DUBIOUS (10 page)

* * *

I drove away from the courthouse with a broken heart. As I waited at a stoplight, I dialed Kenya at the hair salon. “It’s over. I’m a free woman,” I said when she answered the phone. “The victory is bitter sweet.”

“
Are you serious? I thought it was going to take several sessions.”

“
It probably would have if Randy had shown up, but he didn’t.”

“
Damn. That’s fucked up. What was he thinking just throwing away thirteen years of his life like that?”

“
He didn’t care. As long as I was doing what he wanted, he pretended to. When it came down to it, it was all a farce. I’m so done thinking about this because all it does is depress me. I’m just ready to go on with my life.” I flipped through radio stations looking for a song to help sooth me.

“
So you’re saying you didn’t have to give him anything?”

“
No, I didn’t have to give him one thin dime. I don’t know if he did this so I would hire him to work at the kennel or not, but I told him last night I didn’t want him in my life like that.”

“
I know that’s right. Look, I did an Internet search and I found some people for you to interview.”

“
Wow, you did that for me?” I found that song by Mary J. that empowered women.

“
Of course, girl, what are friends for? Besides, I have a vested interest in this: when you get your fanny tuck, you and I are going to hit the beaches. Your treat.”

“
And you know this. So what about tonight? You feel like hanging?”

“
For sure. Do you need me to tighten up your hair?”

“
Naw, it’s good. I’ll pick you up at 11:00 tonight, okay?”

“
Cool, see ya then.”

I tried so hard to pretend like it didn’t bother me that Randy hadn’t shown up to court. But the truth of the matter was that his absence was like a sucker punch to the gut. I should have been feeling relieved that I didn’t have to pay him alimony, but I wasn’t. I wished I was the type of person that didn’t care if he had enough food to eat or a place to stay, but I did. He’d never had a job in the real world. How was he going to make it without me?

* * *

When I made it home, I was surprised Randy wasn’t waiting at the door. I had expected him to come over and try to defend why he didn’t appear. So again, his absence was like another punch to the gut for me. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel like going out. I mean, what was the point? Since I was riding this pity pot so hard, no man would be able to penetrate the shell I was building around my heart.

My message light was lit. The indicator light showed three messages. After I put away my things from last night, I pressed it. The first one was a sales call. I hated those calls and did everything I could to be rude to them when they’d gotten me on the phone. I wished I could call them at home and bug the fuck out of them. The second message was from Randy. I held my breath when I heard his voice:

“
Felicia, I know you’re pissed, and you’re probably taking this personally. That’s why I’m leaving this message on your machine instead of telling you to your face. There was no reason for me to attend. I didn’t contribute to the marriage, so I was not entitled to any of your money. I could not come in there and say you weren’t the perfect wife because you were. I would not do anything to sully your reputation. I did not deserve you, and I never apologized for the hell I put you through—” The message was cut off.

The third message continued Randy’s rant. “Know that I did love you. I didn’t want things to turn out this way but they did. And if you ever need me to help at the kennel, please do not hesitate to call me. I used you and I was wrong, but you were also wrong for allowing it. So I manned up and didn’t show. It was really the best for both of us.”

Shit, he had me up until he mentioned the kennel. This wasn’t about me and him, it was about them damn dogs.
What the fuck is wrong with him? It can’t be me. Hell, when I made my vows, I meant every word of them. I didn’t shirk my duty, he did, right?
I pressed delete without listening to anything else he was saying. I had heard more than enough.

With a couple of hours to spare, I turned on my computer. I wanted to look at the applicants that Kenya had found. I also wanted to check my mail to see if anyone had responded to the personal ad that I had placed on Myspace. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought that my dating would have been reduced to an ad on the Internet.

CHAPTER 9

I was sitting on the sofa replaying portions of my life and some of the decisions I’d made. Felicia may think she was hurting now, but she would have been hurting even more if I’d shown up in court. Last night, I was all prepared to go so that I could, at least, get enough money out of her to live off of, but something in me had changed when I seen her laid out on the couch. The reality was that she didn’t ask for any of the shit I had dealt her. She was a good wife; I was the one who’d changed.

Now, my only hope was to stick around and do what she asked of me so I could be near my dogs. This wouldn’t be easy, but I cared enough for her and the animals to stand on the sidelines until she needed me.

But that wasn’t the only thing that had changed. I was no longer willing to conceal my sexual identity. For as long as I could remember, I had been bi-sexual. I wanted to know what it felt like to be fucked in the ass. Of course I could have asked Felicia to put on a strap-on dick, but I was afraid to reveal that aspect of my life to her. I was unsure of how she would react, so I kept those feelings hidden until one night I was alone at work.

***

I had just taken a shower, and one of the dogs that was whelping cried out. I rushed to her, kneeling on all fours, trying to determine how far along she was when Justus climbed up on my back. It only took a second for him to penetrate me, and I cried out with glee.

I thought it would hurt, but obviously I was ready for the experience. It wasn’t planned or something that I’d ever given thought to, it just happened. In my mind he wasn’t a dog, he was a lover ready to please me. Despite the surprise of the attack, I pushed my ass toward him as his paws held me in place. The sensations I felt surprised me; I could not have moved away if I wanted to. The dam I was supposed to be attending to had been forgotten as I grunted in satisfaction.

The phone had rung, bringing me back to sanity. But to my embarrassment, my body was locked to Justus’. He whimpered as I tried to pull away with no success. Forcing a separation would have, more than likely, resulted in severe internal injuries, so I decided not to fight it. Besides, he was causing too much pleasure to worry about the damn phone. Unable to control myself, I loudly moaned. “This is the shit,” I yelled. I waited for my partner’s response forgetting that all he was capable of was a bark.

