Don’t Forget to Remember Me (28 page)

I laughed without much
enthusiasm, still shaken up a bit. “Okay. I’ll definitely do that.
So big, my boss will chew me a new ass for going over
budget.”
I tried to
joke, but it fell
flat.

“As long as you make it up somewhere else, I
don’t give a damn!” she retorted.

We talked a little more about the next few
months’ issues. It helped me organize the chaos of the jumbled up
memories. Getting back to work would be just what I needed. I’d had
enough of this life of leisure. It gave me too much time to think
and wonder about the future.

There was nothing worse
than missing him when he was so damn close. The week since the
nightmare felt like forever. I almost rummaged through Ryan’s room
for clues to our past. I resisted, but only barely. Despite the way
he was acting, I couldn’t betray his trust. I sighed and threw my
head against the back of the chair. I was
positive there
was nothing that he wouldn’t want me to see; if
the situation were normal, but now it would push my memory and he’d
be upset. I trusted him and loved him with everything I
had.

I wish that was enough.
Breathing literally hurt as I leaned both of my elbows on his
desk. I reluctantly got up and gathered my clothes for the day. The
hours dragged,
stretching in
front of me
endlessly. Not knowing if I’d even see Ryan made it worse and my
heart dropped.

I finished getting
dressed; pulling on dark jeans and a light pink
pullover,
then applied light make-up. It was Saturday and as I padded down
the hall toward the kitchen, I heard Aaron saying goodbye to Jen.
Ryan was already gone.

“Love ya, babe. Have a nice day off,” Aaron
said and kissed Jen lightly. He waved before opening the door.
“Bye, Jules.”

“See ya,” I answered.

I threaded both hands
through my long hair in frustration and flopped on the couch. I
didn’t turn on the television
;
I didn’t look out the window. The room blurred
and my throat ached. I felt helpless and I had no control of
anything. Not my memory, not my relationship with
Ryan…
nothing.

Jenna handed me a cup of coffee. “Here,
honey,” she said and took a seat in one of the chairs to my right.
“How do you feel?”

“Physically, I’m fine. I don’t have much
pain anymore. Mentally…frustrated as hell. Remembering part of the
past is almost worse than starting over with nothing. It’s
confusing, trying to piece it together and still have huge gaps. It
sucks.”

She took a sip and nodded. “I notice Ryan is
gone again. I thought you guys had turned a corner. He was so happy
and I thought he’d be around more. What happened, Julia?”

I shrugged and looked down
with a frown. “That’s just it!
Nothing
! I had a stupid
dream
and he blames himself! I’m so tired
of him taking responsibility for everything. He thinks getting
close brought it on.”

“He is brilliant in many
ways, but his head is up his ass on this,”
Jen replied.

“Yes,” I agreed. “Who’s to
say I wouldn’t eventually remember the crash anyway? And, so
what
? It wouldn’t be the
end of the fucking world.” My tone was full of defeat and
frustration. “Maybe I should just
leave
,” I said in disgust.

“What?” Jenna asked in surprise.

“I’m making Ryan
miserable. It hurts that he’s so unhappy. I miss him. I want
him to stop
over-thinking everything. Something
could happen that helps me remember and that can’t happen if he’s
avoiding me.”

Jenna’s expression was sympathetic, but she
was frowning. “I know. It’s screwed up, but I don’t think leaving
will help either of you. He’ll lose it. It’s not that bad, is it?
He calls you, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah, but he stays away until very late and
leaves early. I hardly see him. My emotions are so screwed I hardly
even know what I’m feeling anymore. I’m so…sad, I guess.
Lonely.”

“I’d ask Aaron to talk to him, but he
already has. Ryan is stubborn as hell.”

“He’s so focused on making
sure nothing shocks me that he is blind to what needs to happen.
And if he won’t let things be, there is nothing I can do but leave.
Either he’ll
wake up or
he’ll get on with
his life.” I blinked as my eyes filled with tears. “Shit. All I do
is cry.” I wiped quickly at the tears. “Anyway, I’ve made an
appointment with Spencer to try to sort this out.”

