Do Penguins Have Knees? (31 page)
Read Do Penguins Have Knees? Online
Authors: David Feldman
Sounds pretty convincing to us.
A complimentary book goes to Melinda S. Mayfield of Kansas City, Missouri
.
FRUSTABLE 8:
Why Do Pigs Have Curly Tails?
We spoke to many zoologists, veterinarians, and swine breeders about this topic and struck out, so we thought we would throw the question to readers. Lo and behold, your response was exactly the same as that of the “experts.”
We heard from reader Nena Hackett, who used to raise pigs. She claims, as do the swine authorities we spoke to, that you can gauge the healthiness of the pig by the curl of its tail: “The tighter the tail, the less likely it will have parasites. If the tail is loose or just ‘hanging around,’ the pig will be sick every time.” As Richard Landesman, associate professor of zoology at the University of Vermont, put it: “There seems to be only one good reason for the curl in a pig’s tail, and that is to call the vet when it straightens out. More than likely, the trait for a curly tail is just part of the pig’s genetic repertoire.”
Maybe the uncurled tail is like the popout thermometer on a store-bought turkey. When you see it, it’s nature’s way of warning you to spring into action.
Submitted by Jill Clark of West Lafayette, Indiana. Thanks also to Colleen Crozier of Anchorage, Alaska, and George Hill of Brockville, Ontario
.
A complimentary book goes to Nena Hackett of Harvey in the Hills, Florida
.
FRUSTABLE 9:
Why Does the Heart Depicted in Illustrations Look Totally Different Than a Real Heart?
Before we get too carried away with wild theories, our illustrious illustrator, Kassie Schwan, gently indicated that the “symbolic” heart doesn’t look
that
unlike a real heart. The two upper lobes look a lot like real atria, and the “real” heart does taper at the bottom, although not as drastically as the heart we see on Valentine’s Day cards and playing cards. From her point of view, the “symbolic” heart is much easier to draw than a “real” one.
So is our stereotyped heart merely the result of lazy efforts of mediocre artists? Anthropologist Desmond Morris, always quotable, if speculative, suggests in
Bodywatching
that the form of the symbolic heart might actually have been based on the shape of the female buttocks.
A startling theory? Not compared to the discovery of New York City broadcast designer Laura Tolkow, who was looking through a book of Egyptian hieroglyphics and stumbled across several upside-down stylized hearts depicted alongside a bird and a pyramid. Laura was shocked that our stylized conception of the heart dated back to ancient times, until she read the translation of the meaning of the upside-down hearts—they weren’t hearts at all, but rather human testicles (right side up!).
So now we have our Valentine shape signifying the human heart, the female buttocks, and the testicles. Any other possible explanations?
We didn’t think so until we heard from reader Howard Steyn, of Morristown, New Jersey, who claims that he was taught the answer to this Frustable in his seventh-grade science class! His teacher said that the reason for our stylized heart is the vessel structure surrounding the heart. Howard sent a diagram of the circulatory system of a frog, with a series of arteries, called the systemic arch, that looks
exactly
like the Valentine heart.
We immediately called up our favorite biologist, Professor John Hertner of Kearney State College in Nebraska, to talk to him about this breakthrough in Frustability. On very short notice, John conducted some comparative embryology and reported that indeed, most vertebrates, including humans, have a structural equivalent to the frog’s systemic arch, although not necessarily the “perfect” heart.
Hertner made an important point that lends even more credence to Steyn’s theory. In earlier days, the Catholic Church frowned on pathological or gross anatomical work on human bodies. Most European scientists conducting research on humans were thus not able to gain access to human cadavers. Many experiments were conducted on amphibians and rodents. There is a chance, in other words, that the systemic arch of a frog, or some other animal, was considered to be part of the heart, and perhaps even an assumption that the human heart looked like the frog’s.
Submitted by Kathy Cripe of South Bend, Indiana
.
A complimentary book goes to Howard Steyn of Morristown, New Jersey. Special thanks to John Hertner for help beyond the call of duty
.
FRUSTABLE 10:
Where Do All the Missing Pens Go?
