Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games (9 page)

But when Trevor looked over to the
door, he realized he'd been faked out, fifth grader style. By then,
James bull rushed him. A bad ass melee ensued. Punches were thrown,
names were called, and feelings were hurt. Oh yeah, and James
won.

In the melee, Trevor got knocked out,
leaving James to sneak out an open window with the evidence he
needed. Soon James leaked the evidence to the press, and watched on
tv as Trevor and the Vice President were arrested. James meanwhile
sat on a beach in the tropics sipping on a drink with a plastic
umbrella in it, thinking about what new trouble to get into
next.

The End.

The Noble Lawyer vs. The Evil
Corporation (Remarkably Not A Fable)

Damn, it was hard being a noble lawyer
running around and taking down multinational corporations, yet
still managing to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home. Every
once in a while though you just had to serve a wake up platter of
justice a crooked CEO. And Noble Knight was just the improbably
idealistic litigator to do it. He was honest, virtuous, and pro
bono as hell (which in the land of attorneys, meant he was pretty
much a figment of some metaphor-writing authors imagination).
Still, life wasn't all idealism and shining armor for Noble. He had
a nervous bladder and the opposing counsel staring at him peeing
over at the next urinal.

"I'm just going to warn you now to drop
this case," Sleazy Von Nomorals said in the courthouse restroom.
"Otherwise awful things are going to start happening to
you."

"You mean like you standing
uncomfortably close to me as I try to pee?" Noble asked.

"By the way, we have pills for that
sort of problem."

Noble glared a defiantly virtuous
glare. "I'm not going to stop until justice is served--preferably
with scrambles eggs and a side of hash browns."

"You honest little fart. You are a
disgrace to the legal community with your impeccable morals and
gumption. But you've been warned, so if a tiny car filled with
clowns shows up on your doorstep with pies and seltzer bottles, I
suggest you back off this case before it gets real
ugly."

"How ugly?" Noble asked.

"The pharmaceutical company might just
put a life sized cutout of your ex wife on your lawn."

"Oh, you are so evil."

***

"Ladies, gentleman, and sasquatch of
the jury, I am here today to prove that the Crookedashell
Pharmaceutical Company is in no way at fault for one of our
erection pills causing Mr. Dingaling's wang to grow a second penis
that tried to conquer greater Manhattan," Sleazy greasily
explained.

Next it was Noble's turn to state his
case. "My name is Noble Knight, but you may know me from any number
of the soup kitchens I run, or tornado relief efforts I have
spearheaded. Today I am going to prove to you without a doubt that
the Crookedashell company manufactured and distributed pills that
they knew could cause a patient to grow an evil second penis hell
bent on world domination. And the worst part is, they just did it
to make a little bit of money off of the back of American
people."

"Objection, it's an obscene amount of
money they're making. Enough to buy your own chain of private
islands with and go skinny dipping every day," Sleazy
countered.

***

With the opening statements in the
books, things got heated.

"As my first piece of evidence, I would
like to enter this horribly embarrassing middle school yearbook
picture of Mr. Knight in braces and a bowl cut," Sleazy
said.

"Objection," Noble yelled. "Bowl cuts
were very popular for that two week stretch in 1996. Plus, this is
not relevant to the case."

"Noted," Sleazy replied. "Fine, I would
instead like to submit this blue polyester suit pulled directly
from Mr. Knight's closet. And with that, I'd like to say anyone who
would wear this in public is clearly not in the right mental state
to be trying a case."

"Mr. Nomorals," the Judge barked. "I
have a gavel and I'm not afraid to smash it. But the doctor says I
have to keep my blood pressure down, so if you keep making a circus
of my courtroom, I'll subject you to a slideshow of my trip to the
Spokane Arts and Craft-a-thon."

Sleazy looked terrified.

***

"Mr. Dingaling, did you not read the
eight hundred pages of side effects before you started taking our
pill? Because it clearly states right here on page 762 that very
vague yet awful things could happen to your wee wee upon using our
pharmaceuticals," Sleazy explained.

"The warning labels were just so long.
Plus, it was more convoluted than building Swedish furniture,"
Dingaling replied.

"Bet you didn't read your mortgage
either. Or your twenty five page cell phone contract selling your
soul over to the telecommunication Satan’s of the world. So I say,
is it our fault if you didn't get a cataract reading hundreds of
pages of very ominous legal jargon?" Sleazy asked.

"I just wanted to be able to pop a
woody again," Dingaling insisted. "Because of your company I grew a
very bitter second penis that needed amputation."

Sleazy finished up. "You know Mr.
Dingaling, a lot of people would be very happy to have two penises.
But obviously you're just a very ungrateful man."

***

As the case heated up, Noble was
finding that terrible things started happening to him. A set of
stealth mime's toilet papered his house. He started getting
threatening phone calls from rabid raccoons. Then as a last straw
he had to move his family into a ninja retirement home for security
reasons.

But Noble wasn't about to drop the
case. He couldn't let long arm of big business suffocate the
indomitable American spirit. Besides, a guy had to have a penis
amputated--that could not go unprosecuted. So when time came for
closing arguments, Noble was ready with gusto to spare.

***

"It is a God given American right to
want the biggest boner science can give you," Sleazy argued. "And
if one poor schmuck happens to have problems with his junk the rest
of his life, do you really want to ruin thirty second sex for the
rest of the horny men in America?"

Sleazy’s speech was rousingly immoral.
But it was nothing compared to the crap Noble was about to pull out
of his ass.

