Feeling This (25 page)

Jordan

I drive to the motel in the evening after
the alcohol from last night wears off. My mom was severely upset that I was
leaving so soon but I have no reason to be there anymore.  My place is
somewhere else as I remember the night with Kimber. It wasn’t something that I
planned but now that it happened I’m sure it wasn’t just a one night fling.
When she’s around, I forget about things. She’s a bright light when everything
else is darkened. I need that bright light and I need to somehow prove that I
am worthy of her to forgive me.

When I enter the Ugly Duckling, a high
shrilled voice calls out, “Oh man, there he is now, speak of the devil.”

I know it’s Heidi calling out and I’m
convinced she’s talking about me. I make my way over to the bar and lean in
next to her. She eyes me curiously waving her hand around, “You’re in trouble
big boy. By the way, where have you been?”

I slide into the stool and shake my head
while searching the room for Kimber. Derek comes into my line of vision telling
me, “It’s not a good idea dude. She doesn’t want to see you.”

I take a deep breath and explain, “It was a
misunderstanding. Can you just get her so I can explain?”

Heidi starts laughing next to me. I turn to
glare at her and she laughs harder. “Have you learned nothing about Kimber
since you’ve been here? She holds grudges and you are the recipient of one
right now. It’s probably best you head out and go to bed. Maybe try again
tomorrow.”

I cross my arms over my chest and lean back
in the stool. Derek turns the other way and Heidi starts talking to another
girl on her other side of her. I notice it’s the same girl that gave me
Kimber’s phone number. This brings to mind her phone. I pull my phone out to
call her. She answers on the first ring and starts before I can say anything,
”Jordan, go home. I don’t want to see you.”

She sounds as if she’s been crying and her
words echo. I shift in my chair looking to see where the bathroom is while I
plead with her, “Please Kimber, let me explain.”

I get up and start walking toward the
bathrooms. She sniffles and hisses, “No, I don’t want to see you. Go home so I
don’t lose my job.”

A few more steps and I’m at the women’s bathroom
door. Before I enter, I tell her, “I’m not going anywhere so you should come
out and face me.”

Exasperation colors her words, “Why can’t
you just go?”

She stops and glances over as I enter the
room. She lowers the phone and hits end. Her eyes are red –rimmed. It breaks my
heart that I am the one that made them that way. Standing here staring at her
with her hair a mess and her mascara running down her cheeks as tears trickle
down, I make my decision. I can’t hurt her again. I can’t
let
her get
hurt again. Something within me moves out of the darkness at the sight of her.
I move forward and pull her into my arms. She tries to push away but gives up
after a minute. Her body seems to fall into me as if out of energy. I hold her
tighter as she nuzzles my neck and cries quietly. After a few minutes I pull
away and wipe the streaks from her cheeks while gazing into her eyes.

 I confess firmly, “I will tell you
everything.  It’s going to be tough but I don’t want to lose you.”

She looks doe-eyed into my stare and
Derek’s words ring through my head, smitten. Yes I am smitten with this woman.

I finally coax her out of the bathroom.
When we enter the bar Heidi stands up on her stool and starts clapping. Kimber
looks up shooting a death glare at her.

She exclaims, “Well excuse me. Isn’t that
what’s supposed to happen when the guy follows you into the bathroom and gets
you to come out? It happens in the movies that way. Whatever, you people are no
fun.” She climbs down and turns her attention elsewhere for the moment.

I follow Kimber through the back of the
building out a side door that opens up to a small alley between the Ugly
Duckling and a building that houses a veterinarian. The narrow space has a
dumpster on one end and boxes stacked against the side of the building on the
other. She grabs my hand and pulls me across the alley. She leans against the other
building looking up into my eyes, and divulges with passion, “Jordan, the other
night was incredible. I don’t do that, ever.”

I lower my face to hers before she can say
anything else. She kisses me hungrily when my lips meet hers. I raise both of
my hands and rest them gently on her cheeks. When we pull away breathless, I whisper,
“This is more than that night we spent together. I need you. When I came here I
was in a very dark place. You’ve pulled me away from that dark as if you are a
beacon of light guiding me to a safer place.”

She melts into me and tears stream down her
face once again. I pull away, “Hey, don’t cry, I mean it. I know we can survive
without each other but I don’t know that I want to.”

Her hand rests on my cheek and she tells
me, “Jordan Rhodes, I want this so bad but I’m scared. Can you help me to not
be afraid?” I nod as a lump rises in my throat.

Kimber

A half hour into my shift, Heidi called out,
announcing Jordan’s entrance. I rushed to the bathroom determined to stay there
as long as I had to. What I hadn’t planned on was him seeking me out.

When he walked in I was pissed. Before I
had a chance to react though, he pulled me into a tight embrace. I tried to get
away but he wouldn’t let go so I gave up and the waterworks started. He
tenderly wiped away my tears and told me, “I will tell you everything.  It’s
going to be tough but I don’t want to lose you.”

Those words were like music to my ears. But
I wonder what could be so horrible that he would walk away rather than talk
about it? He leads me out of the bathroom to Heidi’s cheering and some shit
about the way it is in the movies. She has some nerve. I know she blabbed her
mouth around town because Jenna called me today to give me hell about Jordan.
Word spreads around this place like wild fire. My best friend needs to reel
herself in.

I pull Jordan through the side door into
the alley. It’s smelly and dirty but it provides privacy. I lean against the
wall on the other side and tell him trying not to let any more tears fall, “Jordan
last night was incredible but I don’t do that, ever.” 