Saying the words hurt. It was so hard
vocalizing any attempt to be away from Ryan. Jenna’s eyes widened
in surprise, so I hurried to explain. “Uh, he’s objective. Ryan and
you…even Aaron. You’re all too close to the situation.”

“He isn’t objective! Are you trying to make
things worse?” Her eyes widened incredulously.

“I need help sorting through this. That’s
Spencer’s job.”

“Well, if you don’t want to hurt Ryan, you
have a damn funny way of showing it.”

I paced around the room; before turning to
face her. “I don’t plan on telling him. He’s working so much, he’ll
never know. Hurting him is the last thing I want to do.”

“I don’t know, Julia…” she added hesitantly.
“You should talk to Ryan.”

I sucked in a shaky breath and shook my
head. “For what? He won’t change his mind. If the episode in the
bedroom and knowing I love him won’t do it, what will?”

“He needs a swift kick in the ass, that’s
all.” She tried to tease, but I was beyond it.

“Men run when they can’t deal, but knowing
it doesn’t make it hurt any less.” My lips lifted in a sad smile.
“If I leave, maybe he’ll be more motivated. I can’t take more of
grasping at a past I might never remember. I want to build a life
with him.”

Jenna covered my hand with hers. “I’m so
sorry, but Ryan’s not running very far and he’ll never leave you.
You know that, right?”

My eyes overflowed with tears again. I
turned so I could brush them away. “Look, enough of my pathetic
bullshit.” I tried to change the subject. “Has Aaron gotten any
closer to setting a date?”

She shrugged slightly. Disappointment and
hurt flashed across her features. “After almost nine years, it
should be a done deal.”

“Maybe he’s waiting until graduation,” I
offered gently. “Maybe he also needs a swift kick in the ass,
hmmm?” I smiled despite the tears that still clung to my lashes. An
idea formed behind Jen’s blue eyes as a smile lit up her face.

“Let’s go shopping! I hate sitting around
feeling sorry for myself.” She tossed her long blonde hair over her
shoulders. “In fact, let’s buy new clothes, new shoes, go to the
salon, then we’re going out tonight. Let them wonder what we’re up
to, huh?”

A
big
part of me didn’t want to hurt Ryan anymore than he already
was but going out with Jen sounded like fun
. I
found myself recalling times when Ellie, Jen and I would
spend similar evenings together.

“Okay. It sounds great! Let’s meet after my
appointment. At the mall?”

“Nope. Downtown. The shops
are more fun
and
more expensive.
Feeling better just takes money, honey! We can go straight to the
bar, afterward,” she said mischievously, a new gleam in her eye.
She was a woman on a mission and there would be no stopping
her.

I laughed. “Aaron doesn’t stand a
chance!”

“You’re perfectly capable
of taking Ryan down if you want him, Jules. So
do it
,” she said seriously. My heart
and body tightened in anticipation.

“Okay. Yeah.” The decision made, I checked
my watch. I needed to go or I’d be late.

I put my empty coffee cup in the kitchen
before heading out the door. “Okay, see you in a couple hours,” I
threw over my shoulder as I gathered my purse and slid my feet into
my black leather boots. “I’ll buzz you when I’m finished.”

“Don’t let him try anything, hon.”

“Jen, please. This is purely professional.
Besides, you know where my heart is and nothing will change
that.”

“Yeah, not even your lost memory,” she
said.

It was like an ironic
epiphany suddenly rushed over me like a storm and I stopped.
“Exactly. Tell
Ryan
.”

“Well, tonight he’s gonna get a clue,” Jenna
spouted with a grin. I couldn’t help but laugh.

*****

“Julia, I was surprised you called. Is
everything alright?” Spencer was pensive and distant,
understandable considering the passionate display Ryan and I made
at the Four Seasons.

“Yes,” I said. I sat in one of the chairs in
front of his desk for the last time. “I mean…not really. I don’t
know,” I stammered and felt embarrassed at my lack of ability to
even get out a coherent sentence. My face burned in a flush, and I
pressed the back of my hand to my cheek.

His eyes narrowed and raked over my face.
“What’s this about?”

