e Squared (37 page)

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Authors: Matt Beaumont

BOOK: e Squared
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From:
Ted Berry
To: Liam O'Keefe
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.18
Subject: Re: Montana Vita+
 
You might dress like a Bulgarian plasterer, but occasionally you remind me why I hired you. Fucking brilliant, chuckles. More like that, please.
 
From:
Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.26
Subject: Help!
 
I'm going mad. Seriously. We need to talk. Soon or I won't be responsible for my actions.
 
From:
David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.29
Subject: Janice
 
She's having an episode. Got to go to the GIT research debrief in Fulham. Send flowers.
 
From:
Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.31
Subject: Re: Janice
 
How serious is it? Level 3 or level 1?
 
From:
David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.34
Subject: Re: Janice
 
Level 1. Do the full £75 bouquet plus effusive note. You know the form.
 
From:
Liam O'Keefe
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.44
Subject: Montana Vita+
 
How about this?
 
From:
Ted Berry
To: Liam O'Keefe
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.53
Subject: Re: Montana Vita+
 
Now you're cooking on uranium-235 and you're reaching critical mass. Love it!
 
From:
Liam O'Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.59
Subject: Ted has been lavishing me with love and it made me think of ...
 
... YOU! You should be here too, basking in the rays. Still worrying about you, man. Suspect you're dead. Or dying. Fuck's sake get in touch and tell me I've got it all horribly, spectacularly wrong.
 
From:
Bill Geddes
To: Liam O'Keefe
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.01
Subject: Murder, he wrote
 
Totally wild conjecture, I know, but is this anything to do with you?
bbc.co.uk/news
Car park gun battle
 
Police have launched a murder inquiry following the death of a man in a shootout in a London car park.
 
Police were called to the NCP car park in Brewer Street, Soho, where they found the man with bullet wounds to the head and chest. Witnesses reported seeing a second man drive away from the scene. Detectives are not ruling out the possibility that others may have been involved.
 
A second man has been arrested following a traffic accident in Holborn. The man, driving a stolen Mercedes S 500, had a gunshot wound in the stomach. He was taken to University College Hospital, where his situation is described as critical. Detectives wish to question him about the car-park shooting and he remains under police guard.
 
Detective Superintendent Leo Harrison, who is leading the investigation, said: “This was an extremely violent incident in which a number of shots appear to have been fired. The car park was busy with people coming and going and it's a miracle that no one else was killed or injured.” He appealed for witnesses to both the shooting and the traffic accident. The dead man has not yet been named.
 
From:
Liam O'Keefe
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.04
Subject: Re: Murder, he wrote
 
Don't be ridiculous. What obscure hallucinogen have you been taking, matey? Can I have some?
 
From:
Liam O'Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.06
Subject: Oh fuck
 
It's all gone wrong. A Turk is going to kill me. Or a Greek. Not clear yet.
 
From:
Liam O'Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.09
Subject: Need a big favor
 
Hi, Lorraine. Not sure where you're living at the mo, but wherever it is, can you put me up for a bit? Please! It's kind of a sanctuary thing. Definitely not a let's-get-it-on-again thing. Definitely, definitely not that.
 
Though a shag would be nice.
 
From:
Lorraine Pallister
To: Liam O'Keefe
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.18
Subject: Re: Need a big favor
 
You've reached your credit limit at the favor bank. In fact, you reached it about two years ago, but like the idiot bankers who kept throwing money at dirt-poor hillbillies, thus triggering global financial meltdown, I kept chucking favors your way.
 
I'm ending this e-mail before the credit-crunch analogy gets any lamer.
 
The answer's no, Liam.
 
From:
Liam O'Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.21
Subject: Re: Need a big favor
 
Please. Just for the weekend. And maybe Monday. It's life or death, kinda.
 
From:
Lorraine Pallister
To: Liam O'Keefe
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.23
Subject: Re: Need a big favor
 
It's always life or death, isn't it? Cry wolf to someone else. There must be at least one blonde who's dumber than me. I'm busy all weekend. Yes, with a bloke.
 
