Dissident (12 page)

Caroline

June

They made the long, scenic drive to upstate New York early that morning, stopping at the Baseball Hall of Fame. Marguerite and Sophie were very excited since it was the first year they were able to go to camp together. Caroline was happy for them. They were finally turning the corner with regard to their sorrow, but their mother felt pretty bummed at the prospect of not seeing them for the next two and a half months.

They were spending the night in Cooperstown, which was about two hundred miles from the camp Marguerite and Sophie were attending in the Adirondacks. Caroline could have sprung for airfare, but she appreciated having a few extra days of quality time with her daughters before dropping them off for the extended summer session. They had a few unbreakable rules when they were in the car: no electronics, very limited radio, all chat. It worked well for Caroline and Marguerite the first couple of years Mo went to camp; one year they stopped in New York City for a Broadway show, even though it was far out of the way. It was worth it for the quality time they got to spend together. Nick and Sophie always stayed behind; that was Mo and mommy bonding time.

Caroline watched the girls bounding through the exhibits at the Hall of Fame. She took great interest in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League exhibit, even though she felt it was a little small. The Ebbets Field façade, the other antique items - Caroline had forgotten how cool the Hall of Fame was. How cool Cooperstown was. Set on a lake, surrounded by trees…it was really in the middle of nowhere. Rural New York was such a beautiful place. Almost like the Midwest.

They were strolling through the postseason exhibit when Marguerite doubled back and put her arm around Caroline’s waist.

“So where’s all the Cubs stuff?” she asked.

“Be nice to your mother.” Caroline tweaked Marguerite’s ear. “I don’t see a lot of Nationals stuff here.”

“You can admit your secret Red Sox devotion,” Marguerite said. “I’ve seen all those jerseys you have hidden in the basement closet.”

“I reveal nothing.” Caroline straightened up. “Although I’ve noticed that Orioles hat in your bedroom. You’re one to talk.”

Marguerite laughed. “I like you, mom.”

Caroline smiled. “Good to hear.”

“Are you going to miss us?” Marguerite asked.

“I will, sweetheart. Very, very much.” She stopped walking and gave Mo a big hug, knowing that since there weren’t many people around she wouldn’t mind. Mo was considerate enough to hug her back. Caroline saw Sophie a few feet ahead of them lingering near the end of the hall. “I think we’re almost done here. Want to go get something to eat?”

“Sure. But I want to get a Senators cap before we leave. To appease you.”

Caroline kissed the side of her eldest daughter’s head. She’d been able to instill a good sense of historical perspective in her eleven year old. “You might even be able to goad me into paying for it if you’re nice to me,” she said. “Let’s catch up with your sister and get some food.”

*              *              *              *              *

They settled into a booth at a quiet American style restaurant along the lake.  Caroline and Marguerite swapped gift shop purchases; while Caroline gleefully purchased a Senators hat for Marguerite, her daughter shelled out for a throwback navy blue Cubs hat with the Cubbie Bear holding a bat. It had always been one of Caroline’s favorite old sports logos.  Sophie decided on a Brooklyn Dodgers cap since she loved all the Jackie Robinson memorabilia they’d seen. Caroline promised the girls she’d keep all their items safe until after they returned from camp.

After they ordered, Marguerite turned to her mother.

“So, what are you going to do when we’re gone?” she asked.

“Oh, you know,” Caroline said. “Throw some keggers, work on my meth lab, hang out with other kids to make you jealous, that sort of thing.”

Sophie, who was seated next to Caroline, snuggled closer to her mother. “Really, mommy. We don’t want you to be lonely.”

Caroline was touched by their concern. “I won’t be. I have a job, you know. There will be plenty for me to do before the summer recess comes and we can spend the rest of our vacation together.”

“Planning on spending any time with anyone special in the meantime?” Marguerite asked.

She stiffened. “Excuse me?”

Marguerite glanced at Sophie, who was smiling. “We thought with all that free time, you might want to have someone maybe make you dinner once or twice a week. Since you can’t be counted on to properly feed yourself.”

She relaxed. “You mean Jack?”

Marguerite grinned. “Yeah.”

“He’s a good friend,” Caroline said.

“He’s good at reading stories,” Sophie observed.

