Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (34 page)

SarahBeth

I
feel like I'm living my life by counting days. First it was three days from when everything happened - the day I tried to see Jeremy and found out he didn't want to see me. It had been four days when David left to go after Lyric, to try to repair the damage I'd caused.  Then, eight days when David came back from New York, bringing Lyric with him. Sixteen days when I tried again to see Jeremy. Twenty-one days - fitting - when I found out I was pregnant. Now, it's been five days. Five days since my world ended and began again... since I told David I'm pregnant. 

Things haven't changed much, he's still walking around me warily, only the reason for his distance has changed. Instead of avoiding me because he's mad and doesn't want to see me, he's tiptoeing around me because I break down in tears at the slightest provocation. I
hate
this. Deep down, I am
not
"that" girl, the one who cries over everything. I was the girl who went after what she wanted, who
took
what she wanted. I'm not anymore, if I ever really was. I've never been more confused nor less self-assured. 

Listening to David and Lyric's conversation after I escaped upstairs should have made me feel bad, but hearing Jeremy was coming for me gives me
hope
. Hope because he told my brother that without knowing about the baby. But now, standing in front of his architectural firm's offices on Broadway, my stomach is twisted in knots. What if he refuses me
again
? What if he doesn't want to see me, doesn't want to talk to me... how will I handle more rejection?

Taking a deep breath I straighten my shoulders, readying myself for what I'm about to do. My hand is shaking when I grasp the door handle; I want nothing more than to run. I step into the cooler air of the reception area and look around in the hopes that he'll be standing there and I'll know I was supposed to be here today. That taking this bold step and coming here was the right thing to do. I have to know where we stand. I can't take not knowing any longer, all the questions in my head are slowly killing me.

Of course, I'm not that lucky, so this means I have to grovel to the receptionist. She's older than me, but not by a lot... she's closer to Jeremy's age. She narrows her eyes at me and I remember the last time I came here. It wasn't pretty.

I walk in with the same doubts as I did that day, unsure if he will see me this time, or turn me away once more. Not that he actually turned me away the first time. It was one of those "Mr. Meloni left strict instructions that you not be allowed back," conversations with this woman who loathed me pretty much on sight, even though we'd never met before. She was very proud of the fact that she got to inform me Jeremy wanted nothing to do with me. 

The second time, it was an older lady filling in for this younger one. She was much nicer, but it was basically the same thing. Jeremy was busy; he didn't have time for me right then. Promising to take a message and have him contact me, she dismissed me easily; leaving me to spend the rest of the day staring at my phone, hoping it would ring.

Hope can be both wonderful and awful, but the death of hope is just plain
painful
. That day I began seriously doubting Jeremy's love for me. I just couldn't believe that after everything he was
choosing
not to see me, rejecting me once more. Jeremy had become my everything... even though he's everything I shouldn't have. He is the first and only man I've ever loved, my only lover, more my best friend than Livvie and yet he continues to turn me away. It makes me doubt every single thing we've ever been to each other.

Her eyes widen slightly in recognition, she remembers me. That will make the rejection even more humiliating if she tells me I'm still on Jeremy's "don't want to see" list. "Can I help you?" Her voice is so snotty. The condescending way she's speaking to me makes me want to yank her obvious extensions out and claw her eyes out with my now non-existent nails. 

I open my mouth to tell her I'm here to see him when the voice I've been dying to hear asks in disbelief, "SarahBeth?" Squeezing my eyes shut, I turn to face him. When I open them, Jeremy's the only thing I see. I soak in the sight of him, dressed in a navy blue suit, wearing his square black glasses and looking like he's not shaved in a couple days, I say nothing; finally being in his presence has rendered me speechless.

"What are you doing here?" He asks, his voice is stern, his eyes hard and cold and completely different from the Jeremy I know. He doesn't make a move to touch me, but I can't keep myself from moving closer to him. My heart breaks a little when he steps back, keeping the distance between us.

Giving him what I hope is a reassuring smile, I say, "I came to talk to you. I
need
to talk to you. I'm..." my voice breaks and my hand goes to my heart, an unconscious act of self- protection. "I'm so sorry for everything. For not..."

"Stop." Jeremy holds up a hand, looking around us at the curious audience we are attracting. The tension between us is obvious, and everyone likes a real life soap opera. 

Suddenly self-conscious, and fully aware that he's not the person who likes his personal business out there for the world to see, I ask, "Can we talk for a minute? I'll go anywhere you want." I'm close to begging, terrified this isn't going to end well. He doesn't say a word, just nods as he gestures to the hallway where I know his office is.

As we walk past the reception desk, the girl behind it glares at me. It's immature of me, but the nerves fluttering in my stomach and the insecurity I'm feeling comes out as snark. "Guess I don't need your help after all." Her glare deepens and I hear Jeremy sigh behind me.

"Behave yourself, SarahBeth." Then, he says to her, "Hold my calls until I tell you otherwise, okay Tonya?" She nods, smiling widely up at him as he follows me back to his office in a way that makes me want to shank her. I hate feeling jealous over other women. It just reminds me where we were a few short weeks ago. He doesn't speak, doesn't touch me, just follows along behind me, the small distance between us feels insurmountable.

The door shuts behind us audibly, causing me to jump, something that would normally make Jeremy laugh yet he doesn't even crack a smile. Walking around me, he takes a seat at his desk, putting more space and an inanimate object between us. Jeremy's eyes are guarded in a way I've never seen. He's actually wary of me, of why I'm here. The unease I'm feeling ratchets up a notch as he continues to stare, saying nothing to me, waiting to see why I'm here.

