Ever the Same (26 page)

Audie got Dixon to his chair, and Randi was already explaining. “Okay, biscuits are at noon o’clock. Chickens are at six o’clocks. Onion rings are at….”

She looked at him with wide eyes and Grainger said, “Nine!”

“Right, nine o’clocks, and briskets are on the three.”

“Got it.” Dixon nodded. “Now, can I have some coleslaw?”

“Yes, Daddy.”

“I’ll do it!” Grainger grabbed the spoon. “How much?”

“I like coleslaw.”

“Put it in the middle.” Randi pointed.

Audie watched, letting them serve Dix, but making sure he could intervene if they went nuts.

Grainger plopped a huge spoonful, right in the center of the plate, looking proud as hell. It was weird, the four of them, at a dinner table together. Weird and wonderful.

They got the kids set up with food, and Audie pulled out drinks for everyone.

“Orange Coke!” Grainger hooted. “For us?”

“Randi picked them out special. She’s got your back. Beer or Coke, Dix?”

“I’ll have whatever you’re having.”

“Cool.” He got Dix a Shiner. He’d gotten two cold ones at the store.

Dixon sniffed. “Oh God. Shiner. You rock.”

“I figured you might miss it.” The food smelled so good.

“I have. It’s perfect.” Dixon lifted his bottle. “Cheers?”

Audie clinked his bottle against Dixon’s, and the kids gently did theirs too. So cute. Then they all dug in, the formalities over. Dix did so much better when no one else was around.

Dixon talked with both kids, just happy as a lark, chattering away. Audie could see where Randi got it, the ability to just natter about nothing. God, he wanted to keep them, to make this work.

Dixon reached over, fingers finding his thigh. The touch was gentle, less erotic than comforting. He put his hand over Dixon’s, holding on, and Dix just grinned, looking happy as a pig in shit.

“Are you going together with Daddy, Mr. Dixon?” Grainger asked, making Audie cringe.

Before he could say anything, Randi nodded. “Your daddy says my daddy is his boyfriend.”

“Oh.” Grainger looked at him, frowning a little, but nothing scary. “Okay. That’s good, right?”

“Uh-huh. Both daddies are nice.” She sounded so sure, so confident. “Your daddy can drive, my daddy plays guitar, my daddy can sound like a chicken, your daddy knows about horses. It’s good.”

Dixon was fixin’ to lose it. Audie could tell. He could feel the tension in Dixon’s hand, his leg.

“We’ll talk in a bit, Grainger. I promise,” Audie said.

“Okay, Daddy. I like Dix just fine. Can you really make a chicken noise?”

Dixon just cracked up, laughing happily, leaning into Audie’s side. Audie couldn’t wait to hear the chicken noises himself.

Dixon took a deep, deep breath and started clucking away. He’d be goddamned. That was dead on.

Grainger started clapping. “Go Dix!”

Randi just whooped with laughter.

“I can do a turkey call,” Audie said.

“Oh, show us!” Dixon clapped happily, the look just….

God.

Were they a family? Audie thought they might be.

That was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

Chapter 21

Okay, the
weirdest thing he’d ever done was walk into Ron’s bedroom with Audie. He was trying to be so totally cool, almost blasé, but….

God.

He didn’t remember what the comforter looked like, what was on the bedside tables. Was Ron’s toothbrush still sitting there? The green bottle of cologne?

“Are you okay, babe?”

“This is so fucking weird, man. Do you feel wigged?”

“Oh thank God.” Audie chuckled. “I do. It’s all so perfect. And there are naked dudes on the walls.”

He frowned, then cackled. Those were from their friend, Tom. A commitment ceremony present. “Jesus Christ. I’d forgotten about them. We should totally sell them if you don’t like them.”

“They just surprised me, is all. I’m used to having to hide it, you know? They’re pretty.”

“They were. Are. I don’t know how to be here and be blind, Audie.”

“We’ll figure it out.”

He was trying hard not to let his panic get the better of him. “Thank you. I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me too.” Audie wrapped those arms around him, holding him tight. He stepped in, took the strength and the support Audie offered.