Caroline had listened in one night as Jack put Sophie to bed. He read her a book in such a theatrical tone that Caroline never would have known it was him if she hadn’t been standing outside the room. She wondered why he’d never settled down. He was much better with children than she would have thought.

“I-” She wasn’t sure how to play this.

Marguerite gave her mother a sympathetic look. “You’ve been a lot different this year. The last few months, I mean.”

Caroline looked across the restaurant. It wasn’t that crowded. It would probably be a while before their food arrived. But she wasn’t sure she wanted to have this conversation with her children in public. Or at all, frankly.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

Now Marguerite looked uncomfortable. “You’re not as sad.”

She rubbed her forehead, thinking of how much she’d forced her daughters to put up with during the past sixteen months. “I’m sorry I was so useless last year.”

“That’s not what I meant. I just-”

Caroline blinked rapidly. “I still miss your father very much.”

Marguerite sniffled. “I miss him too.”

Shit. She didn’t want to bring her children to tears the day before they were all going to be separated. There were going to be plenty of emotions flowing freely the next afternoon. Caroline could feel Sophie burrowing in closer to her shoulder.

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this now,” she said.

“Maybe you’re right.” Marguerite wiped her eyes. “I’m going to miss you, mom. Will you be okay without us for two months?”

“I think so.”

Sophie poked her head up. “Are you sure?”

Caroline kissed her forehead. “I’m more worried about you. Are you nervous about camp?”

“Kinda,” she whispered. “I won’t know anyone.”

“Your sister will show you around. Right, Mo?”

Marguerite smiled at her younger sibling with genuine affection. “Sure thing, Feef.” She turned to her mother. “I’m getting paid for this, right?”

Caroline rolled her eyes. “No values whatsoever,” she said to Marguerite. “None.”

Marguerite gave her a cheeky look. “Must be genetic.”

Caroline saw the waiter coming over to their table with the food and was immensely grateful for the distraction. “Time to eat.”

*              *              *              *              *

It was a beautiful June afternoon. The sun was reflecting on the lake.  All around them, girls were saying their last goodbyes to their mothers and fathers for at least the next four weeks. Several sets of parents recognized Caroline and came over to give her their regards. Mo and Feef thought it was hysterical, and told Caroline after the adults had left that those grownups wouldn’t like Representative Gerard nearly as much if they knew her the way her children did. And then they laughed at their own old joke, which should have gotten tired a long time ago but had stayed funny.

Feef had a couple of tears running down her cheeks but was being very, very brave. Probably because she’d been told that in just a few minutes, her sister would be allowed to escort her to her cabin.

“Be good, Feef.” Caroline enveloped Sophie in a fierce hug, trying not to cry. “You’re my favorite munchkin. I’ll miss you so much. But you’re going to have fun. You’ll see.”

Sophie sniffled. “What if no one likes me?”

“Plenty of people will like you,” Marguerite interjected. “Bribery. That’s the key.”

“Hush,” Caroline said. “She doesn’t need to learn about bribery until she’s at least nine.”

Marguerite poked her little sister in the ribs. “My turn.” She reached in to hug Caroline. “I’ll miss you. Don’t read my diary while I’m gone.”

“You have a diary?” Caroline asked.

“I have said too much,” Marguerite said.

Caroline laughed. “Don’t worry. I didn’t hear anything you just said. Does it have a lock?”

Marguerite laughed too. “I’m not telling you anything.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to.” She knew that Mo told her far more than most of her friends told their own mothers.  It made Caroline feel good, but also made her wary. She’d never been sure as to how well she maintained proper parent-child boundaries. Caroline had most typically played the role of good cop when it came to discipline. The girls seemed to be doing okay so she tried not to dwell on it too much.

Marguerite leaned into her mother’s ear, breaking Caroline out of her daydream. “If you aren’t dating Jack by the time we get back from camp, I’m going to be hugely disappointed in you.”

She lifted her head up. “What?”

Marguerite pulled back, smiling. “Have a great summer, mom. I’ll write you every day. Mostly so you’ll send me cookies.”

She regarded her eldest daughter warily. “Did you just say what I think you said?”

Marguerite kissed her mother’s cheek, pretending she hadn’t heard her. “I’ll keep an eye on Soph. I promise.”

