Ever the Same (23 page)

“I get it. We’ll have some ice cream.”

“I’d like that. Please,” Dixon said.

“Cool.” Audie reached over and touched his wrist.

“I didn’t freak out.” It seemed important to point out.

“You didn’t. I’m proud.”

“Thanks, babe.”

“We just need to—I mean, I know I’m poking in.”

Dixon turned his hand, joining their fingers. “No. No, if we’re going to be an ‘us,’ there’s no poking. I mean….”

He started laughing, the noise hysterical.

“Okay. Well, then we need to figure out how to get you more up to speed. Austin first.”

“Austin. When can we go?” He was ready. He wanted to take the kids in the morning and just drive.

“Let’s go tomorrow.”

“Okay. Yes. Please.”

“Yeah.” Audie sounded determined, he thought. Decided. “I’ll bring you home tomorrow to get clothes. You want to stay with me tonight?”

“If it’s okay, yeah.”

“More than.”

“I don’t want to get you in trouble with your folks.”

Audie snorted hard. “I’m sick of worrying about that.”

Yeah. Yeah, he’d bet so. He’d bet Audie was chafing at the bit to just… be something. Do something. Anything.

Poor Audie, saddled with him.

“Stop it,” Audie snapped.

“Stop what?” What had he done?

“Putting yourself down, and don’t say you’re not. I can see it on your face.”

Sometimes it sucked that Audie could see.

Most of the time it rocked. He grinned a little. “I can’t help it. I’ll try not to, though,” Dixon said.

“Good. You’re amazing. You’ve got this.” Audie was the best cheerleader, his voice full of belief. Made Dixon feel like he might actually have this.

“Thank you.” For everything. Everything.

“You’re welcome. We can kinda just relax.”

“Yeah. I could manage that.”

“You think? Watch a movie, maybe?”

Dixon loved that Audie didn’t worry about that, about saying “watch a movie” with him. “Sounds like a perfect way to spend an evening.”

“Cool. I have munchies and all. Duke will try to steal yours, but you’re used to that.”

Yeah. God knew the dachshunds took advantage.

“I am. You have the same phone I do, right? If I need to charge?”

“I do,” Audie agreed. “We’re compatible.”

“Totally.” Weird as it was.

Audie touched his leg, hand warm and heavy. “Better?”

“Yeah. Yeah. It’s better, just knowing we’re heading out of town for a couple three days, going somewhere good.” His phone started to ring, and he grabbed it. “Hello?”

“Dude, you’ve got Mom in a total panty twist. Good for you!”

“Dan.” Oh thank God.

“Yep. Man, she’s calling me, wanting me to tell you how helpless you are.” Dan sounded amused.

“Yeah, that’s me. Helpless boy.”

“Tell me it’s true, you’re going back to Austin.”

“We’re going tomorrow. Me and Audie and Randi and Grainger.”

“Good deal. Just to visit, or to stay?” Had it been that long since he’d spoken to Dan?

“To visit, right now. I need…. I want you to meet Audie and his boy, Dan. I want to talk to you in person.” His little brother was his sounding board.

“Cool.” Dan hmmmed a bit. “My next leave is—oh, never? I’ll holler as soon as I know, though.”

“That works. Hell, maybe one day you’ll find some other way to risk your life as a civilian.”

“That’s never going to happen.”

“Never say never, Bro. What if you find a nice boy?” He grinned, waiting for the explosion of denial. Dan hated the idea of settling down.

“Fuck off, man. Go blow your cowboy and send more fucking e-mails.”

“I will. I’ll keep you posted.” He wasn’t going to share any details about the blowing, though.

He’d save that for an official, in person, gross-out party.

The thought made him grin.

“Love you, bud,” Dan said. “I have to go.”

“Love you, man. I’ll e-mail. Be safe.”

The phone went dead, and the sudden swell of emotion shocked the living fuck out of him.

“Hey, you okay?”

Shit, he’d almost forgotten Audie was there.

