Dissident (10 page)

She opened her mouth to speak, then saw the irritated look on his face and stopped.

He waved his hand at her. “Don’t, Caroline. You know how I made my first million? I bought up a small struggling company, laid off all its workers, and sold it to a giant conglomerate that treated their existing employees like shit. No benefits, barely any vacation, long hours – the worst stereotype of the worst corporation you can imagine. And I did it over and over, scores of times, and never lost a minute of sleep over it. Once you do it the first time it’s very easy to do it again. Do you know how many people I’ve hurt so that I could live in the manner I desired? How much do you really know about me, about the kind of man I truly am? I’m not a good person and you know it.”

“That’s an inexcusable thing to say about yourself,” Caroline said. “And I know enough about the media to know that very little of what they say is accurate.”

“In my case, it is.”

She took his hand. “You are not a bad person.”

“I am.” He pulled away from her. “Everything I’ve done in my life has been for my benefit alone. I am egotistical. I’m incredibly self-centered. I have no regard for anyone other than myself.”

“What about what you’ve done for me the past few months?” Caroline asked him. “Do you know what last year was like for me? Ask Christine, Jenny, Katie, Ellen, anyone. They’ll tell you. My behavior was abysmal. I yelled all the time, tried to push everyone away, tried to do anything to forget what it was like to love people, to feel anything, to get attached to anyone. I said a number of regrettable things to my own children, things I can never take back. And you know from personal experience that I treated people I didn’t know, such as certain Republican candidates, with incredible disdain and disrespect.”

Her voice caught. “Then I met you. And the sun started shining again. My life had been so cloudy and bleak. I thought I’d never be able to feel happy.  I’d almost forgotten what it was like to be anything other than miserable. But you make me laugh. You let me burden you with my troubles. Every day you listen to me and never once complain about it. You’ve done so much for me, Jack.”

“How do you know I’m not doing all of this for my own selfish wants and needs?”

“Because you aren’t. I trust you. And your friendship. I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have you in my life.” Caroline squeezed Jack’s hand. “I can get up in the morning and not dread the day. I enjoy going to work. I crack silly jokes again. And I look forward to seeing you, wondering what kind of story you’re going to tell me or what new topic you want to discuss. You’re a good man. I refuse to think otherwise.”

“You’re wrong,” he said.

“I’m not. Maybe you don’t believe it because you’ve internalized all the foul comments that people have made about you.”

“I can’t take back all the rotten things I’ve done.”

“If you think they were that bad, you can remedy them. Anything is possible. You can always move forward.”

“I don’t know how to be anything other than ruthless.”

“Of course you do. You’re not that way with me.”

“I might act that way, eventually. Do you want to take that chance?”

“I do. I want to help you understand who you truly are. You can’t see the impact you’ve had on me, but it’s been profound. And I want to thank you. Thank you for giving me my life back. Thank you for your warmth and companionship. Thank you for being who I know you truly are.” She looked down at her lap. “Thank you,” she said softly.

“You’re a remarkable woman. I’m grateful for every minute I spend with you.” Jack cupped her face in his hands. “And I’m flattered that you consider me worthy of your friendship.”  

“I’m very glad you found me at that party,” Caroline whispered.

“So am I,” Jack said. “Best decision I ever made.”

Caroline looked away from him. The way his eyes were exploring her…she couldn’t stand it. It was too soon for her to feel this way, for her to let anyone in. Maybe she shouldn’t have said those things to him.

“Sweetheart, you’re trembling.” He stroked her cheek and she turned back to face him. “It’s all right. Don’t be afraid.”

He’d called her “sweetheart.” Why had he done that?

Jack held her gaze and started to bring his lips closer to hers. Caroline knew what was going to happen and turned her head to the side. She squeezed her eyes shut again as he withdrew from her.

“It’s late.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “I think you should go.”

“Caroline-”

“It’s okay,” she said. “I’m just tired.”

She heard a small sigh and turned to look at him. He appeared to be incredibly disappointed.

“I apologize.” He stood up. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’ll show myself out.”