Warm. That hard body was so warm.

Oh now. That was better. He took one deep breath after another, hands sliding up and down Audie’s back. The tension drained out of both of them, leaving them leaning on each other. They ended up sitting on the end of the bed, hands moving restlessly.

“Grainger okay?”

Audie nodded against his head. “Yeah. We’ll see what happens the first time someone not one of us brings it up.”

“If you want to stay in the closet….” He would do that for Audie.

“No. No, I just have to figure out what’s next.”

“Yeah. Yeah, we do. I mean, I’m going to have to decide what to do.” Dixon felt as if he might crack into a million pieces.

“Tomorrow. Tonight we need to sleep. Maybe watch a little TV.” Audie sounded exhausted, worn out.

Maybe this whole thing was a mistake….

“Are you worried?” Audie asked.

“I’m scared.” That was the most honest he could be.

“So am I.” Audie chuckled. “I mean, I feel like the world is spinning too fast.”

“Yeah. Yeah, everything…. God, it’s crazy, and I’ve put your whole world on a spin.”

“It’s been good, mostly. Sometimes a little terrifying.” Audie tugged him to sit on the bed. “Is this weird for you? Do we need to hit a guest room?”

“It is and it’s not. I can’t see it, so it’s both weird and not weird, you know?”

“It’s very clean. Neat. It looks like no one ever lived here. No clothes or shoes.”

“Well, most of those are gone, I think. I mean, Ron was a super modern guy, and we hired Aimee to do the inside.” Dixon grinned, remembering how scared she’d been, how new. “She was just out of school—a bartender at one of the clubs I played in—and we were her first clients. She was terrified, and us? We just agreed to everything.”

“Yeah?” Audie chuckled. “I wondered….”

“She was so proud, so excited. She threw Randi’s baby shower, used us in her portfolio.”

“Wow.” Audie just sounded amused now. “I’ve never met a designer.”

“This is a college town. You’ll meet all the types.” There was someone that did something everywhere.

“Yeah. I mean, the closest thing we ever had at home was the lady who did the banquets at the church.” Audie started tugging Dixon’s clothes.

“Yeah. Well, you’ve seen my folks’ house, and I assume Mom still has the glow-in-the-dark elephant, and I know Dad will die loving his dogs-playing-poker picture.”

“They do have a unique style,” Audie agreed.

“They’re giant dorks that were born a touch too late to be hippies.”

“And mine are like some weird sitcom.”

“Yeah. Yeah, exactly.” He was never going to be able to live in this house. The thought was sudden, surprising, and violently painful.

He’d always assumed that he would come back here, somehow. But with the pool, the kids, the stairs, the lack of public transportation out here….

“Hey.” Audie pulled him close again and hugged him tight, skin warm against his, both of them mostly bare. “Are you okay?”

“Just… I guess I’m tired.” And he didn’t know what to do. God, he just felt utterly fucking overwhelmed, and this was supposed to be like a vacation.

“Want to shower?”

“Yes. Yeah, you’ll come in with me?” He knew this whole thing with the kids was going to be weird. What if one of them walked in on them? Saw them naked? Touching? Making love?

God, he’d talked about this with Ron. His Ron.

“Dix?”

“Yeah?” He was shorting out. He couldn’t breathe.

“We can take a shower tomorrow. I mean, we can just listen to the TV.” Audie stroked his back.

“No. No, I’m just being an idiot. Please. I need to just remember how to think.”

“Okay. Shower might shake the cobwebs.”

“Yeah. Yeah. This whole thing is fucked-up.” And, if he was honest, he was worried that he’d smell Ron, lose it.

Audie took his hand and drew him to the bathroom.

He reached out for the light, the motion instinctive. When his fingers found it, he gasped with shock. He still knew.

When the click of the light happened and he only saw the black lighten to gray, it was like waking up in the hospital all over. He knew this, though, and it only made him shudder. Every time he encountered something familiar, he did this.

Audie didn’t say anything, just started the water, got towels out. He heard cabinet doors open and shut.

There’d never been another man in this shower with him.

“I think Ron would have liked you. He would have said you were solid.”

