False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (36 page)

“I
did yesterday morning, but I don’t think I have anymore.” Dejected and feeling
like a failure, my heart ached.

“You
need food and fluids for your body to produce breast milk, Ellia. Not only
that, you are in a recovery phase from a long labor and delivery. You must take
better care of yourself. When your baby comes home to you, you want to be able
to care for him don’t you?” she asked, sitting on the edge of my bed. “Are you
having dark thoughts?”

“You
mean suicide?”

“Yes.
Postpartum depression is common and now you have a traumatic event to deal
with, too. I can refer you to a psychiatrist if you are too overwhelmed,”

“No,
I am not suicidal, but the word on the street is that I’m unstable.” I laughed
absurdly to prove the point and then got serious again. “Maybe it’s true, I
don’t know anymore. What if Willow would make a better mother?”

“Nonsense.
I can see how much you love your son, but right now, you need to get well. Do
you want me to find someone for you to talk to, Ellia?” she asked.

“No,
I will be fine. I’ve gotten used to dealing with things on my own over the
years.”

“You’re
not alone,” said Cade, walking into the room looking a disheveled mess. “Can we
have a moment?”

“Of
course,” said the doctor, smiling at Cade. “I will be back in a little while to
do her exam. And I’d like to speak with you before you leave.” He nodded, and
she left the room as he sat down on the bed next to me. He pulled me up into
his arms.

“Tell
me you found him,” I cried into his chest.

“I
wish I could, but Willow is smart. She knows how to cover her tracks. We won’t stop
though.” Every muscle in his body stiffened with his anger.

“Why
are you here?” I asked, looking up at him. “You said you wanted to stay out
there.”

“I
do, and I will, but I had to make sure you were okay first.” He took his thumbs
on each side of my face and wiped the tears. It seemed to be a never ending
gesture in our lives. “You scared me yesterday with your health issues, but I
got more worried when I talked to you. This is tearing me up, Ellia, I want to
be here for you, but I need to be out there looking for him, too. I can’t do
both. Please, don’t make me have to choose.”

Certain
I heard real resentment in his words, though he was trying to cover it, I got
angry. “I didn’t ask you to come back and hold my hand, Cade. You came here of
your own choosing. I didn’t create a drama to test your devotion, and I don’t
want to be in this fucking hospital. You need not coddle me anymore. Don’t ever
feel like you HAVE to take care of me. You don’t. Yes, I went through a
difficult break-down after the rape, but I am recovered. I’m not suicidal
anymore. I’ve dealt with all that stuff, so stop treating me like brittle
glass. Last night, I was mad as hell, but I didn’t expect you to run to my
bedside. We can disagree without it being the end of the world. My emotions are
heightened at the moment, but I am not losing my mind as you all seem to
believe. Don’t you think any normal mother who had a child abducted might
conduct herself in such an emotional way? Stop worrying about my mental status
and go find our son.”

He
kissed me softly on the forehead, diffusing my anger. “I’m sorry. You have
every right to feel frantic, but I know Cayden is safe. Don’t take my words and
twist them, I am not defending Willow in any way, I just want you to take
comfort in the truth.” He got off the bed and kissed the top of my head. “I
will call you later. I love you.”

I
didn’t respond as he disappeared out the doorway.

I
barely heard from Cade that first week as the search went forward. My breast
milk returned when I resumed a healthy diet, and I pumped it every day, filling
the freezer to near capacity. Most of the agents had moved back to their field
office, save the few left on site for my protection, and my mom stayed on as
well. The subpoena to testify had arrived, putting added pressure on our
situation. The quandary tore Cade in two, wanting to keep on Willow’s trail but
compelled to watch over me. I begged him to stay out looking for Cayden, or I’d
never forgive him.

Lucas,
per Cade’s request, stayed on to watch over us. He spent most of his time in
the house with my mom and me. We developed a real friendship, and he kept me in
the loop as Cade’s phone calls were often short and to the point. Every time he
called, I could hear despair in his tone, and he lost his temper with me in
frustration, more than once. Hearing his voice broke my heart, so I stood stoic
against his anger. I missed him and Cayden so much my soul ached every day, but
I was keeping myself together for both of them. Lucas and my mom were a superb
support system.

The
second week mark came and went with still no trace of my son or Willow. Camerson’s
men had not come for me, yet I’d become as paranoid as Cade had been, always
checking windows and doors, afraid to go outside of my fortress.  I had dark
moments where I’d sit in Cayden’s nursery for hours, contemplating the purpose
of life.
Why does God give us such beautiful things like love and children and
then take them all away just as fast? Does he enjoy human suffering?
I
could never understand the why of it all.

Cade
had not called in two days, and he wasn’t returning any of mine. Agent Fattel
took my mother out grocery shopping, but I refused to join them. Lucas worked
in Cade’s office, and I was grateful to be alone. I needed to wallow in
self-pity for a time longer, and I didn’t need an audience.

