Feeling This (30 page)

He whispers into my ear, “Kimber, I really
do want to take care of you. I have no intention of ever leaving you so I think
I need to find a more permanent place to live. What do you think?”

I pull away quickly grasping his shoulders,
“You’re staying? You don’t want to go back home? What about your family?”

He takes a step back and stares at me, “I
want to be here. There is nothing for me there.”

I nod, knowing it is still hard for him. I
have to keep this in mind. He went through one of the worst things to ever
happen to a person, someone he loves, died. When Momma goes, I will be heart
broken. I can sympathize with him.

I pull his hand toward the narrow
restaurant. He follows, not speaking again. We place our order at the counter
for a large cheese pizza and find a booth. He slides in one side and I slide in
beside him holding his hand under the table. A minute later, his phone rings.
He pulls it out glancing at the screen. His eyes look over at me as he places
it to his ear uttering the words, “Hi Mom.”

My heart beats double time, afraid that
this call will make him leave me. God, I have to get this under control. He
said he isn’t going to leave me. I need to believe him. I listen to his side of
the conversation.

“Yes, Mom. No, I’m not coming home.”

He pauses then takes a deep breath, while
running his hand through his hair and seeming to relent replying, “I didn’t
realize.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea if I go, Mom.

His eyes turn from me averting to the
window he’s sitting beside. His voice finally turns soft and he says, “Okay,
I’ll see you then. Yes, I’ll call Dave.”

He hangs up looking sullen. I squeeze his
hand which is still holding mine. He releases my hand, resting both of his on
the table. He stares forward, avoiding my gaze and I know, my happiness was
fleeting, it’s about to end, like it always does. I want to run out and escape
hearing the bad news that he is about to break to me but I stay because a tiny
ray of hope still resonates within me.

“Kimber, I have to go home this weekend.”

My heart falls, I knew it. I push to get
out of the booth but he grabs my hand holding me in place. He turns to look at
me, “I have to go back, because one of my oldest friends is getting married.”

A wash of relief runs through me. Just a
wedding, he’ll be back, I tell myself.

Our pizza arrives. Once we both have a
slice in front of us and the server has gone he continues, “Dave is marrying
Bree, Susan’s best friend.”

He waits a moment and finishes, “I have to
go because I committed to be his best man. I’ve been a terrible friend lately;
this is the least I can do.”

I lean over and take a bite of my pizza
letting his words settle. Okay, I can handle this. It’s not the end of the
world. In fact, I’m glad he is supporting his friend. I chew until he tells me
the last bit.

“Kimber, I want you to come with me.”

I stop chewing and sit statuesque for a
minute, then my head starts shaking rigorously. No, I can’t go to his home, not
where he loved someone else. Not away from Momma.

“Jordan, I can’t leave Momma. She needs
someone to watch her and I’m all she has.”

His eyes plead with me and I feel like such
a bitch but I don’t say anything.

He brings my hand up to his lips and
mumbles, “I need you to come with me. I don’t think I can do this alone.”

My heart stops for a moment and speeds up
double time. I can’t tell him no, not when he asks me like that. I ask in a
choked voice, “What about Momma?”

“Do you trust me Kimber?” He stares,
unblinking.

I nod positive that I trust him so implicitly
already, which scares me but at the same time releases so much tension, if that
is even possible. He lets my hand go setting it on the table and encourages,
“Eat your pizza, I promised I’d fatten you up.”

Jordan

Although this is still so new to both Kimber
and I, it was obvious from the moment I introduced myself to her that she is a
guarded person. As I’ve gotten to know her more and more, she’s proven that to
be true. I now understand where it comes from. She’s had a rough life and there
is nothing I want more in this moment than to take away her burdens and let her
live freely.

I saw a hint of the tension lift when she
woke up from the hospital chair and saw that her mom would be fine without her
for the night. It’s as if her face smoothed over when Ms. Maguire gave her
blessing for me to take Kimber home. It lasted about forty more minutes after
that and I caused it all to come crashing back down on both of us. The minute
my phone rang, I had a feeling but I couldn’t ignore things at home any longer.

I answered, watching fear and confusion
cross over Kimber’s face. Then, after I hung up with my mom completely filled
with misery, I knew I would place the burden right back on her. Every word that
came out of my mouth after I hung up, I regretted but knew there was no
alternative. As selfish of me as it is, I can’t go back without her. I asked
her to trust me and she agreed. I’ve decided that she is my life now…

“Jordan, Jordan, are you okay?” Kimber’s
worried voice breaks through to me.

I slowly look over at her and smile. She
looks worried but she’s eating which is good.

“I just realized something.” My words are
broken.

She lifts her half eaten piece of pizza and
asks, “What did you realize?”