Caroline gave each of her daughters one more huge hug, then walked back to her car, waving goodbye as she settled into the driver’s seat. Sophie was waving back at her, still looking a little overwhelmed. She got out of the vehicle and blew her youngest daughter a giant, almost vulgar kiss, which made her laugh.

Marguerite was giving her a puckish look. Caroline was mystified by her self-confidence, but proud nonetheless. Her first born child was being much too understanding about this entire situation and Caroline hadn’t even told her all that much.

She wondered whether Sophie felt the same way Marguerite did. Or if they knew something. But they couldn’t. There was nothing to know. Which was what she kept telling herself as she drove down the long, scenic back roads on her way back to the interstate that would take her back to Maryland. Caroline was suddenly dreading the lengthy journey home. She would have many, many hours in the car to spend far too long reflecting upon Mo’s parting words.

*              *              *              *              *

Caroline sat at her dresser after she got home the next evening. She had tossed and turned most of the previous night in a stiff, uncomfortable Syracuse hotel bed, and the remaining drive back to Maryland left her restless.

She picked up the picture next to her jewelry box. It was her favorite photo from the day she and Nicky were married. They were both grinning madly at the camera, thrilled that they were finally taking that next step in their lives. They had considered videotaping their ceremony and ultimately decided against it, but it didn’t matter…Caroline remembered every minute of it.

She caressed the photo then set it back down, holding up her left hand. When Nicky was alive, she always took her rings off before going to bed. But after the accident she left them on, except when they needed a good cleaning. Her left ring finger always looked empty without them.

Caroline let out a ragged breath. She remembered their first date, the first time Nicky said he loved her, the proposal, the wedding, the nights they’d made Marguerite and Sophie, the laughter, the life they’d shared together.

She slid the rings off her finger. They would belong to Marguerite and Sophie someday. If they wanted them.

“I love you, Nicky,” she whispered. “I always will. I know you understand.”

Caroline put the rings in the box and shut it, caressing the design carved on the outside. She stood up, wiped her face, and went into the bathroom to remove her makeup. As she crawled into the cavernous king sized bed she gazed once more at the wedding photo on the dresser, then shut off the light and went to sleep.

Caroline

June

Summer reared its hot and humid head during the first few days of June, and Caroline hurried back inside Rayburn to get out of the sticky air. She’d been avoiding Jack over the past few days, and he’d noticed. She went down to Jack’s office that evening with some reservations. Ever since he confessed his feelings and they shared that kiss, she’d become very confused. But she knew she had to face him eventually and face whatever decision she had to make. Although she was deeply afraid of making the wrong one.

Friendship was safe. Secure. Straightforward. High romance, especially with a man like Jack, was much more than she thought she was ready to handle, to say nothing of the struggles that would come with dating a member of the opposition party whom she saw almost every day. She hated that her life had become so complicated in such a short amount of time.

It was late and it was already dark outside. The door to his office was open and she entered without fanfare. He was the only one still there. Jack was at his desk doing something on his computer. He smiled when he saw her.

“Hey, stranger,” he said.

“Hi.”

“How was camp drop-off?”

“A lot of tears.”

“How many were from Marguerite and Sophie?”

Caroline laughed. “Very few.”

He strolled over to the couch and sat down. “Let’s catch up.”

She took the seat next to him. They sat silently for a few moments.

“You’re not wearing your wedding rings anymore,” Jack said.

Caroline gave him a self-conscious look. “One day I guess I forgot to put them on.”

“So, pure coincidence?”

She rubbed the small indentation where the rings had atrophied the muscles on her finger. “I don’t know.” She couldn’t look at him. “Maybe it’s time for me to move on.”

He opened his mouth to say something then looked at his own hands, which were clenched in his lap.

This was much too awkward, and Caroline didn’t care for it.

“Doing anything interesting this weekend?” she asked.

“Not really. A couple of constituent events, I think. Why?”

“Christine is having a big kickoff fundraiser in downtown Philadelphia.”

“I might have heard about that. I’d forgotten. Are you going?”

“Yes. I might even give her money too. It seems rude to go and mooch off her.”

“She’s going to let you in without the standard toll?”

Caroline laughed. “I get away with a lot.”

Jack laughed too. “After only knowing Christine for a few months, I’m still trying to figure that one out.”

“I assume it’s my intimidating presence and tough exterior, which happens to counter her cheery disposition,” she said.

