Don’t Forget to Remember Me (33 page)

She pushed out of the shower with a bang,
quickly gathering up her clothes and rushing into the bedroom. I
grabbed a couple of towels and followed her. Her back was to me as
she struggled to quickly pull on the clothes over her wet skin
while I wrapped a towel around my waist. She pulled and pulled on
the jeans as they stuck to her legs, her shoulders shaking with
grief, the tears clearly visible on her face now. I could hear her
crying and it put me in hell.

“Julia…”
How
could I be so damn stupid?

“Please.” Her voice broke. “Don’t…don’t say
anything. I’m so…humiliated. I have to get out of here. I c…can’t
be with you right now.” She wouldn’t look at me.

“Julia, don’t. You shouldn’t feel that
way.”

She finally turned to me
as she threw her t-shirt back over her head. “Why!? Why shouldn’t I
feel that way, Ryan? Because I just threw myself at you and you
don’t
want
me? Be…because you push
me away and yet don’t want me to go back to New York? You can’t
have it both ways! I can’t do this anymore! You won’t help me
remember…and I want to remember you so damn bad!”

Frustration welled within
me, pissed that she thought I didn’t want her, hurt that she was
hurting, angry at the entire situation. “You think I don’t want
you? You
see
what
you do to me, Julia! I want you so much it puts me in physical
pain! What I
don’t want
is to hurt
you! I’m so worried about what could happen. I…love
you.”

She raised her eyes to mine and I could see
how much she was hurting, how angry she was.

“Yeah, sure. You love me
so much, you ignore what I want, rather than let me touch you, hold
you…feel you inside my body like I’m dying for! What I want is for
you to tell me the truth, treat me like I imagine it should be like
between us. Like I can tell it
was
between us, the way it is when you almost give in!
Tell me, Ryan
!”
she
practically screamed, both of her hands going up to grasp the
sides of her head. “I want you to not be able to
help
yourself. I want you to want me like I want
you…to love me so much you can’t stop yourself from touching me.”
She sank down on the edge of the bed and cried like I’d never heard
her before. Her heart was broken and I’d never felt more helpless.
“Just now? That was us!” Silence hung between us like a storm until
finally she screamed at me and I jumped inside my skin. “Wasn’t
it!!??” Her tone was hysterical and broken but softer as she put
her hands over her face and sobbed, her little shoulders shaking
uncontrollably.

Please, please you have to know how much I
fucking love you!

I pulled on my clothes and
sat down next to her, reaching out a hand to place it on her back.
Julia flinched away while I struggled to find the words that
would
soothe
her and not add to her pain.
I sucked in a breath and opened my mouth but closed it again.
Nothing I could say would change what had just gone
down.

“You think I don’t
feel
this, Ryan? Do you think it would
hurt so damn much if I were fucking
oblivious
? I r-remember that I l-love you.
Just b-because I don’t remember everything we did together…doesn’t
mean I-I
d-don’t remember I l-love you,” she cried brokenly.
“D-don’t
you want that?”

“Oh, babe…” I began and tried to pull her
close, wanting to comfort her.

Her sobs ripped at my soul. “Why won’t you
let me love you?”

I held her for a few minutes until she
finally melted into me, as I pulled her onto my lap, and we both
buried our faces in the curves of each other’s neck. My throat was
throbbing and my eyes were tearing. Her words had fallen around me
like meteors crashing to earth, leaving mass destruction in their
wake. My hand stroked her head, she sighed and finally the
hiccoughing sobs lessened.

“Julia…I
love you
so much. You’re
my entire world. I feel like if you don’t know that for certain, I
just…I can’t survive.” She sat in my arms without speaking as I
touched her, brushing her hair back and kissing her face, tasting
her salty tears on my lips. Finally, she drew in a shaky breathe
and pulled back to look into my face.

“All these months, I may
not have remembered much, but I’ve figured some things out. I know
you’re the only man that’s ever made love to me.
I know it
.”

“How?” I asked softly, a little bit afraid
of the answer that was to come. My chest constricted at this small
truth that she’d uncovered. It was monumental.

“
Because
. You’re the only person
that’s shrouded in the darkness. I remember my parents; I remember
my job and some of school. If I’d been with anyone else, if anyone
had touched me like you have, I’d remember it. It’s only ever been
you, hasn’t it?” Her hand brushed gently against my jaw, almost not
touching.

My hand was trembling as I pushed her hair
gently off of her face. The wet strands clung to her cheeks as my
fingers slid across her delicate skin. Finally, I met her eyes.
“Yes,” I said softly, and she sighed into me. “It was like a
miracle. Such a beautiful…gift.”

“Will you tell me about
it?
Please
? I
know you want me like I was before, but what if I never remember? I
want your pain to go away…to give you what I can, so tell
me.”

“Ugh, Julia.” She was
worrying about
me
. That was so typical of her. “I can’t. Part of me wants to
so damn bad.”

Her eyes hardened and she
pulled away from me once again to stand with her back to me, her
hand plunking at the keys on my keyboard. “Just forget it.
You
won’t come back to
me
either, don’t you see that? I guess we’re
both
irrevocably broken.”

My heart fell sickeningly and I stood to
place my hands on her shoulders. The instant I touched her, she
shrugged me off.

“You’d better hurry.
Tanner and
the gang
are waiting at
the library. Tell Liza I said
hi
.”

