Feels Like Home (22 page)

He shook his head. ‘Oh, Jo.'

‘Think about it, Ryan, before you dismiss the idea. What have we got to lose? We're already both miserable. We know how we feel about each other and we know we can't be together despite that. I don't see how giving in to our desire will make that any worse. In fact, I think it will help. At least we can look back on this time we have together with fondness. Maybe being together and living the moment will give us the closure we both need to move on with our lives.'

Her features were soft in the moonlight, giving her an aura of fragility. As she spoke of giving in to desire he fought back an overwhelming urge to take her in his arms then and there. Was she right about closure? Would being together for a handful of days be enough to heal the gaping wound the two of them had created? ‘I don't know. As much as I want you, Joey, I'm afraid my heart won't stand up to having you and losing you again.'

‘Do you honestly think we could feel any worse than we do right now?'

Maybe she had a point. The past couple of weeks had been torture. And there was no end to that in sight while she remained in Linden Gully. Even when he couldn't physically see her, the knowledge that she was there — in his town, sleeping in a bed just up the road from his own — was driving him batshit crazy.

What difference would it make if they spent the time together, making up for lost time, creating some memories to hang on to when they were forced to part? Surely that was better than denying their feelings and avoiding each other?

He was justifying his actions to himself, but so the fuck what? This was the woman he loved. In a week she would be gone and he would be miserable. Why the hell should he be miserable right now?

As he pulled her towards him he knew they were playing a dangerous game but he no longer cared.

CHAPTER

21

The second she felt Ryan's lips on hers Jo knew there was no going back. There was an urgency in his kiss but it was more than that. It was capitulation. This was different to when they'd kissed in the car. Then he'd been holding back. He wanted her but she sensed his fear. Not any more. With each touch of his lips, each caress of her skin, he was giving himself to her. He was surrendering to a force greater than both of them. Jo knew that this time Ryan would not back away.

‘Come here,' he whispered, leading her away from the path that led to the shed, and into the lemon grove, which was far more private. Before she had time to speak he was kissing her again, his lips moving from her mouth to her neck and back again. She gasped as he lifted her hair and kissed the nape of her neck. Her audible appreciation elicited a low chuckle from Ryan. ‘You still like that?' he whispered.

She let a small moan of approval as his lips returned to her skin, now working their way from her neck to her décolletage. She shrugged off her denim jacket, heat flooding her body despite the chill in the air. She pressed herself against him and quickly discovered his desire matched her own.

This. This was love. It was the total, all-consuming, real deal. She'd tried to stop it, to avoid it, to pretend it didn't exist. But she couldn't. The power of what she felt for Ryan, what they felt for each other, couldn't be contained. The only way to circumvent it was absence. While ever they were near each other their desire would overpower everything else. It was totally different to the sensible, suitable, appropriate arrangement she'd had with Zach. It made no sense and it couldn't last, but it was real.

Champagne and all this emotion didn't mix well. Jo felt her legs buckle beneath her. She was saved by Ryan's embrace; his strong arms quickly moved to encircle her waist, steadying her.

‘Hey, are you okay?'

She rested her head on his chest and nodded. ‘I'm fine. It's just the bubbly.'
And my heart beating double time.

‘Jo,' he whispered. ‘It's impossible to be near you without wanting to touch you, to hold you, but —'

‘No!' Jo shifted her weight so she could look at his face. ‘Don't say you can't do this or that it's a mistake. I can't take any more of this “yes, no, maybe” crap. It's obvious we can't stay away from each other. I need you, Ryan. I need to get whatever the hell this is out of my system. Don't worry, I know there's no happily ever after for us. That's not what this is. It's not about the future, it's about making amends for the past. I need closure, Ryan, and I think you do too.'

‘Whoa. Steady on. Who said anything about a mistake? I was just going to say I don't think it's a good idea to pursue
closure
right here. What if Jenny or one of the others sees us? Someone's bound to come along any minute now.'

‘There's plenty of more private places around here.'

‘We're not teenagers anymore. I don't want to scramble around in the bushes. I want to make love to you properly. In a bed. With the lights on.'

She pressed her cheek against his chest. ‘That sounds nice.'

‘Right now I think we should get back to the party. It won't be long before we're missed and I don't want to set tongues wagging.'

Jo laughed. ‘Let them talk.'

Ryan pulled back just a fraction. ‘I'm serious. I don't want people getting the wrong idea about us. I have Ella to think about.'

She nodded. He was right. It wouldn't do either of them any good to have the town gossips on their case. ‘Okay. But promise me you're not going to change your mind.'

In response he pressed his lips against hers and kissed her slowly, reigniting the heat in her lower belly.

After a moment he pulled away. ‘What was that?'

‘What?' she asked.

‘I heard something. Sounded like someone walking through the bushes over there.'

Jo turned to look in the direction Ryan indicated but could see nothing out of the ordinary. ‘You're jumping at shadows. It was probably just a possum or maybe a rabbit.'

‘Maybe. Come on. Let's go down to the shed before someone misses us.'

Jo grasped hold of his hand. ‘Tell me you're not chickening out? It has to be tonight, Ryan, I can't bear to wait any longer.'

He nodded. ‘After the party. Mum has Ella for the night so I can come home with you if you like. You'll have to drive me back early in the morning, if that's okay?'

‘Of course. What about Bob? Won't he suspect something's going on if we both get off the bus at Yarrapinga?'

‘Bob's not one to gossip. He'll keep his thoughts to himself.'

‘If you say so.'

‘Okay, sounds like a plan then. Now, we'd better retrieve the Esky and get that food down to the shed pronto. Jenny will have my hide if it's not down there soon.'