This is something he needs to know. I don’t
sleep with just anyone. Before I can elaborate though, he kisses me and I savor
the taste of him, deepening the kiss. How did I let this happen? My feelings
for him are like a puddle spread out before me that keeps spreading and I can’t
pull it back. It’s as if it snuck up on me and overtook me. Now that I’ve made
that step forward, I can’t turn back.

He breaks our connection and whispers,
“This is more than the other night. I need you. When I came here I was in a
very dark place. You’ve pulled me away from that dark as if you are a beacon of
light guiding me to a safer place.”

His words render me senseless and the tears
start again. He pulls back quickly and utters, “Hey, don’t cry, I mean it. I
know we can survive without each other but I don’t know that I want to.”

I move my hand up to his cheek and tell
him, “Jordan Rhodes, I want this so bad but I’m scared. Can you help me to not
be afraid?”

He takes a breath and nods. His forehead
rests against mine. The feelings inside me for this man scare me half to death
but I don’t want to run away anymore. For the first time in my life, I want to
stay, as long as he is here with me. I back away and look up into his eyes and
ask him, “Can I come to your motel after work tonight?”

His eyes light up as he leans in closer,
“I’d have it no other way,” and he kisses me softly.

When we part, I grab his hand, squeezing
tightly before letting go to turn back toward the Duck and the hours that I
know will stretch out into forever.

He calls out, “Kimber?”

I look back and his face is serious. He
confides, “I’m going to explain everything to you tonight.”

I nod, smiling. He doesn’t smile back. It’s
almost as if a pain just shot through him, sorrow takes over his features. I
wonder what could be so horrible to create so much grief.

He doesn’t follow me back into the bar, nor
does he come in all night. Heidi is still here when I walk back behind the
counter. She has a smirk on her face as she demands, “Alright fess up. I didn’t
hang around here for the company. I need juicy details, all of them.”

My frustration at her rises but I decide
she’s just Heidi. I try to smile and play along. I love her to pieces but some
of the crap she does is unbelievable.

“I’m not kissing and telling.” I tease.

“Come on Kimber.” She glances over at Derek
who isn’t looking at us but I know he’s listening. He has nothing better to do.
It’s pretty dead in here.

“Hey Derek, you wanna hear the deets too,
don’t you? Tell her. You are, after all, the one who told her to go after him
last night.”

I look at him incredulously. Can no one
around here keep their fucking mouth closed? He looks up innocently and gestures
to himself as if he wasn’t just listening. He looks away quickly when he spots
my glare.

She laughs, “Come on, you were just telling
me how guilty you would feel if it doesn’t work out with them because you told
her to follow him.”

I spin around, not wanting to hear any
more. Apparently my business is everybody’s business.

“Aww Kimber, don’t get mad. Nothing worthwhile
ever happens in this place. You’re smack in the middle of a real life romantic
story, right out of the pages of one of those smut books my momma reads.”

I concentrate on washing out mugs at the
sink and not Heidi’s constant badgering. I get through a few then Derek asks,
“Can you just tell us if everything is okay? I feel real bad for pushing you if
it isn’t.”

I look up, meeting his stare and smile
nodding, “Everything is fine.”

He nods in acknowledgement and Heidi calls
out, “Hallelujah, Kimber’s got a boy toy!”

I shake my head at her and continue to
ignore her banter.

When my watch reads 12:00, Derek tells me
to leave. I don’t have to be told twice. Rushing to my car, I check my phone
for messages. The first is from Jordan, telling me that he looks forward to
tonight. The other text is from Heidi with a picture of a hot guy and her
caption below it, ‘Don’t do anybody I wouldn’t do. The sky is the limit in that
case. Have fun tonight.’ God she is so crass.

 I text Jordan letting him know I’m on my
way and hop into the car, leaning forward to run my hand along the dash. I tell
my little car, “You can do it baby. I know you can.”

I think the car will be alright for a while
thanks to the new battery and Jordan. Five minutes later, I turn into the
parking lot of the motel and find a space next to his car. When I get out, I
spot him standing in the doorway of his room. He is so gorgeous. His jeans are
slung low with a dark grey t shirt hugging his upper body.

 I worry briefly about the motel though. My
heart skips a beat as my mind wanders.  If he hasn’t gotten a more permanent
living arrangement, maybe he isn’t planning on staying. This thought forms a
rock in my stomach. I know we have to talk tonight and get everything out in
the open and I’m going to have to share some things that I would rather not.

As I walk towards him I notice his features
still display that sadness I saw earlier. He greets me when I’m close enough
with a quick kiss mumbling, ”Thank you for coming.”

He turns back into the room, holding the
door to let me pass through. I spin around uneasily and explain, “Jordan, I
think we both have some things to say. I think we should get everything out in
the open.”

He takes a step forward, peering down at
me, “I think you’re right.” He stops for a minute and stares, taking in my
face,” but you need to hear what I have to say. If you want to tell me things
after that, you can.”

I take a step back, lowering myself into
the chair by the window. The vinyl cushion sinks as I move to perch on the
edge. He turns away from me. I can see the muscles in his back flex as he runs
his hand through his hair. He takes a deep breath and faces me again. I can see
anguish in his eyes. I want to hold him and comfort him but I can tell he is
bracing himself for this. I’m scared to hear whatever he has to say. What if it
is something so terrible and I can’t bear it? I almost want to tell him not to enlighten
me because this thing with us is so new and I don’t want it to end.