He smiled. “I think you have that backwards.”

“Are you going to her fundraiser?” Caroline asked.

“I wasn’t planning on it. I’m not entirely sure Representative Sullivan likes me that much.”

She didn’t. Christine had made that perfectly clear on multiple occasions when Jack wasn’t around. Caroline had been careful not to tell Christine too much about what she was feeling for Jack, even though she felt guilty about it. She normally told her best friend almost everything and she knew that Christine had some pretty strong suspicions about the way she had been acting lately. But she wasn’t about to confirm Jack’s hunch.

“She doesn’t know you,” Caroline said. “Chrissy has a hard time warming up to people. It took her a while before she even decided it was okay to like me.”

“Well, maybe her judgment isn’t all that bad. She certainly has good taste in best friends.” Jack’s posture relaxed. “It’s nice that you’re going to a Republican fundraiser. Catching any flak for it?”

“I still haven’t heard the end of it after voting for Bob. I’m trying to keep this appearance discreet, if you catch my meaning.”

“So you wouldn’t want to do anything splashy?”

“No.”

“Wouldn’t want to make a big speech renouncing all your liberal leanings and accepting the beauty of supply side economics?”

“No,” Caroline said.

“Wouldn’t want to get drunk and slosh around on one of the tables behaving inappropriately with a giant elephant?”

She laughed. “No.”

“What if it was an inflatable donkey?”

Caroline laughed again. “Still no.”

“What about dancing seductively with one of the busboys as the night came to a close?”

She smacked his arm. “
No
,” she said firmly, but the laughter was still in her eyes.

His next question was slow to come. “What about going to the fundraiser with me?”

She stared at him. “Really?”

“It might cause a splash, though. A little one. But we can be unobtrusive about it.”

“You’re serious.”

“Yes.”

“You mean like…a date?”

“It doesn’t have to be a date.”

“Then what would it be?”

“Two friends spending time together.”

“And that’s it?”

“Would you want more than that?”

She knew what
he
wanted. Despite her reservations, Caroline put her hand on his thigh. “I don’t know.”

He gave her a reassuring smile. “It doesn’t have to be more than that. But I wouldn’t mind if you stayed at my place. In a guest room,” he added.

Caroline removed her hand and leaned back. “I don’t know if we should do this.”

Jack turned to face her. “Caroline, nothing has to happen. You know how I feel about you. And if you don’t want more than friendship, that’s fine. We can spend some time together over the weekend with no expectations. I mean that.”

She rubbed her eyes. “Christine is going to have a complete meltdown when I tell her I’m not staying with her.”

“Think of a creative excuse.”

Easier said than done, but she could try. “Okay,” she said.

This was not a good idea. She had no clue why she had agreed to it. Jack must have sensed something because he lifted up her hand and kissed the back of it, looking her straight in the eyes.

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, sweetheart.”

“I want to.” And she did, despite her common sense screaming out in opposition. “But you’d better give me good directions to your house because I get lost very easily.”

Jack was already at his computer. “I’m on it.”

*              *              *              *              *

Caroline stood at the balcony overlooking the entryway, waiting for him. She smoothed her little black dress nervously, hoping all the wrinkles were gone. She knew she should have laid it on the backseat instead of putting it in the garment bag with the rest of her clothes. That would have been the logical thing to do, but in her haste to leave it slipped her mind. Now she was going to be self-conscious all night.

She could hear Jack moving around in the formal living room and he soon came out into the foyer and smiled up at her. He was wearing a crisp black tuxedo, impeccably tailored. His silver hair was perfectly parted and his eyes shone with happiness at the sight of her. He was holding a jewelry box in his hand. Caroline walked down the stairs to greet him.

He took her hands and kissed her on the cheek. “You look dazzling, Caroline.”

Maybe the dress looked all right. “Thanks.”

“Still working on that compliments thing, aren’t you?”

“Fighting the good fight, as always.”

“I’ll have to help you with that.” He handed her the velvet box. “I got you a little something.”

She opened it up. Inside was a diamond solitaire necklace that complemented the set of small studs she was wearing. To the untrained eye the chain looked silver, but Caroline knew platinum when she saw it. The diamond hanging from the chain was significantly larger than the setting on the engagement ring Nicky had given her, and that had been over a carat in size.

