Don’t Forget to Remember Me (34 page)

Aaron nodded toward the bags on the floor
next to the door.

“What’s that about?” His usually smirking
face was serious and worry flooded his features. “Julia?”

I glanced down at my hands, wringing in my
lap. “I’m…I think I should…” I hesitantly met his eyes and then
Jenna’s. They’d been so good to me and I was grateful, but
burdening their lives wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair to any of them.
Especially Ryan.

“Julia, it’ll be okay,” Jen said.

I shook my head.
“But,
it isn’t
.
Don’t you see that?” My voice was shaking and my hands were, too.
“Ryan is in so much pain.” I didn’t feel it necessary to share the
details of the events of the evening. “I can’t do this to him
anymore. It’s been nearly three months and, still, there are only
glimpses of my past. It’s time to resume my life in New York. Maybe
it will help me remember and more importantly,” I tried to swallow
the rising lump in my throat, “Ryan can move on.” I heard my voice
crack. “He deserves to be happy.”

Aaron shook his head. “This won’t make him
happy, Julia. I’ve tried to talk to Ryan about how asinine Moore’s
theories are, but he won’t listen. You’ll break him if you leave,
Julia.”

I stood and walked to the window. The lights
from surrounding buildings outside blurred under my stare. I
blinked and a single tear dripped from my lashes. I quickly reached
up and brushed it away as I struggled for words.

“Spencer’s on Ryan’s side, but going back to
New York might help me remember.”

“Clearly you love him, Julia,” Jenna said
softly.

There was no point in denying it, and I
couldn’t even if I wanted to, but loving him wasn’t enough.

“Yes. More than anything” I nodded and
dipped my head, bringing both hands up to the sides of my face.
“That’s why I have to go. I see how it hurts him to have memories
of us that I don’t share anymore. It’s like I died, but I’m here
haunting him constantly. I won’t hurt him like that anymore. I feel
how he suffers and I can’t stand it. I just can’t, Aaron.” My
throat ached with tears, every syllable a struggle.

“Do you understand?” I almost whispered.

“Not really.” Aaron rubbed the back of his
neck. “Ryan will never get over this, Julia. Even if you went to
the moon and he never saw you again, he’ll always miss you. I saw
it when…” His voice dropped off.

Once again the hesitation was revealing.
Spencer did me a disservice when he told everyone who loved me that
they couldn’t talk to me. And now, tonight, Aaron was doing it
again.

“You say that now, but as
time passes he will. I’m holding him back. So I’m going back to my
life.” Aaron huffed and I shot him a questioning look. “What’s the
alternative, then? Will
you
tell me
about my past?” I asked them both.

Aaron sighed and Jen’s face was covered in
sadness.

“
Will
you?” I asked again.

“This is Ryan’s decision, Julia, not ours.
He spoke to Dad and Spence and they both feel that it could do
permanent damage…” Aaron began, but I interrupted him angrily.

“What the hell is
this,
Aaron? If it isn’t permanent
damage?! Not remembering Ryan is…from what I can tell, the biggest
tragedy of my life,” I said in defeat. “And his.”

“Why can’t you just build a new life
together?”

“
Ask
Ryan
! I want to, but he is afraid that he’ll
force me to remember whatever the hell it is he doesn’t want me
remembering.” I laughed through my tears. “
Force
me
, when I am
begging
him to tell me. The problem is; he doesn’t want
it to be like a story someone told me. He needs me to
feel
the memories, to have lived through
them with him, and I…understand why he needs that. He
deserves
that.”

“Julia,” Jenna began, “have you told Ryan of
your plans? He’ll be…”

“
Fucking d
evastated
, that’s
what he’ll be,” Aaron said angrily. “Don’t do this to him,
Julia.”

“Aaron, I
love
Ryan but he is
suffering! He barely touches me now and it hurts too much to be
around each other!” I was practically yelling, my body shaking and
tears beginning to rain down my face. I went to the door and shoved
my feet into my sneakers. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. I
keep hoping that something will happen, that one day I’ll wake up
and it will all come back to me, but it doesn’t. Every day the hope
in his eyes turns into disappointment when he realizes I still
haven’t remembered. It kills me and worse, it’s killing
him
. I’m going insane with it!” I cried.
“My heart loves him, my soul knows him, but my damn mind won’t
remember!” I cried; the sobs barely contained. My heart ripped
apart inside my chest.

