Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games (17 page)

Sight Of Grandma’s Mashed Potatoes
Leads Newly Trim Grandson To Abandon Diet

Decatur, IL--John Maxwell’s diet,
which spanned seven months and trimmed five inches off his waist
came to an abrupt end yesterday when Maxwell scarfed down four
servings of his Grandmother’s treasured mashed potatoes. “Totally
worth it,” Maxwell declared. “If you knew how creamy they were, you
couldn’t get enough of them either.” Although she seems innocent
enough, this is not the first diet Grandma Maxwell has quashed. “I
lost twenty pounds on one of those carb counting diets a few years
back,” Maxwell recalls “then Grammy offered me her special
brownies. That diet never stood a chance.” But Maxwell was quick to
note he’s jumped back on the diet train “at least for another
month,” Maxwell contends. “Grammy makes some killer Christmas
cookies.”

Daughter Returns Home From College To
Find Bedroom Converted Into Home Gym

Bellevue, WA--Diane Stevenson’s long
awaited return from college was quickly overcome with befuddlement
with Diane’s discovery of her bedrooms conversion into a home gym.
“There’s a treadmill where my beds supposed to be,” Stevenson
declared. “And my dressers been replaced with a weight bench.” But
the last straw was Stevenson’s discovery that her beloved walk in
closet was now the permanent residence of resistance training
equipment. “Where are my shoes?” Stevenson bellowed, near tears.
“This is a tragedy.” But Stevenson’s parents couldn’t disagree
more. “What’s the point of having an empty room? This way I work
out everyday,” Stevenson’s Father notes. Stevenson’s Mother
concurs. “I’ve already gone down tow dress sizes.”

Drunk Uncle’s Grace Leaves Unshakable
Awkward Silence In The Room

San Diego, CA--The
sobering story of Uncle Bill’s alcoholism has a new chapter after
mouthing an unforgettable grace that were he ever sober, he’d
surely regret for the rest of his life. “I haven’t seen him that
drunk since the 4
^th
of July,” sister Janine noted. “It was more
awkward than when my nephew Paul came out of the closet.” After a
mouth full of Bill’s rambling, stammering, and garbling, the table
stayed quiet for what was only two minutes, but seemed like twenty,
before Grandpa Earl finally broke the ice. “The foods not going to
eat itself,” Earl declared “pass the stuffing.” But the damage had
been done, leaving the Watkins clan with a scar they won’t soon
forget. “This ranks right up there with the time he tackled the
Christmas tree,” sister Pauline ruminates. “It’s a good thing we
took his keys away or he’d probably get an DWI.”

Visit To In-Laws Surprisingly Pain
Free

Oklahoma City, OK--The trip to Theresa
Burton’s in-laws, which she had dreaded all year, turned out
yesterday to be decidedly less torturous than she had expected.
“Usually Pete’s family makes life a living hell for me. This time
they only slightly rattled me,” Burton recalls. “It must have been
my apple crisp.” Burton’s delicious homemade apple crisp had in
fact been a treasure for her in-laws taste buds and kept criticism
of Burton for the most part at bay. But Burton knows taste bud
diplomacy has its boundaries. “They’re still whispering behind my
back that I’m not good enough for Pete,” Burton remarks. “They just
aren’t doing it to my face.” Still, the cease fire is on, at least
until Christmas. “I’m sure they’re planning to give me coal in my
stocking,” Burton adds. “That’s ok. I’m coming armed with Christmas
cookies.”

Native Americans Give Thanks For
White’s Casino Misfortunes

Reservation, USA--Four hundred years
after European explorers set foot on and claimed North America as
their own, casino receipts are giving Native Americans reason to
finally give thanks. “Thank God for the white man’s gambling
obsession,” a Tribal Elder remarks. “Thank you for betting the
house and busting.” Indian reservations, most recently a bastion
for tax free cigarettes and small name boxing bouts have been
booming lately thanks to the near endless sprouting of casino
hotels. And White’s have been more than happy to oblige, forking
over sizable sums for deluxe accommodations. “Why give your money
to Vegas,” the Elder inquires “when we’re right down the road with
open arms and eager wallets.”

