Feeling This (11 page)

She walked catlike to the bed and crawled
up my body kissing her way across my bare chest until she was sliding her
tongue into my mouth. Her smell was always so intoxicating. It alone sent me
over the edge most of the time. I grabbed her head holding her there so I could
kiss her mouth thoroughly. Once I was satisfied, I moved and rolled her over so
I was hovering above her. I stared into her wide brown eyes for a few minutes. She
reached down unbuttoning my shorts, pushing them down partly with her hands and
finishing the rest of the way with her foot. This elicited the most perfect
giggle from her because she had a hard time getting them all the way off of my
feet. After this though, everything turned serious. She grabbed my length and
caressed it softly making me so hard.

Our eyes never leaving one another, I
lowered myself to linger over her lips, momentarily causing her to lose her
grip. But I didn’t kiss her, instead I took each of her breasts, perfectly
fitting in my hands and sucked alternating between them, causing her to squirm
and moan under me. Then I made my way further down kissing each and every spot
of sensitive skin on her flat, smooth stomach. My hands made their way down to
her thighs caressing back and forth before finally plunging into her soft
folds. Her moans became declarations of pleasure, ”Yes, oh yes, Jordan, right
there.” I used more fingers to delve further and caress her sweet spot until
finally she was yelling out something incomprehensible.

I moved up her body to kiss her as she
grabbed my cock telling me while smiling, “I want you inside me.” I smiled back
and slowly plunged into her. Moving in and out languidly but gathering momentum
until her legs wrapped around my waist and I was plunging as deep as I could
get. Finally, I had to release and I called out her name, “Susan!”

We both collapsed after that session. I
told her sweetly as she snuggled against me, “I think I like your way better.”
She smiled and fell asleep against my chest.

I have to hold onto that night with
everything. That was our last night together and it couldn’t have been any more
perfect. I take my sandwich to the couch and turn the T.V. on while trying not
to remember anything else. This is just torture. I have to face the fact that
she is gone and I’ll never see her again. That really was our last night. I
need to remember each and every detail.

Flipping through the channels, I finally
settle on a football game. The Cowboys are playing. Usually I know who is
scheduled to play and what the stats are but right now I have no clue. It’s
more like background noise. Once I have my fill of the sandwich, I get up in
search of a bottle. There’s only so much a person can take at once. Sitting
lonely in the cabinet just waiting for me is an almost full bottle of Jack
Daniels. I grab a glass and make my way back to the couch. As I’m about to
swallow my third glass, my phone starts to vibrate in my back pocket. Reaching
for it I see my mom’s number flash across the screen.  I hesitate but if I
don’t answer it, she’ll keep calling.

“Hey Mom, I’m fine.” I don’t even give her
a chance to ask.

“Hi Jordan. Do you, do you want me to come
over and make you some dinner?” She must be really desperate. My mother does
not cook. She leaves that to Maria.

“No mom, I’m good. I just finished a sandwich,
now I’m working on dessert.” I take another swig at the mention.

She hesitates, “Okay honey. Um, please let
us know if you need anything.”

Before I can say goodbye, she pipes up,
“One last thing, have you given any thought to going to counseling?” Her voice
becomes quiet as she trails off.

Sighing, with anger rising in my voice, “No
mom. I told you before, I just need time. It’s only been a month.”

I push the end button before she can
protest and pour another drink. After a while my eye lids start to close on
their own. I push up from the couch and stumble to the bedroom. When I get to
the entrance, I rest my hands on the door frame looking around the room, afraid
to enter. Her scent is heaviest in here. Without thinking I shuffle to the
dresser still covered with candles. Staring down at them, the grief overtakes
me and I scream out, “Susan, why did you leave me?”

 I push them all off the dresser in a rage.
They hit the hardwood floor, as if each one is a gunshot to my heart. This is
something I deserve for not helping her soon enough, so I look for more. My
hands meet with every surface in the bedroom causing glass figurines and vases
to fall and break into a million pieces. In the closet I begin ripping her
clothes down from the hangers. Halfway through, my legs can’t hold me up any
longer. I collapse to the floor and cry for the love and life I’ve lost.

***

Rays of light reach out and tease my
eyelids. I frown before opening them because I don’t remember falling asleep.
Opening my eyes I find myself in the bed. My hand moves up to my head trying to
soothe the oncoming headache. I glance over at my watch to find that it’s
already noon. I slept half the day away. I’m not even sure what day it actually
is. Lying here trying to conjure the energy to get up, I hear shoes click
across the wooden floor in the other room. Then my mom’s voice is moving closer
to the bedroom, “Jordan, are you here? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you
all morning. What…”

Her voice stops as she comes to a stop in
the doorway. The look on her face is fear, which quickly turns to sympathy. She
comes carefully into the room, stepping over the mess I made the night before.
She sits down on the bed, grasping my hand in both of hers. She pleads,
“Jordan, I really think you need to talk to someone. You were drinking weren’t
you? I saw an almost empty bottle on the table in the living room. I don’t want
you to develop a drinking problem because of this.”

Yanking my hand from her grasp, I hiss,
“Because of what? Do you not realize Susan is gone? I won’t get to marry her
and spend the rest of my life with her. She was everything to me.”

“I know honey, I know you are hurting. But
your father and I are here to help. Your friends are here. You haven’t talked
to anyone about it. If you don’t talk about it, you’ll let it simmer and look
what happens,” She gestures around the room, “it’ll come out in other ways.”

