Emerge (30 page)

             
I groaned and
said a pitiful ‘Fine’ and went to my side of the bed and he crawled over beside me and lay down.  We faced each other breathing the same breaths.  I needed to be
nearer to him so I moved to lie
on his chest and he chuckled knowing that he had won this round. 

             
I fell asleep
by the rhythm of his heart and my
new
ring being turned over and over on my finger.

             
The next morning I woke up about 7 and rolled out of bed barely conscious.  Carlos reached out and grabbed my t shirt and said, “Where are you going? Are you ready to go
hom
….there?”

             
I went back to the bed and kissed him by his ear and said
,
“I’m going to make you breakfast. Go back to sleep.”

             
“
Mmmm
, ok.” He rolled over and was out like a light.

             
I went to the kitchen and made him French toast and bacon.

             
After I finished I went back into the bedroom and crawled into bed next to him and I screamed when he grabbed me and threw me on top of him. 

             
“You were awake?”
I gave him my best damsel in shock face.

             
“Yeah…I never went back to sleep.  I was waiting for you to come back.”

             
“Sneaky.”

             
“You love me.”

             
I leaned down right in his ear and said, “Remember tha
t
,
Carlos, remember that I love you.”

             
I got up and said
,
“Come on and eat.”

Chapter 22

             
After breakfast Carlos brought me home.  I consoled myself with the thought that there were only a few more days until graduation and then this chapter of my life would be over.  He kissed me
before I got out of the car and then cleared his throat when he saw my Mom in the window gawking like the voyeur that she was.

             
She looked pissed and Carlos saw it too.

             
“Are you going to be ok?” He asked while still staring at the window.

             
“Yeah…” I was trying to convince myself as much as I was him.

             
“Hey,” he shook my hands trying to bring me out of my funk.

             
“
Ok, call me if you need me, or want me or…just call.” He was rambling.

             
“Yeah,” I tried to smile… “It’ll be fine.”  My face was getting h
ot, not from blush but from annoyance
.

             
I got out of the car and opened the back to get my dress and Rebecca’s shoes and purse and earrings out. 

             
Carlos sped away as I walked towards Rebecca’s house to return her things.  She answered the door in a robe and holding a cup of coffee
looking groggy
but asked if I had a good time and I thanked her again for everything.

             
I walked into that blue house; it wasn’t really home anymore and braced myself for the dual personality mother. 
I knew there would be words about the fact that I was still wearing his clothes and sporting a ring.

             
I reminded myself that I hadn’t done anything wrong.  I was just happy and in love and getting out from under their thumb.  They hated the loss of control. 

             
I made my way into the living room, all clear.  As I passed through the hallway, trying to make it into my bedroom unscathed, I heard a clearing of Medusa’s throat and I turned to face her.  She was sitting on her bed and Wallace was sitting on his side puffing on one of his disgusting cigarettes.

             
She started up almost immediately, after giving me the dirtiest of dirty looks.

             
“So, you come home the morning after prom, wearing
his
clothes instead of your dress and…” She got up and zeroed her sights in on my ring.

             
“And flashing…what
?...
an engagement ring?”

             
“Ye
s.”

             
“You know why girls get engaged at your age Jenna?  I’m sure you do.  We’ve noticed you getting a little chubby here lately.  So…he knocked you up and now you’re
gonna
get married and be so happy, right?
 
How sweet.
”

             
I couldn’t believe this was coming out of my mother’s mouth.  I mean, she had never thought the best things of me. And I knew that I was the bane of her existence, but I never knew she could think, much less say, those things about me.  Why couldn’t I get the regular Mom who was happy for me?
I mean, I’m sure that thought would pass through any mother’s mind at their teenage daughter getting engaged, but they didn’t say it.
Why did I get stuck with the Mom who always, automatically assumed the worst about me in every sing
le situation?
  She stole from me, screamed at me, berated me, beat on me, made me loathe my own reflection in the mirror and now this?  Wasn’t all of the rest of it enough?

             
This is it.  This is the end.  They didn’t deserve to hear how they had hurt me or how I felt like
sometimes
I would’ve been better off if I were never born.  They deserved no explanation from me at all.  So they got none. 
I nodded my head ‘no’ at my own question.  They didn’t deserve anything from me.

             
I turned and walked into my room and packed all of my stuff.  May was asleep and I didn’t want to disturb her.  At this point, she probably wouldn’t care.  She was now a victim of their brainwashing and would have to decide for herself, like I had in this moment whether it was wrong or right.  Whether it was the way she wanted to live, or like me, if she wanted to emerge.