Caroline tried to compose herself as he started to walk away. “Wait.” She got up off the couch, meeting him at the foot of the stairs. She took his hand. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I-”

Jack pulled his hand away from hers. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I understand.”

“You’re a good friend. I don’t-”

“Caroline, stop. It’s fine.” He started walking up toward the first floor.

“Jack, please. Wait.”

He turned around as she tried to catch up with him. “I mean it. You don’t have to say anything. I’m here for you, no matter what.” His eyes were distant. “As your friend and colleague. That’s it.”

Caroline looked down at the unfinished wood on the stairs. One of the many projects she let fall through the cracks after Nicky died. She felt another pang of regret thinking about him. About what had almost happened with Jack. But she wasn’t going to let it trouble her. She misinterpreted Jack’s signals. That was all.

“Okay,” she whispered. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Caroline

May

Friday nights were reserved for family. Always. Caroline wanted to spend a quiet evening alone with her children but when they asked if Jack could come over, she wasn’t about to disappoint them. Things had been awkward between the two of them but they’d still seen each other almost every day, acting as if their almost kiss had never taken place.

Maybe that was for the best. Caroline enjoyed having Jack in her life. She didn’t want to lose him as a friend. And even though it had been uncomfortable asking him to stop by, he seemed more than happy to do it, especially since Caroline let it slip that Christine would already be back in Philadelphia for the weekend.

Caroline loved her Fridays because she was able to leave work early and spend a little more quality time with the girls before she had to start making constituent events the next morning.  Mo and Feef were usually willing to come along with her but never acted all that thrilled to do it, so Caroline had arranged for their regular afterschool babysitter to hang out with them for most of the weekend while she schlepped herself across her district.

But tonight belonged to them.  Jack cooked for them again, whipping up a chicken parmigiana dish. Marguerite, Sophie, and Caroline threw together the dessert.  The four of them then played a rather animated game of Monopoly before Mo and Feef went off to bed.  Sophie again insisted that Jack read her a story and gave him a big hug when he left the room.  Marguerite didn’t need any tucking in but still told Jack how nice it was to have him over.

Caroline wasn’t quite sure how the two of them ended up in the basement again; she was afraid that the extra floor in between them and the children would mean that something else, something unpredictable, would happen. But she knew it was all in her head.

“My girls really like you,” she told Jack.

“I know,” he said. “I don’t get it.”

“They’re good judges of character. They’ve never been wrong.”

“I’m sure they’ve been wrong once or twice.”

“Nope.”

“I like them too,” Jack said. “Very, very much. Mostly because they remind me of you.”

“They’re also their own little people.”

“Oh, definitely,” he agreed. “But your bond with them is more than obvious. And they don’t seem to think of me as an intruder, which I like.”

“They like having normal people around.”

Jack chuckled. “I’m far from that.”

“You treat them like kids but you don’t condescend to them. They appreciate that.”

He smiled at her. “Marguerite and I had a very spirited, advanced discussion on
The Wealth of Nations
before we started playing Monopoly. She’s quite intelligent. But I suspect you know that.”

“What was your first clue?” Caroline asked.

“Oh, I think the fact that she beat a woman with a law degree and a man with an MBA at a game of cunning and strategy was pretty telling. And a kid her age shouldn’t know nearly as much as she does about complicated economic concepts.”

“Did you two really talk about Adam Smith?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t even hold a conversation about that kind of crap without feeling like a troglodyte,” Caroline said. “She must have studied up online or at the library, because I don’t have any books like that in the house.”

“That’s because you’re a bleeding heart.” Jack grinned. “Not a troglodyte.”

“I just have other boring interests, like philosophy and sociology. Ask Mo about Carl Jung or Alexis de Tocqueville the next time you come over.”

“I will.” He shook his head. “She’s only eleven.”

“She
is
smart,” Caroline said. “Incredibly smart. She tests much better than I did at her age, and I did extremely well. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up with her when she gets on a tear but she’s careful only to do it with people she knows won’t be put off by it.”

“Sophie can hold her own, too.”