Caroline stared down at the necklace, unable to speak. She snapped her mouth shut, aware that it was hanging open. Her hand trembled slightly. She had to stop gawking at it, but it was gorgeous. It was more than a little something. This was a wickedly expensive gift.

“I took a chance that you wouldn’t bring too much jewelry,” Jack confessed. “You seem to stick to earrings most of the time.”

She wondered what else he’d been noticing about her. “You’re right,” she said. “I guess I’m too lazy to properly accessorize in the mornings.”

He took the box from her. “May I?”

“Of course.” She turned around so that her back was to him. He lightly touched her neck, brushing his fingers at the few stray hairs below her chignon, making sure they wouldn’t get caught in the delicate chain. He fastened the solitaire around her neck, kissing her where the clasp lay against her skin. She looked down at the round cut diamond, then spun to face him.

“It’s beautiful, Jack. Thank you.”

He took her free hand in his. “I don’t want you to think I expect anything from you because of this. But I wanted to show you how much the past few months have meant to me. I truly, deeply appreciate your friendship. I never thought I’d meet a woman like you.”

Caroline blushed. “There you go with those compliments again.”

She didn’t know what made her do it. They’d shared a couple of relatively innocuous kisses, almost pecks. Okay, maybe one not very innocuous kiss and that other one, the one that made her weak at the knees. The one she dreamt about every night for the past couple of weeks. That one. But she wanted more than that. And he was such an incredibly sexy man. Without wasting too much time dwelling on it, she leaned in and kissed him.

He responded more quickly than she had anticipated, cupping her face in one hand and drawing her body closer with the other. His tongue teased seductively at her lips and she opened her mouth, letting him explore and taste her. Her black clutch slipped out of her hand onto the floor. Jack intertwined his hands with hers, pushing her up against the wall. He pressed his body against hers and she could feel him starting to get excited.

They stood exchanging long kisses for several minutes. Caroline desperately wanted to run her fingers through his hair but she didn’t want to take her hands away from his. His cologne was intoxicating. They teased each other with their hips, their hands clasped tightly together, kissing deeply until they were both out of breath.

Finally Caroline came up for air. “I think we might have wrecked my lipstick. You’re wearing most of it now.”

Jack laughed. “Is it a flattering color?”

She picked up her clutch and took a Kleenex out, dabbing at his lips until she heard the doorbell ring. “Is that our ride?”

“Probably.” He sounded a little disappointed, but leaned in and kissed her cheek before answering the door. “Go reapply your lipstick so we can kiss it off again.”

“If we do that we’re never going to get to that fundraiser. I’ll fix it in the car. Let’s go.”

*              *              *              *              *

Caroline and Jack entered the ballroom. His hand was on the small of her back. That was nice. Not nearly as nice as the kissing, but comforting.

He turned to her. “I’ll get us some drinks. Moscato, I assume?”

“Am I that predictable?”

“Predictable, but delightful nonetheless.”

She beamed at him. “Moscato sounds perfect.”

Jack started walking toward the bar. Caroline barely had a chance to orient herself and start people watching when she felt a yank on her arm.

“What are you doing?” Christine’s crisp voice was even more brittle than usual.

“I’m supporting your Senate campaign. At least, that’s what I assume I’m doing. I’m not helping you launder money, am I?”

“Don’t be coy,” Christine said, still gripping Caroline’s upper arm. “What are you doing here with
him
?”

Caroline laughed uneasily. “Well, um, I suppose it’s a date. We didn’t really talk about that, but-”

“Are you nuts?”

Any direct response to that question would be entirely too unladylike. Caroline wriggled free from Christine’s grasp. “I told him I was coming here tonight and he offered to escort me.”

“This is why you said you wouldn’t need our guest room, isn’t it?” Christine covered her mouth with her hand. “You’re staying with him, aren’t you?”

Caroline bit her tongue. She really didn’t want to get into anything with Christine. Not at her big fundraiser. “Yes, I am. In one of his guest bedrooms,” she added.

Christine’s eyes drifted down to the large diamond around Caroline’s neck. “He gave you that, didn’t he?”

“He might have.” Caroline decided to poke back a little. “You don’t like it? Is it too small for your taste?”

Christine scowled at her, unaware of the looks she was getting from new arrivals. “What are you thinking?” she whispered harshly.