Fandango in the Apse! (26 page)

I dragged myself into the bathroom and was shocked at my reflection in
the mirror.  There was no sign of the woman who had looked back at me the
previous morning.   I felt I’d lived a lifetime since then.  In place of the
bright, sparkling eyes so full of hope, was a pair, dulled and lifeless with
pain. 

I wanted to crawl back under the duvet and never emerge, but I had to go
to work.  No matter what – it was the first day of the sale and I couldn’t let
Alison down.  Anyway, I reasoned, perhaps it was better to be busy.

‘About time
too, missus,’ Alison joked, when I arrived half an hour late. ‘Ooh…are you OK? 
You look dreadful… what was it, too much partying over the New Year?’

‘Something like that,’ I replied, with what I hoped was a convincing
smile.  I wasn’t ready to tell Alison yet – everything was too raw, I needed
time to come to terms with it first.  The smile did the trick, and as customers
came and went in a steady stream all day, there wasn’t time to mention my
appearance again.  By Saturday though, Alison wouldn’t be put off any longer.

‘You really do look like shit,’ she said, as we were closing up after
another busy day. ‘Are you still not well?  Perhaps you should ring the doctor;
you might have alcohol poisoning or something.’

‘Ali, I’m fine, it’s just a bit of a cold.’  I had no idea how I had kept
going through the   week, all I wanted was to get home at cocoon myself in a
blanket on the sofa, as I had done every other night.  Fending off questions
from Alison wasn’t on my agenda.

‘Rubbish.  You’re not sniffling or coughing, so what is it?’  Then, as I
watched, Alison put two and two together and came up with the correct answer.

‘Is everything alright with you and Robbie, you haven’t fallen out have
you?’

The concern on her face was too much. ‘Alison, just for once will you
keep your nose out of my business…please?’

‘Katie, I…’

‘Just leave it, will you?’ I grabbed my keys. ‘I’m going home,’ I said,
without a backward glance.

Later with the fire lit for company and back in my usual place on the
sofa, I thought about the way I had spoken to Alison.   I would have to ring
her in the morning to apologise.  I knew time was running out and I would soon
have to tell her about Robbie, but it could wait a little longer.

This probably wasn’t very healthy, but over the previous few nights I
found I could blot out everything and relive the time I was with Robbie.  My
days were spent willing the time away, so I could lay on the sofa wrapped in a
blanket and ease my heart by pretending everything was as it had been, reliving
special moments, recalling certain conversations.   Of course, reality always
surfaced and the pain magnified as it washed over me anew, but the few hours of
make-believe made that worthwhile.

It was in this state of mind that I first heard the crunch of tyres on
gravel.  Jerked out of my reverie, my heart thudded painfully against my ribs. 
Please God – please, please God, let it be him.  I held my breath as a car door
slammed and then listened to footsteps on the path and then a knock.  ‘Please…please,’
 I whispered.

‘Katie?  Open up, it’s me.’ Alison’s words brought my breath whooshing out
sickeningly.  I swallowed my disappointment and slowly disentangled myself from
the blanket to open the door.  Was that really what I was doing?  Was I really
waiting here night after night, hoping Robbie would turn up?  What a stupid,
idiotic, ridiculous fool I was.

‘Hi, Alison.’ I was faintly surprised by the huge bag she lugged in with
her.

‘Hiya,’ she said, as she dumped the bag on the sofa and started rummaging
through it, finally producing two bottles of wine.

‘So…’she said, holding both aloft. ‘Do you want red or white?’

I shook my head. ‘Alison, I’m not in the mood… please don’t be offended,
but I just want a quiet night by myself.’

‘Hmm…that might be a bit of a problem.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, you see this bag?’ I nodded.  ‘That contains another two bottles
of wine, my jim-jams, tooth brush and clean undies.’

‘Alison… what are you doing?’  The woman had the hide of a rhinoceros,
couldn’t she see I wanted to be left alone?

‘I’m camping out here and you can say and do as you like, but I’m not
moving until we sort this mess out.’

‘You know?’

Alison nodded.  ‘Now don’t get mad, I only did it because I was so
worried about you.’

My heart sank.  ‘What did you do, Alison?’