Caroline’s sensitive youngest child tried her best, but was often overshadowed by her big sister. “Indeed she can, but she’s less forward about it. It’s harder for her since Mo is so far ahead of where she is.”

“They seem to get along pretty well.”

She wondered how long that phase was going to last. “Their father’s influence.”

Jack squeezed her hand. “I’ve seen the way they interact with you. It wasn’t all him.”

“Mo has an IQ that’s off the charts. MENSA level. I still haven’t told her.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t want it to go to her head.”

“I don’t see what it would hurt.”

“It’s not just that,” Caroline said. “She’s done so well with maintaining a solid group of friends and keeping up her grades and playing sports…I don’t want her to feel different. To start second guessing herself. She’ll have plenty of time to do that as she gets older. And she already tries to dumb herself down sometimes in ways that make me extremely unhappy.”

“You don’t want her to hide her intelligence.”

“No. I don’t.”

“You do it sometimes,” Jack observed.

She frowned. “I don’t play dumb or anything, do I?”

“No,” he said hastily. “I guess you don’t really hide your intelligence. But you’re very adaptable. You do a good job of relating to people no matter their intellectual level or educational background. That’s a wonderful gift to have. And it’s probably easy for you because you’re so damn smart.”

Aha. She knew a compliment was coming from him at some point. The frown relaxed into a smile. “Thanks.”

They lapsed into silence again. It felt awkward but Caroline wasn’t sure how to address it.

“I’ve missed you a little,” Jack said.

“Really?”

“Seeing you is usually the highlight of my day.” He looked at her with concern. “How have you been doing lately?”

“I’m all right.” Caroline was not eager to get into a deep discussion with him, because she didn’t want to admit that things had been pretty lousy. “How about you?”

“I’m all right,” he echoed, but his tone didn’t match his words. “I’ve got a few things to do in Philadelphia this weekend but I definitely want to spend some more time here before I head home. I’ll probably drive up in the morning.”

“Any dance contests?” she asked.

Jack laughed. “No. Where did that come from?”

“I might have done a little more checking up on you. I saw some footage of you swing dancing at a campaign stop.”

“Ah, that was a good night.” He laughed again. “There was a little old lady who used to do the jitterbug who insisted we sashay across the floor. She didn’t tell me that her granddaughter was recording the entire thing. Or that she was still in such outstanding shape. She wore me out.”

“You looked good,” Caroline said. “Where’d you learn how to dance like that?”

“Cotillions for formal dancing, and I learned swing in college. The basketball groupies and sorority sisters loved that almost as much as my athletic ability.”

She looked down at her hands. “Do you think you could teach me how to dance like that?”

Jack sounded surprised. “Sure, if you want.”

“I’ve always wanted to learn how to dance properly. Nicky and I learned a few basic moves before our wedding but he wasn’t all that good at it.”

“You need a man who knows how to lead,” he said. “I don’t mean that as an anti-woman or an anti-Nick statement.”

“No, it’s true. You have to be confident in what you’re doing. It helps when you can follow along and cheat from the other person.”

“Do you have any good music?”

“Some Glenn Miller, Benny Goodman, oldies, late ‘90s swing revival remakes and originals, that sort of thing. I also have some classic waltzes and American jazz standards.”

Jack gave her a sly grin. “You’ve wanted to do this for a while, haven’t you?”

Caroline shrugged sheepishly. “Yeah. I just never had anyone to ask. You’ll have to be patient, though. I’ll probably step on your feet a lot.”

His grin widened. “Do me a favor and take off your shoes. You can dance in socks for now.”

Caroline set up a playlist on her iPod speaker system and Jack started to teach her a few basic moves. After several songs, he even managed to get her to do a small lift.  She had the jitterbug, Lindy Hop, East Coast Swing, and foxtrot down in a couple of hours.

“You catch on fast,” he said. “Incredibly fast.”

“I don’t know how I’m doing it.”

“Let’s try something with a little quicker pace,” he suggested. “See how you do with that.”

Caroline put “Sing Sing Sing” on the stereo and they started to dance. A minute or two in, she realized that she’d forgotten it was an almost five minute song.  By the end of the dance she was winded. As the music stopped she doubled over, trying to catch her breath.