I rushed blindly to the door and picked up
my bags. “I’ll send for the rest of my stuff later.”

“Julia, don’t…” Jenna came toward me with
Aaron close on her heels.

His expression had softened during my
diatribe and he put his arm around me and pulled me close. One of
the bags fell from my shoulder onto the floor as I melted into him
and sobbed.

“I’m doing this for Ryan. Please take care
of him for me. I love him so much.”

“Then why go, Julia?” I moved out of his
arms and looked into his face. I reached out to Jen. She took my
hand and squeezed. “Ryan loves you more than I’ve ever seen.”

“But it’s not enough. He needs me to
remember, and I can’t give that to him right now. If, by some
miracle it happens, then I’ll come back. I promise. Thank you both
for everything. I love you.” I wiped at my tears, picked up my bags
and left the apartment for the last time. I was leaving my heart
behind with Ryan and it hurt like hell.

“Julia!” Aaron called after me, but I didn’t
turn back.

I rushed out the door, tears blinding me as
I stumbled down the steps and onto the sidewalk. I stopped and
gasped for breath between the sobs, my shoulders slumped.
Struggling, I tried to wipe at my eyes.

Suddenly two strong arms enfolded me. “Where
in the hell do you think you’re going, Julia?” Ryan’s voice was
hard, but still smooth as silk. Still my Ryan.

Silent tears fell. “Let me go,” I begged,
torn between pushing away from him and letting myself melt into the
safety of his arms. “You don’t want me and I don’t want to hurt you
anymore.”

I heard a sharp intake of
breath. “Is that what you really believe? That I don’t
want
you? I’ve never wanted anyone more,
Julia.” His voice softened. “I’m…
dying
with the wanting. I’m so consumed with it, I can’t even think
straight. I can’t sleep. I don’t want to eat…If you leave, you’ll
kill me.”

“Then
why
?” I shook my head and looked up
into his face as I felt his fingers flex on my
shoulders.

“We’ve been over this. Spencer says…”

“
Fuck
Spencer, Ryan!” I screamed at him as I pushed out
of his resistant arms. “I don’t want to hear his name one more time
in a conversation about us! And, fuck you, too! I don’t know what
else to do! I can’t stand the pain I see your eyes! You won’t let
us be together like we need to be…” My voice weakened and cracked
again. “So, I’m…
going
.”

He looked away, the muscle working in his
jaw as he struggled for words.

“I don’t want you apart from me.
Please…don’t do this.”

“All I want is to get closer to you, Ryan,
but you keep pushing me away. Can’t you see how ironic and
ridiculous that is?” I almost laughed, but I was crying too
hard.

“I’m sorry. I just…” he stammered and
frustration bubbled up inside me, ready to burst free and scatter
my body in pieces at his feet. I was lost. I swallowed hard and
stared unflinchingly into his face. I could see the struggle going
on behind his blue eyes and the torture on his beautiful
features.

“Let this happen, Ryan!
You say you want me and
I know
you love me. I can feel it, even if you never say
it again. So
please
…Let it happen!”
The words choked out. “Or, let me go.”

He
stared
for a moment and then let go of my shoulders and
stepped back. “I’m
scared
! I don’t want to hurt you,
and I…I don’t want to hurt me. I’m…worried that you still won’t
remember me, even if I make you mine again, Julia. I’m not sure
that’s in either of our best interests. I’m trying to take care of
you.”

“Do you know how completely destroyed I am
that I can’t remember you, Ryan?” I asked softly. “I’ve never
wanted anything as much as I want you.” I lifted my hands in defeat
but then let them fall back down to my sides.

He sat down on the steps
and placed both hands on his head, fisting them in his hair. When
he finally raised his eyes to mine, they were flooded with tears.
“I imagine as devastated as I am, maybe worse, and I’m
sorry
.”