This question was inspired by our observation that everyone we have talked to thinks that they are a “net” loser of pens. So where do they all accumulate?
Evidently, a lot of them end up in Highland Park, Illinois:
Most pens are probably lost through holes in pockets. I see lots of them lying on the ground, and pick up any that seem in good shape. I admit it! If you can prove that I have one of
your
pens, I would be happy to return it to you.
Most of the rest of missing pens are probably borrowed temporarily, and not returned, accidentally.
This last thought was echoed by Bill Gerk, of Burlingame, California, who was the smoothest operator we heard from. With folks like Bill around, we know why banks chain their pens:
I can’t account for all of the missing pens. Just a few of them. Whenever I need to write a check in public or sign for a withdrawal, I ask the clerk or cashier, “May I borrow a pen?” After using the pen, I ask, “Did you give me this pen?” Usually the clerk or cashier will say, “Yes.” I’ll smile, say “Thank you,” and start to put the pen into my pocket.
But then I start to return it. About one out of ten times I hear, “That’s O.K. You can keep it. We have a lot more.” At first I did this for laughs, but if some choose to take me seriously, I settle for the pen, even if I don’t get a laugh along with it.
There are probably a few other similar, shameless, joking customers. Those who do this nefarious trick contribute to the disappearing pool of pens you’re concerned about. By the way, if the pen you have been lent (given) doesn’t write too well or you don’t like the color, you may want to ask for another one before you sign anything.
We were surprised at how few readers sent theories about this Frustable. Our guess is that most readers, like us, are still losing pens and don’t know why. Those of you in the state of Pennsylvania, however, are in serious jeopardy. We got a long, chatty letter from Philip M. Cohen, from West Chester, Pennsylvania, that ended with these two chilling sentences: “Oh, one other thing. I have your pens.” Aha!
Submitted by Damon Hunzeker of Boise, Idaho. Thanks also to Barry Long of Alexandria, Virginia
.
A complimentary book goes to Bill Gerk of Burlingame, California. After all, if we didn’t give him a book, he’d probably ask if he could borrow one. Then he’d ask if we gave him the book…Well, you get the idea
.
By their nature, Frustables aren’t easy to solve. Even the crack
Imponderables
readers can’t answer definitively some of our metaphysical quandaries. So we’ve promised you that we would keep you up to date on new contributions and discoveries in our search to take the Frust out of Frustables. This has become especially important since we’ve been putting out a new book of
Imponderables
each year, for it means that the readers of the paperback editions haven’t had a chance to contribute to our forum. Here, then, are some of the best new ideas about old Frustables.
Frustables First Posed in
Why Do Clocks Run Clockwise?
FRUSTABLE 1:
Why Do You So Often See One Shoe Lying on the Side of the Road
?
We have devoted more space to this topic than any other we have written about. We have received more mail about this subject than anything else we have ever written about. In
When Do Fish Sleep?
, we listed scores of theories to explain the phenomenon. Many of these theories assume that people deliberately throw shoes on the road. But until now, something was pointedly missing: an eyewitness account of a deliberate one-shoe toss.
We are no longer deprived. We heard from Joseph Metzelaar of Masonville, New York:
I was reminded of an incident that happened to me while riding in a car driven by a woman wearing high heels. Her right foot repeatedly became wedged under the brake pedal, so out of sheer frustration she threw the right shoe out the window…
But don’t get smug, readers. Cars aren’t responsible for all one-shoe citings. And an alarming trend is evident. IT’S SPREADING! We don’t get too many letters from Sierra Leone, but we did get one from Peace Corps volunteer Jay D. Dillahunt, who is working in Freetown, Sierra Leone, West Africa:
While walking down a bush path near my village, I spotted a single shoe lying in the path. There is no way it was tossed out of a car or bus window, because drivers of cars and buses have better sense than to drive down bush paths.
More proof that there is no escape from Imponderability.
FRUSTABLE 2:
Why Are Buttons on Men’s Shirts and Jackets Arranged Differently from Those on Women’s Shirts?