“You’re killing me, McIntyre.” Caroline looked up at him. He had barely broken a sweat.

“Maybe you’re right,” he said. “Maybe you do need to get to the House gym more.”

“Jackass,” she panted. “If I weren’t so tired I’d punch you.”

“That would be quite improper behavior coming from the nicest person in Congress.” Jack pulled her to a standing position. “How about a classic waltz instead? It’s less jumping around.”

“Okay,” Caroline said. “Just give me a second.”

They cranked out a few more slow dances, and she was again amazed at how quickly she’d caught on. They were twirling across the basement floor to a waltz by Dvorak. Caroline felt as if she was floating on air. Jack’s hands were secure and confident, but gentle. He guided her from move to move, and she realized she didn’t want the dance to end. But soon it was over, right after she’d twirled out of his arms and started laughing.

She clapped her hands, spun around, and turned to him, breathless. She tossed her head back and laughed again, amazed at how she’d managed not to trip over herself yet again.

“This is fun,” she said.

Jack smiled at her. “You really are quite good for a beginner.”

She tried not to blush. “I have a good teacher.”

The next song came on. Caroline recognized it immediately. “The Way You Look Tonight.” She’d forgotten that she added it to the playlist. One of her favorites.

She closed her eyes. “Oh, I love Tony Bennett’s version of this song.”

“Well then, my lady, let’s take this one a little slower.” He reached for her hand and pulled her closer to him.  She put her arms around his neck and leaned in. His cologne smelled so good. They started to dance.

“You’re lovely,” Jack murmured into her ear.

Was that directed at her, or was he mimicking the lyrics?

He was holding her closer than she thought was necessary for a dance between friends, but she wasn’t about to complain. They moved slowly but they’d been practicing all night and were starting to fatigue. Caroline leaned into his shoulder as if it were the most natural thing in the world, not realizing that they had almost completely stopped dancing.

“Caroline?” She heard Jack’s sweet voice again. “I’m not sure we’re dancing anymore.”

“Does it matter?” She lifted her head up.

Jack looked into her eyes. “Not unless it matters to you.”

He slowly brought his lips to hers. She didn’t turn away this time but closed her eyes and waited. It was sweet, kind, tender…and definitely not platonic. And it felt incredibly good, the pleasure wafting over her. She’d forgotten what it was like to be kissed,
really
kissed. She didn’t want him to stop. Jack cupped her cheek in his palm and pulled her closer to him with his other hand. Caroline brought her hands up to his hair and held them there, not wanting it to end.

She had been wondering what it would be like to run her hands through those gorgeous, perfect silver locks. His hair was soft, and she traced her fingers through it as Jack teased her tongue with his. She wanted to tug at it, bring him even closer to her, but then saw Nicky’s face in her mind and pulled away.

Caroline covered her mouth with her hand. “What was that for?”

Jack withdrew his hand from her waist. He seemed to be confused. “I-”

“It was the music,” she stammered. “We - it’s a romantic song. It’s hard not to get sucked into it. It’s fine.”

She thought Jack looked a little unnerved, but he recovered quickly. “Sure. Just a little kiss between friends. It didn’t mean anything.”

“Right.” Caroline kissed him on the cheek. “See? Nothing whatsoever.”

“Yeah.” Jack looked at his watch. “It’s late. I’d better head home. I have to get up pretty early tomorrow.”

“Not a problem.” She exhaled, grateful for the escape. “Thanks for the dance lessons.”

“Anytime,” Jack said. “I mean that.”

“I know.”

“See you on Tuesday?” he asked. “Lunch, maybe?”

“You bet.”

She turned off the music and escorted Jack up the stairs, watching him through the window as he started his Cadillac and drove away. It was nothing, that kiss.  That song, the entire night…they’d gotten too caught up in the entire thing. Dancing could be an extraordinarily sensuous experience between two people who knew what they were doing, and Jack was an excellent instructor. It was only natural that she felt such incredible physical chemistry with him. That was it. Nothing more.