Jo sighed. The thought of prising herself away from Ryan wasn't one she relished, but he was right. If they were absent from the party for much longer questions would be asked. At least she didn't feel quite so tipsy now. ‘I think I'd better start performing my chief bridesmaid's duties a bit more proficiently. Right now I seem to be letting the side down.'

Ryan stroked her hair. ‘I think we'd better give each other a wide berth for the rest of the evening.' His hand moved from her hair and he trailed a finger down her spine.

Jo's skin tingled with delicious anticipation as he hand came to rest at her waist. He pulled her close again and kissed her.

‘You're not making much of a case for avoidance,' she said.

‘It's unbearable being close to you and not being able to touch you. I'd prefer to keep my distance until we're free to do whatever we want.'

Jo laughed. ‘I was only teasing. Let's get this food sorted and then go our separate ways.

‘Here's something to think about while you're playing the perfect bridesmaid.' He nuzzled her neck, trailing kisses from her earlobe to her collarbone.

Jo shivered involuntarily before giving him a gentle shove. ‘Stop it. We're never going to get back to the party at this rate.'

He laughed and let her go.

Somehow Ryan managed to get through the small talk and dodge the endless appeals from his mates to ‘just have one beer', and he even succeeded in making a half-decent toast to the bride- and groom-to-be. But all the time his mind was elsewhere. Part of him couldn't wait for the party to end so he could finally get Joey alone and bring to life the fantasy scenes that regularly invaded his dreams. But there was hesitation there too.

It was true that they couldn't seem to stay away from each other, and true that they both needed to resolve their feelings for each other before they could move on. Was a fling really going to fix anything? Or was it just asking for trouble?

There was no point in kidding himself that it was just sex. It could never be that, not with her. But it couldn't make anything worse than it already was. He'd tried to stay away from her, tried to protect his heart, but the fact was it was too late. The moment he'd seen her walking towards him at the footy ground his carefully constructed life had come crashing down around him. There was no protecting himself from what he felt for her. He loved her. He would always love her. If he couldn't have her forever wasn't it fair enough to enjoy the time they did have? When she left he would be shattered, but eventually his life would slide back into the gentle rhythm he was accustomed to. Last time he'd been so angry it had crippled him. Maybe this time the memory of what they'd shared would ease the pain of losing her.

‘What's up with you, princess?' Nate said, slapping him on the back. ‘We're supposed to be partying and you look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.'

‘Just thinking about a few things I need to take care of.'

‘Well, stop thinking. It's time to rock'n'roll.'

Ryan laughed. ‘Rock'n'roll? Jesus, mate, that's a bit retro isn't it? How many have you had?'

‘Come on. Grab your guitar. It's time to give the people what they want.'

*

Jo had just returned another empty platter to the house when Steph came running towards her. ‘Hurry up,' Steph said breathlessly, ‘or you'll miss it.'

‘Miss what?'

‘The boys have got the band back together. They've been rehearsing for months. They're going to play.'

‘Are you serious?'

‘Deadly.'

Jo had briefly wondered about the raised platform at the back of the shed when they were setting up for the party. Nate had been vague, saying only that it might come in handy for ‘speeches and stuff'. She had put it down to Nate being a bloke and not knowing too much about organising a party. Now she realised he'd had a big plan all along.

The band had started when Nate and Ryan were in Year Eleven as part of a school music project. Jo remembered Steph joking that Nate thought he was going to be the next Dave Grohl, but in reality they were never very good. Ryan sang lead vocals and Nate played the guitar. Max was the bass guitarist and they'd had a couple of different drummers over the years. Ryan could sing well enough and Nate played a mean guitar, but they'd always spent more time mucking around and laughing than doing any serious rehearsal. They'd given the whole thing away by the end of Year Twelve.

But now here they were. Jo couldn't stop herself from grinning. This was likely to be hysterical.

Without any formal introduction Nate struck the first chord and a cheer went up around the shed. They launched into an enthusiastic rendition of John Mellencamp's ‘Small Town' and had the whole party up singing and dancing within minutes.

Jo laughed and turned to Steph. ‘Maybe it's the bubbly talking but they're better than I remembered them being.'

Steph nodded. ‘They've practised a lot, particularly over summer. Once footy season started they slowed up a bit, but they're still getting together and jamming as often as they can.'

‘Really? I'm surprised. What's brought all this on?'

Steph shrugged. ‘Ryan was still pretty low when he first came home. Nate was racking his brain trying to think of things that might help him climb back out of the hole. He tried cricket, but it was too hard for Ryan to commit to training, you know, with Ella and also setting up the practice. Then Nate came up with the idea of the band. Ryan wasn't too keen at first but eventually Nate talked him round. Now look at him.'

Ryan certainly seemed to be enjoying himself. He was belting out the lyrics and pumping a fist in the air. Jo grinned at this unbridled display of joy. It took her back to a happier time, when they were free to be with each other without complications.

Tonight, at Yarrapinga, she planned to celebrate all that was good about their past and finally replace their unhappy ending with a happy one. If they couldn't have happily ever after, they at least deserved to have some happiness right now.

CHAPTER

22

Ryan was having a ball. He'd forgotten how much fun it was to play in front of a real live audience. And they could hardly have asked for a more appreciative crowd. The band was never going to produce any hit records or go on any world tours but that didn't stop their friends and family from singing along and dancing like crazy as they played. At the end of each song they were met with rapturous applause and he had to admit it felt damn good.

Joey was right up the front near the stage. He'd watched Steph drag her there halfway through their first number. She was smiling up at him, singing along and dancing like she was having the time of her life. This night was turning out a whole lot better than he'd expected. He'd imagined the evening as something to be endured, an event where he'd have to carefully avoid her or, even worse, exchange awkward pleasantries for the sake of the bride and groom. But instead here he was having the most fun he'd had in ages and she was looking up at him without a trace of pity in her eyes.

And later?