DUBIOUS (5 page)

We both turned and stared at Justus. He was sitting in the corner and didn’t bother to raise his head when he’d heard his name, or wag his tail in acknowledgement. For a brief moment, I wondered whether he was sick since he hardly ever wagged his tail, but I shrugged that off.

“
Have you made friends with him?” Kenya said, gesturing toward Justus.

“
Somewhat. He tolerates me, but he doesn’t act the same way he does around Randy.”

“
Sell him or give him back to Randy.”

“
Giving him back is not an option. I’d rather put him to sleep than give Randy the satisfaction of having him. If I try to sell him, Randy may find out about it and try to buy him.”

“
With what? You said he don’t have any money.”

“
I’m just saying. It’s the principal.”

“
So what are you going to do with him?”

“
I’m not sure yet. I did my own Internet search and learned a few things about this breed of dog. He’s not your average pet-store puppy. He’s expensive.”

“
For real? I thought all dogs were the same.”

“
Hardly. Some dogs have better temperaments than others. Some are better watchdogs while others are great with children. It’s funny that Randy chose a dog that’s good with children but refuses to even consider having any. I’ve come to realize that our whole relationship was a farce. I’d like to blame it all on that dog, but the reality is our relationship was fucked up even before he’d brought Justus home. I’ve made more sacrifices for Randy than I care to think about. The sad thing is that I can’t remember a single thing that he’s ever done for me.” I started to cry again, overwhelmed by the enormity of my feelings.

To my utter surprise, Justus got up from his corner and tried to lick the tears from my face. Was this a truce? Was he telling me that everything was going to be okay in his own doggy styled way? Repulsed by his tongue, I pushed him. Maybe I was getting through to Justus, but I wasn’t about to allow him to lick me on the face.

“
Well I’ll be damned. You just got served by a dog.” Kenya started laughing so hard she spilt her drink.

“
Don’t laugh, heifer, you let a dog lick you on a regular—only yours has two legs instead of four.” Oops, I went too far with my sarcastic remark.

Sucking in a breath, Kenya glared at me. She slammed her glass on the table, grabbing her bags. “My relationships are not up for discussion tonight.”

“
Girl, please don’t get your panties all twisted in a bunch. I’m sorry for taking a cheap shot.” I rubbed Justus between his short-cropped ears as he lowered his head onto my lap. I wasn’t fully aware of what I was doing but it felt like the thing to do at the time.

“
It sure was. I didn’t come over here for that shit.”

Kenya had been going through her own ups and downs. She didn’t know who her boyfriend was going to stick it to next. Since I’d warned her not to deal with the fickle fucker in the first place, she didn’t like to discuss him with me. It was crazy to invest so much time into a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere, but who the hell was I to talk since my own relationship was in the toilet? Kenya finished gathering up her stuff, but I couldn’t allow her to leave mad.

“
Kenya, wait, that’s BB talking. It wasn’t me. I’m sorry.”

“
BB? What the hell are you talking about?”

“
Bitter Bitch. I’m evolving, so please don’t give up on me. God isn’t through with me yet.”

She looked as if she didn’t know whether to laugh or smack the shit out of me. “Look, I really do need to go. I’ll holler at you later.” She started toward the door.

“
Do you forgive me?” I was talking to her backside. “I can’t seem to control what comes out my mouth these days.”

“
I ain’t paying you no mind right now because you’re hurting, but I got to get home anyway.”

“
And you’re not leaving mad?”

“
Naw, I ain’t mad. It’s just time for me to bounce.” She faced me. “I’ll holla at you next week.”

“
Cool, be safe my sista.”

“
Yeah. You too.”

I shut the door and mentally kicked myself for being so insensitive. I didn’t like Bitter Bitch. She was a personality I’d discovered since Randy had left, along with Reality Bitch and Pity Me Bitch. I really needed to get a handle on them before they became a problem for some of my clients. I prided myself on being straight up and honest, so these new personalities needed to be balanced before they shot their mouths off and pissed everybody off, including me.

* * *

I gathered our glasses, pausing to refill mine. Justus followed me with his eyes. He was a strange dog, never doing doggy things like chasing his tail or licking his privates. He seemed content just to lie in the corner, and for lack of a better description, mope.

When I had first brought him home, he paced in front of the door as if he was expecting Randy to come through the door. I told him to not waste his time, but I don’t think he understood a word I’d said. Why else would he still be standing in front of the damn door?

I didn’t understand that at first. But my Internet research told me that Mastiff’s are social animals. I thought he might need some interaction with other dogs, so I took him to the kennel to play. I thought I was killing two birds with one stone by allowing him time with his doggy buddies and me time to oversee the operations of the kennel. However, he was just as lackadaisical there as he was at home. For several weeks, I kept up this pretense, dropping him off—like a parent did a child to day care—while I went to work. Since it didn’t improve his disposition, however, I stopped.

With drink in hand, I was about to go to bed when the phone rang. Ringing phones, late at night, didn’t mean anything but bad news. I didn’t want to answer it, but I’m a nosy heifer so I did. “Hello?”

“
Felicia, don’t hang up. It’s me, Randy.”

“
I’ve been married to you for thirteen years; it would be safe to assume that I know your voice by now.”

“
Sorry, I’m a little nervous, I guess.”

I didn’t respond. I tried to act as if my heart wasn’t beating a gazillion miles a minute or that my palms weren’t sweating, but I was only fooling myself. I still loved Randy despite what he’d put me through. I couldn’t understand how our entire marriage was reduced to seven typewritten pages. “Can you make this quick, I’m trying to go to bed.”

“
How is Justus?”

