e Squared (35 page)

Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.59

Subject: Esmée Éloge

 

Think I've steadied the ship on this one. I've penciled in a new meeting on the 30th. I strongly recommend we lose Osama and Kim Jong-Il from the shortlist.

 

By the way, did you see Bill's Montana e-mail? I didn't realize he was so nakedly ambitious. He's definitely one to watch. I think he's had an excellent thought. Why not get Liam to conceptualize it?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.04

Subject: Further security measures

 

Can you set up a meeting with Slobodan? I want to task him and his lads with some basic staff vetting. We're looking particularly for fundamentalists and those with terrorist sympathies. I notice there are a couple of Pakistani names in IT. As good a place as any to start.

 

From:
Kirsten Richardson

To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.12

Subject: Is it true?

 

I just had one of the creatives down for a bubble perm and he said Don Gold is a Muslim suicide bomber! Really???!!! He always seemed so harmless.

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Kirsten Richardson, Dotty Podidra, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.13

Subject: Re: Is it true?

 

I heard a rumor he walked about with Semtex wrapped round his waist!!

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Kirsten Richardson, Dotty Podidra, Milton Keane

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.14

Subject: Re: Is it true?

 

OMG, I just thought he'd put on weight!!!

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Milton Keane, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Kirsten Richardson

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.15

Subject: Re: Is it true?

 

And I always thought he was Jewish!!!!

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Kirsten Richardson, Dotty Podidra, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.16

Subject: Re: Is it true?

 

He's also a total gaylord. Beats me how he can be an Islamical fundamentaloid *and* a Jewish homo. Must be a total schizo. It just goes to show you can never truly know a person. BTW, if anyone fancies helping me pick out
BB
audition outfits, meet me in Cazza's office at 1. I've brought in a selection and I'll order up some sushi on her T&E budget.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Kirsten Richardson, Dotty Podidra, Milton Keane

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.17

Subject: Re: Is it true?

 

Ooh, dressing up! Count me in!!

 

From:
Kirsten Richardson

To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.18

Subject: Re: Is it true?

 

And me! You want me to do you some highlights? Blowout Burgundy and Chocolate Cherry? Dynamite combo!!

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Milton Keane, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Kirsten Richardson

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.20

Subject: Re: Is it true?

 

Sorry, Milt, but DC wants me to take the minutes of a meeting he's having with the Serbians. Lots of swearing and threats of violence, most likely. Think of me while you're having fun.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.22

Subject: Re: Esmée Éloge

 

30th is fine. Shame about Osama though. The his ‘n' her Twin Tower pack was a D&AD cert.

 

I'll get Liam on to Bill's idea. It's a good one.

 

Gotta say the new stationery arrangements are fucked up. Spent my morning fetching pencils, pens and pads for my department. When the fuck am I supposed to work?

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.23

Subject: Milton

 

Between you and me, Sooz, are you sure it's a good idea to encourage him on the BB front? Given the nose situation, I think he's just setting himself up for a gigantic fall.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.25

Subject: Re: Milton

 

Don't be an old party pooper. He'll be fine. He'll get through his audition on sheer force of personality. And actually, his new nose is growing on me. It has a certain “damaged” beauty, which is a very catwalk look. Deformity is totally this season. Of course, I wouldn't expect you to be able to see it. You have to have a fashion eye, don't you?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Kazu Makino

Cc: Bill Geddes

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.36

Subject: GIT

 

How are you getting on with the Mini Montana PowerPoint? I'd like a review. Say 2.00?

 

From:
Kazu Makino

To: David Crutton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.37

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

 

I am out of the office attempting to free Donald Gold from illegal custody. I may be some time because clearly no one else in the company—especially those in senior management who owe him a duty of care—gives a stuff.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.39

Subject: Kazu Makino

 

Have her placed on the suspect-employee register immediately.

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.42

Subject: Re: Kazu Makino

 

With pleasure. I've also taken the liberty of adding Róisín O'Hooligan's name.

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.57

Subject: Oh, the sweet, sweet irony

 

Slobodan, the big guy in charge of nailing the thief, is stomping around reception with a face like a slapped arse because he's had his car nicked. Has anyone seen it? It's a black Mercedes tank pimped up with Ray-Ban glass and chrome wheels. You really can't miss it because it's a fucking eyesore. Sorry, gotta take a toilet break. You have to admit this is piss-yourself funny.

From:
Mr. Fraggles

To: All Staff

Sent: 23 January 2009, 13.01

Subject: Has anyone seen ...

 

... Neil Godley? He promised to organize a petty-cash advance by lunchtime, which is now, isn't it? I have to go out and buy three dozen beanbags and twenty dozen eggs for this afternoon's juggling workshop.

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 23 January 2009, 13.05

Subject: Stop whatever you're doing

 

Hope you're there and not banged up for car thievery because you have to see this. Horne is a cyber superstar. He's also a filthy, perverted slag. He's posted a two-parter and it's like
Emanuelle Goes Down (on) the Farm.
Click below.