Envious (21 page)

I nodded. He was giving me freedom to get him thrown in jail. I didn’t understand it at the time, but he only did that because he thought he would never see me again. He planned not to.

I looked behind me to the door I had come in through. Todd noticed. “You can go,” he told me. “It’s alright. I want to be alone.” He looked at me, waiting, and said softly, “Go.” I stood to leave and as I turned my back to him, he said, “And Sandy? Thank you for coming.”

I rushed to the door without looking back, but as I was led through, I quickly glanced back at Todd. He had his head resting in his arms on the ta
ble and his shoulders trembled.

CHAPTER 18

CHEMICAL STRUGGLES

That was the last time I saw Todd high, but it wasn’t his last time. His addiction continued on, for months longer. We didn’t know where he was, or where he went. I didn’t see him again until that August, when he was laying in a hospital bed, recovering from an overdose. He had been with Josh that day. When things turned for the worse, Josh left him on the curb outside the hospital, hoping Todd would be found and helped. They both lucked out. Todd was seen, and Josh was not.

As soon as he was able, Todd checked himself out of the hospital and into rehab. It was the smartest decision he ever made, and I couldn’t help but be impressed that he did it all on his own. No convincing, offering, or intervention. He was alone in it, but not anymore. I was stronger now. And he was less scary now, too. When he came back to stay with us after rehab, he would fly off the handle at any tiny little thing. He could flip a switch between being apologetic to punching his fist through a wall. But he had made it past that, and now, maybe, he didn’t have to fight alone. I could help. And I was helping.

I looked to the TV screen. He was halfway through the video. Then I looked straight into Todd’s face. He wore a blank expression. He turned off the TV, reached out, and ejected the tape. Todd handed it to me.

“There’s more,” I told him, but he shook his head.

“That was enough.” Todd sat in silence, staring at the blank screen. A muscle worked hard in his strong jaw. His eyes were dark, veiled behind his messy hair. “Fucking stupid.”

“Keep the tape, for next time. Okay?”

Again, he was silent. He sat, slouched over, and I could practically see the darkness that hung over him. He sniffed the air, catching a whiff of something that I did not. I watched his eyes roll back into his head as his nostrils twitched. He stood, frustrated and grabbed a towel off the floor. I watched him as he rolled it lengthwise and stuffed in into the crack under his bedroom door. Then he reached for his heating vent that blew warm air into the room and closed the grates on it.

“Sorry I dragged you here,” he muttered. He scratched his head absently as he looked around the room. He found what he was searching for, a small space heater behind his bed. He yanked out and plugged it in.

“I can’t believe you live here,” I said. “This place is disgusting.”

He laughed in an awkward, helpless way. “Yeah, definitely. Thing is, I even tried to clean. It’s all stains.” The conversation seemed to be a welcome distraction to him. I could see the change in his attitude and demeanor. It made me want to smile.

“You? Tried to clean? Like I’ll ever believe that.”

“It’s true. I did. Well, Sandy, I’m alright now. You can leave and go do whatever it is that you do.”

“Like what? Sit in my room and stare at the wall? Oh, joy.”

“You probably have the whole place to yourself, right?” he asked, sitting back down beside me.

“Come over,” I offered. “My parents won’t be home until tomorrow.”

His expression fell. “No. I’m good here.”

“Right, that’s why you barricaded yourself in this room? You were afraid to go outside that door, and you’re
good
here? No way.”

“I’m not going there and I’m not leaving this room. So go if you’re gonna go. I don’t want you in this crack house anyway.” His eyes were dark and dangerous. I believed him. He really didn’t think that he could leave the room and not get high.

“You hungry?” I asked.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I’m gonna go get some food. McDonald’s good?”

“Uh, sure. Take my car.” He held his keys out to me. “Don’t worry. No beer or drugs in there. Don’t speed.”