Most readers seemed satisfied with the explanations we provided. But we heard from Tereen Flannigan of Livonia, Michigan, who said that she heard in school that during the Industrial Revolution, different taxes were imposed on the importation of men’s and women’s clothing in several European countries. Ingenious importers had the manufacturers change the button configuration to guarantee preferential tax treatment.
We haven’t been able to confirm any of this. Does anyone else know more about this angle?
FRUSTABLE 9:
Why Don’t You Ever See Really Tall Old People?
Daphne Hare of Buffalo, New York, passed along a clipping from
Men’s Health
magazine, with the results of an Ohio study that provides some pertinent data. In this study, men lost 1.2 years of life for every extra inch of height. That’s right. A 6′0″ man can expect to live six years less than a man of 5′7″.
A previous study indicated even more dramatic height effects. Men who stood less than 5′8″ lived to an average age of 82; those over six feet tall lived to the unripe age of 73.
FRUSTABLE 10:
Why Do Only Older Men Seem to Have Hairy Ears?
We’re glad we put the word “Seem” in the question, for some younger men do have hairy ears. In fact, we heard from a middle-aged man who can so testify—Albert Jeliner of Mauwatosa, Wisconsin:
I have had extremely hairy ears since I was in my late teens and early twenties. Back in those days it was long, blond fuzz and as the years have passed it has gotten more and more coarse. I am now 51. Since I was 22, I have had to have my ears trimmed each time I went to the barber.
I don’t know how you got into this “hairy” situation; but I inherited mine.
In
When Do Fish Sleep?
, we mentioned that all of the endocrinologists we spoke to begged off this question, claiming geneticists would have the answer (the geneticists, of course, sent us to the endocrinologists). But we heard from one endocrinologist, Dr. Clayton Reynolds of Lancaster, California, who claims the answer does lie within his field:
The explanation for the hair growth in the ear canals of men is that these are the so-called androgenic zones. The hair follicles in the ear canals have receptors that are acted upon by the male hormones, or androgens.
The hair of the human body can be divided into three categories:
nonsexual hair
(such as that on the arms and legs), which is not dependent upon the gender of the individual;
ambisexual hair
, which grows during adolescence in the same areas in the body in males and females (such as the axillary and pubic hair); and thirdly,
male sexual hair
, which grows on the face and chest and between the umbilicus and the pubic area.
Not so well known is the fact that the male sexual hair occurs also in the other androgenic zones, the ear canals.
But why would this hair tend to sprout as we get older? We heard from University of Texas medical student John Chaconas, of Corpus Christi:
There are two types of hair on the body,
vellus
and
terminal
. Vellus is present on the parts of the body usually considered hairless, such as the forehead, eyelids, and eardrums. Terminal hair is present on our heads and arms.
Sometimes, as we age, vellus hair follicles are differentiated (transformed) into terminal follicles, and give rise to terminal hair. This transformation usually does not occur at an early age—therefore only older man have hairy ears.
Frustables First Posed in
When Do Fish Sleep?
FRUSTABLE 3:
How, When, and Why Did the Banana Become the Universal Slipping Agent in Vaudeville and Movies?
In
Why Do Dogs Have Wet Noses?
, we announced that we had made no progress at all in answering this Frustable. We’re now a little, and we stress the word “little,” further along in our quest. Most of our mail assumes that the banana’s role as a slipping agent came from burlesque itself. Peter Womut of Portland, Oregon, makes an intelligent stab:
I believe the connection is with the three comedians in a burlesque show and their title of top, second, and third bananas. Perhaps they became known by these names because of slips on banana peels, or perhaps banana peels became the symbol because of their names. Perhaps the solution is in the lyrics to the song, “If You Want to Be a Top Banana,” from the musical
Top Banana
.
After an appearance on “CBS This Morning,” when we mentioned our frustration about solving this mystery, we received a call from an excited law student who promised to but never did send us information about some cases he was studying in torts class. Lo and behold, the Supreme Court, and Oliver Wendell Holmes himself, rendered several decisions on personal injury cases involving folks slipping on banana peels on the street.
Why were there banana peels on the street? The law student cited the same reason that Les Aldridge, of Milltown, New Jersey, wrote to us about:
My wife reports that her grandfather used to say that when he was young, people would often use banana peels (the soft inner part) to shine their shoes. If they got some of it on the bottom of the shoe and fell, they would say that they had “slipped on a banana peel.”
