Every Soul (4 page)

She smiles turning to me. “I know it’ll happen and I’ll be your number one fan, cheering you on all along. You can always count on me to be at every game…”

“How are you holding up?” my father asks me, patting my back. His touch brings me back to the present – to reality.

“Fine. How’s Mom?”

“I’m not sure. She locked herself in our room. So what are you planning on telling Coach Daniels?”

“I don’t know, Dad.”

“Well, how do you feel about things?”

“I’m just done faking like I care about basketball. That was who I used to be. I guess I’ll be honest and tell him that I’m done with ball. I have enough credits to graduate, so I’m not worried about that. I just don’t have the ambition anymore. I honestly don’t even think I could make a basket if I tried.”

“Come on, son. You’re the leading rebounder and scorer on your team. You know that your talent is natural and God-given. It’s not something you’ve learned or been taught. It’s just what you were born with. Since you could bounce the ball, you could drain shots.”

I sit up off of my sister’s bed and know what my dad wants. He wants me to go back to school. He wants me to graduate with the rest of my class and get drafted into the NBA. He wants me to go back to everyday life like he has. Well, I can’t. We all can’t move on like he has. I don’t know how he does it, but he does. It’s not that I resent my dad. It’s just he copes with things differently than I do, therefore I don’t think he can really relate to the pain that I’m feeling.

“I hear you, Dad, I really do. But…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to play with the passion I once had. It died the day Kinsey did.”

Nodding his head, the look of disappointment is as prevalent as ever. Then the doorbell rings. He stands and says, “I’ll let him in. Just come down when you’re ready and please know that I support whatever decision it is that you make. You’re my only son and I love you.”

I nod my head. “I love you too,” I respond, running my hands over my face.
You can do this. Just be fucking honest.
Before going downstairs, I stop in the bathroom and splash my face with water. God, I want to take some pills so badly, even one would take the edge off. As I emerge, I hear not only my dad, but a few of my teammates.
Fuck. Fuck! He’s really bringing out all the tricks.

Walking into the hallway, I glance at my mom’s bedroom door, still shut. I’m sure she’s passed out. I snag my Starbucks out of the drink holder at the bottom of the stairs and plaster on my best fake smile and
positive
attitude. “Hey, guys,” I announce and everyone turns to me.

Trenton and Kohan, who are not only my teammates but also my dormmates, run over and both tackle me, almost taking me down just to give me a hug. “What’s up, man? Kohan asks.

“Not much, how ’bout you guys?” I ask.

“Getting ready to impress some scouts when we play Virginia. You’re gonna join us, right?” Trenton asks.

“I—”

My coach cuts me off. “Now, now, boys, we came here for dinner. Let’s at least eat first before we pressure Bain into anything.” We exchange a glance and it takes everything I have to hold it together. The last time I saw him was at Kinsey’s funeral. “How are you?” he asks, embracing me tightly.

I don’t respond, instead I just nod my head. The doorbell rings right as we separate. “That’s dinner,” my dad announces.

Of course he ordered in. That’s all we do anymore. “How are things?” I ask him.

“Definitely not the same without you,” Coach says.

“What he means is we suck!” Trenton interjects.

I chuckle at their remarks.

“We don’t suck,” Coach Daniels adds. “Things have just been…challenging. Enough about us and basketball, boys. How are you guys holding up?”

“We’re doing the best we can, considering,” my dad says taking out the containers of food and spreading them on the table. “Time has helped a bit, but the pain is still tremendous.”

“Always will be,” I mutter under my breath.

“I can’t imagine. It’s so horrible to think about what she went through,” Coach says.

I stay quiet as my blood starts to boil. Why are we talking about this now? I thought this was the last direction that the conversation would have gone in.

“I can’t imagine losing my little sister,” Kohan says.

I shoot out of my chair and head straight to my room. Fuck being sober. I can’t do this shit. As I walk away, I feel everyone’s eyes on me, but I don’t look back. The minute I’m in my bathroom, I open the drawer I keep my pills in and stare at the array of bottles, contemplating which to take.

I decide on a few Xanax. They have been doing me good since Jamison hooked me up, and I function well on them, plus no one will know. Although, I do love the Hydro, they really amp me up. Since my anxiety is already through the fucking roof, that’s the last thing I need. Swallowing a few small, white bars, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. It’s as if the person looking back at me isn’t me. My eyes aren’t the same; they’re…empty.

What have I gotten myself into?
That’s all that floods my mind as I leave Brady’s. I caved when I saw his sexy ass at a bar last night and…fuck. I…I stayed the night with him. I haven’t stayed the night with anyone since I lost Nate.

Jesus, I’m such a fucking hypocrite. All I can think about is Nate and how it feels like I’ve betrayed him. How did I end up in this situation? This will be the last time for sure. As soon as the thought crosses my mind, that ass texts me,
Last night was amazing. You are something else, Arion.

A surge of nausea creeps up my throat.
Oh, what have I done?
I really hope Aubrey is home; I’m going to need her help to get him off my back. Our apartment isn’t far from his and within a few minutes, I’m home.

It’s early as fuck and I feel bad waking Aubrey, but I have to. Peeking into her room without knocking, I’m surprised by what I see. She’s definitely not sleeping. There’s someone with her in bed and they are going at it. Quietly I close the door, not letting them know I saw a thing. Undecided on how to handle Brady, I hop in the shower, hoping that will make me feel a little better.