His paws gripped me tighter as his pace increased. He licked my back with his long tongue. My pleasure increased. Despite our differences, I knew he was aroused. I reached back and fondled his balls—something I’d always wanted to do to a man. They felt like jelly in my hands. This caused me to shout out again. I’d never in my life felt such intense emotions during sex. For the first time, I felt fulfilled.

Justus licked me again, and I came so hard my vision blurred. My cum shot on the floor in such a steady stream I felt like I was hemorrhaging. My head dropped forward as I attempted to collapse on the floor but we were still stuck together. I got scared.
Would I have my dog affixed to my ass for the rest of my life? How the hell would I explain it?
It would have made a hell of a water-cooler conversation. I wouldn’t have even been able to put on my pants.

Exhaustion propelled Justus onto my back. Strangely enough that felt good, too. I drifted off to sleep with him lapping my ear. Not once did I think of the consequences of my actions. No morality bells went off in my head. This felt normal to me. Unfortunately this was the beginning of my affair with my dog; and, sadly, my wife could have never competed against the thrill I’d just experienced.

My nap was disturbed by the ringing of the phone. Fortunately, enough time had passed for me to disengage myself from Justus. He didn’t move a muscle as I rolled him off my back. His tongue was hanging out his mouth near a small puddle of drool. My common sense instincts told me that I should have been ashamed, but my body said, “If it feels so good, how could it be wrong?” In fact, seeing Justus knocked out made me feel proud.

My dick started to rise again, but I had to get to the phone first. “Hello”

“
Hey, babe, when are you coming home?” Felicia said.

My dick instantly deflated. Shame took the place of desire. “Uh … this may be a long night, honey. I’ve got two dogs dropping tonight. I can’t leave them until they are … finished.” Little did I know that this was going to be the first of many lies I would tell Felicia about not coming home. Turning my back to Justus, I leaned against my desk.

“
Wow, babe, can’t you get someone else to stay tonight? I have the champagne chilled, and I’m wearing a new gown that I just know you are going to love.”

Shit, I don’t have anything left for her. It’s all over the floor.
“No can do. The other guys have been keeping late nights all week, so I let them go home.” This was partially true. We were working late; but, most of the time, we were playing poker.

“
I could throw on my trench coat and bring this party to you.”

I could hear the pleading in her voice, but I could not bear the thought of seeing her tonight. Maybe tomorrow after I’d had a chance to come to grips with what I had done. “I’m sorry, honey, but I will be so busy, I won’t have time to spend with you, let alone get tipsy while the dogs still need me.”

“
Oh alright ... I’ll try to stay up for a while, and if I’m sleep when you get home, tap me on the shoulder, okay?”

“
Sure. Talk to you later. I love you.”

“
I love you, too. Thanks for understanding.” I hung up the phone before she could utter a response. I was feeling guilty. Not for what I’d done, but because of the lies I had to tell to cover it up.

* * *

Kelvin, my closest friend, walked through the front door of his apartment forcing me back to the here and now. I settled my back against the sofa and thought real hard about how I was going to get the incriminating evidence out of my office without Felicia knowing it.

CHAPTER 10

“
Oh alright,” I said, pissed and craving to feel Randy’s dick inside of me. “I’ll try to stay up for a while, and if I’m sleep when you get home, tap me on the shoulder, okay?”

“
Sure. Talk to you later.”

I felt as if he was rushing me off the phone. Instead of addressing it, I let it go and said, “I love you.”

“
I love you, too. Thanks for understanding.”

And like that, he was gone.

I stared at the phone in disbelief. “Shit, I’m so horny; I could swallow his dick whole,” I said to myself. “I know one thing, those dogs are getting on my motherfucking nerves. I am not taking backseat to a fucking pet!” I remembered when all I had to do was mention the possibility of sex and Randy would’ve been on the first thing moving to get to me. Running up the stairs—two at a time—tearing his clothes off, and leaving a trail behind him. These days, it seemed as if I had to beg for ten minutes of his time before he went to sleep.

I hated to admit it, but I was lonely. I wanted some attention I wanted to feel loved, not tolerated. For a brief second, I felt as if my marriage was in trouble, even though Randy had never given me reason to doubt his fidelity. He might have kept late hours, but I could always reach him at the kennel, so I shook off the negative thoughts that threatened to ruin my night.

What I needed was some sexual relief. Grabbing the bottle of champagne, I headed up to the bedroom to take care of myself because Randy sure as hell wasn’t going to do it.

CHAPTER 11

Much to my chagrin, news of my divorce had spread like wildfire throughout my office. I’d always been a private person, and I hated the fact that intimate details of my life were being discussed around the water cooler. The reason I knew they were talking about me was because every time I would get close to them, all conversation stopped. At first I thought I was imagining it, but when my male partners started stopping by my office to ask me silly questions and the senior associates started winking at me, I knew that the cat was out the bag.

The biggest clue, however, came from my own secretary when she offered to fix me up with her older brother.

“
Felicia, how are you holding up, honey?” Shakira said.

Honey? Since when did she started calling me honey?
“I’m fine. How was your weekend?” I was still trying to brush off the insecurities I felt as I walked in the door this morning.

“
Oh, I spent the entire time worrying about you.”

“
Why?” I raised my brow. I couldn’t help but notice that no one mentioned my new haircut.

“
We don’t have to talk about
it
if you don’t want to.”