’t want lumps.”

Ellie shot him a sidelong glance as he stood beside her.

“What, mom?”

The knife went easily through the meat, hitting the cutting board with a thunk.

“Nothing,” Ellie said. She cut another slice then a third. She put down the knife, wiping her hands on her apron. “It’s just…aren’t you going to go after her?”

Ben stared at his mother, the spoon idling in the gravy. “What do you mean? She left. She obviously doesn’t want me around.”

“What was to keep her here, honey? Without the work we could no longer afford to give her, how could she stay? If you had wanted her to, you needed to say something, anything. At least given her a chance to decide with all the information. Where’s the Ben I used to know?” Ellie asked.

“The Ben who disappeared without a word, so sure of himself?” Ben asked. “He ruined his future and burned the bridges to his past. I left him in New York.”

“Well, bring him back.”

Ben started stirring again. “What are you talking about? That Ben was wrong. And he treated you like crap.”

“And?” Ellie looked at him.

“And I’m so sorry, Mom.”

“Well, thank you.” She patted his arm. “But that’s not what I meant.” She paused, picking up the cutlery again. “I wasn’t talking about that Ben. I was talking about the Ben I knew before he left. The wide-eyed, hopeful, confident kid who took a dream he had and ran with it.”