As I wash away the guilt from last night, it still doesn’t change the fact that it’s done and I can’t go back. As much as I’m pissed with myself, my mind stays on Nate. I miss how good it felt to be in his arms. God, when I was with him, everything was so fucking perfect. I just wish it could all go back to that. Tears gloss over my eyes and a lump forms in the back of my throat.

I know why I stayed last night. As much as I want to blame it on the alcohol, it wasn’t that. I wanted to feel what I had with Nate, with Brady, but it’s not there and never will be. I have to accept that I’m meant to lead a single life.

My phone vibrates again, so I decide to turn it off. My best course of action against Brady is to simply ignore him; it’s what I usually do when I’m done with a guy. Crawling into my bed, exhaustion smacks me in the face…

“God, you’re so beautiful,” Nate says, nestled deep inside of me. Both of us are panting from the sex and the anticipation that we might get caught. We’re on the beach and the sun is long gone. The only thing that lights the night sky is the moon peeking in and out of the clouds.

“I love you,” I whisper.

“I love you more,” he says leaving a trail of kisses down my neck, nipping and sucking along the way.

Even though his mouth is heavenly, my mind gets away from me. I need to ask him if he’s heard any news. Then again, I’m terrified to know. Sometimes living in the dark is better than facing reality.

“What’s wrong?” he asks knowing me so well.

“Nothing,” I respond, shaking my head.

“Come on, A, I know you. Talk to me.”

Swallowing hard, I look into his eyes, searching for the strength to speak. “Have you heard anything on when you’re getting deployed?”

Scrunching his eyebrows, he looks at me and shakes his head. “No. Come on, A, you promised me not tonight. You said we wouldn’t talk about that stuff.”

“I know…it’s…it’s just I have to know when I’m going to lose you.”

“You’re never going to lose me, baby. No matter if I go or not, I’m yours,” he says, taking my hand and pressing it against his chest. “Forever, you hear me?”

I nod my head, reminding myself that I have to stay positive. For us. As we watch one another, so close together and connected, I feel his dick begin to stir again. The sensation alone causes me to crash my lips to his, taking in his tongue when he seeks entrance and letting him invade my mouth.

In that moment our worlds blend together. Everything we are becomes one. I can’t control the future, or what’s going to happen. But what I can do is cherish him in this moment while we have each other.

Nate’s movements become urgent, as does his mouth, kissing, sucking, nipping, and biting everywhere he can, matching his rhythm. The affection drives me close to climax. I moan in bliss, wrapping my legs tightly around his waist, and weave my fingers into his hair.

I hold on with everything I have, allowing him to take me on this ride. I’m so close that I drop my legs, letting my heels dig into the sand. Nate’s arms hold me tightly against him, as surges of bliss rock my body.

“Let go, A,” he whispers…

I wake to the reality that Nate is dead. A weight drags me down as I begin sobbing into my pillow…again. I do everything I can to stay quiet. I’ve dreamt that dream so many times over the last seven months, and still, I always wake when he says
Let go, A.
That night was one of the happiest of my life – I would give anything to go back.

There’s a light knock on my door and before I can say a word, Aubrey enters. I turn my face into my pillow to let the tears absorb, trying to hide my pathetic outburst. She’s seen me do this more times than I’d like to admit and still I’m embarrassed. “Are you ever going to wake up?” she asks me.

“What time is it?”

“It’s nine.”

“I just got home. I haven’t even slept that long.”

“Dude, it’s nine at night.”

I blink a few times and look at my curtains to see if there’s any light shining in. She’s right, it’s nighttime. “Holy shit, I slept all fucking day.”

“Well, I’m sure you needed it. I tried to wake you earlier but you were out cold. Did you and Brady stay up all night?”

I get out of bed and head into the bathroom, avoiding her question. I don’t want to get into things right now or admit that I stayed the night, not with how emotional I am and just waking up from that dream. We can talk about Brady later. For now, I’ll avoid him.

“Who was in your bed this morning?” I ask, wanting to change the subject.

“Rodney – he’s a total hottie. He wants to go out again tonight. Are you up for that?”

I glance at her for a brief second. She’s sitting on the edge of my bed, her long, brown hair is curled to perfection and her makeup is already done. I can’t let her down, not looking like that. Plus, I don’t want to get back in that bed and risk another dream.

“Fine, give me about thirty minutes and I’ll be ready, okay?”

“Cool, I’ll let the guys know.”

“Guys?” I question.

“Yeah, Rodney and his friends.”

I smirk, shaking my head, and retreat into the bathroom. It doesn’t take me but a few minutes to flat iron my hair leaving it long and down. Then I apply a little make up and head into my closet. Fuck it, I go for comfort, putting on a pair of black leggings with a soft, thin, gray, long-sleeved t-shirt and ankle boots.

Grabbing my purse, I throw on a matching beanie and pull my long, blonde hair over my shoulders. Upon entering the living room, Aubrey is in a black dress with hot pink heels.
She’s so Jersey.

“Ready?” I ask.

“Yup,” she responds hopping off of one of our bar stools.

“You’re driving,” I remind her, shrugging my coat on.

It’s not long ’til we are pulling into the lot of Pat’s, a local Jersey bar. Aubrey’s phone beeps with a new text message. “They’re here,” she responds and we head inside.