I ignore her, climbing out of the bed and
walking around the broken glass to the bathroom. Maybe if I don’t acknowledge
her, she’ll leave.

When I enter the room again, she is still
sitting on the bed with her hands placed properly in her lap as if she is
posing for a picture. My gaze scans the room at the destruction I caused and in
that instance I make a decision, “I’m leaving Mom.”

She turns suddenly out of her pose, “What?
That is the worst idea I’ve ever heard. Where will you go Jordan?”

“Not sure. I need to get away and clear my
head. I can’t be here right now.”

Her voice turns shaky, “You can come back
home and stay with your dad and I. He won’t ask you to leave again. That was
just a big misunderstanding.”

I shake my head maneuvering my way around
the room, grabbing clothes and a bag out of the closet. This is the first thing
that feels right in a long while.

She gets up and stands there staring across
the room as I move swiftly gathering things to place in my bag. Not once do I
look up to see the pain in her face that she feels for me. She must realize
she’s lost this fight. I can’t be where there are any reminders of Susan right
now.  

Once I’ve packed and cleaned myself up, I
leave the bedroom without a backward glance. My mom had relocated to the
kitchen, while I took a shower, which now lacks a single dish in the sink or a
crumb on the counter. Who knew my mom had it in her to clean up. She turns as I
enter and gently lower my duffle bag to the floor.

“Jordan, I don’t think this is a good idea.
Having no one around you to talk to will just make things worse. Where will you
go?”

I step forward and gather her in a hug
whispering, “I love you Mom.”

Stepping away I pick up my bag and make my
way to the front door, averting my gaze as if my life depends on it, I make it
there as soon as possible. Once it’s open and the warm Texas air surrounds me,
my body relaxes taking in the first deep breath, since last night. Fitting the
bag into the trunk of my car, my ears perk up at the sound of my mom’s heels
following me out here. I hurry to the driver’s side door and grab for the
handle. She places her hand on my shoulder causing me to turn and face her.

“Jordan, take care of yourself, Okay?”

I nod solemnly, “I will, Mom.”

“And call anytime you need to, for anything
at all.”

As she utters the last of her concerns, I
turn and climb into the car. Staring ahead to the apartment I shared with Susan,
I know this is no longer my home. I’m not sure where home is now.

Kimber

A month passes without another word from
Andrew. He doesn’t glance at me once during class when I’m there. I don’t
bother speaking to him, mostly out of sheer embarrassment. I probably chased
him off with my desperation. Now that I’ve come to my senses though, I’m
determined Becca and Heidi don’t know what they’re talking about. Sex is over
rated.
Yeah right, and I’m really the Easter Bunny
.

On a Friday I wake with the sun and Momma’s
insistent badgering. I shower and dress in a sundress covered in blue daisies
resting just above my knees matched with silver flip flops. Our kitchen
encounter is the same every morning with subtle variations but today Momma
seems a little more with it than not. She has already made coffee and she’s
dressed in loose fitting jeans topped with a yellow tank top. Still sitting at
the kitchen table smoking, a coffee cup is the only thing containing liquid in
front of her. She looks up as I glide over to the coffee pot to pour myself a
cup. I gather her medicine and glance at my watch, deciding to chance a
conversation with her. I lower myself into the chair, and her grey-blue eyes
follow mine the whole way landing on my hands.

She mumbles in a soft, rough voice still
staring at my clasped hands, “Kimber, I know I’ve been hard to live with
lately.” I’m a little taken back. She doesn’t get a response from me right
away. Instead I push her container of pills across the table and watch as she deliberately
washes each one down with coffee.

“Momma, I know it’s not really your fault.
I just want you to get better.” My eyes rest on her shaking hands as she sets
the pill container down. I wish she was as well and vibrant as she used to be.
I miss that version of my momma. This one just seems to have given up.

Her tone turns bitter and accusatory, “Do
you think I want this?”

Her hands move, gesturing and shaking as
she speaks. I get up deciding that this brief mother/daughter bonding moment is
over. As I turn to walk out of the kitchen she calls out, “This isn’t what I
wanted for you and your sister. I didn’t want you to have to take care of me.
It’s my job to take care of you girls. But see what happens when things get
hard, your sister up and left when things got too tough for her.”

I spin back around and tell her firmly,
“Momma, things happen that we don’t expect, that we don’t want and can’t change.
But we have to deal with it. Jenna doesn’t deal, you know that. But you Momma,
you can get up every day and try. That’s all I want Momma, just for you to at
least make an effort.”

She looks away as my stare bores into her,
putting the challenge out there. I knew she wouldn’t acknowledge it but I will
never stop trying. She’s lost all of her fight but I’m not willing to give up.

My voice softens, “Bye Momma, I love you.
Have a good day.”

Luckily my car starts right up and I back
up into the small dirt drive leading out to the main road that will take me to
the highway. But as I shift the car into drive a figure standing down the road
catches my eye. He’s leaning against his car with his hands pushed into his
front pockets. He looks up as my car careens to a stop beside him. My breath
catches as it always does at the sight of him. He’s dressed in fitted jeans
with a square, silver buckle in the front. His usual black boots and a black
t-shirt that fits him perfectly in all the right places letting me know what’s
underneath. I should just drive on and not acknowledge that he’s there, but of
course I do the opposite. I put the car in park and push on the handle to roll
down the window. It squeaks as I make progress and curse my little car. He
stands to his full frame stepping toward me with an easy smile. This is exactly
why I fall for it every time. He’s just so tempting.