From:
Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.27
Subject: Flowers?
 
Flowers? You honestly think a £75 bouquet and a love note penned by your PA (who can't even spell. “Divoted?”) is going to salvage my sanity and our relationship? You can fucking well fuck off, David.
 
From:
David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.30
Subject: Janice
 
You screwed that one right up, didn't you? Well done.
 
From:
Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.31
Subject: Re: Janice
 
What did I do?
 
From:
David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.33
Subject: Re: Janice
 
Never mind. Suffice it to say you've served me a timely reminder that if you want something done, do it yourself. I'm going home now to sort out my family.
 
From:
Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.34
Subject: Re: Janice
 
You're supposed to be seeing Ted at six.
 
From:
David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.35
Subject: Re: Janice
 
Make my apologies to Ted. Think you can do that without fucking up?
bbc.co.uk/news
Car-park victim
named
 
Police have named the man who was shot dead today in a London car park.
 
Dimitri Joannou, 31, of Wood Green in North London, died from head and chest injuries inflicted during a gun battle in a multi-story car park in Brewer Street, Soho.
 
A second man is being treated in hospital for a gunshot wound. Police want to question him about the incident at the car park. He has been named as Hakkan Hakki.
 
From:
Liam O'Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.45
Subject: Oh fuck
 
A Turk is going to kill me. Definitely a Turk.
 
From:
Róisín O'Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.49
Subject: Lost property
 
Luisa was collecting the coffee mugs and found a cattle prod in the basement. Anyone care to claim it?
Róisín
Reception
Sunday
Mood: kickass
blogass.co.uk
Posted by
Veiko Van Helden
25/01/09, 14.39 GMT
 
Body art on the body parts!
 
I build a Tattoo Halls of Fame of the Dead Gods of Rock on my persons. Here I make a listing of the exhibitions so far:
• Kurt Cobain
• Bon Scott
• The King
• Jim Morrison
• Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes
• Minnie Riperton
• Cozy Powell
• John “Stumpy” Pepys (the number one dead drummer of Spinal Tap, the awesome prog hair metal band that too many stupid peoples are dismiss as comedy laughing stocks. I ask to you has there ever been a more emotional lyrics than “Break Like the Wind?” I rest my suitcase)
• Eric “Stumpy Joe” Childs (the second)
• Peter “James” Bond (the third. I was plan to get all 21 but I have not enough of the skin!)
• Jeff Porcaro (from the underrating Toto who are in my opinions up in the top with Spinal Tap)
• Johnny, Joey and Dee Dee Ramone (I am saving spaces for when the brothers Tommy and Marky pass also to Rock Valhalla)
The left bottom piece is still pink as the baby ass, but not for longer! The big 60 trillion question: who is the next? I have decide to let you the fan base make the choose. Give me your ideas in droves. And see you in Helsinki on this Monday. Rokk till your spleen go splat!
 
Comment posted by
Glascock:
Karen Carpenter? She wouldn't take up much space. She was very slim.
 
Comment posted by
jesus666:
Is gotta be da Skynyrds. They knew at least three more chords than da Ramones.
 
Comment posted by
Necrolhobicluv:
One word. Nicky Sixx.
 
Comment posted by
iesus666:
That's two words, tosser. And he's not dead.
 
Comment posted by
Necrophobicluv:
Saw him gassing up his Hummer in Brentwood. Looked pretty fucked up to me. I give him two weeks.
 
Comment posted by
Ho Chi Minh:
Please find space for Gary Glitter.
 
Comment posted by
jesus666:
What is it with you people? HE'S NOT DEAD EITHER!!
 
Comment posted by
Ho Chi Minh:
He will be when I find out where he's hiding, take a cleaver to his sick, schoolgirl-loving gonads and stuff one up each nostril like they're cherry tomatoes.
 
Comment posted bv
Necrophobicluv:
That would do it. Make sure you YouTube the moment!
 
Comment posted by
NoahsDark:
Tommy Bolin!! I wasn't even born when he was around but everyone says he was Legend! BTW, can't wait to see Dethrush in Helsinki.

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