Faith and Fidelity (14 page)

Evan smiled and walked over to her, gave her a big hug. “Thanks, Helena— and deal. No lustful thoughts.”

They hugged for a long time and Helena felt herself welling up. Evan's face had gone through about fifty different emotions since she'd come down those stairs but the ones standing out in her mind were the tender ones he sent in Matt's direction. The teasing smile. The shy glance when she mentioned “dating.” She wasn't sure if he realized it, but she knew... he was in love, it was written all over his face in big block letters. She squeezed him tighter.

“I'm happy for you,” she whispered. “Truly happy.”

He pulled away slightly and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks, Helena. We uh... we kind of want to keep this quiet for right now.”

“Oh, of course— absolutely. You can trust me.” She sniffed back the emotion that was threatening to pour out. “This is great. For both of you.” She saw Matt standing awkwardly to the side and slipped out of Evan's arms to give him a tight hug. “Really.”

Matt returned the hug. “Thanks, Helena. I don't think we're sure how to do this... kind of a new experience for both of us.”

“New but... good,” Evan said, shaking his head. “A good thing.” Helena caught the look that passed between the two men and it was... beautiful... the only word she could think of was beautiful. It was love and lust and such a tender expression of care she wondered if they had any clue how lovely it was to see...

“So we better get upstairs before the captain asks my mother out,” Helena said, pulling herself together. There were a thousand and one questions she wanted to ask Evan— like,
why didn't you ever mention to me you liked men
, that was on the top of the list— but this wasn't the time, the place, or the circumstances. For all she knew Captain Wolkowski had already gotten her mother's phone number.

“Oh yeah— Vic's working the mojo up there, Helena. You better watch out— could end up with a stepfather... ” Matt warned.

“Oh God. Let's go. Quickly.” The thought of it made her queasy and she practically ran toward the stairs. “Coming?”

“One sec,” Matt said and watched her smile, nod, and head up the staircase. He took the two steps he needed to reach Evan and reached out to touch his face.

“Not so bad... ” Evan said, closing his eyes to lean against Matt's hand.

“Nope,” Matt replied and drew him closer, pulling him against his body, until they were touching the same way as before Helena had come downstairs.

“She took it well.”

“Yeah.” Matt just let his hands stroke Evan's face, then torso. Gentle strokes, nothing demanding or overtly sexual. Soothing him. He felt the tremors running over Evan's skin, knew he had been terrified of what Helena's reaction was going to be. Probably as scared as Matt was.

But she was fine, apparently, and they were fine, at least for another day.

It felt so good to be standing here together, holding each other. The four days they'd spent apart had been hell for Matt— sleeping every night on the new mattress, Evan's scent on the sheets— and then all the people... he couldn't touch him, couldn't kiss him. When he'd been called downstairs he was pleasantly surprised to find Evan leaning against the far wall, a small sexy smile on his face, beckoning Matt over. He hadn't needed to ask twice. And then the kissing... the feel of Evan's mouth— it had taken every shred of Matt's self-control not to tear his clothes off.

“We should go upstairs,” Evan whispered against Matt's neck, his voice soft with pleasure.

“Mmmm... yeah... kick these people out of your house so you can... uh... visit me on the couch.”

Matt felt the vibration of Evan's laugh and almost moaned. If Vic Wolkowski wasn't upstairs putting his overcoat on, Matt was going to lose it completely.

Evan pulled away, his blue eyes bright and almost... feverish. Matt could read the desire on his face. Oh yeah— it was going to be a good visit.

They didn't say another word, and Matt followed Evan up the stairs, back into the kitchen. It amazed him he could still walk.

It was another forty-five minutes before everyone was finally packed up and out the door. Matt stood as far away from Evan as possible at all times, afraid that his face would betray what he was feeling. What he needed so desperately he could barely keep a smile on face.

He said good-bye to Serena and Helena, who hugged him extra long and made several comments about them all having lunch together. He said good night to Vic Wolkowski, made tentative plans for dinner in a few weeks. He watched them all walk out the front door, with Evan calling his good nights and drive carefullies to them. Evan shut the door and turned, leaning against it, smiling.

The house was silent. The kids were asleep. The company was gone.