            ‘I got Mark to phone Robbie…’ I sucked in my breath.

‘Jesus,
Christ Alison, why did you do that?’  In that moment, I could have hit her. 
‘Who gave you the right to do that?  Did you not hear me when I told you to
stay out

of my business?  I can’t believe you did that!  Right…
get out Alison, get out and keep your interfering…’

            ‘No.’

            ‘What did you say?’

            ‘I said, no.’

            ‘Alison… I won’t ask you again, please get out of my house.’

            ‘No.’

We stood looking at one another and I knew by the mutinous set of
Alison’s jaw, that short of man-handling her out of the house, she was staying.

‘Right… now that’s settled, do you want red or white?’

‘I don’t care.’  Alison looked at what was no doubt a sullen expression
on my face and chose to ignore it.

‘Red it is, then.’

‘Why did you do it, Ali?’ I asked, when she had poured the wine and
settled herself at the other end of my sofa.

‘I’m sorry, Katie,’ she replied, pulling half the blanket over herself. 
‘I knew you’d be mad, but like I said, I was worried about you.  It took me
ages to persuade Mark to do it and in the end he skirted round it so much, I
spoke to Robbie myself.’

My heart skittered as I waited for her to go on.  She looked at me.

‘He wasn’t happy.’  A little ray of hope shone into my heavy heart.  If
Robbie was unhappy, maybe that meant…

‘Basically, he told me to mind my own business.’

‘Oh.’  My heart darkened again.

‘He did tell me you and he had broken up though.’

‘Did he give you the reason?’

‘No, and I didn’t have the guts to press him…he can be quite intimidating
at times.’

I took a swig of wine. ‘We found we were looking for different things
from the relationship.’

‘Ah, sweetheart, I’m sorry.’

‘You knew this would happen didn’t you?  You even warned me.’

‘But I didn’t want to be right, Katie, in fact, for the past few months I
thought you too really had it sorted.  You both seemed so happy, so right for
each other.’

‘Don’t please…I can’t bear it…’

And then the dam of pent up emotion burst.  Alison  scuttled down to my
end and held me while huge sobs wracked my body.

‘Shush now,’ she said eventually.  ‘It will be OK, you’ll see.’

‘But it won’t…don’t you see?  It will never be OK again.’

We talked long into the night, both of us sharing the blanket and sitting
either end of the sofa like bookends, taking it in turns to shove logs on the
fire.  We discussed everything about the visit to Robbie’s family, in minute
detail.

‘And it was only then you realised you were in love with him?  Katie, it
was obvious to everyone else ages ago.’ 

‘I am such a fool, how could I have imagined for a minute that someone
like Robbie would love me back?’ 

‘That’s a crock of shit, Katie, why would you say stuff like that?’

‘You’ve seen his girlfriends, Ali…’

‘Yes, I have, and what a load of air-heads they were.  Most of them would
drop their knickers faster than a blind man handed a hot coal.’

‘Oh, Ali, that’s terrible…’ I laughed.  It felt good to laugh.

‘Seriously though, I don’t know why you pull yourself down, look at you,
I wish I had your looks.  I tell you, I wouldn’t be festering here… I’d be out
living the high life, cruising around the Med – anything  rather than mooning
over Robbie Collins.’

‘I have not been mooning over Robbie, in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve
been raising my boys.’

‘And a great job you’ve made of it… you were number-one Mum when it came
to ferrying your boys about and standing freezing you backside off on school
football pitches, but it’s your time now, Katie.  And as your best friend, I’m
asking you not to waste any more time on Robbie.  I know you love him, but that
will get easier, you know that.  Live your life for yourself now.’

‘Ali, I know you mean well, but it’s a bit easier said than done.’

‘I know hun, but just think about it, eh?’

I nodded, but right then the thought of leaving the security of my little
house, even for a “cruise around the Mediterranean” filled me with horror.  To
have to interact with people, when all I wanted to do was curl up in a corner
and nurse my broken heart was an impossibility.

‘Look, Katie, I’m going to tell you something – I shouldn’t, because Robbie
told us in confidence – but I think you need to know.  It might make you
understand why he is the way he is, why I told you he was no good for you.’

