Feeling This (24 page)

Mrs. Weller cuts him off, “We had to do
this because during her senior year in high school she decided she didn’t need
the medicine and stopped taking it. She ended up at the hospital with slits in
her wrists. Luckily, she didn’t cut anything major.”

I fall back into the chair dumbfounded by
what they are saying to me. I can’t focus on anything except the envelope in my
hands that suddenly feels hot to the touch. I don’t want to open it but a part
of me has to know. I’ve been blaming myself for her death this whole time.

Her dad’s voice pulls me out of my
thoughts, “Jordan, I wanted to tell you that day that it wasn’t your fault. It
was ours.”  He places his arm around his wife’s shoulders and pulls her to him
kissing the top of her head before continuing.

“That night at the club in the bathroom, I
became aware because of you, that she wasn’t taking her medicine again. On the
way home we confronted her. She was defensive at first claiming we were ruining
her night. But when we threatened to call you and tell you, she admitted she
hadn’t been taking them and promised she would go and take them as soon as we
arrived home.” His voice cracks, “One of us should have supervised her. We
should have made sure.”

Anger wells in my chest at them but also at
Susan for not telling me. We were together for three years. Three fucking years
and she could have told me anytime. I glare over at her parents, “This is your
fault but it’s also hers. If you would have just told me that night...I
thought…”

I can’t finish before the tears start
streaming down my cheeks. I push myself up in a rush, grab a bottle from the
bar and walk out into the crisp air. The moon is half full casting a warm glow
across the perfectly manicured lawn, unlike the rest of Texas where the grass
is brown and dry, just another example of my parents and how their money talks.

I stumble through the night, unsure of
where I’m going. In one hand is the bottle frequently meeting my lips taking
big gulps and in the other is the envelope I hold onto as tightly as I can. My
feet take me to the dimly lighted gazebo on the other side of the property.  I
crash onto a bench and set the bottle down next to me. I turn the envelope over
and over in my hands finally gently tearing the seal, the soft sound echoing
through my head. I carefully pull out the folded piece of paper inside and hold
it up to my nose. It didn’t absorb her smell, the jasmine close by fills my
nostrils instead. Taking a deep breath I unfold the paper as my heart feels
like it will beat out of my chest. Her unmistakable handwriting screams at me
before I can focus on the words.

Dear Jordan,

I am so sorry. I am sorry that I didn’t tell you about my illness and
more than anything else I am sorry that I put you through this pain. You are
the most wonderful man I have ever met and I cherish every single moment that we’ve
spent together. When you proposed you made me the happiest woman in the world. You
were my protector from everything and everyone except myself.  I’ve decided
that you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve to have to watch me every moment
to see if I’m going to slip. You don’t deserve to start your life with someone
already so damaged. Jordan tonight I am setting you free. I’m tired, tired of
fighting and I just want it to stop. I know you will blame yourself, please
don’t. This is my fault. I’m not perfect and I’m tired of pretending I am.
Please promise that you will go on with your life and live it for the both of
us, the way life is supposed to be.

I love you,

Susan

By the time I finish reading the letter
four times, I’m out of energy and my eyes are blurry from the tears threatening
to spill out. I knew what the letter would say but her words hit me so hard. If
only I would have known, I could have helped. I sit silently, listening to the
crickets chirp nearby as the darkness settles further. I have a sudden need to
see Kimber, to be somewhere other than here. But instead of getting up because
that would require energy, which has leaked out of me completely, I lean back
against the hard wood and tip the bottle, savoring the warmth trailing down my
throat.

***

I wake to a clacking sound against the
hardwood and the warmth of the rising sun. The air is thickening, making it
hard to breath. Before I open my eyes I know where I am, still in the gazebo.
I’m thankful my parents didn’t come out to wake me up. When I roll over I
forget how narrow the bench is and fall to the floor knocking the breath out of
me. My mom’s worried voice follows with her hand on my arm, “Jordan are you
alright?”

I nod and squint into the rising sun. She
helps me stand up on wobbly legs. I really overdid the drinking last night. I
think I still might be drunk. She stoops down, picking up the letter and holds
it out to me. I fold it, placing it back into the envelope and pocket it. She
looks up into my face with a pained expression full of sympathy. I definitely
can’t stay. As soon as I kick this hangover, I’m out of here. She loops her arm
through mine and we walk toward the house without a word. No words are
necessary. The Weller’s visit last night revealed terrible news but it still
doesn’t change the fact that Susan is gone from our lives.

Kimber

I roll over to the sound of Momma’ s
scratchy voice, “Kimber, better get yer butt up. Mrs. Bruin is a savior, don’t
want to disappoint her.”

Did she really just say that? I have half a
mind to run in there and tell her she doesn’t even know the half of it; that we
would be on the street if it weren’t for Mrs. Bruin. But instead I roll over
and pull the pillow over my head, trying to drown out her incessant harassment.
My mind drifts to Jordan and how his incredible body moved lithely through the
field yesterday. His shirt was slung over his shoulder displaying perfectly,
darkened skin. He is starting to look like the others with a permanent tan from
working out in the sun all day. I shake myself out of it and curse my stupid
mind. Jordan is off limits. I worried last night that maybe he’s left and gone
back to Dallas, that is if he really is from Dallas. He could have been telling
everyone a story.