Evan moved off the door and walked to where Matt was standing at the foot of the stairs. Matt watched him with hungry eyes, moistened his dry lips with his tongue— and saw the flare of heat across Evan's face.

Evan stopped a foot away from Matt, teasing him with a sexy smile, with his mere presence.

“C'mere,” Matt rasped, reaching out. But Evan shook his head.

“Get changed. I'll meet you on the couch in ten minutes okay?”

“Don't be a fucking tease.” Matt was hard as a rock and getting pissed off. He was three seconds away from pushing Evan to the floor.

Evan took a step forward, brushed his body against Matt's, silencing him. “I need to check on the kids, make sure we have our privacy. I need to get out of these jeans ‘cause frankly I may be doing serious harm to myself right now.” he punctuated the remark by pressing himself against Matt's thigh.

“Jesus,” Matt breathed. He couldn't resist a kiss, angling his mouth against Evan, sliding his tongue in to explore.

Breathless and with an almost painful moan, Evan pulled away. “Okay, five minutes. Use the downstairs bathroom.” And he practically ran up the stairs.

Matt counted to fifty, just to calm himself down to the “walking, changing clothes” point. His heart was hammering in his chest. A few weeks ago he would have never imagined being in this state, being aroused and emotional and so...
go ahead Matty
, he thought wildly,
admit it
... So fucking in love he could barely function. And in his entire life, he could never, never have imagined feeling this way toward a man. He got his bag from where it was sitting in the living room, under a table next to the fireplace.

And he saw the picture.

It was tucked behind a lamp, almost completely hidden, but when he leaned down he saw it clear as day. He pulled it out with a shaky hand, staring at Sherri Cerelli's radiant face. She was young— maybe high school? College? She looked gorgeous and sexy, blonde and fresh and... shining. Glowing. He had a pretty good idea who was on the receiving end of the radiance.

This was who Evan had planned to spend the rest of his life with. This was the person whom he loved and cherished. They had made a family together, a home. And if some asshole hadn't killed her, she'd be here right now, probably sitting on the couch with Evan. Talking, kissing, holding one another— the way it was supposed to be. Man, woman, children. Not two men fumbling in the dark, touching each other...

Oh God. Something speared through Matt, something part pain and part desire. He was too selfish to walk away, but this was wrong... wrong... wrong... It was all crashing down on his head.

He didn't realize how long he'd been standing there until he heard a sound behind him. With a sigh he turned, saw Evan standing there in black sweatpants and a tight black shirt. He was barely visible in the darkness. Matt couldn't read his expression.

Matt put the picture down, grabbed his bag and went to go to the bathroom. He wouldn't look Evan in the eye. As he passed, Evan reached out and took his arm.

“Hey. What's wrong?”

Sighed. “Nothing.”

Evan's grip tightened. “The no maudlin shit rule applies to right this second, okay? Tell me.”

Matt's head hurt. His heart hurt. “Your wife was beautiful.”

There was a long, painful silence that Matt hated. He was being a fucking masochist, bringing her up at this moment. Then Evan sighed and Matt was forced to look at his face.

Those incredible eyes were focused on him, intently watching his face— and Evan smiled.

He relaxed his grip on Matt's arm, began caressing him through his shirt. “Beautiful, yeah. Inside and out. You know how much I loved her.” His voice was soft, serious.

Matt felt tired. “Yeah.”

“She's gone and I'll miss her every day for the rest of my life.”

Matt said nothing. All he could feel was the sensation of Evan's fingers, moving up to massage his biceps, his shoulder.

“But I'm here, you know. I'm here and I need to be alive for... for my kids. For me.” His hand moved to stroke the side of Matt's neck. “For... for you.”

It was so still that Matt wasn't sure he was breathing. If either of them were breathing. He couldn't find his voice. The air around them was vibrating with Matt's fear and a shared desire that he swore seemed to get wilder and wilder every time they were near each other.

Evan moved closer, until they were leaning against one another, Matt's head on Evan's shoulder. Evan's voice was barely a whisper again his cheek. “I can't explain my feelings for you. I've only loved, and wanted, one other person in my life. I don't know what's going to happen. Don't know what I can give you... I have so many people depending on me Matt, I don't know what I can risk... But... I wanted you to know this... wanted to tell you... I love you.”

