Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games (16 page)

Man Not Surprised To Learn His
Girlfriend Is A Mind Reader

New Orleans, LA--After countless
fights, squabbles, and spats with his girlfriend, Andy Jamieson is
in no way surprised to learn that his girlfriend is a mind reader.
“Tell me something I don’t know,” Jamieson quips. “I can’t get
anything past her.” Although her mental telepathy ability has
proved fruitful at detecting lies, girlfriend Belinda Anabel
believes it’s as much curse as a blessing. “There are some things
you just don’t want to know,” Anabel mentions. “Besides, Andy think
about sex a lot. I mean we’re talking constantly. Sometimes,
reading his mind just gives me a headache.” But Jamieson notes,
having a mind reader for a girlfriend does have its advantages “she
always knows when I’m in the mood.”

I Want To Be Treated With Respect,
Says Women In Skanky Skirt

Upper East Side, NY--Despite a skimpy
skirt screaming the contrary, Doreen Embers wants to be treated
with the utmost dignity and respect. “Look, I know I’m hot, but I’m
smart too. Really,” Embers remarks before being complimented by a
passerby. “Oh, you like the skirt? I know. Isn’t it sexy?” Embers’
frequent calls for respect have fallen on deaf ears, overshadowed
by skanky mini skirts, high heels, and plunging neck lines. But
with the conversion of a spaghetti strap halter top to a sleeved
shirt in her wardrobe, Embers thought this could be the call for
respect she’s so long craved. “I’m more than just a sex object,
“Embers adds, before being complimented again. “Oh, why thank you.
I love this skirt too.”

Not everything stays in Vegas, local
man learns

Phoenix, AZ--Thirty days after a
raucous trip to Sin City with the boys, Jim Daniels learned the
hard way that the familiar adage "What happens in Vegas, stays in
Vegas" is not in fact true. During a shower that fateful morning,
Jim detected bumps in his genital area, and after a visit to the
doctor realizes he'll have a monthly reminder of exactly how much
things don't stay in Vegas. "It's herpes, " Jim mumbles with equal
parts embarassment and bewilderment. "I'll bet it was that hooker,"
Jim ruminates. "She did seem trashy--as far as hookers go. Or maybe
it was that cocktail waitress," Jim ponders. "Of course it could
have been that nurse. What was her name again?" Jim inquires, "I
bet she wasn't even a real nurse. Damn, my wife's going to kill
me."

Psychics prediction actually comes
true

Kenosha, WS--After nearly a decade of
close calls, near misses, and flat out bad readings, one of strip
mall clairvoyant Shaniqwa Washington's psychic predictions actually
came true. "I always thought those psychic readings were bogus
mumbo jumbo," first time customer Anne Williams says, "but she Miss
Shaniqwa got me spot on when she said I've been unlucky in love.
You can say that again." And with a roster of rejects Anne calls
ex-boyfriends including: a faith healer, dishwasher, comic book
geek, tattoo artist, never was rock star, and small time jewel
thief, the psychic couldn't have been more right. "It's like Miss
Shaniqwa read my mind," Anne continues, befuddled. "But she said
I'm going to meet the perfect guy for me. Wow, she has such a
gift," Anne utters without the slightest sense of irony. "She's
gotta be the best psychic ever."

Entertainment

Or

How to succeed in navel-gazing without
really trying

Actress Uses Collect Them All Approach
To Baby Adoption

Los Angeles, CA--In a bold move to
have a baby from every continent, America’s favorite full time
publicity hound and sometimes Actress yesterday adopted a South
American baby, needing only babies from Europe, Australia, and
Antarctica to complete her collection. “Little Telenovela here is
going to make a great addition to my diverse multinational
publicity team,” the Actress announced. “It’ll be a pleasure
trotting her out when I need a photo op.” Reports have it that the
Actress is already eyeing a German baby she’ll name Schnitzel, and
an Aussie Ladd she’ll name Krikey, but she has come to a snag with
Antartica. “Maybe I’ll have to settle for a penguin,” the Actress
laments. “I’ll call him Waddle.”