“Would he?” Audie kissed his temple before helping him into the shower. “I don’t know much about him. I feel like I ought to.”

“He was a good dad, a good guy. He was driven. He wanted what he wanted, and he got it.” They’d been very different people.

“I must seem so laid-back I don’t have a pulse.”

“You seem like you listen, like you hear me. I know I talk a lot, and I’m so fucking needy, but you still listen.”

“Oh, honey.” Audie stepped into the spray with him. “I don’t think you’re needy. I think you got a raw deal, sure, but you’re hellacious brave.”

“I love that you believe that about me.”

“I know it.”

He smelled it when Audie popped the top on the shampoo. Audie had brought some from home—it smelled like the ocean, like the wind a little bit, and it made him smile. Ever since Dix had told Audie he liked the smell, that was Audie’s go-to.

Dixon breathed deep, reminding himself how lucky he was to have someone like Audie.

“I love that smile,” Audie murmured. “Just love it.”

Dixon chuckled. “You make me happy.”

“Even when the other stuff stresses you out?”

“Maybe especially when the other stuff stresses me out. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work?”

“I think it is.” Audie hummed, hands gentle on his skin.

“I do too.” He loved how they could touch each other, hold on, and it made things better.

“Good.”

“Yeah.” He reached up, fingers working the suds into Audie’s short, short hair.

Audie hummed for him, a pleased sound, and leaned into his touch. His fingers pushed in, massaging, loving on Audie the best he could. Sometimes Dixon wanted to scream with how much he wanted to see Audie’s face.

He guessed that no one saw Audie quite like he did, though.

“Audie, love?”

“Yeah?”

“What does Grainger look like?”

“Uh. Well, I guess he looks a lot like me. He has dark eyes where I have blue, but he has my nose. My chin.”

Dixon touched Audie’s face, imagining. “Yeah. Yeah, I get that.”

He did, and it made him grin. In his head he could see the way that Grainger’s mouth would purse when he was frustrated or focused on something. How the deep furrows would come in Grainger’s forehead.

God, Grainger must be a cute little one.

It boded well for his music career.

“Can you tell how much Randi has grown?” Audie asked.

“Sometimes. Sometimes she hugs me, and I go ‘Wow. She’s tall.’ Mostly no. Mostly it’s how sophisticated she is, how opinionated.”

“I wish I could help you see her. She’s so pretty, babe.”

“Do you think it’s weird that it’s getting easier? I mean, should I be getting madder? More mad? You know what I mean.”

“No, I think you’re moving on.” Audie paused, and he felt like he could hear it when Audie figured out that the showerhead detached.

He chuckled, and Audie tweaked a nipple. “You laughing at me?”

“Uh-huh. I can hear your gears whirring in your brain.”

“Well, this is exciting. I’ve only ever seen these in movies.”

“You should explore, then. It made bathing Randi so much easier when she was a toddler.”

“I bet. Giving Grainger a bath was a trial. Now I can’t get him out of the water,” Audie said, rinsing Dixon’s hair.

“They still like to play. Girls play with Barbies in the tub.”

“Do they? Boys splash a lot. Do Navy SEAL shit.”

“Oh God. I remember doing that. Me and Dan, we had wind-up boats, and we played in the tub for hours.”

“I taught myself to swim in the tub. All my sisters knew how but no one would teach me.”

“Oh, I can imagine that. Sweet little Audie splashing in the tub.”

Audie hooted. “I was a little butthead.”

“So was Dan. Me? I was an angel.”

“Uh-huh.” Audie grabbed his ass. “I bet.”

He jerked forward, laughing hard. “Practically perfect in every way. Mom had three more, didn’t she?”

“She did. Maybe she was trying to get another you, huh?”

“Shit.” Lord, he sounded like Audie. Shee-it. Someone was rubbing off on him. Oh, rubbing off was fun. This was nice, though, this showering. Not really sexual, but intimate.

“Oh, very nice. Almost redneck. Grace would be proud.”

“Do you think she’d like me, given a chance?” Dixon worried that Audie’s people hated him.

“She already does. She says you’re a great dad.”