I slide out from my blanket and tip-toe to
the bathroom. Momma is still talking loudly as if we’re having a conversation.
I’m about to close the bathroom door when I hear her voice lower uttering, “Yeah,
just bring it by around eleven.”

I’m tempted to march out there and demand
to know who is coming and what they are bringing but I already have the answer to
the second part of that question. I suspect who it is she is talking to. I
close the door on her conversation and make the decision to call Jenna on the
way to class. So help me if she is still bringing Momma alcohol, I’m going to
kill her.

 Jenna picks up on the first ring when I
call her.

“Hey Kimber, what’s up?”

I start in on her, full of fury, “I can’t
believe you. I thought I got the point across that you are not to come to the
house.”

Silence spreads then her voice turns
defensive, ”First off, I can come to the house if I want to. I grew up there
too and she is my momma too. But I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about. I’m
not going to the house.”

“Well then who is? I overheard her talking
to someone on the phone telling them to come at eleven.”  

Jenna replies with, “I have no idea Kimber,
but it’s not me.”

I take a deep breath knowing that I am
probably going to regret my next question but I’m pretty much out of options.
“Jenna, can you come at eleven then to intercept whoever it is? She doesn’t
need any more bottles.” My voice softens, “I’m watching it kill her.”

“Um, yeah I guess I can. You know she’s
gonna kick me out as soon as I get there?”

“I know, just make sure she doesn’t get any
more alcohol. She’s gotta kick this.”

I hang up half relieved that Jenna will be here.
I’m not totally confident in her ability to keep it away from Momma but she’ll
have to do.

I pull up to the college and look up just
as Andrew is crossing the parking lot. Somehow seeing him makes me yearn for
Jordan.
Dammit!
I climb out of the car with my head angled down and walk
straight to class. When I enter the room, I look up to find a seat and meet
Andrew’s gaze. He is staring at me, with that longing stare. I look away sorry
I ever started anything with him in the first place.
Way to go Kimber.

Andrew has pretty much taken over the class
now. Dr. Jones either sits in the corner observing or he’s not even present. A
few times during the lecture, Andrew’s eyes land on me. It makes me squirm. I
was pretty clear with him; maybe he didn’t get the memo.

As class is ending, I rush to gather my
things but I’m too late. He climbs the two steps to my seat and stands, looking
down at me. It brings back de`ja`vu’ from that day he showed back up in my
life. He asks quietly, “Kimber, can we talk?”

I stare at the floor, knowing that if I
look up I’ll agree.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. We
already talked, remember?” I can’t help it at this point; I peek up at him to
gauge his reaction.

“I know, we did. I think we can make it
work though.”

Oh my fucking God! Is he really saying this
to me? Why does no one in this place ever take my word at face value?  I place
my hand on his chest,
big
mistake
. He grasps my hand in his
lovingly. I pull my hand away and turn from him. I can tell he is following me
out the door. When I get out into the warm air I turn around to find him just a
step behind me. I back up and explain as calmly as my temper will allow,
“Andrew, you are a wonderful person. We were really good together in high school
but we aren’t anymore. There is no more
us
so please, you have my
blessing, move on.”

He glares at me and asks, “Is this about
that new guy around town? I heard some things but I didn’t believe them. But
it’s true isn’t it? You fucked him. A new guy comes to town and you jump his
bones the first chance you get.”

I wince at his accusation but also because
I didn’t think of it like that. I had sex with Jordan but I didn’t exactly see
it as I fucked him. That’s what Heidi does often, right? No feelings involved.
My eyes fill up with the emotion this all brings up in me. I hiss at him,
pointing my finger into his chest, “If you don’t remember, I’ll refresh your
memory. Not long ago, I jumped you and you wanted nothing to do with me so
don’t give me crap. If you’re jealous, fine be jealous but don’t be pissed at
me cause you had your chance and it’s passed you by.”

Just as the first tear spills, I hear
Heidi’s voice in my ear and feel her hand around my arm, “Hey Kimber, c’mon,
we’re gonna be late for class.”

I let her pull me away, glaring at Andrew
the whole way. A grimace settles over his features and he calls behind us, “You
two are meant to be together, sluts.”

Heidi turns around and steps in his
direction but I grab her arm and mutter, “Class remember? He’s not worth it.”

She hugs me to her side as we walk to
class. She calls out to all the widened eyes along the path and halls, “Show’s
over. Get a life.”

***

When I get to the ranch, I feel rotten. My
sister didn’t pick up when I tried calling to make sure she made it over to the
house. And the whole Andrew bit? If more is to come today, it might just push me
over the edge.

Mrs. Bruin is baking away today for a
church event the next day so I am once again in charge of the boys. This time,
I talk them into going to the lake. I know it won’t make things any better but
I just want to see Jordan. If only from afar, I’ll be satisfied. But when we
get to the lake the fields are empty except for the cows and horses off in the
distance. I lay in the grass for a good hour until Michael begs me too many
times to jump in with them.

Once we get back to the house, Mrs. Bruin
is waiting with a plate for Momma letting me go home early. I want to know
where Jordan is but I’m scared to ask. I have a horrible feeling he left and
he’s not coming back. As mad as I am at him, I don’t know that it sits well
with me.