I dropped my hands in silence behind her,
but she never moved. A hot flush spread out under the skin of my
face and chest. I never felt so distant from her. My heart
panicked, but I didn’t know how to comfort her.

I packed up my books into my backpack and
flung it over my shoulder and walked toward the door of my
room.

I turned toward her again but she averted
her face away.

“I do not think you’re broken, Julia. I just
want to give you time to heal and not do more harm. You mean
everything to me.”

Her face hardened and her chin jutted out as
she looked at the floor. “Yeah, you’ve made that clear. I’ll see
you later,” she effectively dismissed me.

I could barely make my feet move, but I
turned and walked away. Hopefully, after she’d had some time to
cool off, we’d be able to talk.

Maybe she was right, and
she might not
ever
remember. But
was I ready to lose her completely?

Not under any circumstances.

I wanted
any
type of life with her. Yes, it would be painful
if she didn’t remember, but not half as bad as the thought of a
life without her.

I still wanted to make sure that telling
Julia the past would be safe; and my dad would be straight with me.
I took a deep breath as I got into my car, feeling slightly better
after the decision was made.

I tossed my book bag into
the passenger seat and started the car and threw it into
gear,
hoping distance
between us for
awhile would ease some of the pain.
Who the hell are you
kidding, Matthews?

I pulled out my phone and dialed Jenna
first.

“Hey, shithead,” she laughed into the phone
as she answered.

“Julia and I just had a fight. Where are
you? Aaron told me he wouldn’t be home until midnight and I don’t
want her to be alone. Can you get there?”

“You know, Ryan, Julia
isn’t sick, she’s physically fine and she’s
not
crazy. She doesn’t need us lurking.”

“Jenna. Please. I’m…worried about her.”

“What the hell did you fight about?”

“Uh…she wants to start over and to hell with
her memory loss but I’m just…I’m terrified. She’s not ready to
remember the pregnancy, Jenna. If she could deal, she’d remember on
her own. I can’t risk it and she thinks I don’t want her.”

“Wow. Shit, okay. I’ll be home in an hour
after my shift ends.”

“Will you call me? I’m going to the library
for awhile but nothing is more important to me than Julia. If I
need to come home, I’m there.” I drew in a deep breath.

“Okay, I promise. It will work out,
Ryan.”

“Thanks. You’re saving my
life.
Again
.” I
hung up and dialed my father.

“Aaron, can you come home? I need to talk to
you.”

There was a pregnant silence on the other
end of the line…finally he spoke in a quiet tone. “Jules, what’s
this about?”

“Aaron,
please
. Will you just
come home? I’d like to talk to both you and Jen. It’s about Ryan.”
Even I could hear the desperation in my voice. My chest hurt and I
knew what I had to do.

Jenna held out her hand for the phone, which
I quickly handed over.

“Just come home,” she said; her voice tense
and her eyes trained on my face. “See you in a few minutes.”

After Ryan left, I sat in the dark for what
seemed like hours, until I got up and packed my things, as quickly
as possible. I wanted to be gone before Ryan returned. Afterward, I
went back and waited in silence for Jen and Aaron.

Aching silence.

Time stood still but dragged until Jen
showed up and sat with her arm around me. It was like she knew what
I was going through and she didn’t try to pry.

“Is there anything you need?” Jenna asked
softly.

I wrapped my arms around
myself and shook my head.
Nothing you can
give me.

I needed to remember
my
fucking life
and Ryan to let us
happen. My soul was screaming for him. I didn’t even know what I
expected Aaron to say, but I needed
something
. Anything.

I went into the bathroom and leaned on the
counter, staring into the mussed reflection in the mirror. I
recognized my face. I remembered most of my life, so why couldn’t I
remember Ryan? I stared into my eyes and cursed the brain behind
them.

I had fallen in love with
him all over again and wanted to be closer to him still. It hurt
desperately that he kept pulling back. Every time I felt
he’d
cave-in;
he somehow found the
strength to resist. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my
body and someone had stomped on it. The agony on his beautiful face
as he hurried out of the
apartment had
literally left me breathless, the pain was so intense. I was
empty, like my heart was missing.

My red
-rimmed eyes were a reminder of my evening; alone on the
couch, crying for God knew what. Was it for my lost memory or
Ryan’s rejection? I couldn’t tell anymore. I felt numb, hollow. My
body and mind, exhausted.

I was tired of trying to
figure shit out. I knew the feelings were new
and
reminiscent of our past but couldn’t reconcile
why he wouldn’t embrace it. Ryan was good and kind, amazing in
everything he did, but this went way beyond that.

We were
everything
. I knew it by
the longing his mere presence brought forth and the few times when
he had faltered in his resolve…the few delicious times when he had
almost given in. In the shower or on the piano bench…I could see
the love in his luminous blue eyes.

This is so fucked up.

Ryan needed me to remember more than I
needed to remember for myself.

I put my hand up to cover my eyes as new
tears dripped down my cheeks, the numbness dissolving into a
torrent of sadness again. I thought that I didn’t have any more
tears left, but the well seemed endless. I finally got myself under
control so I could be prepared to speak with Aaron and Jenna.

I went back into the living room, lost in my
thoughts. The door burst open and Aaron strode in from outside
while Jen emerged from their bedroom. They both came into the
living room together. Aaron took the seat on my left and Jenna sat
on the arm of the chair next to him.