“Yeah. Yeah, I just…. My brother. You know. I just…. I’m cool.”

“You’re close.” They turned off the main road.

“We are. He’s my best friend, you know? He’s always been there, and he’s queer too, so he gets me.”

“That had to be cool. My best friend, well, I thought he got it, but he didn’t.”

“You were passing as straight then, yeah?”

“I was. I was so into him.” Audie laughed, the sound holding a bitter edge.

“Oh, love, that sucks, so hard.” He’d never been in the closet, not really. “Did you ever get to…?” He waved his hand in the international sign of “you know.”

“Oh, he was happy to play as long as there was a girl with us. He’d fucking devour me when he thought it didn’t matter.” Audie just laughed. “But I never got to just be me with anyone until you.”

“I’d fucking devour you anytime. I’m not ashamed of the way you make me feel.” He couldn’t imagine letting someone you cared about believe you were ashamed.

“I’m glad. I got a real thing for you.”

“Good. When I lost Ron, I thought…. Well, shit, I don’t know that I did think. I thought my life was over.”

Audie touched his leg. “Come on, honey. Inside. We’ve got a lot to learn, still. About all of this.”

It felt like he had an entire new life. Was that insane?

Whatever it was, he was ready to fight for it.

Chapter 17

Audie had
left Dixon snoozing on the couch with Duke and headed up to see his mom at the main ranch house. He had to give them some notice he was leaving in the morning, get someone to take care of his chores and all.

Dad was due home for a couple of weeks on Tuesday, so it shouldn’t be an issue.

He still dreaded telling his mom. She was gonna have a hissy.

“Hey, Son. Everything okay? You tore out of here like a bat out of hell.” Mom was sitting on the sofa, crocheting away at an afghan. Lord, those things were itchy.

“Dixon was having a little trouble.” He took a deep breath. “We’re gonna head to Austin tomorrow for a few days.”

“Whatever for? Are you taking Grainger?”

“We are. Randi too.” He wasn’t gonna explain himself. He was an adult.

“Are you sure that’s wise?”

“Nope. Gonna do it anyway.” He just needed to start out like he could hold out.

“Why? What do you hope to gain?”

Freedom
. The thought popped up, and he winced. He loved the ranch, loved his folks, but he was so damned tired of hiding and pretending and being disapproved of. He wanted a life of his own. He wanted Grainger to know he was proud of who he was.

Maybe with Dixon he could have that. Or learn how to try.

“Son? What are you going to gain, driving four hours for a blind man?”

“You think that’s all he is to me?” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Oh, Momma.”

“Don’t. Don’t do this to yourself, Son. He’s… well, you know. And he’s never going to be anything, not ever. Don’t saddle yourself with that.”

Audie stared at her. She never looked up from her work, her crochet needle moving furiously.

“I love you, Son. I want what’s best for you, for you and Grainger.”

“Then let me do this without trying to make me feel bad about it.”

“I’m trying to understand it.”

Audie sighed. “Will you look at me, at least?”

She looked up at him, met his eyes, and shit, she looked worried.

Audie smiled to ease the sting she had to be feeling. “I love you, but I need a chance at a different kind of life.”

“Where? In Austin? In the big city? Son, what are you doing to do there? You’re a cowboy.”

He knew that. Training horses was all he was good at. Austin was still Texas, though. People had to have horses there.

“I have to try, Momma,” Audie said.

“Have to try what?” Grace came in, phone in her hand. “I was just talking to the mister. He wants to come home.”

“Good.” Audie grinned. “He can take the ranch for a while.”

“What? You’re leaving?”

“He’s not leaving,” Mom snapped.

Audie stared at her until she firmed her mouth at him but dropped her eyes.

“I’m going to Austin for a bit tomorrow. Few days.”

“Oh. Oh cool. You taking Grainger?”

“Yep.” He shrugged a little, feeling weird as hell.

“Neat. Take lots of pictures.” Grace smiled at him. “You want a beer?”

