Fandango in the Apse! (25 page)

I returned my attention to Robbie, and had to stifle a grin, as I watched
a six-feet-four-inch man get a sound telling off from a tiny woman with more
wrinkles than a raisin.

‘I don’t know how many I’ve got left,’ she admonished now.

‘Rubbish Granny…you’ll out live us all,’ he laughed.

‘So where is this girl of yours, why haven’t I met her yet?’

Robbie turned to me and I knelt down beside him.

‘She’s right here...this is Katie, Granny.’ 

‘How do you do, Mrs Collins?’ I said, holding out my hand, into which she
placed her tiny gnarled fingers.  As soon as she let go she picked up her
folded glasses and peered through them.

‘Very pleased to meet you too, dear, but it’s a while since you were a
girl, isn’t it? Still, you seem to be wearing well.’

I was astonished by her candour, which was delivered with such aplomb, it
was impossible to be offended.  Robbie cocked an eyebrow and grinned at me as
if to say, “I told you so.”

We were rescued by Helena, Robbie’s mother, who was wearing a pained
expression.

‘I’m so sorry, I’m afraid my mother-in-law has reached an age where she
feels she can say what she likes… and frequently does!’

‘Mum…hello.’ This was followed by another hugging session.  ‘I did try to
warn her,’ Robbie laughed.

‘So you are Katie.’  I didn’t get a chance to reply before she turned to
scan the now crowded room.

‘Bob… here,’ she waved.  Bob, who was obviously Robbie’s father ambled
over, good naturedly greeting people as he came.

‘Hello, son,’ he said, as he slapped Robbie on the back.

‘Mum, Dad, this is Katie Roberts.’  I couldn’t be sure but I could almost
imagine I heard a note of pride in his voice as I was introduced.  A warm
feeling settled in my belly.

‘We were so pleased when Robbie said he was bringing you… weren’t we
Bob?’

‘Yes indeed. I must say, I can see why Robbie preferred Nottinghamshire
this Christmas.’  Bob’s eyes twinkled mischievously as he said this.  So that’s
where Robbie got his wicked sense of humour, I thought.

Later, after the guests had left, the whole family sat in the lounge for
a nightcap.  As often happens at New Year, they were reminiscing about years
past and listening to their gentle teasing, I began to feel a little out of
things.  As if sensing this, Robbie who was sitting on the floor, with his back
propped up against the arm of his mother’s chair, began regaling his family
about my soot-covered fight with the chimney.  He could hardly tell it without
laughing and the whole family joined in as he finished the slightly (in my
opinion) exaggerated tale. 

And so, as the banter continued, I watched Robbie’s completely uninhibited
interaction with his family, and realised something.  It wasn’t a
cymbal-clashing, drum-rolling moment, it was a quiet realisation that there was
something about this man that resonated with my soul.  I was truly and completely
in love with him.  I felt my heart open and soar to freedom.  At the exact
moment of this realisation Robbie glanced at me, and was I sure I could see the
same emotion reflected back at me.

My breath stilled in my chest as my heartbeat thrummed loudly in my ears above
the laughter in the room.  Robbie smiled and turned away distracted by a
question from his father.  I picked up my wineglass and quickly scanned the room
only to come to a thudding stop, Julie was watching me. 

I lay awake for hours after Robbie drifted off.  I needed to examine, in
minute detail, this brand new emotion.  I had so many questions rattling around
in my head, the main one being, what did I do now?  Did I tell him?  No, I
needed to keep this to myself a little longer; I needed time to get used to the
idea.  I wasn’t scared of telling Robbie how I felt, I was reasonably confident
he felt the same way.  No man could be as loving and kind as he was and not
feel the same way, surely?  I wasn’t even frightened of the depth of my
emotions, which surprised me.  I felt free, unshackled by the doubts that had
been a part of my life for so long.  Robbie had been proud to introduce me to
his family, and that knowledge buoyed my confidence.  Robbie Collins was proud
of me!  I had to keep repeating it, it was such a wondrous revelation.

We planned to leave after breakfast the following morning.  Alison and I
were opening the shop for the sales the next day.  I already felt guilty about
the amount of work she’d  had to do, re-pricing stock in my absence.