That spasm of pleasure/pain burst inside Matt again, so intense this time he could barely see, breath, hear... in forty-two years he'd never felt this way, never heard those words said with so much emotion, so much truth. All he could do was wrap his arms around Evan's body and pull him close. He was shaking with need. Trembling with unspoken emotion.

“I... I understand if you don't feel the same way... ” Evan's voice was panicked, thick and it broke Matt's heart.

He shook his head against Evan's shoulder. “No,” he croaked out. “No... stop.” He pulled away just enough to move his face, put his mouth against Evan's ear. He traced it with his tongue, sucked his skin. “Tell me why.”

“What?” Evan moaned, his hands clutching at Matt's shoulders.

“Why do you love me?” Matt knew he sounded desperate and childish but he couldn't help it. He wanted to hear why. Wanted to understand how he— Matt Haight— could ever be the person whom Evan would love.

“Why? Because... because you make me feel like the world isn't so fucked up, and you make my kids smile... Because you're the best friend I've ever fucking had... because I want you in a way I never imagined... ”

“Shut up.” Matt's face was hot, burning. “Shut up.”

Evan pulled away to look him in the eye.

“Shut up. I love you too,” he breathed, and then he was kissing Evan as hard as he could, wanting to show him what those words meant. Wanted to please him...

He moved toward the general direction of the couch, disengaging their mouths just to make sure. Evan wasn't being passive this time— he was tugging at Matt's clothes, unbuttoning his shirt halfway then reaching for his belt.

Matt saw the couch was near, pushed Evan down on it. Felt himself harden even more, as Evan looked up at him, surprised, sprawled on his back... reached for Matt but Matt shook him off.

“No,” Matt muttered, hearing the pound of his heartbeat. “No... this is for you... Want you to know... how much... ” He couldn't go on, he didn't have the words. He reached down to stroke Evan's strong jaw, sKathleen his fingers over that beautiful mouth. Trailed his hand down the front of his tight black shirt. Rubbed his flat stomach, the waistband of his sweats. Evan was watching him silently, those silver-blue eyes burning into Matt's face.

He knew what he wanted to do and it frightened him. Frightened him because he'd never had these thoughts before, never craved it. Shaking, Matt pulled the cushions off the couch so they'd have more room... straddled Evan's body, one knee on either side of his thighs. They stared at one another for a long time, then Matt couldn't wait and he leaned down, bracing his arms on the sofa, pinning Evan's arms.

“Trust me.” And then Matt kissed him, hard and frantic, biting his lips. He felt Evan moving underneath him, trying to get free, to touch him.

“No.” He moved his mouth down Evan's throat roughly, hearing his inarticulate groans, wanting more. Matt reached the top of the T-shirt, moaned in frustration.

“I'm going to move my hands,” he whispered hotly in Evan's ear, “but I don't want you to move... ”

Evan let out a rush of air. “Why am I not surprised you're giving orders in bed... ”

Matt laughed hoarsely. “We're on the couch you idiot. And believe me, you're going to enjoy letting me take control right now... ”

He was rewarded with a bite on the patch of skin right below his ear. “You call me a tease,” Evan said.

“Shhhh... you talk way too fucking much, Cerelli.” Matt kissed him again, sucking Evan's tongue into his mouth. He sat up, grabbing the bottom of Evan's shirt and pulling it off. “Move up.”

Smiling, Evan moved back on his elbows, shifted up on the couch. Matt grabbed the waistband of his pants, pulled them down as far as they could. He crooked an eyebrow at his lover.

“You are a boy scout. Nice of you to come prepared.”

“Your turn.” Evan smirked. But Matt shook his head.

“Nope, sorry. Weren't you supposed to be shutting up?” His bantering tone warred with the pounding of his heart. He could taste the desire he had for this man on the tip of his tongue. “I told you not to move— and I meant it.”

Evan nodded, laid back down on the couch, his eyes dark with want.

Matt took a long deep breath. He resumed the kissing, the biting, the claiming of Evan's mouth, neck... moved lower... across his chest, for the first time letting his tongue touch the hard brown nipples— Matt's brain almost exploded at the near-sob Evan choked out.

More... more... more
... Matt chanted in his head. He kept moving, sucking skin. He slid down farther, pushing Evan up, pulling his sweats off at the same time.