e Squared (45 page)

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 26 January 2009, 16.30

Subject: Noah

 

Have you found my son yet?

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 26 January 2009, 16.31

Subject: Re: Noah

 

You want me to find him? Didn't realize.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 26 January 2009, 16.32

Subject: Re: Noah

 

I told you to put out an APB.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 26 January 2009, 16.34

Subject: Re: Noah

 

Right. Sorry, I was getting confused. Where do you want me to look for him?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 26 January 2009, 16.36

Subject: Re: Noah

 

I have no idea. Thus the request for an APB. His mother seems to think he's fled the country, so it's probably too late. See if you can get me a coffee without fucking that up.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 26 January 2009, 16.38

Subject: APB

 

Still no idea what it is, but it's definitely not a trance act. DC cleared that one up in his usual rude way. How's little Milt been doing since his “talking to?”

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 26 January 2009, 16.39

Subject: Re: Noah

 

I cleared my afternoon diary to look for him. Just got back to my desk. I've tried all the obvious haunts/mates, but there's no sign of him. Mind you, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. He'll probably turn up this evening wanting his tea as per usual. How is Tam? Perking up, I trust. Did she get my flowers? I've wanted to phone and ask, but I'm assuming you're not taking my calls.

 

I don't know how many times I have to apologize for my brain-storm with the tattoos. I am sorry. It was stupid. Having said that, I think you owe me an apology as well. I have been as patient as I possibly can be through this pregnancy, but there is a limit to the number of irrational outbursts I will put up with.

 

I would like to come home. It is my house too, Jan.

Lorraine:
Call me, Liam. Or just text that you're ok. Worried sick

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 26 January 2009, 16.42

Subject: Re: APB

 

I've managed to calm him down with some valerian root (and a Temazepam, but for God's sake don't tell him!). He's “resting” in Caroline's office. Can you pop in and have a look at him in a bit? TB's got me doing blumming D&AD entries. I'll be here all night!!

 

From:
Lorraine Pallister

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 26 January 2009, 16.47

Subject: Liam

 

Hi Bill—Liam's ex here. We only met once, at Liam's 37th. I was a bit of a cow, but he was being a prat and I took it out on his friends. Sorry. Anyway, the point: I got a weird and slightly scary e-mail from him a while ago. Probably nothing in it, but it got me worried. Also, there are some pretty unpleasant blokes looking for him. You don't happen to know where he is, do you? Not at work, I guess. Sorry to bother you, but can you drop me a note if you know anything? And get him to call me if you speak to him.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 26 January 2009, 16.54

Subject: Re: Liam

 

Hi Lorraine—don't recall you being a cow at his birthday bash, but I was totally juiced and probably made a tit of myself. Sorry.

 

I had a strange e from him too. He was supposed to be at work today for a big meeting, but he didn't show up. According to our MD, he's wanted for some office thefts. Could be something to do with that.

 

I'll phone around, see if I can track him down. I'll let you know.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 26 January 2009, 16.59

Subject: Re: Noah

 

David, you seem to be forgetting how well I know you. The day you clear your diary, even for an afternoon, in order to deal with a family emergency, will be the day the devil laces up his skates because hell has frozen over. Knowing you, you probably delegated poor Dotty to look for Noah. God knows why she's stuck with you for so long.

 

Come to that, God knows why I've stuck with you for longer still. Nineteen years! Don't worry though, we won't be celebrating our twentieth.

 

I've been pregnant for a matter of a few weeks. How dare you run out of patience? After I've shown nothing but patience for nineteen years of rampant temper tantrums, unbridled workoholism and chronic non-engagement with family life. And after I patiently nursed you through rehab and then reconstructive rhinoplasty after your extended “dalliance” with a certain powder.

 

How fucking dare you?

 

In short, no, you can't come home. For your information, it is no longer your house too. Or in the words of sweet Tam's favorite band Glasvegas, “Fuck you, it's over.”

PS: Tam didn't get your flowers. She wouldn't have noticed them anyway, being as she is heavily sedated. I'm sitting by her bed now. An IV line is going into her arm. Just looking at it makes me well up, but at least it's a constant reminder of what an irresponsible, uncaring idiot her father is.

 

PPS: On the matter of it no longer being your house, I wouldn't challenge it if I were you. Bear in mind that I'm a good friend of Fiona Shackleton, who you might recall did a superb job for Paul McCartney. And she doesn't like you any more than she did Heather Mills.

 

Sent from my BlackBerry

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.01

Subject: Leave me alone

 

No calls or disturbances from anyone, including you. Except get me a bottle of vodka from the special cupboard. Then no disturbances.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.08

Subject: You

 

What's happening? I'm worried about you. Liam is on the most-wanted list and has gone AWOL. Now I'm scared you've been sent to Guantánamo with Don. Get in touch.

 

From:
Kazu Makino

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.11

Subject: Re: You

 

Everything brill. Can't talk. Got to get ready for a press conference. Check the news sites!

PS: Barack rocks. I so wanna have his babies!

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.12

Subject: Urgent call

 

I know you don't want to be disturbed, but I've got the US ambassador on the phone. He says it's important. I imagine you'll want to take it?

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.20

Subject: More urgent calls

 

I know you said the last call was to be the absolutely final disturbance, but I've got NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, and the BBC on hold. Shall I put them through?? One at a time, obviously!

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.21

Subject: Anyone seen Milton Keane?

 

I've got a Philip Edgar-Jones on the line for him. Says it's important. Something to do with the telly. He's a lovely Scottish bloke, so I don't mind keeping him chatting if someone can be arsed to find the diva.

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.23

Subject: Anyone seen Milton Keane?

 

A Sky News truck has tipped up. A bit of a wild guess this, but is the gay tit on the ledge again? I've still got my lovely Scotty on the phone for him. He just told me his wife is from Fermanagh. I knew he had taste and judgment!

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Róisín O'Hooligan

Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.24

Subject: Re: Anyone seen Milton Keane?

 

Sky are here to interview David. Send them up. And yes, Milton is on the ledge. But for God's sake don't tell the Scottish man!

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.26

Subject: Now everyone can see Milton Keane!

 

Hooray! Milton is break-dancing on the window ledge again and Sky is getting the scoop!! Get out there and cheer him on. Hurry though, because after one near-death today, we might be moments away from the real thing.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.31

Subject: Even more urgent calls

 

Will you take a call from
The Times?
Sky are held up. They're filming in the street outside. I should probably tell you that Milton Keane is on the ledge again. BBC on their way. Told them to avoid the crowd and come round the back.