Family Conversation Centers Around
Woman’s Romantic Ineptitude

Kansas City, KA--Veronica Kimble’s
arrival, sans boyfriend yet another year, sent family members into
a flurry of speculation as to whether she ever get a man. “I don’t
know what she’s doing, but she’s obviously doing it wrong,” remarks
happily married brother Hal. “It’s like she wants to be single.”
But Veronica definitely does not. Her decades long quest for love
has more recently become a labor or love, long on hours, short on
luck. “Where’s my Grandkids?” Kimble’s Mother Evelyn wonders, “I’m
not getting any younger.” But Kimble’s journey has been a perilous
path, fraught with man children and midlife crisis cases, littered
with commitment-phobes and creeps in between, yet Kimble has not
given up hope. “It’s not like I want to be some old cat lady. I’m
just not going to marry someone because my family wants me to get
hitched.”

With only forty-one shopping days
until Christmas, retailers rush out last minute sale

USA--With Christmas a mere six weeks
away, retailers across the country are scrambling to cash in with a
rash of last minute sales. "Is it just me, or is Halloween coming
later every year?" one Retailer inquired. "God, we barely have time
to put out decorations. Jesus, how are we supposed to prepare for a
holiday on scant two months notice?" Retailers everywhere are
frantically stocking their stores with Christmas trees, candy
canes, department Santas readying themselves for crunch time. But
one retailer has a solution to manage the madness. "Why don't we
just more Halloween up to September? That was we can finally give
Christmas the exposure it deserves."

Christmas

Or

It’s the thought that counts. You did
keep that receipt though, right?

All Mom Wants For Christmas Is Sleep
After Being Woken Up At Five AM To Open Presents

Cincinnati, OH--After an unscheduled
five am wake up call by her two kids to open presents, all single
Mother Dana Elster wants for Christmas is sleep. “Wake me up
tomorrow,” Elster proclaims, delirious. “Or better yet, New Years
Eve.” Elster, operating on just two hours of sleep after
frantically wrapping last minute presents is not likely to be
catching z’s anytime soon. “My parents are coming over in two
hours, then I have to drive the kids over to the Father’s, but
maybe after I do dishes I’ll be able to sneak in a quick nap,” adds
Elster while putting finishing touches on the Christmas feast. “Oh
crap. I forgot to put in the mashed potatoes.”

Gift Of Socks Solidifies Aunts Place
In Christmas Hall Of Shame

Omaha, NE--A record setting career of
mediocre gift-giving reached its nadir this year when nephew Bobby
Stoddard received socks for his fifth straight Christmas. “Aunt
Lenore is so lame,” teenager Stoddard remarked. “Her gifts always
suck.” Lenore, who before socks gave out underwear every year, also
is infamous for being that house on the block giving out apple’s at
Halloween. But, she stands behind her presents. “Gadgets and fads
come and go,” Lenore declares “but everyone needs a good clean pair
of sock and underwear.” Stoddard was too busy dying of
embarrassment to comment further.

Girl Furious After Catching Dad
Pilfering Santa’s Milk And Cookies

St. Louis, MO--Six year old Abigail
Munson is still fuming after catching her Father snacking on the
milk and cookies she had carefully laid out for Santa. “I can’t
believe Daddy did that,” Abigail seethes. “He almost got me kicked
off the nice list.” The grizzly incident occurred at 2:15am. As
Abigail exited the bathroom, she heard a rustle, and, assuming it
was Santa, rushed into the living room only to find her dummy Dad
ruining everything. “Santa flew here all the way from the North
Pole. He needed those cookies,” Abigail added. “Besides, what did
my Dad ever do to deserve them--other than use a potty mouth
putting up the Christmas lights?”

Boy Unhappy With Mere $500 Worth Of
Gifts This Year

Dallas, TX--Twelve year old Steve
Joelson’s Christmas fell dangerously short of expectations when his
unrivaled greed yielded a mere $500 worth of gifts this year. “This
is ridiculous. I didn’t even get half the stuff on my list,”
Joelson complains, looking at his huge haul with disdain. “Where’s
the laptop? Where’s the new mp3 player? Where’s the big screen tv?”
But Joelson soon came up with a plan to make up for lost loot. “My
birthdays in four months, I’ll just double up my wish list then,”
Joelson schemes. “No way I let my parents low ball me
again.”

