Finding Ever After (14 page)

           
“Yeah, and if you’ll give me just a little bit of your time I’ll explain
everything.”

           
I let him follow me over to the little diner down the street. I claimed a
corner booth in the back and he slid in across from me.

           
“So, you want to talk,
then
talk.”I raised my arm
up to flag down a waitress and ordered a cup of tea, Shane got a coffee.

           
“I know I’ve never been anything other than another reason for you to hate our
family, but I’d like the chance to change that. I want to try to actually be
your brother.” Not what I was expecting and I wasn’t buying it.

           
“Why now?” He had plenty of opportunities during my six year stay at that house
to be my brother. What could have changed in the time that I had been gone?

           
“Because I didn’t protect you when I should have.”
I
froze, knowing exactly what he was referring to and an icy chill swept over me
as I mentally relived it. “I swear I didn’t know . . . I might not have liked
you at the time and I never stopped Connor from running his mouth around you,
but I would never have been okay with what he . . . I didn’t find out until
later or I swear I would have stopped him.” Maybe it was the look on his face
or something in his voice, but I believed he was telling me the truth. I was
surprised by the hope I felt inside, the relief at knowing he hadn’t been in on
it.

           
“How did you find out?”

           
“Sebastian showed up at the house about a week after you took off. Connor and I
were the only ones there. Your buddy charged in and exploded, he threw himself
on Connor faster than either one of us could react. He busted up his face
pretty good before I ripped him off. I was about to lay into him when he
started screaming, asking what Connor had done to you this time, and yelling
that if he had put his hands on you again he was
gonna
kill him. At first I thought he had just lost his damn mind, then I remembered
the first time your friend broke Connor’s nose. You were supposed to be
grounded but you refused to come back to the house no matter what Dad
threatened, and when you did finally come back you were so quiet and seemed
scared like you were when you first moved in. That’s when I realized something
must have gone down that I didn’t know about.” It gave me a tiny sliver of
satisfaction to know that Bas had gotten Connor good again. He would have
killed him that night when he found us if he hadn’t been so concerned with
getting me out of there.

           
“I was confused and stunned all at the same time. Here was this kid, he knew
who our father was and who could’ve been at the house that day, and he just
didn’t care. He was willing to take anyone on to protect you and I just had
this feeling like that should’ve been me. I told Sebastian that you had taken
off on your own, that nobody had hurt you. He just looked me in the eye laughed
and told me I had to be joking saying nobody had hurt you. He left but I felt
fucking sick, because he was right. We had all been hurting you for years.” His
eyes were swamped with guilt and shame, and I knew it was genuine.

           
“I didn’t know what to do.” His voice sounded defeated. I knew it was tough for
him to tell me this. “I went to Dad and when I found out that he had pushed you
into that situation that night, it wasn’t hard for me to put the pieces
together about what went down. I was pissed and I was done. I told Dad I was
out.”

           
“How’d that go over?” I could just imagine the look on my dad’s face as his
favorite child and protégé told him he was leaving.

           
“Not fucking well. He was already in a rage over you splitting and he just came
unglued.”

           
“Like he cared one way or the other where I was.
I’m
sure he was just disappointed he couldn’t marry me off to Connor and keep all
of the business in the family, but hey he still had one daughter left, he
could’ve just given Cathryn to him.”

           
“She certainly tried that, but Connor never wanted her. It was always you, and
I’m sorry nobody ever stopped that.” I wasn’t surprised to hear that Cathryn
had thrown herself at Connor. She just didn’t know how lucky she was that he
didn’t want her. Although they might actually be made for each other, she was
almost as cruel and vicious as he was. “But you’re underestimating how Dad
feels about you. Even though I know he played his part in what happened, I
don‘t think he knows the extent of what Connor did. He wouldn’t listen when I
tried to make him see it, but I think that if he really knew everything, he
would kill him.”

           
“You’re wrong. I’m not underestimating anything. I’m pretty clear on just how
much contempt and loathing he feels towards me. I think maybe you’re confusing
yourself, or Ryan or even Cathryn, with me. I’m the one he can’t stand.” My Dad
wasn’t really loving or affectionate with any of us, but none of them got the
same hostility and resentment from him that I did. Shane was his favorite, he
tolerated Ryan and Cath, but he despised me.

           
“That’s because he cares about you more than the rest of us.” Now I really was
beginning to think this whole thing was some cruel joke.

           
“I think the word you meant to use was less. He cares about me less than the
rest of you.”

           
“I know it seems that way, but it’s not true. He just has a harder time
accepting you because you remind him of your mom.” Why was he bringing my
mother into it? He must’ve read the question on my face. “As hard as he tried
he tried he couldn’t stop himself from loving her.” I was instantly furious. My
father did a lot of things to my mom, but loving her was not one of them.

           
“Don’t you
dare.
” I seethed. “You don’t know what
you’re talking about, but he sure as hell didn’t love my mother. He broke her.
He used her and ripped her heart out and never looked back. That is not love.”
I could feel my rage building like a hurricane fueled by the pain that man
caused her. My raised voice caused customers to look our way. Shane noticed as
well and lowered his own voice.

           
“Our father is a special kind of bastard, but he did love her, as much as he is
capable of loving anyone. That’s exactly why he did those things. He has no use
for love because it has no value to him. It’s a weakness and he despises
weakness in people, especially himself.”

           
“That’s sick and so messed up. You don’t do that to people you love. Where are
you even getting this from? What makes you so sure you’re right?”