“I’ll take a rain check, honey.” He went to hug her, needing to thank her for just supporting him.

She kissed his cheek. “You go for it, honey.”

“Thanks.” Audie turned back to his momma. “I’ll get E.W. to stop by until Daddy gets home. I’ll be back in a few.”

Momma didn’t answer, but what was he supposed to do? Rot here without someone to love him? Just sit and pay and pay for getting Marina pregnant?

No. He was done with that martyr bullshit. He waved at his mom and sister and headed back down to his little house.

He could see Dix through the window, moving around slowly, carefully exploring the front room. Audie stopped to watch for a moment, wanting Dix to feel safe in his place, comfortable. Brave.

Dix went from television to bookshelf to doorway, fingers out and learning, lips moving as he talked to himself. The man needed a shave and the long heavy braid was crooked, but Dixon seemed like a shot of color in a black-and-white movie.

He was so damned pretty he made Audie’s belly hurt.

Duke barked, knowing he was outside, which made Dix jump. Caught.

Dix smiled, though, the expression eager, excited. That look was for him.

God, Audie loved that man.

He clomped inside, walking right up to Dix to grab him in a hug.

“Mmm. Hey.” Dixon lifted his face, found his lips unerringly.

The kiss left him speechless for a moment, the slide of lips and tongues stunning him. Then he remembered what he was doing and held on, tugging Dix close. He kissed that mouth, then nibbled Dixon’s lower lip.

“You okay, honey?” He loved how Dixon paid attention to him, how Dix knew.

“Momma was less than enthusiastic.” Audie chuckled. “No worries.”

“She’s a mom. They only come in worrywart and disinterested.”

“True.” Audie tried to understand her. He did.

“We’ll hook her up with mine. They’ll bitch. It’ll be grand.”

Oh God. His momma and Dixon’s together would be a bit much to bear.

“Shh. It’s okay. That won’t happen. I swear. My mom’s still a townie.”

“I know.” Audie leaned his chin on Dixon’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry that this is hard, Audie. I’m not sorry you’re coming to see the house, though.”

“Me either. I’m tickled.” He had this intense curiosity about Dixon’s former life.

“I’m assuming Grainger’s not here, yeah?”

“Not until morning.” Audie nuzzled Dixon’s temple.

“Oh good. I mean, love him dearly, but….” Dixon stepped close enough that he could see every line, every hint of worry. “I need you tonight, man. I need to touch.”

“You got me any way you want me, babe.” Audie needed it just as badly, the closeness.

“Thank you for coming to get me, love.”

Audie stroked Dixon’s cheek. “I’m sorry you had a snarl.”

“I’m sorry I’m blind, but that’s not going to change.”

“I know. I wish I could make it better, but all I can do is love you.” That had to be enough, right? Audie sure hoped so.

“That’s what I need. Love, good sex, the periodic beer, and someone who loves the kids as much as I do.”

“Well, that fits my resume.” Audie moved toward the bedroom, but Dix held him back.

“I can’t wait to show you and Grainger Austin.”

“I’m ready. Randi excited?”

“I haven’t told her. I didn’t know if we’d really go, and I didn’t want to upset her.”

“Oh, good idea.” Audie got working on all those clothes they both wore. There was something about standing in the front room and getting naked that felt so naughty, but so freeing too. He never would have expected to be able to do this with anyone.

Hell, he never would have expected to have someone reach for him like Dix did.

Audie kissed Dixon again, needing to show this man how he felt. All the things he could never find the words to say. Dixon opened up, kissed him like he meant it, like the world had stopped short and Audie was the luckiest bastard in it.

He held on, breathing with Dixon, letting the kiss crack him open. He was safe here, with this man. Wanted.

It fucking amazed him.

Audie broke the kiss to lean his forehead against Dixon’s. “Horizontal?”

“I think that’s a fucking fabulous idea, cowboy.”

“Oh good.” They were on the same page, then.

That was happening more and more in their world, him being on Dixon’s page and off everyone else’s.

Chapter 18