The banana peel makes an easily recognizable prop for the stage to give comedians the occasion for humorous pratfalls. They needed some slipping agent—an egg might do it but it would be too messy. Perhaps the banana peel suggested itself as the agent due to the shoe shining association mentioned above.
Shannon Arledge, of Livingston, Louisiana, adds an even stranger use for the lowly banana peel: “In olden times, banana peels were often used on boat docks as a way of sliding the boats down to the water. However funny, slipping on those peels was a common occurrence.” We’ll try to track down the Supreme Court cases on banana peels for our next opus.
FRUSTABLE 6:
Why Do So Many People Save
National Geographics
and Then Never Look at Them Again?
We thought we had covered all the possible answers to this Frustable in
Why Do Dogs Have Wet Noses?
, but a letter from Laurie Poindexter, of Fowler, Indiana, made us realize we had been negligent:
My mother used
National Geographics
as booster seats for all of us during childhood, so we could easily reach the table at mealtimes. Once we had all grown sufficiently, we sold them at yard sales.
Now that she has grandchildren, she is subscribing to
Smithsonian
, which has equal thickness but a wider base for more secure stackability and bottom comfort.
Yes, but do they come with lap restraints and air bags?
But we shouldn’t joke about this matter. Mark Arend of Beaver Dam, Wisconsin, was kind enough to send us an article by George H. Kaub, published in the
Journal of Irreproducible Results
. This ground-breaking article, entitled, “
National Geographic
, The Doomsday Machine,” succinctly states the problem:
Since no copies have been discarded or destroyed since the beginning of publication it can be readily seen that the accumulated aggregate weight is a figure that not only boggles the mind but is imminently approaching the disaster point. That point will be the time when the geologic substructure of the country can no longer support the incredible load and subsidence will occur.
Kaub concludes that the entire country will fall below the sea and “total inundation will occur” unless drastic measures are taken.
National Geographic
, he is quite sure, is responsible for many of the so-called natural calamities of our time—including activity on the San Andreas fault.
Kaub’s article is a clarion call, warning us that unless the publication of
National Geographic
is terminated, the North American continent is doomed.
FRUSTABLE 8:
Why Do Kids Tend to Like Meat Well Done (and Then Prefer It Rarer and Rarer As They Get Older)?
Several readers have written in to add a third possible answer to the two we tentatively suggested. Most persuasive was Babette Hills of Aurora, Colorado: “I asked my two boys why they don’t like their meat rare and their answers were just what I had observed: Rare meat is harder to chew.” Rare meat, still containing more natural juices and fats than a well-done piece, is chewier. Hills argues that “baby” teeth are not equipped to do the necessary damage to a piece of rare meat with ease or comfort. This also explains why children often like to have their meat cut into small pieces.
Hills assumes that as soon as chewing the meat is no longer a problem, most kids will start preferring rarer meat, which is more flavorful. Her theory would be confirmed, she says, if people with missing teeth or dentures like their meat more well done than those not dentally challenged.
FRUSTABLE 10:
Why Are So Many Restaurants, Especially Diners and Coffee Shops, Obsessed with Mating Ketchup Bottles at the End of the Day?
We thought we answered this Frustable definitively. But then we received a startling new reason for this seemingly silly obsession: Ketchup mating saves lives. Waitress Mary A. Taft of Deming, Washington, explains:
As a waitress, I had often asked myself, “What is the object of this tedious chore?” One day, I finally got my answer when a bottle of ketchup exploded when the lid was taken off.
My boss informed me that to prevent explosions of this kind, the bottles low in ketchup must be poured on top of the bottles more full of ketchup. Otherwise, some ketchup can end up perpetually on the bottom of the bottle instead of on someone’s burger.
If the ketchup stays on the bottom long enough, it can ferment, causing a buildup of gas that can create the explosion.
Of course, this explosive effect can better be cited as a reason to eliminate the practice of mating altogether. But we won’t hold our breath until restaurateurs change their practice.