I stared in disbelief at the phone. Who was this person that was speaking to me? How in the hell could he form his lips to ask me about the damn dog? What about me? Didn’t I matter to his sorry good-for-nothing ass? If I wasn’t so hurt by the obvious diss, I would’ve cussed him out, but I refused to let him know just how bad he made me feel. “I would let you speak to him but last time I checked, he’d rather piss on the phone than talk to it.” I was in so much pain. I stifled a scream that was building inside of me.

“
Funny, Felicia, that’s very funny.”

“
Well, if you didn’t call to speak to me, why the hell did you call?”

He was silent for a few minutes. “I’m sorry things turned out the way they did.”

Sorry? You are sorry? Isn’t that a bitch? Sorry is something you say to someone when you accidentally step on their foot. He fucks up my entire life and he says he’s sorry … well, he can just go fuck a duck!
“Randy, it is what it is. I’ve gotta go.”

I hung up before my sobbing gave away how I really felt about the situation. My tears blinded me as I fell across the bed. Snatching off my clothes, I threw them in the corner. I closed my eyes and prayed for understanding and peace. If I could understand how we had gotten to this point, I thought it would have been easier to digest. Things weren’t this way when we had first gotten together, but the years have not been kind to us. In retrospect, Randy had been giving me signs all along, but I ignored them.

CHAPTER 5

A few weeks later I walked into Kenya’s salon. I had hoped to walk in without fanfare but the stupid bell over the door announced my arrival. I fought the temptation to turn around and flee as all eyes fell me. This was the first time I’ve seen Kenya since I made my pitiful confession and stuck my entire foot in my mouth about her love life. I wasn’t sure how she would react to seeing me. Although she said she wasn’t mad when she’d left, there was a distinct possibility that she would be mad now since I hadn’t returned a single call to her. So I was more than a little nervous about what she would say. Kenya had a way with words, and she wouldn’t hesitate to show her ass if she thought the situation warranted it. Dropping off the face of the earth—in her mind—just might be one of those cases worth showing some ass.

I had taken a leave of absence from work, refusing to answer my phone or emails. In fact, this was the first time I’d left the house because I didn’t want anyone to see how badly this breakup was affecting me. I’m a private person and didn’t like the spotlight my divorce was shinning on my marriage. I hated the dirty details of my life being examined by a judge that only knew me on a professional level.

“
Lookie here,” Kenya said after giving me the once-over. “Look what the cat has dragged in.”

It was good to hear her joking. This could only mean that Kenya wasn’t harboring any bad feelings toward me. “Ha, ha, ha, very funny. In case you didn’t notice, I’m not in the mood to be the butt of your jokes.” Even if I did look something a cat had dragged in, I thought it was in poor taste to remind me of it. I was wearing shades to mask the black marks under my eyes and a baseball cap to cover my matted hair. I looked like shit on burnt, rye toast.

“
Excuse
me, but I believe in calling a duck a duck.” She shrugged.

“
You know what?” I started backing out of the door. “Maybe I need to find myself another stylist because I am
not
trying to hear all this yang today.”

“
Girl, sit your ass in this chair. You’ve got your nerve coming in here with attitude. I should knock the hell out of you for scaring me half to death. I was about to send the Po-Po over to your house to see if you were dead. You didn’t answer the phone, and you’ve missed three appointments. What the hell have you got on your head?” She snatched at my cap but missed, shaking her head in disgust.

“
Can you please take this down a notch?” I looked around the shop to see who was looking at us.

“
Humph, that’s the thanks I get for giving a damn about your pitiful ass?” Pissed, she started straightening up her station.

I did owe her an apology for my behavior, but her own attitude wasn’t making it easy to say. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

“
What, did you say something?” She pulled on her ear in a mocking gesture.

“
I said I’m sorry,” I said, plopping down in the chair.

“
You damn right you are.” She whirled me around in the chair, dropping a cape over my clothing. She wrapped the towel so tight around my neck, I felt like she was trying to choke me.

“
Can you let this loose some? I can’t breath.”

“
Serves you right.” She pulled the towel even tighter before she let it loose.

“
Look, can we stop with the jabs? I’m sorry, okay? I just had some things I had to work out by myself.”

“
I was not taking jabs at you. I was serious. You just drop off the face of the earth. Friends don’t do that to friends. I haven’t seen your ass in weeks. Friends take the good, the bad, and the ugly—and they stand together through the pain.”

“
I’m sorry, girl. I know I should’ve called, but I just couldn’t face anyone. Every day I got out of bed determined to leave the house but it didn’t happen. It got easier just to stay in the house. If I didn’t have a court date in the morning, I’d probably still be lying up in bed.”

“
Well, are you going to let me see you or am I supposed to work around the camouflage.” She playfully popped me in the back of my head with a comb.

I took my glasses off and placed them in my purse. I batted my eyes against the bright sun coming through the windows.

“
Damn, girl. You look like a raccoon.” She laughed, drawing attention to me once again.

I started to get mad. “I knew this was a bad idea. I’ll come back when you think you’ve gotten over this comedic moment.”

“
If you think I’m going to baby you, you’ve came to the wrong damn shop. You look like hell and you know it!”

“
You don’t have to broadcast it to everyone,” I hissed.

“
You think these people are blind? What the hell are you smoking, and where can I get some?”

I was struck by the hilarity of what she’d said. She was right: I did look like shit. And hiding behind dark glasses didn’t do a damn thing but call attention to it. I pulled off my baseball cap, and that’s when she got her first good look at my hair.

“
Aw, hell no! What the fuck have you done?”

“
I haven’t done anything,” I mumbled. Using my fingers, I tried to run them through my hair but it was pointless. It was so tangled, I couldn’t get my fingers through the knots.

“
I know that’s right. Look at this shit.” She lifted my hair up by its scraggly ends as if they were dipped in doo-doo. Long stands fell off in her hands.