Distorted Hope (29 page)

“I knew you’d be back. Mark took good care of me.”

Nathan nodded and ran his hands through his hair. He wore it longer now, just a little. I liked running my hand through the thick, silky strands. I think I liked everything about his body. What wasn’t to like?

“Why are you staring at me?” Nathan asked.

“I like looking at you. I think you’re very handsome.”

That got a small smile out of him. “Thank you. I think you are very beautiful.” He reached over and smoothed my hair away from my face. “I don’t know what I would have done…” His voice trailed off as his eyes grew wet. He pressed his lips together and shook his head. “I don’t know if I could have dealt with losing both of you.”

“I’m here,” I said squeezing his hand. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I wouldn’t let you.”

We flew home that afternoon. Nathan wanted to get out of the city. I could tell it was making him anxious. We’d flown into Panama to get married, and we came home without a baby. But if we hadn’t gone, if we hadn’t been near a hospital, I probably would have died. That’s what Dr. Perez had said. Nathan said once I was better, we’d fly back and get married.

I was still tired and Dr. Perez wanted me to rest, so I was settled into our bedroom and ordered to stay in bed for the rest of the week.

Nathan stayed with me the first couple of days, but I encouraged him to go get some exercise. I was doing fine and he was getting anxious being cooped up with me.

The day after I was allowed up, Nathan sent Jason home. I had asked Nathan if Jason could tell Stacey I was okay and he agreed. That took a huge burden off my shoulders. I could stay here without worrying about her. I didn’t want to leave; this was my home now. With Nathan.

I walked with Nathan and Jason to the helicopter. Jason and Julia had talked for a long time and decided she would stay here. At least for a while. She couldn’t leave her brother, knowing she’d never see him again. Maybe once we had moved away.

Saying goodbye to Jason was harder than I expected it to be.

Jason held me tightly. “I still love you, Kyra,” he whispered in my ear. “If you ever decide to come home… If he lets you…”

I still loved him, too, but I belonged with Nathan. And Nathan, I knew, would never let me go. “Thank you, Jason. You’re a great guy.” I closed my eyes. “I still love you, too,” I whispered and then pulled back. “You’ll give Stacey my message?”

Jason nodded. “I will. I’ll make sure she doesn’t worry about you. Or at least
try
to keep her from worrying.” He glanced at Nathan, who was standing a few feet away, talking to Mark. “You sure you don’t want to get home, Kyra? I could tell someone—”

I shook my head. “I belong with Nathan, Jason. I love him.”

He nodded, though he didn’t look happy. “I won’t tell anybody, but if you ever need
anything
…”

I smiled. “I know, Jason, but I’ll be okay. He’s different now. You know that.”

“I know. If you guys ever leave here, let me know. I’d like to know you’re okay.”

“If he lets me, I will. He has to be careful.”

“Yeah.” He looked up as Nathan and Mark walked over.

“Ready?” Mark asked. He was going with Jason to take him home and then look around for another engineer to finish up the last few orders before we could move.

“Jason, I’m trusting you to keep your word,” Nathan said solemnly, putting his arm around my waist.

“I will, Nathan. I’m trusting you to take good care of Kyra.”

Nathan smiled—a genuine, but sad, smile. “I will.” They shook hands and Jason gave me a last hug before hopping into the helicopter.

Mark kissed my cheek. “I’ll see ya soon, Kyra. Take care of Nathan for me.” He glanced at Nathan, who was talking to John. “If he starts… losing it, tell Luís. He can get in touch with me.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine, Mark, but I appreciate your concern.”

“I’m sure he will, too, but I always have contingency plans. It’s what keeps us safe.”

“You come back safe, too.”

Mark gave me a hug and then nodded to Nathan before getting into the helicopter. He would be gone for at least a month. Maybe more. There was no way to know.

Nathan and I stepped back and waved as the helicopter lifted up into the air and then disappear into the cloudy sky.

He pulled me close and kissed me soundly. “You have changed me, Kitten. I’ve never let an engineer go home before.”

“Thank you for letting him go.”

“Now I don’t have to be jealous anymore.”

“You were jealous?” I asked, surprised.

Nathan shrugged. “I haven’t had anything to lose in a long time, Kitten.” He grimaced and I knew he was thinking of the baby.

“Shall we go try and make another one?” I asked with a seductive glint in my eye.

He grinned and picked me up. “Absolutely.”

Time passed and I didn’t get pregnant again. After four months of trying, Nathan started to withdraw from me. I knew he was upset, but I tried to stay positive, for his sake. As strong a man as he was, his hope was balanced on a very thin blade and there were some days I despaired for him.

Dr. Perez stayed positive. If I’d gotten pregnant once, I could do it again. I was still young; we had plenty of time.

But that didn’t stop Nathan from losing hope. Every month, my period came, and he spent more and more time in his office and less time with me. When my period arrived in the sixth month, he went into his office and I didn’t see him for the entire day, and he didn’t come to bed that night.

I went to look for him the next morning and found him in his office. The room was lit only by the rising sun and he was sitting on the couch with a glass in his hand. I could feel the tension in the room.