“I’m thinking about going back to New York.
I remembered my job. I think I’m ready and I’m bored doing nothing.
It’s not my style.”

“Forgive me, but…what does Ryan say about
it? After last weekend, and,” he motioned toward the diamond
sparkling on my hand, “I thought you might have remembered. Have
you?” His words were slow and measured.

“Not everything. I know
that I love him and obviously that we were,
are
engaged. But, it’s so much more than I could have
ever imagined.”

“Did you remember on your own or did he tell
you about the engagement?”

“Ryan told me.”

Spencer crossed his arms over his chest. “I
see.” The tightness in his tone was clear.

I shifted uncomfortably.
“I’m not sure you do. Yes, he told me about the engagement, but the
other stuff…I feel him within me. I can’t even explain it, but
I
know
it. Even
though I can’t get the whole picture yet, the love is so tangible
that I can almost reach out and touch it. I don’t know how else to
articulate it.”

He didn’t speak but continued to study me. I
moved my diamond back and forth on my finger.

“What else has he told you?”

“I’ve been
begging
him to tell me everything. It
wasn’t his fault. He’s been doing just as you asked, but I
need
to know. Ryan hasn’t said, ‘Hey,
Julia. You’re crazy in love with me.’” I lowered my tone in mock
imitation and flushed. “And forgive me, but I don’t see what this
has to do with my going back to New York.”

“What is the real reason
you’re thinking of leaving, Julia? The
truth
.”

I swallowed and looked
away. “Uh, my being here is hurting Ryan. He’s struggling and won’t
let us move forward. We had an amazing 24 hours and then everything
changed again. While he is very caring and concerned, he’s not
touching me or spending time with me and…I
need
to feel close to him. He needs it,
too.”

“This is not what I expected. From what I
saw of you two last weekend, I would have sworn he was going to
take you out of there and tell you everything.”

“I wish he would have.”

Spencer sighed. “Julia, I want the best for
you, and Ryan is doing that by letting you remember on your own. If
you think you need to go to New York, then my advice is to do it.
If you and Ryan are meant to be, it will work out.”

I felt like I was back in
high school getting a lecture from my dad. “We
are
meant to be,” I insisted, my eyes burning into
his, chin jutting out in defiance. “I can’t live with anything
less.” My voice cracked on the last sentence. “I guess I’m hoping
he’ll realize he can’t live without me.”

“Julia, I’m here to help you work things out
and no more. The other night…well, I see how much Ryan loves you.
His actions certainly support that,” he said quietly. “Has anything
else happened?”

“Yes. I had a dream about the accident but
that’s really all, besides what I’ve already told you.”

“And?”

“I barely woke up. I remember pain as I
screamed Ryan’s name. Truthfully, I handled it better than Ryan
did. He held me afterward but since, he’s distancing again…it
hurts.”

“Julia, he’s a fourth year med student. He’s
extremely dedicated and so close to being finished. Don’t take it
personally.”

“Seriously? Everything Ryan does is
motivated by what’s going on with me. He could work at the
apartment but he goes to the library instead. All the time. I’m
really missing him.”

“I understand. When was the dream?”

“Sunday night.”

“Ah, so right after the restaurant.”

“The next night, yes. Please don’t imply
that being closer to Ryan caused it. And even if it did, I wouldn’t
change it.”

“I’m only trying to
determine what happened
to
see if we can
make this easier for you. I figured something like this would push
you into remembering.”

It suddenly dawned on
me.
Did you tell Ryan that being close to me could be the
catalyst?
“I don’t really care about making
it easier, only
faster
. I don’t want Ryan to hurt anymore.”

He nodded, almost resigned. “Yes, I know
it’s been difficult for him and I see that you really do love him.
He’s a lucky man.”

“No, I’m the lucky one.” I studied his
reactions. “Did you…talk to him about me?”

“Julia, I can’t talk to him about what you
and I discuss, specifically. That’s professional privilege, but
before you and I had our first session, he and I talked a little
bit. About the accident and that you lost,” he hesitated briefly,
“uh, your memory, but that’s all. Except for our conversation at
the restaurant.”