Emerge (32 page)

             
I had tried to work so many plans i
n my head and none of them ever
seemed right.  They always felt wrong or like I was straying from the right path.  This felt right.  This was our shot to be together.

             
My dinner rolled the ‘death roll’ in my stomach and I ran to the bathroom and puked everything I had eaten.

             
I rinsed my mouth out and I went back to sitting on the bed trying to console myself.

             
My heart made one last, hopeful attempt to save me from myself.

             
I got a moment of calm and picked up the phone.

             
It rang and rang what seemed like an hour.

             
“Hello?” His voice calmed me, even if it may be the last time.

             
“Hey,
I need to talk to you.”
I wasn’t going to waste any time.

             
“Are you crying? What’s wrong?” He was worried, he always was.

             
“I…I have something to tell you and I don’t know what you’re going to say.”

             
“Tell me
,
J
.  You can tell me anything.  You’re kinda scaring me.”

             
“My Dad thinks I should stay here, to get away from my Mom, for us to get away from my Mom.  Dad and Marie said they would help me, and us, get jobs and me a driver’s license and a place to live…”

             
He started spouting off questions.

             
“
What does that mean?  When? Are you
staying there, or you’re coming back and then leaving again?” I didn’t recognize this tone.  Was it aggravation or anxiousness?

             
“He thinks I should just not get on the plane tomorrow.  He thinks it’
s the best way, a clean break.”

             
I could hear him let out a breath and then nothing.

             
The silence was killing me.  I could hear him shuffling around and then I could hear him pull out a chair.  I could hear that telltale shoe tapping on the floor while I imagined his knee bobbing. It was our first phone conversation replayed again.  And I felt like I did on that call.  I was nervous and my stomach wanted to empty itself again. 

             
This is it.  I’ve ruined it.  This is the end.

             
I started backtracking and making contingency plans. I would go back.  I couldn’t lose him.  I could deal with my Mom as long as we were together.
I could endure a lifetime of her terrorizing me if I had him to soothe me.

             
He cleared his throat and I was brought out of my emotional self-mutilation
and planning
in an instant.

             
“Jenna?”

             
“Yeah?”
My voice broke as I said it.

             
Those few seconds of waiting were like watching sand siphon through an hourglass one grain at a time
.  The pain of waiting was almost too much to bear, until I heard his voice.

             
“I’m on my way.”

Epilogue

             
I lay in the hospital bed and I was sore and exhausted.  I closed my eyes for a split second when the door opened.  He had the happiest smile and it was reserved for these moments.  This was our third ‘moment’ but I knew that smile well.

             
He approached my bed and kissed me gently and
moved some of my hair out of my face.  I didn’t have the energy.

             
“Jenna, she’s gorgeous.”

             
“I know. And she’s loud.”

             
“Yeah, she is.” He laughed.

             
He was pacing the room, waiting and
an
xious.

             
The door opened again and a nurse poked her head into the door.

             
“Are you ready for her?” She looked like she was ready for me to have her.

             
“Of course.”
I sat up slowly.

             
She rolled in a see-through bassinette on top of a rolling cart.  Those things are so weird.

             
The nurse left and Carlos reached in and took out our latest creation.

             
She was perfect and she was already sucking her thumb
, but it didn’t seem to be doing the job for her
.

             
I got ready and put her to my chest to give her what she needed.

             
He sat next to me on t
he bed and we sat there in total joy
and
I reflected back on our lives.

             
We had come so far.  We had been
married for six years. We got married shortly after he arrived at my Dad’s house.
We had bought a house and were happy.
Marriage took
work, but it was not so bad
after everything that we had
already been through. 

             
We had figured out some things along the way.  We found out that those special cards and checks that May referred to were really credit cards that had been taken out in my name.  There were also numerous other lines of credit and loans taken out in my name as well. 
We had spent years paying it all off.

             
I went to school, but never finished as our firstborn, a son, was only 2 pounds at birth and spent a good deal of time in the hospital and I stayed with him.  By the time I wanted to go back I was pregnant with our second baby, a daughter who was a preemie too.  Carlos went to school and finished.

             
This sweet little muffin
in my arms was blessing number three. 

             
Lily had fallen asleep and he took her from me but remained sitting by me.

             
He was an amazing father. He worked as hard, if not harder, than he did when we were in
school and I still reveled in the touch of his calloused hands.

             
I looked at him holding her and the tears began again.  It seemed like they had been flowing all day.

             
I touched her face and it was as soft as down.
She nestled closer into her Daddy’s chest and sighed.  Like me, she had found her home in his arms.

             
I looked back to him and he was already looking at me.

             
“I love
you
, J,
”
h
e said, and all I saw was the man who saved me from myself, who saved me from a life filled with hell and showed me pieces of heaven.
  Who held
a broken soul
and mended the cracks with love
.

             
“I love you more.
Remember that.”

Juile
June
/
Silent Film

Medusa
             
/
Black Country Communion

Charmer
/
Kings of Leon

Nursery
Academy
/
Tokyo Police Club

Mmm
Mmm
He’s So
Dreamy
/
Talulah
Gosh

Southern
Girl
/
Better Than Ezra

Howl
/
Florence +
The
Machine

Awake My Soul
/
Mumford
& Sons

Take Me
Home 
/
Matt and Kim

Juke Box Lean
/
New Bomb Turks

O’Sister
/
City
and
Colour

Mine’s Not
A
High Horse
/
The Shins

Now That I’ve Found You
/
Paul
McDonald

Plump
/
Hole

No One’s G
onna Love You More Than I Do
/
Band of Horses

Come
Closer 
/
 
My Morning Jacket

Weightless
/
City
and
Colour

On Call
/
 
Kings
Of Leon

The Fantasy
/
30
Seconds To Mars

Come undone
/
Duran
duran

Lullaby 
/
The Spill Canvas

The Revolution in Me
/
Black
Country Communion

Such Great Heights
/
Iron and Wine

Lamplight
/
  Silent
Film

Your Love is Extravagant
/
The Almost