As she chews I notice a drop of sauce on
the corner of her lip. I lean over and carefully lick it off and mumble, “That
you are my life now. That is why you have to go with me.”

As she finishes chewing and wipes her mouth,
she glances up into my eyes unsure and searching for something.

I explain, “Susan was my life for a long
time. That’s how I thought of her. When she died, I thought everything died
along with her. But it didn’t, you are my life now.

She smirks, moving closer to me. Mere inches
from kissing she stops and runs her hand through my hair. Her warm breath
caresses my lips as she speaks, “Jordan, your life is your own, but if you wake
up every morning thinking of me, if I am what helps you face each day, I will
happily be your life.”

A tear runs down her cheek but she quickly
wipes it away. I kiss her full lips tasting remnants of pizza. Now I just need
to confront my old life without completely losing it.

When we finish dinner, we drive back to my motel.
We’ve decided to put my hunt for a new place to live on hold until we get back
from Dallas. I tried to take her back to her house where she would be more
comfortable but she refused. There are still things about both of us that we
are holding back. I can only hope that time will help us both in healing and
trusting.

When we got to the motel we slowly
undressed each other and made love long into the night as if each and every
moment was going to be the last. Neither of us has professed our love yet. The
timing just isn’t right.

The next morning, I call the hospital to
find out about getting a home health care nurse to come and take care of
Kimber’s mom. We arrange for almost around the clock care. After that I call
the Bruins and explain that we both need to go out of town for a few days. Mrs.
Bruin agrees to visit Ms. Maguire while we are gone to check on her. I am sure
of my plan but when I tell Kimber, she pretty much loses it.

“Jordan, Momma is not going to go for a
nurse in her house. And on top of that, how in the hell am I going to pay for
it?”

I explain carefully to her, “It’s going to
work out, I promise. Your mom will be okay with it and I will cover the costs.”

She adamantly refuses but I quiet her with
a kiss that won’t allow her any more protests. We end up back in bed halfway
naked when her phone rings through the room. She jumps up hurrying to snatch it
up, “Momma, are you okay?”

I hear only her end of the conversation but
I check my watch and know exactly why she’s calling. I might have lost some
brownie points with her mom.

“Yes, Momma, I know it’s 8:30.” She glares
at me while I get up and head for the bathroom.

“We’ll be there in thirty minutes. Yes,
Momma.”

I poke my head around the corner and ask
through my toothbrush, “Was it that bad?”

She rolls her eyes, “Jordan, you don’t know
bad
with her. If you stick around long enough, I’m sure you’ll get the
full experience.”

Once I rinse my mouth out, I turn around
blocking her view into the mirror. I grab her hips, pulling her flush to my
body. My serious gaze meets her worried one.

“Kimber, I will try forever to convince you
that I am not going anywhere.”

She shakes her head looking away. I frown,
putting my finger under her chin to guide her eyes up to mine, “I mean it. You
and me, we need each other, remember?”

She nods uneasily and backs away. I’m
frustrated at her sudden withdrawal. She seems so unsure now. At some point she
will have to trust me and everything I tell her. At least I hope.

***

We stroll into Ms. Maguire’s hospital room
to find her napping. A short, stocky nurse walks in after us and tells Kimber,
“Ms. Maguire, the doctor checked on your mom this morning and she has decided
that you can take her home today. We just need to go over these discharge instructions
and then she can leave with you this afternoon.”

Once the instructions have been given and
I’m back from making final plans for the home health care nurse, Mrs. Maguire
wakes up. She starts yelling at Kimber as soon as she opens her eyes, “Well,
when I told you to leave and eat, I didn’t think I’d have to call you to get
you to come back. Is that what this is, you got yerself a man and you leave me
to rot?”

Kimber sinks to the bed beside her mom and
pleads, “Momma, you know that’s not the truth. You told me to go home and to
eat something.”

“Well I thought you’d keep yer word. Maybe
yer just like Jenna and
him
. You’ll leave me eventually too.”

Kimber glances over at me silently
pleading. I know what she is saying with her eyes but I can’t bear going back
by myself. I shake my head and look away.

Kimber’s voice takes on an angry tone,
“Momma, you know I won’t leave you. I’m here and there is no reason for you to
even think that.”

I hear her take a deep breath and as she
says the next words I turn my head to stare at her surprised by her
proclamation.

“Momma, Jordan has to go back to Dallas,
where he’s from. I need to go with him. It’s only for a few days and then we
will be right back.”

She stops to let it sink in before
continuing.

“A nurse will be coming in to help you and
Mrs. Bruin will be stopping by to check on you.”

As Kimber stares at her unblinking I watch
her mom look away without uttering another word.  Kimber glances over at me and
smiles slightly at her fleeting victory. That’s my girl, small steps.

Kimber