Taking a deep breath, I continue where I left off out in the lobby, speaking fast so he can't interrupt me. "Jeremy, I'm sorry I didn't listen, that I didn't tell David right away. I'm sorry I screwed everything up..." My voice lowers to barely a whisper when I ask the question I need the answer to the most. "Can you ever forgive me?"

Jeremy's eyes soften at my question, though he doesn't immediately answer. He just continues to stare at me, searching my face for something, but I don't know what it is. Finally, he sighs heavily, "You don't owe me an apology. I didn't say anything either. I was afraid of what would happen if we told David the truth so I let you talk me into keeping it a secret. I knew better, so there's no need to apologize to me."

Wait. He doesn't blame me? He's not angry or upset with me? Then
why
has he been ignoring me, pushing me away with his silence? It just doesn't make sense. "So you're not unforgivably angry?" I have to ask, because things just aren't adding up for me.

"No Sarah," he begins, shaking his head, "I'm not angry and I don't hate you." I open my mouth to ask
why
then, but he doesn't give me the chance. "That doesn't really change anything though. David hates me, and honestly, I'm sure he's not very happy with you either. He should hate me." He looks away from me before continuing to speak, his words break the little bit of my heart that's still in one piece into tiny little pieces. "I just... I can't go back SarahBeth.
We
can't go back. Our relationship caused so much hurt, for us and for other people. I just can't go through all of that again. I can't risk getting hurt like that again." He doesn't look at me; he keeps his eyes trained on the window beside his desk. My chest feels tight, my stomach is rolling; I just want to collapse into myself. This, right here, is my every fear coming true.

My throat is so thick I don't know if I can get the words out, it takes physical effort not to choke. "What exactly are you saying? Are you telling me you don't want me anymore?" Wracking sobs threaten to take me over and it takes all the self-control I have left to hold them at bay. 

Jeremy's jaw tightens, but he doesn't answer me. The fact that my emotions are all over the place and my hormones are bouncing around inside me doesn't help to keep me calm. I stand, practically vibrating as I stare at him, horrified at what he's telling me. "Do I not mean
anything
to you?" When he still says nothing, I completely lose my composure. "I know you went to see my brother. I know you told him that you were going to come after me!"

Those words get his attention. His head whips around and his eyes meet mine, still shuttered so I can't see what's going on in his head. Even after everything that happened before, we've never been this disconnected; he's never been this distant. That, was my final play. If he doesn't take back his words, we're over and I'm doing this alone, which means there's no reason to tell him about the baby. What would be the point? So he can return to me out of guilt and then resent me later?

"He told you about that?" Jeremy's voice is pained, his jaw set and I know deep inside that this is going to end with us on opposite sides. I just don't know why, I don't understand it, but I know he's going to push me far enough away that this will be the end, of everything we were and everything we could have been.

Deciding to tell him the truth, at least about this, I say, "Not exactly. I heard him tell Lyric what you said." His eyes close briefly, but not before I see a flash of pain... pain that gives me hope for just a second that he's going to take it back. But then, he takes a deep breath, as though steeling himself to do something he really doesn't want to do.

"I had planned to come after you, but..." Jeremy clears his throat before meeting my tear-filled gaze. "But then, I realized that the best thing I could do for you
and
your brother would be to let you go. You deserve so much better than me, Little Bit." 

The use of the endearment causes my heart to squeeze painfully in my chest. "Jeremy," I plead, "I don't
want
anyone but you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I
love
you. Can't you see that?" Tears are falling unchecked down my cheeks now, but I don't move to brush them away. I keep my eyes on his; waiting for him to have some sort of reaction, but there's nothing. It's like he's not even there. The brief flash of pain that was there moments ago is gone and he's closed himself off from me again. I sway from the intense pain of his coldness, "So that's it then?" I ask quietly.

Jeremy just continues to watch me, his hands folded on top of his desk and the only indication that he's feeling any emotion is the way he's clenching his hands together, his knuckles white. Unable to look at him anymore, and desperate to get out of here before I make an even bigger fool of myself, I turn to leave. As I start to open the door, his low voice stops me, but I refuse to turn around. I don't want to see him looking at me with pity or regret. I just want to get out of here, to go home and lick my wounds. "I'm sorry SarahBeth. This isn't how I wanted things to happen."

Looking down at my feet, I say, "Yet here we are. You didn't want things to happen this way, but
you're
the one who's doing this." Taking a deep breath, I open the door and raise my head high. I don't want his last memory of me to be of a broken, pitiful girl begging him to take her back. "I will always,
always
love you, but I will
never
forgive you for this. Goodbye Jeremy." I pull the door shut quietly behind me before resting my head against it.

Brushing the tears from my cheeks and hoping I don't look like a raccoon, I walk away, pausing only when I hear the sound of glass breaking coming from Jeremy's office. I chance a look back at the door, but it doesn't open and I don't hear anything else. Hurrying past the front desk, I make it out the door and back to my car. I barely get the door shut before the sobs start coming in waves and I can barely see. Knowing there's no way I can drive like this, I send a quick text to Lyric, ironically the only person I want to be around right now.

U busy?

Not really. What do you need?

A ride. Came 2 c Jeremy. BAD!

Seconds later, my phone rings. "Where are you?" 

I give Lyric the address of the parking lot I'm in and she promises to have Anna bring her right over. Luckily, the building she works in is close so she'll only be a few minutes. I move over to the passenger seat to wait. Anna drops her off and when she sits down, she looks over at me, her face immediately softening.