Disasterology 101 (22 page)

He looked ridiculous, and he hated that he wouldn’t be able to feel Kevin’s skin under his fingers.

What’s the matter? Where’s your bravado? Why are you letting the tough guy mask slip off at the worst possible moment?

“…forty-seven…forty-eight…forty-nine…”

Maybe he’ll stay. Maybe…

He put a bottle of lube and a brand new box of rubbers in his pocket, and grabbed an extra pair of gloves.

What if he stays?

“…fifty-three…fifty-four…”

He wasn’t looking forward to explaining to Kevin why they might not be able to have lots of sex. If he was lucky, he wouldn’t have to.

“…fifty-seven…fifty-eight…fifty-nine…sixty.”

Don’t fuck it up, don’t fuck it up, don’t fuck it up….

Kevin came out of the bathroom at the same time as Cedric entered the bedroom.

Cedric reached out and flattened a hand on the wall for support. His heart pounded its way up his throat, and his eyes widened as they slid over Kevin’s still wet, barely-covered-by-a-towel-wrapped-around-his-hips body.

Kevin was incredibly attractive. A hundred times more than he’d imagined. His skin was warm looking. His height fit Cedric’s perfectly, and he was muscled just right. His legs and chest were hairy, but not too much.

I want something different with him.

Cedric curled his hand around the gloves he was carrying. He hadn’t shaken with lust since his first time with a man, but now he trembled with the need to have Kevin. It was so intense he could feel his body burning. He felt as if he’d waited for this particular moment forever.

I want him to want to be with the real me.

But now that he was so close to getting what he wanted, he wasn’t so sure he should take it.

“I’m probably the least qualified person to initiate you.” The words slipped out of his mouth before he could process them.

“Oh Jesus,” Kevin said, disbelief and apprehension in his tone. “Did you change your mind about being with me?”

Cedric shook his head. “But you might.”

“Not in a million years.”

“My sexual life has always been complicated,” he whispered, not daring to look at Kevin. “My first time was disappointing and bloody traumatic, and in order to spare me a repetition I took drastic measures.”

“Okay….” Kevin’s voice was lower than Cedric’s, but he sounded alert and encouraging.

“I’ve always topped, and all the chaps were professionals.” He tugged at his lip ring, removed his hand from the wall, and wiped it on his football shorts. He still couldn’t look at Kevin. He didn’t dare. “I had a boyfriend once but that didn’t last, and I’ve been paying for sex since I ended things with him.” He took a deep breath and glanced at Kevin when he took a few tentative steps toward Cedric. “I rent a hotel room and have it cleaned to my standards, and the chaps…they come prepared. As long as I pay well, they don’t mind following instructions. I’m convinced they’re under the impression it’s all part of a quirky game I like to play.”

“I—”

“Always in the dark,” he continued, “so that I can’t see the mess in the event one happens, and I’ve gone as far as wearing headphones so that I can’t hear any noises.” Cedric swallowed hard and forced himself to look straight into Kevin’s soft, caring, understanding, amazingly dark blue eyes. “And there’s something else.”

“Tell me, please.”

“My OCD medication has some rather unpleasant side effects.” He saw Kevin frown. Rather than letting him figure things out, Cedric decided to be upfront. “I’m insanely attracted to you, and there’s nothing I want more than to be with you, but my equipment sometimes doesn’t come through.”

He had no idea what possessed him to share such embarrassing details with Kevin. It would most likely cost him any chance he would ever have of being with him, but he didn’t regret it. “I wish I were different,” he added when Kevin stopped in front of him, still wet and looking delicious… and totally understanding and sympathetic. Nobody ever looked at Cedric that way without making him feel pitied, but that wasn’t the case with Kevin. “I wish I had enough practice to guarantee a fantastic experience for you, and I especially wish I wasn’t the kind of bloke who might not get hard enough, or freak out if you so much as sneeze in his direction, but this is who I am. My condition and treatment are an ongoing process. It’s only right you know it won’t be easy being with me, and if you decide to stay, your first time will be with someone who’s scared shitless of not being able to perform, and has no idea how to rock your world.”

§ § §

Kevin was speechless.

Incapable of doing anything but staring after the revelations Cedric had just laid on him, he tried to come to terms with the dichotomy between the guy’s pushy attitude and physical appearance, and who he really was underneath the surface.

He remembered thinking at some point Cedric was fragile. He couldn’t have been more mistaken. Granted there was a deep level of vulnerability brought on by his condition, but there was no denying the guy had a huge pair of steel balls. Kevin wasn’t sure he would’ve been able —or willing—to tell a man he was about to have sex with that he might not be able to get it up. More likely, he would’ve done his thing and hoped for the best. But apparently that wasn’t Cedric’s style, and Kevin respected him for owning up to his reality.

Yeah.

It took steel balls to do something like that, but Kevin wasn’t all that surprised.

From what he’d learned, Cedric didn’t let his condition rule his life. He held two jobs, and was in some kind of therapy, which was pretty damn effective, if the way he kissed Kevin was any indication.

And he paid for sex, probably because the first guy in his life wasn’t all that understanding or accommodating, and Cedric figured it was easier that way…or safer.

Yeah. That had to be it. He’d grimaced when he talked about what he’d been doing, and one needn’t be a psychologist to figure out Cedric wasn’t thrilled about the situation. Not only that, but if he was picking up the signals correctly, it was clear Cedric was ready for something else. He yearned for more, and Kevin yearned to give it to him.

