Envious (18 page)

A car in the lane beside us cut us off, veering into our lane. Todd quickly hit the brake and swerved onto the shoulder, nearly taking the other car with him.

“Fuckin’ ass,” Todd growled as he straightened his car, continuing on, glaring hatefully at the bumper of the car in front of him. His phone continued to ring. Todd answered, aggravation still apparent, “What, mom?” he pressed, then waited. He sighed impatiently. “Not a good time. I’m driving. No. Talk to Sandy,” he told her before tossing his phone at me.

I barely caught it and put it carefully to my ear. “Aunt Debbie?”

“Hi, sweetie,” she said in a voice so similar to my mom’s. “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” I replied.

“Good. Can you ask Todd when he’s bringing me my money?”

I pulled the phone away from my face as I addressed Todd, “She wants to know when she’s getting her money.”

Todd answered dryly, “If she showed up to work once in a while, maybe she wouldn’t have to get her son to pay her rent.”

“What?” I asked.

Todd raised his voice so his mom could hear, saying, “Hell no, mom. I’ve got my own rent to pay.” Swearing and cursing began to come loudly through the phone, startling me.

“Hang up,” Todd told me. Before I could react, he reached over impatiently and snapped the phone closed. Almost instantly, it started ringing again. Todd tossed it onto the back seat and turned up the stereo, drowning it out.

“You owe your mom money?” I asked, completely confused. He never needed money, not since he quit drugs.

He sighed, slouching lower in his seat. “I finished paying Grandma back for rehab a few months ago. Turns out, Grandma was just giving my mom the checks all along. Now mom thinks I owe her or something.”

We made it home without speaking again. It only took him two hours and twenty minutes, and usually it took three hours. I didn’t even notice we were going so fast. He was a good driver, not like Aurora.

Todd threw the car into park at the curb in front of our house, his usual parking spot, and began to pull my things from the back seat. I grabbed what I could and followed him up the steps to the door. I searched for my keys while he dropped my bags and boxes on the porch and went to get the rest. I stuck my key in the door and Todd told me, “Call me when you need a ride back.” Then he got in his car and drove away.

He drove away?! But, I still have to get everything up the stairs!
By the time I got the last box through the door, my mom and dad were pulling into the driveway.

“Sandy! Hi!” They helped me stack everything in my room, then searched through a takeout menu together. I walked past Todd’s bedroom suspiciously, wondering why I could never understand him.

“Sandy, honey?” my mom said to call my attention to her in the kitchen. “I have a surprise for you.” My face lit up.
A surprise?

“What, Mom?” I asked as I entered the kitchen area.

“Todd moved out.”

My expression dimmed.
He moved out? When? Why?
“Oh, wow. Great,” I said with faked enthusiasm. Then I rushed up to my room and slammed the door. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy to be free of him. I suppose my opinion of Todd depended on the day. Some days I hated him, other days I didn’t. I grabbed my phone and dialed his cell number.

“Lo?” he answered.

“Todd?! What happened?”

“What?” he grunted.

“You moved out?” I asked.

“Oh, that.”

“Yeah,
that
.”

“So,
Mommy Dearest
didn’t tell you? She kicked me out,” he answered nonchalantly.

I nearly dropped the phone in shock. “What?! No way!”

“Like,
way!
” he mocked in a prep school cheerleader voice. “Yeah, somethin’ about me being a bum.”

“Pick me up,” I told him.

“What?”

“Come. And. Pick. Me. Up.” I didn’t think I should have to spell it out.

“Why? I just dropped you off.”

“Just do it.” I hung up, hopped down stairs and out to the porch. I knew he would come, because he would want to complain and tell the whole story. And I wanted to hear it. I hated having conversations over the phone. I could never tell what the other person was really thinking, especially if that person was Todd.

His car pulled up to the curb ten minutes later. I got in and smiled wickedly at him. “Ha, I
knew
you would come. You’re so predictable.”

He shot off down the road. “Jesus, Sandy. Talk about a mood swing. You must be thrilled I left.”

I paused. “No, actually I’m not. So what happened?”

Todd pulled off the road a couple blocks from our house…well, my house. There were no homes down this way. Just grass and woods. He sighed as he threw the car into park and turned off the ignition. Todd let his head rest against the steering wheel and he looked at me from the corner of his eye.

“I had it coming. I guess I always do. You’re mom said she was sick of me acting like a bum. She wanted me to get a job.”

“What’s so bad about that?”

“Sandy, you’re majoring in one thing. I have three majors. I have so much work loaded on me that I could never find time for a job. Besides, I don’t know why I would need the money. I have a ton of cash from my two summer jobs. I am nowhere near using that up.”

“So?” I urged him on.

“And she said I was draining on her patience. Why should she care how I dress, or where I go? What I do? So she gave me one month to get out and I left that same day. I’m living with Josh.”

“The pothead?” I exclaimed. “That’s not smart.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “It’s a great way to get me arrested, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I’ll find somewhere better.”

Josh…I had met him a few times. He was actually a pretty nice guy, despite his excessive drug use, and he was the only friend of Todd’s that didn’t ditch him when he decided to get clean. Everyone else had told Todd that he was no longer any fun to be around. It was more likely that his healthy decision to stop had made them feel stupid for continuing with their own destructive behavior.

“This sucks,” I told him. “You just wanted someone to care.” Todd glared at me, then slammed the key into the ignition, forcing the rickety old engine to start. “What? Don’t get mad. You know it’s true. Your mom dumped you on my mom and you were happy. Face it. You wanted to stay.”

He forced his eyes closed and tightened his grip on the worn steering wheel. His hands looked so powerful. I don’t know why I had never noticed before. I had been blinded by thinking of him as a loser and not seeing the person underneath. He slammed on the gas pedal. The engine roared but the car did not move.