I went, got the food—thank goodness for 24-hour fast food—and pulled back up to the house. I gave my best attempt at parallel parking. Todd’s car was pretty easy to see out of, not like my parents’ car. I didn’t hit anything, and I wasn’t really in the road too much.
Close enough.
I looked at the house, dreading going through there again. Those people were so weird. They were all strung out and sleazy. But I had to, for Todd. I couldn’t let him fall down the wrong path again. I often took for granted how hard he tried. Sighing, I grabbed the food bag and the drink tray and closed the rusting door with my hip. It hurt. I didn’t understand. I had shut the door like that many times in the past, and never had it hurt. Had I lost that much weight?
I know I went down two sizes since last year, but…
A drink slipped out of the tray and hit the hard cold ground.
Shit, that was Todd’s drink.
And it splattered on my jeans.

I entered the house and tried to hold my breath. They had turned on the music, ready to kick up the party, I guessed, like Eric had done.
Stop. No thinking about Eric. Focus on Todd.
I shoved my way into the busy kitchen, looking for napkins. I dropped the bag and tray on the table and began to sop the Sprite off my legs, trying not to be noticed. Good thing Todd likes sprite and not some stuff that stains, like Coke.

“Hey slim,” some guy said. I glanced up at his pale face to find he was staring straight at me, smirking. I immediately looked away, hoping he would just leave. He didn’t seem to be drunk or high, much unlike the rest of the crowd, but he was definitely a slimeball.

“So Todd let you in his room, that’s cool.” I tossed out the napkins and popped open the fridge. “He’s been shut in there all day. Maybe the two of us can get him to relax, ya know? What do you say?” I buried my face in the fridge, waiting for him to give up. “Maybe next time,” he said, backing off.

I kept my back to him, not wanting him to think I was open for conversation. Definitely wanted to avoid that, and I didn’t want to leave Todd alone for any longer than I had to. He was right. His friends didn’t understand why he quit, not even a little. I searched through the cabinets until I found a bottle of something
without
alcohol for Todd to drink, then grabbed everything, went and yelled outside of Todd’s door until it opened.

“You always have to cause trouble, don’t you? You’re soda even picks fights with me. Here,” I said, handing over his drink.

“OJ and burgers. That’s a first,” he complained, while popping it open and drinking from it anyway. We ate while we watched this horrible movie,
American History X.
Todd seemed to like depressing things. It was the first few minutes of the movie and people had already been brutally murdered before my eyes. I could barely chew without having the impulse to vomit. After at least an hour in attempt, I gave up on my cheeseburger and cradled my soda in both hands. I sipped it slowly to distract me from the movie. I looked to Todd. He had finished eating in about two minutes flat. I supposed one burger was not enough for him. I should have got two. He always had double helpings of everything. I considered offering the rest of my food to him, but then I remembered Thanksgiving. I tossed my food back into the bag and rolled the top up tight, then slid him a wary glance. He hadn’t noticed. He watched the television calmly.

At least he wasn’t one of those jerk guys who laughed at the death scenes. That always bothered me so much. Todd caught me staring at him. He shot me an annoyed look and lay on his stomach, staring at the TV.

Before I knew it, Todd was asleep on the floor. I finished my soda and the straw made that gurgling noise. I laughed out loud.
That sound is so funny! It’s great! Aw, I want more soda.

I licked my lips and headed out of the room. Dizziness swept over me and I fell against the wall, giggling. I took a moment to look around at the wonky, spinning room. Some people were dancing, some were drinking. “Hey, baby.”

I whirled around, looking for the person who belonged to that smooth voice I had just heard. I found a cute guy in the living room, smiling at me.

1204

Heodred was inside, drunk and happy, but Eric followed me out to the horses. I brought carrots to feed them and Eric had slipped out the door behind me. I didn’t see him there, but I could feel him. I heard his steps, heard each breath he took. He slowly approached me and leaned his chin against the back of my head. He breathed in slowly, as if burning the moment to his memory. His hands touched my shoulders.

“You are a brave woman,” he told me. “More brave than any I’ve known.”

“You haven’t known many women,” I countered, smiling. I turned to face him. “You left so quickly yesterday. I needed to see you again.” I touched his face tenderly. I felt around the gash I had cleaned out not too long ago. He smoothed back my long wavy hair.

“I will come back for you, when I’ve earned my riches and some land. I’ll return for you, if you’ll have me.”