I was about to close the case I had just packed when I remembered I’d
left the shoes I had worn for the party in the kitchen.  After only wearing
them for a couple of hours, I had conceded that my days of wearing three-inch
heels, let alone four, were probably over.  I headed back down the stairs
acknowledging that only the previous day I would have considered that a pain in
the arse.  That day… nothing could spoil my mood, or so I thought.

I saw my shoes immediately; they were sitting on the floor to the right
of the breakfast room door.  I picked them up and was about to return upstairs,
when I heard my name mentioned from within the room.  I know I should have
carried on with what I was doing, but I defy any of you who could do that once
you’d heard you name mentioned.

‘So, come on lil’ brother… out with it,’ Julie was saying.

‘Out with what?’ Robbie laughed.

‘About you and Katie…anything we should know?’ Julie repeated coyly.

‘No… I don’t think so?’

‘He’s being deliberately obtuse, Julie.’  That was Pamela’s voice.

‘I know, so come on, Robbie, we’re…’

 ‘Nosy,’ Robbie grumbled.  I was wishing he would answer them, I wanted
to know what he would say.

‘Now don’t get all defensive… it’s just sisterly curiosity, isn’t it,
Pam?’

‘OK, I’ll spell it out… Julie and I want to know if we are going to have
to go hat shopping in the near future.’

‘What in God’s name gave you that idea?’  My stomach lurched.

‘Oh! Well… it’s just that you don’t normally bring anyone home,’ said
Pam.

‘And you two look like love’s young dream… we thought… didn’t we, Pam…’
Julie’s voice trailed off in confusion.

‘I don’t believe you two.  Just because I brought Katie home, doesn’t
mean I’m going to marry her, we don’t have that sort of relationship.’  My
stomach lurched again, but like a rabbit caught in the glare of headlights, I
couldn’t move.

‘Oh, but we thought…’

‘Well you thought wrong… both of you.  Let me explain this so you are not
under any illusions – I have no intention of marrying Katie, now or in the
future … is that clear?’

‘Does she know that?’ Pam asked.

‘We’ve never discussed it.’

‘Well, I think you should,’ Julie said.

‘Well, I think it’s none of your business.’

‘You know she’s in love with you, don’t you?’

‘For Christ’s sake Julie… what are you basing that on?  Katie is not in
love with me and I am not in love with her, period.  We have a great
relationship, but Katie is complicated… she’s…’

‘Vulnerable?’  So much for Robbie’s assertion that Julie didn’t
psychoanalyse in her spare time.

‘No… well… yes – oh, I don’t know, but there is something about her
that…’

‘What?’

‘I’m not one of your patients, Julie, Katie and I are fine as we are.
Jesus, it’s like being cornered by the Gestapo.’

‘Robbie, I know what you are doing here and it’s wrong, you have to leave
the past behind you, it was twenty years ago.  When are you going to accept it
wasn’t your fault?’ Julie pleaded.

‘Enough!’ Robbie shouted. ‘That has nothing to do with this…’

‘But…’

‘I-will-never-marry-anyone
.
There are no if’s or but’s, that is
fact, and I’ve nothing more to say on the subject.’  I heard a chair scrape
across the floor, but didn’t have time to react before Robbie stormed through
the door.

‘Katie!’ 

‘I…’

I what?  What could I say?  We looked at each other briefly then with a
pained expression Robbie brushed passed me and through the door to the garden. 
I didn’t move, I couldn’t, it felt like someone had nailed my feet to the floor
as the full impact of Robbie’s words washed over me.  Then Julie was beside me,
her distraught expression made it perfectly clear how horrified she was that I
had heard their conversation.

‘Katie, I’m so sorry…’

I held my hand up to stop her speaking.  I couldn’t do this now, I had to
get away.  I heard her call to me as I ran back to the stairs.  Please, please,
God, don’t let her follow me, I begged.

In the history of all the crap car journeys I have ever taken, the one
home has to rank as number one.  When Robbie returned from the garden, I had
everything packed and was sitting on the bed waiting for him.  There was an
awkward pause when he entered the room.  I couldn’t look at him, afraid the
sight of his face would dissolve the blessed numbness wrapping itself around
me.  I desperately needed to ward off the pain I knew was coming, for a little
longer, at least.

‘Is that everything?’ he asked.  I nodded, afraid to speak.

‘OK, well if you’re ready…? 

I stood to put my coat on and then walked past him and down the stairs. 
My courage almost failed me when Julie and Pam were waiting in the hall.