“Todd, you’re still in park.”

He pounded his fist on the wheel. “I don’t fuckin’ care, okay? I don’t need anything, or anyone, anytime. Damn it, I’m not a baby.”

“Then why do you pretend my parents didn’t ‘fix’ you? They did. When you came to us,
you
were the pothead, not Josh. Now you’re Ivy League, with a triple major. Sure you still need to learn about hygiene and not smoking…and about being normal, but still…”

“
They
didn’t fix me!” he burst out angrily. “
I
did. And I don’t let your mom and dad know I’m ‘better’ because then I would have no reason to stay with them? Is that what you’re getting at? And you’re not a psych major? Wow Sandy. You’re not gonna make me pay for that insight, are you? I don’t think I can afford something
that
deep.” His sarcasm cut right through me, as always.

“Shut up. You just don’t want to believe it,” I countered.

“Uh, Sandy, not only do I believe it, but I already knew it. Wake up. I’m not an idiot. There
is
a method to the madness called ‘Todd.’ I knew all along that your parents would dump me once I was stable. And yes, that’s why I give them ‘the act.’ Okay? It’s a tough balance to keep your mom and my mom on the same page. But I managed it, because I don’t want to go back to my mom. But your mom doesn’t want me, so now I’m living in crack alley, waiting for a cop to snap the cuffs on me again. I’m bringing you home now.”

“I’ll talk to my parents. We can tell them how well you’re doing.”

“Shit, Sandy. Then they’ll welcome me back with open arms, telling me they’re sorry and they
love
me? Don’t be stupid. You want the truth? They would kick my ass out the door, then rush to the phone so they can tell my mom. Rub it in her face that they could fix the animal better than its own mother. You have a brain, use it.”

“Let’s just forget it, okay?” I was so frustrated with him. My head was beginning to pound like a hammer on nails.

“Why, cuz you know I’m right?”

“Todd, you’re right, okay? I can see this is upsetting you.”

“Thank God you’re not blind.”

“Lets just change the subject, okay?” I said. As he looked at me, I could see him trying to regain a sense of calm. “How are you and, uh, Josh getting along?” I asked so quietly, and, from his reaction, I wished he hadn’t heard it.

“Goddammit, Sandy! Go to hell!” Todd roared. He gripped the steering wheel with one hand and his knuckles went white. Fire consumed his eyes. He ripped open the door and stormed away from the car. I turned off the engine and trailed after him across the frost-coated grass.

“I’m sorry, Todd. But I had to ask!”

“Yeah, sure. Fuck. Cuz you care so damn much. When exactly did you start caring? When you said you hate me? Or before that?” he accused.

“Are you doing drugs again?!” I pressed.

“Damn it! No!! I’m not doin’ fuckin’ drugs.”

“Just checking.”

“
Just checking?
Aw man…” he growled, his fists literally shaking with anger.

I kept calm and talked with concern for his well-being. “I remember how hard it was for you, with rehab and everything, and I’m concerned, okay? I have a video…at home. I can give it to you.”

“What?” he scoffed at me. “Gonna save me with a do-it-yourself video?”

“No. It’s a video of you…when you’re high.”

The color in his face dropped. He went from blood red to stark white. “What?” he asked harshly, looking for all the world like he was about to puke. “Why…why do you have…how do you have…
What?!
”

“I got it from a friend of yours…from a party. I kept it just in case…”

“In case what? In case you needed to show someone?” he spat.

“Yes…I…I got it to show my parents, so they would know you were still using and kick you out,” I admitted. It was years ago, back within the first few months of living with Todd, and I had been determined to get rid of him.

Todd snickered and turned away from me. “Real nice,” he said.

“But I didn’t,” I reminded him. I had changed my mind.

“And why the hell didn’t you? Thought you’d miss me?” he asked mockingly.

“No. You beat up Jimmy Davis for me,” I told him. Jimmy Davis was a boy who had made high school hell for more people than just me.

Todd turned, looking at me with surprise. “How did you know?”

“Aurora told me. And I was glad. He never bothered me again. It made me almost okay with you.” And that was the truth. It didn’t make me like Todd, didn’t make us best friends, like it would if we lived in a movie. It just made it okay to see him most days. He had risked being arrested to do it, seeing as he was nineteen at the time and Jimmy was sixteen. It was a bigger deal than I gave him credit for.

“But, I could show you the video,” I told him. “To remind you of why you quit.” I looked to the ground nervously.
How could he possibly not remember why he quit?

“What do you care?” he asked, regaining his defensive wall. “It’s not your fucking business. You think I’m a loser no matter what I do.”

Tears threatened my eyes but I tried my best to keep them at bay. “You scare me when you’re high!” I burst out. He looked at me with an awkward expression. “Remember that winter when your mom went to Florida?” I cleared my throat, hoping that the choking of my words would stop with this small action.

“You mean the one where she didn’t tell me she had left? Which time?” he said.

“My parents and I, we picked your mom up at the airport and brought her to your home.”

“I know that…what does it have to do with-?”

“You were high in your room, completely out of it.” The awkward look vanished and he stared blankly at me. Probably trying to remember that day. It was so long ago, at least nine years. I was very young, but I remembered it clearly. “You threatened me not to tell on you…”

“Okaaaay. Sorry.” He said sorry but didn’t mean it. He didn’t seem to realize what that day was like for me.

“Todd! You threatened me! You said you would kill me if I told my mom. You grabbed my arm and I was so scared! You didn’t care that you were hurting me or scaring me. You just whispered threats in my ear…”

Todd slouched and stared at my feet.