"I had a noble speech planned," Noble
explained. "But then I scrapped it, for an even more noble one.
This isn't about one man's penis problem. This is about big
business kicking us in the nuts every single of our lives. And this
is your chance to kick right back. So let's grab life by the balls.
Let's tell the nad crushers of the world that we aren't afraid.
That we're going to stand up for what's right. That the American
people deserve better. And that we won't settle for anything
less."

One small slow golf clap started at the
back of the courtroom. That led to more clapping. Then man got up
to cheer. Finally, the entire courtroom got up with rousing
applause. Sure it was hokey, but damn did it pull at everyone's
heartstrings.

***

"So, you won again Noble. Just one down
home lawyer against a team of legal skeezoids," Sleazy admitted in
defeat.

"You see Sleazy, you'll find that good
always triumphs in the end," Noble remarked.

"You really don't read the news much,
do you?" Sleazy asked.

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to excuse
me. I have a kitten to save from a tree," Noble said, running
headfirst into certain danger.

The End.

The Future Sucks (Even With
Aliens)

"Who would've thought the future could
blow this much?" Stardepressed bemoaned, looking at a dystopian
landfill of a city at the fringes of the universe.

"Go figure. Spaceships, flying cars,
and teleporters don't fix everything in society," Spacebummer
replied, looking at the once sleek city that had been reduced to a
cesspool.

"Maybe it's humanity that's the
problem," Stardepressed continued.

"There you go, talking like a
cautionary tale again," Spacebummer added. "To be fair to your
point though, aliens did try and turn us into space
mulch."

"Right. Because society never had any
problems until the Zerkathians came with vaporizers blazing. Hey,
remember when we invented robots to do everything for us but wipe
our asses?"

"Your bot didn't wipe your ass for
you?" Spacebummer added, completely missing the point. "Though we
probably shouldn't have made those robots stronger than a herd of
stampeding rhinos."

"Well, if it isn't robots or aliens
getting us down, it's the autocratic government."

"Who knew bureaucracy could be such a
bitch?"

"Maybe all those naysayers about the
perils of too much technology were right?"

"Or maybe you've just been through too
many intergalactic wars."

"You know what, I'm tired of moping and
bitching about wildly repressive future governments. Let's time
travel."

***

"It turns out there's plenty of wildly
repressive governments in the past as well," Stardepressed said,
having time traveled to an alternate medieval style Europe
populated by orcs, dragons, elves, and immensely questionable
hygiene.

"I don't get the big deal with suits of
armor. I'm sweating like a sumo wrestler in a sauna here,"
Spacebummer said.

"Damn, that B.O. could knock out a
small village. Take thee to a bath, dude."

"Are you kidding? No one bathes around
here. I mean hell, I just pooped into a hole. Welcome to the Middle
Ages."

"Yeah. The past is pretty different.
Those castles are drafty. Not to mention wicked dark and infested
with rats. There's lots of parables around these parts
though."

"Yeah. Like maybe we really never learn
from the past."

"Uh dude, we're in the
past."

"I mean in the future we never learned
from this past." Spacebummer furrowed his brow. "You know what?
Let's just go kill something."

***

"Damn, these revolutions are hard work.
I should could use a kung fu robot to do this fighting for me, even
if the cyber bugger did try to turn on my later," Spacebummer said,
after an epic bloody battle.

"Don't get me wrong," Stardepressed
insisted. "Putting some dead orc heads on spigots makes my inner
geek all warm and tingly, but what good does it do to conquer an
evil army of green dudes only to have some British and French
dickward tyrant treating you like you're nothing more than human
collateral?"

"That might be a little too much moral
intrigue to process considering I almost had my nut sack impaled by
a spear only ten minutes ago."

"Well, I say we go to the tavern, knock
back some ol ye pints, then start the enlightenment era a few
hundreds years early," Stardepressed insisted.

"I'm definitely down for getting
blitzed. I'm going to need as much booze in my system when the
Bubonic plague rolls through town."

"Spacebummer, stop being so
nearsighted. You ever think maybe the whole point of our highly
improbably journey is to prove that even two poor little space
dudes like us can make a difference in the world if we try hard
enough? That maybe we're supposed to lead these medieval schmo's to
true freedom."

Stardepressed sighed the sigh of a man
who had serious time travel jet lag and had no barf bag to show for
it. "Fine. We'll lead a revolution. But I'm going to need some
nookie from a buxom wench soon or my dick is going to fall
off."

The End.

Zombies Ate My In Laws

What better place for the apocalypse
than at your in laws family reunion? Of course, the appetite for
chili went straight out the window when people's brains started
getting splattered. To be fair, Schlub McOrdinary did try to save
his mother in law to the very end, even though she hated his guts.
And what did Schlub get for his failed valiant efforts? Abject
mockery.

"I told you that you'd never be good at
anything. You can't even save me in time, you dumb schmuck," Bornto
Criticize said, writhing with her guts spewed out as Schlub arrived
just a hair too late with his pick axe.

Schlub was also a smidge behind in
coming to Mr. Criticize's aid as well. "I knew my little Princess
should have married that doctor. He could have fixed me up no
matter how many limbs those pesky zombies ripped off."

And like that, Iloveto Criticize kicked
the bucket as well. Schlub had managed to save his girlfriend
though, Toogoodto Criticize. So Schlub fought off the undead hordes
with every shovel, rake, and nine iron he found in the backyard
until he reached Toogoodto, who he'd safely kept from danger in her
childhood bedroom.

The couple were soon on the run, and
much to Schlub's chagrin, without any of the family reunion cake
he'd been promised. Yup, it had been a pretty lousy apocalypse all
the way around. But that's what happened when zombies started
rising from the dead while you were on the pooper. Schlub had the
unfortunate displeasure of fighting off the first zombie while his
pants were around his ankles. And things had only gotten crappier
since.