            ‘Katie…are you alright?’  Julie asked.

I nodded and murmured a quiet thanks for her hospitality and left the
house as quickly as possible.

            We had been driving for a couple of hours when Robbie spoke
for the first time.

            ‘Would you like to stop for lunch?’

            ‘No, thank you.’

            ‘Katie…’

            ‘Don’t.’

            Again we lapsed into silence.  I needed silence to come to
terms with what a gigantic arse I had made of myself yet again.  As the
numbness began to wear off, I became acutely aware that I had made a whole heap
of assumptions that I had no right to make.  As I thought back over the
previous few months, I could not remember a single time when Robbie had even hinted
about our relationship being anything more than it was.  It was me who had
built up this whole scenario in my mind. Christ, there had even been times when
I imagined the discussion we would have over whose house we would live in. 

            What an incredible fool I was.  I couldn’t believe my
audacity, it defied belief.  What on earth made me think someone like Robbie
would love someone like me?  I had seen some of his girlfriends – all were
beautiful – all were transient.  Why did I think I was going to be the one to
make him settle down?  It was laughable how blinkered I’d been in my
desperation not to be just another statistic in his life.

 I mean really, what could I offer a man like Robbie?  Men like him
didn’t want love, they wanted sex…no strings attached, sex.   I could feel
myself withering with humiliation with each mile we travelled.  Robbie didn’t
speak again until we were almost home.

‘Katie, we have to talk.’  

My only salvation was to remain calm.  I knew I had already lost him, but
I also knew for my own sake, I had to retain my dignity. 

‘Yes, I suppose we do.’  Robbie let out a deep sigh and looked across at
me.  I schooled my features to reveal nothing of the horrendous pain settling
in the pit of my stomach.

‘I’m sorry you heard that conversation earlier.’

‘Why?’  That obviously wasn’t the reply he was expecting and he
floundered for a moment trying to find his words.

‘It was hurtful to you and I never want to hurt you.’  Too late, I
thought.

‘Don’t worry about it, Robbie… these things are better out in the open.’ 
Was that me speaking?  I was amazed I sounded so calm.

‘I didn’t realise, Katie, I thought you understood, but you were
expecting more… from me, I mean.’  It was a statement rather than a question. 

‘If I’m honest… then yes, I was.  Look Robbie, I wasn’t expecting wedding
bells and happily ever after.’  Liar!  ‘But I thought we were progressing – I had
no idea that this was it for you.  But you have nothing to reproach yourself
for,’ I added. ‘It was my mistake.’

‘I can’t be what you want me to be, Katie.’

‘I know that now.’  Robbie leaned over to rest his hand on mine and I
didn’t pull away.

‘Katie, I want you to know…it’s not…’

‘Please don’t say it’s not me, it’s you… it doesn’t matter whose fault it
is, the end result is the same.’

‘I’m sorry.’

For the first time since he walked out of the breakfast room, I looked at
him.  He looked sad and I understood why.  Essentially, Robbie was a good guy,
he hadn’t wanted to hurt me.  I just wished he’d been clearer about his expectations,
or lack of them in this case, in the beginning. He should have drawn up ground
rules that an imbecile like me could follow.

As soon as we pulled into my drive, I was out of the car and dragging my
bag out of the trunk.  Robbie got out, but I wanted to be away from him, my
carefully built façade was beginning to crack around the edges.

‘Goodbye, Robbie,’ I managed, past the huge lump firmly lodged in my
throat.

‘Katie.’

‘Yes?’

‘I’m sorry…’ he said again.

‘Me too.’  I had to run inside then, I couldn’t handle the mortification
of crying in front of him. 

When I woke on the Monday morning, it was to the realization that most of
the previous evening was a blur.  I remembered coming through the door to the
sound of Robbie reversing down the drive, but then nothing except deep,
debilitating pain, which cut through me like a rip-saw.  I couldn’t find any
relief from it, I couldn’t cry.  Why couldn’t I cry?  I could feel the tears
welled up behind the lump in my throat, but I couldn’t free them.  My heart felt
like something was trying to drag it from my chest and still I couldn’t release
the cleansing flow of tears. 

Fear began to overwhelm me. I would never feel the security of Robbie’s
arms again or touch his warm skin, or laugh at his silly jokes.  Loving Robbie
had set my heart free and having lost him, I felt splintered into a million
pieces and I knew I would never be whole again.