“I will wait for you all my life, if that’s what it takes to be with you.”

He smiled a sly grin. “Just all your life?”

“Many lifetimes. All of eternity if need be. I could never love anyone more than I love you.” He leaned down and kissed my cheek, the first time he ever kissed my face. I felt hot and faint, but I wasn’t willing to let him go, not yet. I touched my lips to his and held onto him with my life. He embraced me and I felt we could never be parted. By anyone. Or anything. Not even death.

CHAPTER 19

NOT MYSELF

I didn’t know what changed, but being there, with such strange, lovely people…I felt liquid. Smooth. Enhanced. Like everything was brighter. More colorful. That’s the only way to describe it. I sat on the hot boy’s lap, stroking his muscles while he stroked my butt. The sensation in his touch seemed multiplied. It was intoxicatingly sexy. He touched all over my hips and thighs before making his way up to my breasts. They felt so big in his rough fingers. He pulled at my shirt, and then I lost it. Somewhere. The bright colors intensified and took over my vision. But who needed to see when every touch held this much power? Just the sound of the music, I felt like I could reach out and touch it, just pluck each note out of the air and feel its vibrations run through me.

I felt hands all over my skin, but so far away. I felt more hands.
Eric.
I could barely see the face of the man I kissed through the dazzling blur of color and light. I felt his mouth on my throat and I felt more hands on my back.
Everyone wants me. Everyone needs to touch me. Touch me, please. Make me happy. Make me real.
The music that floated through my thoughts enhanced and took on a new dimension. I was past 3-D. I was 4-D.

M
y hair tickled my back, fallen out of its ties. Fingers tickled me. Fingers fondled me. I felt lips on my back and chest and stomach. Was I laying? Standing? Floating?

Floating. I was on air. I
was
air. I was a goddess, an angel. Being held together by the force of nothing. Colors danced before my eyes and the music was all I heard. The music…I could
feel
the music. I reached my arm out, lacing it through the colorful notes. They vibrated as I plucked their colors and the notes danced along my arm.
I am the music.

Suddenly, the familiar touching began to disappear, one by one. So cold. So alone, only one body…I was tugged from the last body that held me and found myself with a new one…Eric…Words came from him, I heard. The colorful notes on my fingertips resonated as they made contact with his body. He was calling to me. Yes. “Eric…Eric I’m here.” My lips sensed his and overtook them. I washed myself like water over him and let my hands take his body.
I’m what he wants…what he desires.

I lost his mouth. His hands covered me, pulled me…

“Ahhhk!” I shrieked. The color and chords left me. Ice covered me. I screamed, thrashing back and forth, trying to lose his grip on me. Freezing cold racked my body. I couldn’t escape. It was covering me. I was drowning in snow…help!

“Help! Help me!!” I felt arms wrap tighter to me, holding around my shoulders, protecting me, stroking my hair, stroking my forehead. They rocked me back and forth like a baby. I could hear whispers… sweet prayers, whispered in my ear. Hold on, it’s alright… hold on…

I opened my eyes and they slowly adjusted. Bright, shining…tile. It was morning. Early morning. It must have been sunrise. Pale light filled the small room. I felt trapped, but protected and loved. I felt used and violated. I felt cold and warm…

I was in a bathroom? It was deathly quiet. Not one sound. Cold porcelain pressed against my back. I looked down and realized that I was in a bathtub, sitting in cool water, although I felt surprisingly warm. My shirt was gone leaving my chest covered only by my bra. My shoes were missing, and my hair was stuck to my skin. There were arms around me, pressing at my collarbone from behind. I felt my heart begin to race. Panic surged through me.
Who was it? What did they want?
They were strong arms, shaped with dark ripped muscle.
A man’s arms.
I felt his hand touch my forehead gently, like my mom used to do when I felt sick.
Who are you?
The hand moved as I began to turn to see who was there. One arm released me, the other held fast, keeping me from sliding in the water. I saw the face… chiseled features, a strong wide jaw and kind gray eyes. Todd. He looked so weary. His eyes had dark circles under them and he was deathly pale. I looked at him and he smiled weakly.