Metrosexual ecstatic about great hair
day

Hollywood, CA--TV/radio personality
and local Metrosexual Mogul was overjoyed to wake up with perfect
hair this morning. "This never happens," the Mogul boasts
incredulous. "Usually I spend forty-five minutes lathering,
rinsing, gelling, and moussing, but today is like hair heaven. I
mean really, it's like a gift from the Gods." Of course, nothings
perfect, even for a Metrosexual Mogul. "I couldn't for the life of
me find the right outfit to go with my coiffe. I tried mixing, I
tried matching. It was like apparel apocalypse. The right ensemble
continues to elude me," the Mogul added. "Better luck tomorrow I
guess."

Smiling Supermodel Sacked For Sullen
Sourpuss

New York, NY--Supermodel Isabel Thomas
was fired this week after brazenly smiling on the catwalk. “This is
appallingly unprofessional. I am utterly disgusted,” designer
Enrico Vase ranted. “There’s no room for happiness in modeling.”
Thomas’ smile caused quite a scene and sent shockwaves through the
fashion industry noted for its sulking models with empty, distant
gazes. Thomas was promptly canned for vapid bag of bones Amelia
Endenmeyer. “Amelia perfectly personifies the aloof, coke-addled
detachment we purvey here,” Vase gloats. “I couldn’t imagine anyone
more brilliantly vacuous.”

Celebrity Gives Baby A Normal
Name

Los Angeles, CA--In a daring and
unprecedented move the likes of which we’ll never see again, a
celebrity actually gave her baby a normal name yesterday. “I don’t
know what to say.” The world of celebrity babies, which includes
teaser happy names like Apple, Suri, Pilot, and Moses, now includes
little baby Tom. “Wow, what’s next--Bob? Jim? Even--Joe?” gossip
hog Bonnie Jones inquires. “Nah, that would be like a celebrity
staying out of rehab. It would never happen.” Baby Tom’s Mother
refused to reveal her identity, fearing her rebellious move would
leave her ostracized in the Hollywood community.

Search for hooker with heart of gold
comes up empty

Omaha, NE--According to a recently
released study conducted by Nebraska State University, hookers with
hearts of gold are nothing but Hollywood myth. "Don't pay for sex
thinking you're going to find your soul mate" Tom Wong, head
resercher who spent five years on the project stated. "All you're
really going to get is some woman with low self esteem and Father
issues looking to pay her rent." The study, which cost Nebraska
taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars is being hailed as a
complete failure, unable to validate the Hollywood staple. "I feel
it is my responsibility to inform perverts, creeps and solicitors
everywhere," Wong continued "that prostitution is great for sex,
but if you're looking to find love, go spend your money somewhere
else."

Sports

Or

The Domain of Inflated Ego’s, Shrunken
Balls, and Brawniacs referring to themselves in the third
person

Longtime Fantasy Football Champion
Attempts To Tackle Reality

Arlington, VA--Five time league
champion Tim Murdock announced his retirement from fantasy football
in a press conference yesterday in order to pursue other interests,
namely--reality. “I’ve been putting it off for so long, but after
all the recruiting, mock drafts, and on the field domination, it
was time I got a life,” Murdock stated. “It was a touch decision,
but it’s the right thing to do.” Among Murdock’s future life goals
are: moving out of his Mom’s basement, finding more than a dead end
desk job, and maybe even getting a girlfriend. “I’d really like to
tackle the female gender,” Murdock expressed. “But I’m not sure I’m
ready for that just yet.” Murdock’s former players aren’t taking
the decision so well. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put up
numbers like that again,” a player noted. “There will never be
another fake coach like him.”

Herculean-sized bronzed statue alleged
sticking point in Athletes contract talks

Orlando, FL--The Baseball general
manager meetings have been abuzz with talks where America's
favorite Free Agent Athlete will land. But even with a three
hundred million asking price, partial ownership stake in the team,
a twenty-four hour tv network, and naming rights to the ballpark
among his requests, the alleged sticking point in negotiations is a
demand for a Herculean statue of himself to be erected in front of
his future stadium. "I want to be immortalized for everyone to see.
I want people to have no doubt who they're coming to the ballpark
to worship," the Athlete remarked. But some general managers are
appalled. "Statues are for the greats that have retired." But the
Athlete will hear nothing of it. "I am a living legend" he brags,
"any team would be lucky to have me."