Whatever it was, it didn’t matter.

Whatever it takes, I’ll do it for him.

A good starting point would be getting Cedric to stop worrying, stop keeping time, stop thinking about how it was with other guys, and whether he’d be able to perform or not. If Kevin managed to do that, they’d be able to have the kind of earth-shattering sex that would make Cedric come back to him for more.

But they only had thirty minutes.

And Kevin was a gay virgin, he’d yet to learn how to work another man’s body, and it seemed they both suffered from different forms of performance anxiety. Besides, how the hell did one work up a body that couldn’t be touched anyway? How was he supposed to get Cedric horny out of his mind, or at least horny enough to maintain an erection? By
telling
him what he wanted to do? It’d take—

Hold on a second.

That was it!

They had three hours to be together. He could use some of that time to do lots of talking. The soothing variety first, then he’d be able to move onto the raunchy stuff. He’d get Cedric totally worked up without laying a finger on him. Phone sex operators did it all the time, and they didn’t even mean a word they said, so why not him?

Kevin took a lungful of much needed air and moved forward to stand in front of Cedric. The guy was pale, and his arms were crossed over his chest defensively, but his gaze was unwavering… and empty. As if his emotions had left the building.

Had Kevin been lost in his own thoughts for too long? Did Cedric think he was about to get rejected? Shit. He should’ve paid more attention. This was so not the time to overanalyze things. What the hell was he thinking?

“You know….” He lifted a hand and caressed Cedric’s stomach lightly. “It just occurred to me that we’re both new at all this.”

“No,” Cedric disagreed. “I’ve been with men before.”

“You’ve
fucked
men before,” Kevin corrected him kindly. “But, same as me, you’ve never been intimate with a man.”

Cedric frowned and shook his head. “You say it like there’s a difference.”

“Oh, there is.” He took one of Cedric’s hands in his, and pulled him toward the bed. “Rather significant too, I must say.”

“I think you’re wrong.”

“Have you ever been with someone who knew who you really are? A man you allowed to take charge, because you trusted him to be patient and take care of you?” Cedric’s expression grew distant, and his silence boomed in Kevin’s chest. “It doesn’t take much for us guys to get off, especially when we’re young.” Kevin sat on the bed, but didn’t ask Cedric to sit with him. He would whenever he was ready. “A hand job… a quick fuck… Couple of minutes and the sexual need gets fulfilled. But I don’t have to tell you that. You’ve been doing it for years.”

Cedric licked his lower lip, and looked around the bedroom nervously before asking, “But not tonight?”

“You’re going to be my first,” Kevin said in a soft voice. “In turn, I’m going to try my best to give you something you haven’t experienced with anybody else.”

Cedric licked his lips again, but he didn’t avoid eye contact. “Intimacy.”

The way Cedric said “intimacy” sounded like a dream of his, and a nightmare at the same time. It broke Kevin’s heart. He couldn’t imagine going through life so detached from everything… and so untouched.

“Trust leads to intimacy, and intimacy will make our encounter a far better experience than what you’ve had so far.” Kevin let his gaze roam over Cedric’s body with agonizing precision. “I want to be able to make love to you.”

“That’d be unprecedented.” Cedric met Kevin’s gaze squarely. “And I told you there’s a chance I won’t be able to.”

Having spent months looking forward to being with a man in a sexual capacity, Kevin couldn’t help but feel disappointed by Cedric’s answer. He didn’t show it, though. He wasn’t an insensitive asshole.

“Honesty is extremely important to me when it comes to relationships,” he explained. “I lied to myself while I was married, and by extension, I lied to my wife. I can’t do that ever again. You and I have to be upfront about things, and we’ve got to communicate.”

Cedric took a deep breath, and rolled the extra pair of gloves between his hands. “I can do that.”

“Thank you for telling me about the erectile dysfunction,” he said with what he hoped was a reassuring smile. Ignoring the huge pink elephant in the bedroom wouldn’t benefit anyone. “I can only imagine how it makes you feel.”

“Inadequate,” Cedric said quietly. “It makes me feel inadequate, and it frustrates the bloody hell out of me.”

“But like you said, it’s a side effect of your OCD medication, and I understand it is part of loving you right now,” Kevin said just as quietly. “I’m willing to work on it with you.”

Cedric’s face displayed ten different emotions in the blink of an eye. Surprise, confusion, fear, gratitude, disbelief, anticipation, courage, shame, trust, wonderment… Kevin could see them all clearly.

“Why?” Cedric asked, his tone reflecting his facial expressions.

“I know we haven’t known each other very long, and this
will
sound crazy, but I feel like I’m supposed to be here.” Incapable of resisting any longer, Kevin extended one leg and grazed the inside of Cedric’s left calf with his big toe. He wanted to make sure the guy wouldn’t bolt, and he needed the physical contact. “We belong to different worlds,” he continued, determined to keep their conversations honest. “I can think of at least five excellent reasons to take a step back and reconsider getting involved with you. But my gut tells me I’d be making a big mistake if I walked away because it was easier, or more convenient.”

“Are you sure about that?”

Cedric licked his lower lip once again and widened his stance. Kevin couldn’t tell if the guy wanted to brace himself for his answer, or avoid his toe.

“I’m sure.”