‘Putting Up These F.’ing Lights’ Kills
Mans Holiday Spirit

Portland, OR--Although Robert
Wallace’s holiday season started with cheer to spare, it will not
end that way thanks to the thankless chore of putting up ‘these
f.ing lights.’ “Son of a--” Wallace rants “these Mother f.’ers are
harder to untangle than my garden hose.” The laborious annual
irritation is only made worse by the numerous strands with
inoperable bulbs. “Why the hell do I do this f.’ing crap every
year?” Wallace laments as he tries to uncurl another strand of
bulbs. “Especially when no one appreciates it.” Wallace’s family
meanwhile attempts to ignore his profanity-laced tirades from
ladder top, opting instead to admire the neighbors dazzling display
of decorations. “F. me,” Wallace rants, “I hate these f.’ing
lights.”

Trip To Church Scrapped For Last
Minute Shopping Trip

Tuscon, AZ--The Wilkins once a year
jaunt to Church to honor Christ’s birthday was scrapped in favor of
a last minute shopping trip last night. “I’ve bought all the big
gifts, there’s just a few little knick knacks I need,” Bob Wilkins
declares. Teenage son Paul’s list is less complete. “Dude, I
haven’t even started shopping yet. Hopefully Dad will let me borrow
a few bucks.” Paul’s Mother has a more thrifty approach. “I’m on
the hunt for some real bargains, otherwise those stockings are
going to be pretty lean this year.” Stacey Wilkins is eyeing
something else entirely. “Jimmy Bennings is working the late shift
tonight. He is like so hot. Where’s the mistletoe when you need
it?” The title of the sermon the Wilkins missed in favor of
shopping: The Commercialization Of Christmas.

Mistletoe Kiss Gives Geek False
Illusion Of Woman’s Interest

Battle Creek, MI--The kiss that gamer
geek Glenn Gibbons will cherish for the rest of his life was not
the product of burgeoning attraction, like he’d so desperately
hoped, but in fact the result of well placed mistletoe. “That was
the best kiss of my life,” Gibbons boasts. “Not like I have much of
a frame of reference, but there was definitely something there.”
Colleen Daniels, recipient of the kiss was not so enthusiastic. “I
was on my way to the bathroom and all of a sudden, some weird guys
tongue is in my mouth,” Daniels recalls with horror. “I had to
brush my teeth for ten minutes straight after that.” But Gibbons
would not be so easily deterred. “I invited her to this New Years
party. That way we can get our second kiss at midnight,” Gibbons
boasts. But Daniels could not disagree more. “I’d rather kiss my
dog. That’ll teach me to never walk near mistletoe
again.”

Girl Baffled That Older Brother
Received No Coal In His Stocking

Pensacola, FL--Maureen Patterson’s
faith in traditional holiday lore took a massive hit yesterday when
her total meanie older brother didn’t receive even a mere lump of
coal in his stocking. “This is so unfair,” eight year old Maureen
declared. “Billy’s a total poopie head.” The poopiehead in
question, known for his Charley horses and Indian burns earned his
infamy on noogies, yet has managed to escape the naughty list yet
another year. “Didn’t Santa get my letter? I sent it to the North
Pole months ago,” Maureen adds, still stunned. “Uh oh. Here comes
Billy with a wet willy.”

Retailers Roll Out Plans For New
Christmas In July Sale-abration

New York, NY--After decades of
unprecedented profit hikes during the holiday season, US retailers
have announced plans to capitalize on consumers eagerness to part
with their cash by unveiling a sequel to Jesus‘ birthday--Christmas
2: Christmas in July. “Why keep this money making marvel to just
once a year?” one Retailer inquired, “when you can exploit it for
every dollar it’s worth.” The new summer celebration will again
feature Santa, this time Santa Clark, Clause’s South Pole sibling.
You can expect to see him at a mall near you. “This is going to be
huge,” another Retailer added. “Sequels always make more money than
the original. Nothing will be bigger than this--except maybe number
three--Christmas in April.”

New Years

Or

The promises we have no intention of
keeping