“I can’t do this without
you. You are the only person in the world that can know how much
this hurts because you’re living it with me. Every fiber of my
being is screaming for you and I don’t give a damn if I
never
remember our past. I know that hurts
you and I’m so sorry. It hurts me, too…but I love you
now
, Ryan! Don’t you
get
that?” I said in broken defeat.

“How can you love me when you can’t
remember?”

“You are so Goddamn
stubborn! I remember the last three months! I remember you taking
care of me. The way you touch me…I can feel that you love me. Your
voice soothing me and calling me back from
death
! Dancing, laughing, talking,
cooking together, going for walks…being my best friend. When you
kissed me in the shower, your hands on my body on the piano bench…”
my voice dropped to almost a whisper, “When you tasted me and came
with me. I want all of that and more, Ryan. I love you so much, it
hurts.”

I wiped the tears from my face, struggling
to get more words out. “If that isn’t enough for you, then…okay.” I
shrugged in defeat. “I can’t make you believe it.” My voice was
trembling and I paused to try to get it under control, but I was
failing miserably. “You seem to need the past more than I do…so, I
have to go see if I can get it back, Ryan,” I cried quietly now,
heartbroken. “And if I can’t, at least you’ll be able to move on.
It’s the b…best I can d…do for you right now.”

I covered my face with my hands as I
struggled in devastation, until finally I turned around and went to
get my bags. Before I went two steps, Ryan jumped up and whirled me
around.

“Stop, Julia!
You’re
not
leaving me!! I won’t let
you go.” His breath was coming in heavy pants, his chest heaved
with the effort and his eyes were glassy. Pain shot through my head
with a memory. My hand rose to my left temple and I closed my eyes.
We were in my bedroom, in New York…

“
No.” Ryan was angry, his face tense, a
flush rising up underneath his skin. His eyes flashed. “No, Julia.
I’m almost done with med school! It’s time to start our life
together. We’ve waited and struggled for too fucking long! I won’t
let you go!”

As quickly as it started, the memory was
gone, leaving me confused and grasping for more.

Had I been planning on leaving him? Were we
breaking up?

I raised my troubled eyes to his. Ryan
panicked and quickly placed both hands on the sides of my face,
gently raising my chin so he could look into my eyes.

“Julia? Are you okay? What did you
remember?” he asked urgently.

I was confused by my feelings, by trying to
figure out the meaning behind these flashes. “Uh…I’m not sure.
Ryan, we were arguing and you were yelling. You said that you
wouldn’t let me go, that we’d waited too long to start our life
together.” My face crumpled with more tears. “Was I leaving
you?”

He pulled me into his
embrace and kissed the side of my face and then my temple. “No! It
wasn’t about us breaking up, my love. Oh, God, that was never a
consideration, okay? There was no choice for us but to be together.
Please believe that,” he said; his velvet voice soft and soothing.
“
No
,
Julia.”

The arms I’d wound around his waist
tightened and I nodded in the crook of his neck. “Then what? Please
tell me, Ryan,” I begged. “Please?”

“I…I’ve hesitated because you’re choosing
not to remember and I’m afraid that being intimate will make it all
come back too soon. You’re obviously not ready and I can’t do
anything that might hurt you.”

“Don’t you want me to remember us?” My voice
cracked on the last and he sucked in his breath.

“Yes, but not until you’re
completely ready. It isn’t because I don’t love you or want you.
It’s
because
I love
you.”

“I can’t bear the thought of leaving
you.”

I felt his lips in my hair on the top of my
head, moving as he spoke. “Then what the fuck are you doing with
your bags packed and crying on the sidewalk in the middle of the
night, for Christ’s sake?” he murmured softly.

I was shaking, but being in his arms was all
I needed in the world. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I can’t
stand that you’re in pain because of me, Ryan,” I answered
brokenly.

“Julia,” he sighed and his arms tightened
around me. “We’re doing what we’ve always done; trying to take care
of each other. Come on, sweetheart,” Ryan nodded toward the house
and then reluctantly released me. It was late April but I still
felt a chill that the loss of his embrace caused, the cool breeze
blowing my hair off of my face.