A
knock on the door broke my tragic reverie, and I hesitated opening it, never knowing
what fresh hell might wait on the other side, but it was Lucas, as if sensing
my despair and coming to drag me out of the darkness. “Hey,” he said. “It’s a
beautiful day, how about a walk on the beach?”

“Do
you think it’s safe?” I asked, wiping the tears from my eyes.

“I
have security in place, El, no worries. You need to get outside and get some
fresh air.”

I
agreed. The funk I wallowed in needed to end.  I grabbed a coat, and we headed
out. “Thanks Lucas. You always seem to be here when I need you. Do you have a weird
sixth sense or something?”

“No,
but I’ve  gotten to know you. You do pretty well for a while, and then you start
to crack, especially when you don’t hear from Cade. We’ve been together so much
over the last two weeks, I’ve noticed the pattern.”

“Ah,
yes, still unstable, but predictably so,” I said with a smirk. “I guess I’ve
always been that way, I mean the predictable part. Crazy is just my adult
label. Is he all right? He barely talks to me when he calls, and it’s been forty-eight
hours now since he’s called at all,” I sighed. “Does he resent me for this? If
he was with any other woman, his son wouldn’t be missing.”

He
linked his arm in mine. “I won’t lie to you, Cade is a little lost right now.
He is a man possessed, and he’s not taking good care of himself either. But he
blames himself, not you. I have never seen someone shoulder so much guilt,
besides you, of course. He can’t forgive himself for what happened to you, and
now this. Just be patient, though, he will come back to you. I know he loves
you, and until then you have me,” he said with a little hip bump and a smile.

“And
I am grateful, but I wish he’d just let me in, instead of pushing me away. We
should deal with this together. As much as I like you, I wish Cade was here. I
miss him.” We stopped walking and looked out over the water.   

Back
at the house, my mother invited him to stay for dinner. She’d picked up steaks
and insisted she needed his help to grill them. My mom adored Lucas, and I
feared she had a crush on this handsome dark haired man with big brown eyes,
even though he was half her age.

After
dinner, my mom went to take a bath, and I had a cup of tea with Lucas on the
deck. In a strange rare moment, I allowed myself to laugh at something funny he
said just as the French doors open. I assumed it was my mother, but Cade stood
there instead. He looked dreadful, exhausted, and angry.

“Cade!”
I exclaimed, jumping up from my chair and embracing him. He returned a
tentative hug. “Do you have news?”

“Sorry
to interrupt,” he said flatly, looking over at Lucas.

“No
man,” said Lucas, also rising and shaking Cade’s hand. “Glad to have you home. Is
there anything new?”

“No,
I just came home for the night to see Ellia, but apparently she’s doing fine
without me, so I guess I shouldn’t have bothered. You really stepped up, didn’t
you old buddy?” Waves of ire rolled off of him as he looked back and forth at
Lucas and me with accusations in his eyes.

“Hey,”
said Lucas, scowling at Cade. “This whole thing has been hell on her, and you
asked me to watch over her. Don’t be an asshole and imagine shit that isn’t
there. She doesn’t deserve that from you.” There was an awkward silence.

Cade
spoke while I stood shocked at his reaction to seeing me with Lucas. “Whatever
man, it’s cool.”

Lucas
shook his head in disappointment. “I’m going. Thanks for dinner, Ellia. I will
talk to you later.” He brushed past Cade and left the house.

“What’s
wrong?” I asked, searching his face.

“What
do you mean what’s wrong? Everything is fucking wrong, or are you too busy
dating Agent Rodriquez to care that your child is still missing?” he yelled, a vein
popping in his neck.

“How
dare you? How fucking dare you say that to me?” I asked, tears of anger already
rolling. “I have been here all alone for two fucking weeks. You sent Lucas here
to watch over me because he’s one of the few people you trust to protect me.
There isn’t a day that goes by I don’t miss Cayden. Would you have preferred to
come home and find me curled in a corner, locked inside my head again? Is that
what you were hoping for so you could justify what Willow has done? Lucas has
been a good friend to my mom and me … and to you. How could you ever question
my loyalty to you? Worse yet, you have the audacity to question my love for my
son? Well, fuck you!” My body coursed with fury as my fists balled at my sides.
I wanted to strike him in that moment.

He
grabbed me and pulled me into a tight embrace. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I am just
so tired, El; I am so damn tired. I am glad you are doing well because I sure
as hell am not.”

“Don’t
let this one moment fool you because I am hanging on by a thread. I miss Cayden
so much,” I whispered. “My body aches for him. There are days I can barely drag
myself out of bed, or eat, or do anything but cry, but allowing myself to feel
the emotions instead of hiding from them, is what is keeping me sane.” I looked
up in his eyes, and he leaned down and kissed me so hard my lips were crushed.
It was good to hold him again, the rage melted away from us. 

“Cade!”
my mother exclaimed, coming out on the deck. He released me and hugged her.

“Thank
you for staying here with Ellia.”

“I
wouldn’t be anywhere else. Is there any news? Is that why you are home?” she asked
expectantly.