           
“I know it doesn’t make sense to you, you’re not twisted like he is. He doesn’t
tolerate weakness so he tried to eliminate it. He did that by leaving your Mom
and he did it by being just as awful to you, making sure that you would hate
him. She’s the only one he ever loved and I would imagine that since you’re a
piece of her, it still affects him deeply.”

           
“You‘re saying he reserved a unique brand of cruelty just for us because he was
afraid of loving us? I have a hard time believing that.”

           
“Answer me this, why out of all his kids were you the only one allowed to be
raised by your mom? When the rest of us were born we were put into the care of
nannies under his control and our moms were only given limited access to us,
but not you.” I didn’t have an answer for him and he knew it.

           
“He let your mom keep you and gave up any say in your life because he couldn’t
stop himself from caring about her. As much as he hurt her, he couldn’t take
you away from her. He wasn’t willing to give the rest of our moms, or anyone
else, the opportunity to manipulate him by using his kids, but he did in your
case.”

           
“My mom would have fought him. My mom would never have sat back and let him
take me.” I didn’t mean for that to shine such a harsh light on
his own
mother, but I couldn’t change the truth.

           
“You’re right about your mom being different, but do you honestly think if he
had wanted to take you, that she could have stopped him?” No. No matter how
much my mother loved me and no matter how hard she would have fought, he could
have kept her from ever seeing me again. Nobody ever gets in his way and
survives.        

           
“You know, we didn’t even know you existed before you came to live with us, I’m
not sure if anyone did. Not a word was ever spoken about you, but I remember
the day I found out. I was fifteen and for days Dad had been in the worst mood
any of us had ever seen. Throwing and smashing things all over the house. He
was like a damn grizzly bear, nobody wanted to approach him for anything
because he was biting heads off left and right. Then one morning he came into
my room, told me to put a suit on and come with him.

           
“We ended up standing in the back at a funeral service. Everyone there was
crying and I didn’t understand why we were there. It was for some lady I had
never heard of. I looked around, it wasn’t a huge service, but I could tell
that the people must have really loved whoever she was. Then dad just looked at
me and said, ‘These people all are fools. This is what happens when you let
your emotions rule you. Don’t waste your time on love or you’ll end up just
like them.’ I’d never seen Dad so . . . emotional, but it was nothing compared
to everyone else there. They were all devastated.
Especially
the little girl sitting in the front row.
She was bawling these awful,
heart wrenching sobs. When she walked past me, I saw her face she had the most
shattered look in her eyes, almost like she was empty, like whoever had died
had taken this little girl with them. Then Dad said, ‘She’s your sister.’ We
left and that was it. He didn’t mention it again until the day you moved in.”

           
“That’s not possible. You couldn’t have been at the funeral. I went to a group
foster home for two months because they couldn’t figure out who my father was
to notify him. If he was there then that means he . . .”

           
“He knew, and we were there. He left you in the group home because he hoped
some other relative of your mom’s would pop up and take you. It was his last
attempt to do something for your mom, for you. He was trying to keep you away
from his life and I think he was also too scared to face you. You’re the
manifestation of the only love he’s ever truly shown; his only weakness.”

           
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’d spent my entire life believing my
father hated me. Now I was being told that in his own messed up way he actually
cared about me and my mom. I wasn’t sure what to believe, but I did know it
wouldn’t change anything. Or would it? It definitely didn’t make up for all the
things he had done.

           
“I don’t know what you expect me to do with all this. Even if what you’re
telling me is true, it doesn’t make anything okay. The things he’s done are
inexcusable.”

           
“I know. I didn’t come here to try and get you to forgive him or stop hating
him. I just thought it would help you to understand him better and understand
why I was so cold to you, why Cathryn and Ryan always had it out for you. We
all knew you were different, that you meant something more to him than we did,
and we resented you for it.”

           
“How was any of it my fault? And what the hell could you have possibly
resented? He treated me terribly!” I choked out.

           
“It wasn’t your fault, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. None of it was ever
your fault.”

           
“So now, what?
You’re just over it, done hating me
because I ran away and you finally realized Connor is an evil psychopath and
our father is a coward?” I looked at him skeptically. I just didn’t see how it
was enough for this complete personality makeover I was seeing.

           
“There’s more . . .”

           
I was brought back to the present just as Shane was recounting to Bas, the last
bit of his story; the part that finally convinced me and left absolutely no
doubt about his sincerity. It, or I should say she, was also the main impetus
for my return.

           
“Her name is Isabelle. She turned two six months ago. I found out my girlfriend
Lucy was four months pregnant the day before you showed up looking for Jax. I’m
ashamed to admit that when Lucy told me I reacted exactly as you would have
expected me to. I told her I didn’t want anything to do with a kid, and that
she wasn’t going to use a baby to try and trap me.” Bas’ face screwed into
disgust and he shook his head.  

           
“I’m not proud of my behavior, but the idea of being a father terrified me. After
you showed up and made me realize just how much we had all failed Jaxyn,
especially my dad, I realized I was about to do that to another kid. Lucy knew
she was having a girl and I just kept picturing my daughter as that scared
little twelve year old from the funeral. I thought about Jaxyn’s face each time
Cathryn and Ryan teased her about her mom and the way she would look so
completely defeated every time I intentionally set Dad’s wrath on her. I didn’t
want my child to pay for my shortcomings the way Jaxyn had paid for our
father’s
. I went to Lucy and begged her to forgive me for
being so selfish and I’ve spent every day since trying to make up for my
stupidity then and thanking God that she gave me another chance. I’ll never be
more thankful for anything than I am to have my wife and my daughter.” My
throat felt tight with emotion as I watched my brother’s eyes light up when he
talked about his wife and daughter. It was exactly how a father’s eyes should
look. Bas sighed and ran a hand through his hair.