“Nathan?” I spoke quietly, so as not to disturb him. I had come in through the house and only could see the back of his head.

He didn’t respond and I walked in and put my hand on his shoulder. “Nathan, are you okay?”

He smacked my hand away. “No,” he growled. “I’m not fucking okay.”

I knew he was upset and didn’t take his aggression personally. He wasn’t angry at me. I knew this.

I walked around to the front of the couch and sat on the table in front of him. I tried to take his hand, but he moved it away before I could, so I put my hand on his knee. “Nathan, it’s only been a few months. Dr. Perez said—”

“It’s been six months, Kyra. Six fucking months.” He laughed bitterly. “Maybe it wasn’t mine, after all. Maybe it was Jason’s.”

“You know that’s not true,” I protested. My heart ached for him. I could tell how hopeless he was feeling. Literally and figuratively. “Maybe we should just stop trying so hard. Dr. Perez sa—”

“Fuck Dr. Perez!” he barked, glaring at me as I jumped back. “Fuck him and his fucking encouragement.” He stood suddenly and walked to the other side of the room. “Fuck all this shit, Kyra. I was fucking fine before you had to come and disturb everything.”

Okay, that hurt.
I tried not to take it personal. “Nathan, please…” I stood and walked to him. “The stress of trying might be the very thing preventing it. Maybe we should just… I don’t know… go away for a few days. We could get married and have a little honeymoon like we’d originally planned.” I reached him and went to wrap my arms around his waist and he stepped away from me. “Nathan…”

I reached for him again and he shoved me away. He pushed me so hard I fell to the floor. I stared up at him in shock. I knew he was upset, but he never got physical with me. He was always very careful because of what happened with Yuri and Pavel. Even when we played rough, I had to urge him to use the flogger harder.

“Fuck that, Kyra. I’m not marrying you.”

My heart went into my throat. “What?” I couldn’t believe I heard what I thought I heard.

“I said, I won’t marry you.” He stepped over me and walked to the window. “I realized that all this… this shit with good things… It doesn’t work. It doesn’t last. Life sucks. People die. Hope is for fools.”

“You don’t mean that, Nathan.”

He turned around, his face contorted with rage. “I was fucking
fine
before you fucking showed up and ruined everything!” he screamed. “You fucking ruined
everything
!”

I tried to tell myself it was the grief talking, but it was getting harder and harder to believe it.

He growled loudly and then threw his glass at the fireplace. It shattered, spraying glass and amber liquid all over the place. I flinched, even though I was on the other side of the room.

I stood up, my chest heaving. “I didn’t ask to be brought here, Nathan.
You
brought me. And then you told me you were glad I was here. That I’d given you hope for the first time in years. Don’t give up, Nathan. Things will be okay. I promise.”

“Yeah, I should listen to a woman,” he huffed. “I should have sent you home with Jason.”

I clutched my chest, my heart aching. “You don’t mean that.”

He laughed, but not a nice laugh. “No, I just should have left you as you were originally intended to be. Another one of my sex slaves. Then everything would have been fucking fine.” He glared at me. “I should have listened to my instincts and stayed away from you.”

I felt like he was stabbing my heart with a dull knife. “Nathan, I love you. You love me…” Tears ran down my cheeks. “Don’t let the grief turn you angry and bitter again. Please. You’re a good man. We’re going to move, remember? Move to Croatia and start over.”

He shook his head. “Why would I want to give this up?” He motioned with his hand around the room. “You got into my head and made me want to change. I was a fucking idiot to let you in. Things were fine the way they were.”

I shook my head. “No, Nathan, they weren’t. You’re not thinking straight. Let me take you up to bed. Get some sleep. You’re exhausted and drunk.”

“No, actually my head is pretty clear. Clearer than it’s been in a long time.” He stormed over to me. “You almost fucking ruined my life with getting pregnant. I have a good life here. I have everything I need. And you were going to make me give it all up.” He pulled me around by my hair and I shrieked. “You are going to pay for that.”

He backhanded me across the face. I screamed and tried to get away. If only Mark were here. He would help me. He knew how to handle Nathan. But he was out of town, and I had no idea when he would be back.

Nathan swung his arm again and hit me on the other side of my face, making me scream again, but he let me go. I fell to the ground and started to crawl away, but he grabbed my leg and pulled me back across the wooden floor.

He bared his teeth. “I’ve been stupid, keeping you to myself with my clients. I could have had much more leverage if I’d included you in my negotiations. I don’t know why so many of my clients like to eat pussy, but you are so sweet, they’d probably agree to anything to get a piece of your ass.” He grinned. It was not a nice grin. “I never got into your ass, did I? It’s not a luxury I often have. We’ll have to work on that.”

He held my arms above my head with one hand and lifted up my skirt with the other.

“Nathan, I’m on my period!” I exclaimed, kicking his hands away.

He grinned again. “Well, then, maybe it’s a good time to start stretching your ass out.” He brought his face down to mine. “Go upstairs and put a tampon in and be in bed, naked, in five minutes. If you aren’t ready when I get up there, I will rip into your ass without stretching it first. I’m sure you can imagine the damage I could do.”