My stomach flipped, I had a feeling what Alison was about to say would
take away the last glimmer of hope I had, and I’m honest enough to admit to you
that I was still hoping.

‘Robbie told us this years ago; he was at the house watching some big
Rugby match with Mark and afterwards we got talking.  He’d been drinking all
afternoon,  I think that’s what loosened his tongue.   I asked him when he was
going to settle down – you know what I’m like – I can never keep my big gob
shut.  I thought he was going to tell me to butt out, but he didn’t, he told us
why that was never going to happen.’

‘What did he say?’

 ‘He had been at University studying to be an architect when he started
seeing a girl who was on the same course, I forget her name now.’

‘Amanda.’

‘Oh, has he already told you this?’

I shook my head.  ‘No, but you remember I told you Julie said something
about the past and Robbie mentioned Amanda… I assume this is what you’re
talking about.’

‘Yes it is.  Apparently, they dated for about eighteen months and then
she got in with a bad crowd. They were into drugs and Robbie began to suspect
this girl was taking them too.  It was so sad, Katie, he did everything he
could to get her off them, but she wouldn’t quit.  Eventually he finished with
her and two weeks later, she was found dead from a heroin overdose.  Reading
between the lines, I don’t think he has ever forgiven himself, I think he felt
he let her down, that he should have done more.  He dropped out of University,
moved up here and learned his trade.  Anyway, from that point on, he swore he
would never let himself get involved with anyone ever again.  And he hasn’t,
has he?  To be honest, in all the time I’ve known him, you have been his
longest girlfriend.’

So that was it, I was right… my last shred of hope that somehow Robbie and
I could get back together, disintegrated with Alison’s story.   It was amazing
how you could have your heart shattered like glass and still love with all the
little pieces.

Over breakfast the next day we discussed me having some time off.

‘I can’t leave you to do it all,’ I said.

‘Do you remember Megan Boyd from class… dark hair, two benches behind
us?’

‘I think so, why?’

‘She came in the shop last week when you were at lunch, I forgot to tell
you.  She wanted to know if we had any jobs going.’

‘Well, we haven’t really… have we?’

‘No, but it set me thinking… what if we take her on for a couple of days
a week, it would give each of us an extra day off.’

‘Was she any good at flower arranging?’

‘I think so, didn’t she do that arrangement with the orchids and the
alabaster statue?  I’m sure it was her, it was very innovative.’

‘Hmm…yes, I think that was her.  OK, we can give her a go at least,’ I
said, warming to the idea of some extra time off.

‘Right, I’ll give her a ring this afternoon and see if she’ll do next
week as her trial period, that way you can have the whole week off.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Hun, you need time to get yourself together, and this is the perfect
solution.  Besides,’ she grinned, ‘if last week is anything to go by, she’ll be
far more help.’

‘Sorry, Ali, I don’t know how you put up with me.’

‘No, me neither,’ she said, giving me a bear hug.

I spent my week off doing my best to come to terms with everything.  I
knew I had to let go and somehow move on.  Knowing this didn’t make it any
easier, I still cried in the aching loneliness of the night, but I was making
slow progress.

When I returned to work for the first of my four days, (Megan had worked
brilliantly the week before and we were taking her on) I fervently hoped I
wouldn’t bump into Robbie.  Retford wasn’t a big place, so it was a
possibility.  I began taking a packed lunch so I didn’t have to go out and I
was often in danger of having a panic attack in my rush to get to my car to go
home, but other than that I was coping.

A few weeks later, having just finished a large order for funeral flowers,
Alison and I were sitting in the back of the shop drinking a coffee.

‘Sam rang last night…he’s not coming home for Easter.’

‘Oh, that’s a shame, are you very disappointed?’

‘Yep, but Eddie has asked him to go to the villa.  I can’t really
complain I suppose...  I had him for Christmas.’

‘Still, it would have been nice,’ Alison commiserated.

‘Anyway, I was thinking earlier when we were doing the wreaths, we are
missing an opportunity here.’

‘How so?’

‘We need to get our cards to the clergy in this town.  Think about it,
they do all the weddings and funerals, what better way to plug our business.’

‘Would they do that?’  Alison looked doubtful.

‘Well, we can ask; even if they say no we’ll have tried at least.  What
do you think?’