“No,
there’s nothing new. Willow is off the radar at the moment. She has family in
Panama, and that’s where we’ve been. Either they know nothing, or they aren’t
talking. I’m going back in a couple days, but I needed to come home for a break,”
he said, sounding defeated as he put his arm around me.

“Panama?”
I asked, my neck hair standing on end. “My dad is there, right? Oh Jesus, Cade,
is he involved in this?”

“There
is no reason to assume so. Your dad is missing in action, and we’ve had no
leads to his whereabouts as of late.”

“I
swear to God.” My mom looked explosive. “If that son-of-a-bitch is implicated
in this, I will spend the rest of my life hunting him. Death is almost too good
for that bastard, but I will take him out anyway.”

“Easy
Beth,” said Cade. “Like I said, we’ve seen no obvious connection. The location
is coincidental. I’m going to take a shower. We can talk more later.” He kissed
my cheek and patted my mom’s arm as he went inside the house.

“He
looks like hell.” My mom shook her head. “I bet he hasn’t slept but a handful
of hours these past two weeks.”

“I
know. He’s a mess.”

My
mom went to her room, thinking Cade and I needed private time. I sat on the bed
and waited for him to get out of the shower. When he emerged, wearing nothing
but a towel around his hips, I could see he’d lost weight and his color was
pale. I took his hand and pulled him down to me, removing his wet bath towel
and covering him with a blanket. “Get some sleep.” He nodded, and I kissed his
cheek. The deep breaths of slumber came before I even hit the door.

Early
the next morning, I woke up satisfied that my nightmares had not robbed Cade of
his much needed rest. I got out of bed with the stealth of a ninja and joined
my mother in the kitchen for coffee. He didn’t wake again for almost eighteen
hours. I checked on him often, but he remained sound asleep. Lucas called but
didn’t come over, and I apologized again for Cade’s rude behavior. He said he understood,
and all was well.

I
went to Cayden’s room for my daily vigil, and I was in their close to an hour
before I heard Cayden’s door open. Cade came in the room with his hair matted
on one side and standing up on the other. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot. 
He sat on the floor next to me, and I handed him the baby blanket that was already
losing the smell of our missing son. He put it to his face and wept. I slid
down beside him and held him, rubbing his back in gentle strokes. When he
finished, I gave him the Kleenex box which was part of the design in every room
those days.  “I failed him,” said Cade, “and I failed you.”

“No,
you didn’t.” I pulled his chin up to make him meet my tear filled eyes. “You are
doing everything you can … everything.”

He
exhaled with dejection. “Thank you for saying that, but I can’t help the way I feel.
It is good to be home with you. I needed you more than I thought.” He touched
his forehead to mine.

“The
trial is scheduled for next month, and I’ll be in Detroit for a while. Will you
be there for my testimony?”

“Of
course I will be there, and we’ll have Cayden back by then, too.”

“I
hope so,” I said. I wanted to tell him I was afraid for our son to come home
while danger still lurked around me, but that would validate Willow’s reason
for taking him.

Cade
pressed his lips to mine and devoured me with passionate hunger. “I want to
make love to you,” he whispered in my ear as his tongue trailed my neck. “It’s
too soon, I know, but I need you so much.”

“I
want you too,” I said, rolling him over on his back and laying on top of him. He
grabbed my bottom and pressed my hips down on him while kissing me with
abandon. I ground into him feeling every inch of his manhood beneath me. My lips
traveled down his body, and I yanked his sweatpants down along the way. When I
took him in my mouth, he moaned and grabbed my hair.

***

 Cade
spent most of the evening in his office talking to his coworkers on the phone
and then playing his guitar for a while. I watched the sunset alone on the
deck, and my mother retired early, leaving the house to us. It wasn’t necessary,
though, Cade was in his own world, and I was in mine. When it got late, I went
to get him, but he was already asleep on the couch. I covered him with a
blanket and got in my empty bed, already missing him.

I
awoke in the night, screaming from one of my usual nightmares, and found Cade
right next to me, offering comfort.

“Are
you having bad dreams every night again?” he asked, brushing strands of hair
from my face.

“Most
nights,” I said, already dreading waking up alone once he left.

“I’ve
had a few myself, as of late.” He stared into my eyes. “Why does God hate me so
much, El?”

His
question surprised me because it’s the same one I’d asked myself a million times.
He kept talking. “I understand that I deserve his wrath for the things I’ve
done as an adult, but my hell started long before, back when I was just an
idealistic kid with a dream.”

“I
wish I could answer that, but I can’t. You have no idea how many times I’ve felt
the same way. It’s as if we are being punished over and over again, but I can’t
fathom why.”

He
pulled me into his arms, and I rested my head on his cross. We stayed quiet,
neither of us having any soothing words to explain our tumultuous lives. He
reached over and shut out the light, and we fell back to sleep.

When
I woke the next morning, my arm was numb and tingling--asleep. We had not moved
from the position we’d molded into after the nightmare. With careful purpose,
so as not to wake him, I pulled myself out from under him, but he awoke anyway.
“Where are you going?” he asked, letting me free my deadened limb but not allowing
me to get up from the bed.