             
I picked up my bags and took one last look at May.
She would be treated better than me because she was their daughter and not just a product of a marriage gone wrong.

             
I passed their bedroom and paused for one second.  They saw my bags then they looked at me
and then turned their eyes back to the TV.  I walked outside and called Carlos.  He tried really, really hard to cover his happiness over the phone, but I could tell. 
He arrived shortly, almost as if he hadn’t gotten very far away from my house.

             
I was not really looking forward to graduation, though I was looking forward to the events that I was trying to put into place after graduation.  I knew what I needed to do and I was hoping against hope that all of the pieces would fall into place. 
             

             
Graduation took forever, as there w
ere about three thousand
students or more all walking the stage.  I had some honors, for good grades.  Carlos had to work that d
ay and it was held at seven at night,
so he couldn’t
attend.

             
I sat there in complete boredom watching my fellow students walk the stage.  They were all strangers to me and it was not because I didn’t know them all.  It was because there was what seemed like a football stadium worth of them.
Finally, they got to my row and we got to get up and walk towards the stage.  When I got up I nearly fell down because my butt was so numb.

             
My name was finally called and I could hear one set of hands clapping, one ‘
Wooo
Hoooo
!’ over the crowd.  Somehow he had gotten out of work
and I loved him for showing up.
It was nearly midnight by the time I made it through the herd
and my parents
were
waiting with May by the door looking like they were late for an appointment and I was the hold-up.

             
They gave me a quick and cold ‘Congratulations’ and left abruptly.
  I don’t understand why they even bothered.

             
I unzipped my gown and didn’t even bother to find my cap.  It was over, and thought most teenagers were ready to drag it out as long as possible; I was ready to get it done and get on with my life.

             
Natalie, Carlos’ friend
,
brought me back to our apartment
after graduation and
I
went straight to sleep.  The next day was a Sunday and I didn’t have anything to do other th
an pack my bag to go to Louisiana
the next day. 
Carlos took the day off and I let him sleep until noon. We went to see a movie and went to eat but the silence that hung in the air was awful. We finally went back to the apartment and spent the rest of the day just holding on to each other.  I was hiding my plan from him and my stomach was twisted in knots about it.
             

             
He didn’t know it and I was probably really, really wrong to hide it from him.  But this was the last time I would be in this apartment.  This is the last time we would have this time here together.  This was the place he had dubbed as our home.  This was where we shared moments that anchored me to him. 

             
The next day, I got my stuff packed and made my way towards the door for the last time.  He was holding my bag in front of me.

             
I s
topped walking
and he turned around.

             
“What?” he said, the constriction in his voice was because he thought I was going to be gone for a week.

             
“I’m gonna miss you like I’ve never missed anything before.” I said it as I looked at the floor.

             
He was against me in two strides.  The meeting of our bodies and mouths was raw and rough and nearly on the brink of violence.  He pressed me against the wall of the hallway by the front door and showed me how much he was going to miss me.  His mouth left my lip and found my neck, the base of my throat and went a few inches lower than it ever had before.
Tears ran the length of my face as he gave me his goodbye.
His kiss retreated back to my lips and I thought I might never get enough of his body against mine.  As if a switch had clicked in his head, he began his
back
down
of what threatened to go too far.

             
Our mouths stayed touching, but not kissing, just breathing.

             
“Come back to me
,
Jenna
.  Come back and let me make you my wife.”

             
“I love you so much.  I would give anything to be your wife.”

             
I wanted it.  I wanted to be his wife and w
ith him for the rest of my life and come hell or high water I was going to make it happen.
  But it was the ‘come back’ part that would never be.

Chapter 22

             
The LAX airport always made me feel like I was going to have a panic attack. 
Why they don’t let people like me travel
inside
of their suitcase, I will never know.

             
T
he sight
of it from the freeway
,
where y
ou could see all of the planes and people coming and going
,
made it look like ants erupting from an ant hill. 

             
Carlos had dropped me off at my Mom’s house as she had my ticket and then they offered to
bring me to the airport, which was weird, but Carlos had to go to work anyway.  He had been taking a lot of time off because of me and couldn’t miss any more.
He had a hard time leaving the curb and I saw the beginnings of tears more than once.  Why she wanted to drive me, I’ll never know, but it was easier this way.

             
My Mom dropped me off at the curb.
She had been pissed ever since I got back
after prom night and had made an awful riot about my ring, but I didn’t pay her any attention.  I think she knew that she had lost, but that didn’t mean she would stop trying.
I had never tried to talk to them about everything they had done to me and how the scars felt like they would never heal.  But one day, I was determined to make it known.