Even our brawls don't attract airtime
anymore, Hockey laments

New York, NY--Brutal brawls and
frenzied fist-fights that used to catch the eye of even the most
casual fan are now falling on blind black eyes. "Fans used to have
an insatiable appetite for carnage, mayhem, and glass shattering
hip checks,“ an anonymous Player ruminates. "But audience just
aren't in the mood for wholesale bone chilling violence anymore.
Bummer." The frozen favorites fortunes fell after a lockout season
where their network airtime was replaced with such lower tier
sports as poker, darts, arm wrestling, table tennis, and
competitive eating. "It makes me want to puke just thinking about
it," the Player continues. "Think of all the concussions that have
been wasted." But Hockey has plans to bring back viewers.
"Intermission ice boxing," the Player boasts. "We‘ll save two
sports at once."

Thanksgiving

Or

A prelude to rampant
commercialism

Wife Wonders If Chain Restaurant
Thanksgiving Not So Bad After All

Atlanta, GA--After countless
Thanksgivings spent slaving away in the kitchen, harried wife
Melissa Norton wonders if spending Thanksgiving at a chain
restaurant wouldn’t be so bad after all. “It would sure be nice not
to have to get up at five to put the turkey in the oven,” Norton
imagines. “Yeah, let someone else make the stuffing from scratch.”
Norton, who when not spending her holidays preparing feasts works
forty hours a week at a marketing firm, thinks it may be time to
give this vacation thing a try. “Wow, to have the whole day off to
rest and relax, that would really be something to give thanks for,”
Norton remarks. “Do people actually do that?”

Boy Resentful After Being Passed Over
For Promotion From Kids Table

Houston, TX--Despite eleven long years
toiling at the kids table, youngster Andrew Langston will have to
wait at least one more year before possible promotion. “This super
sucks,” Langston declares. “I’m not just some baby.” Resentment has
been growing over the last few years for Langston, who thinks he’s
more than earned the right to sit with the adults. “My cousin Timmy
get to sit at the big table,” Langston adds. “And he still picks
his nose.” But the adults seem to pay no attention to Langston’s
seething, focusing instead on heated conversations about politics,
local sports, and Uncle Ernie’s growing drinking problem. But
Langston sees his prospects brightening next year. “I’m for sure
going to be sitting with the adults next year. Otherwise someone’s
going to find a whoopee cushion on their chair.”

Football Marathon Interrupted By
Obligatory Conversation With Long-Winded Aunt

Pittsburgh, PA--Jerry O’Neill’s fifth
hour of football watching was abruptly interrupted by a greeting
from his long-winded Aunt Edna. “Jerry, so nice to see you,” Edna
boasts, unaware of the bone crunching tackle onscreen. “How have
you been?” Much to O’Neill’s chagrin, evasive tactics yielded no
headway. “You know, I was at the dry cleaners the other day,” Edna
adds, oblivious to the deep ball that had just been caught in the
end zone for a go ahead score. “And I thought about that time you
spilled lasagna all over your new shirt.” The tedium showed no sign
of breaking. “Your Uncle’s not doing so well,” Edna proclaimed.
“Gotta watch out for those hemorrhoids.” But O’Neill found a way to
penetrate Edna’s stifling defense. “Excuse me, I have to go to the
bathroom,” O’Neill uttered, escaping while he could. Proud of his
work, O’Neill returned from the bathroom with a cold one and
celebrating two more hours of unadulterated vegging.

Formidable Feast Forces Man To
Unbutton Pants

Yonkers, NY--Following repeated
attempts to resist temptation, Frank Conley finally gave in and
unbuttoned the top button of his pants. The unbuttoning, which
occurred after a massive feast, was unfortunately witnessed by
numerous members of the Conley family. “It was so embarrassing,”
daughter Nicole noted. “Yeah, almost as embarrassing as the fart he
let out,” adds sister Colleen. Some say Conley came unprepared to
conquer three helpings of stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry
sauce, and turkey, but Conley has no regrets. “Hey, I did all I
could. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses before the button
pops off.” But Conley’s critics, Colleen chief among them have a
different idea. “Why couldn’t he just wear sweatpants?”
Unfortunately, Conley was napping and was unable to comment
further.