Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (28 page)

I nod as I grab for the powder and open the packet. The dust of its contents causes me to squint my eyes as she walks away. Vinnie and Marcus supply endless dealers with clear cuts of pure cocaine. It’s true I’ve been using since being here, but never voluntarily.

Licking my finger then blowing on it gently, I dip it in the bag. Using my fingertip as a paint brush, I scatter remnants around my nose, careful not to ingest too much of the powerful substance. When Shame sees what I’ve done, I pray his disgust for this habit will send him and the others on their way, taking Ace with them for good.

Whore, drug-user, and liar position ready, I head toward the table Shame’s sitting at to find Cassie, another waitress, making relentless moves on him. She doesn’t know about Mace and lucky for her, because if Mace were here, she’d be eating dirt.

“Shame.” My mask of indifference, a side-effect of Cherry on drugs, causes him to do a double-take at the powder around my nose.

Cassie stands from her bent-over position and looks at me, then my nose. I send her an evil glare to not say a word. All the waitresses know I’m not a user, and I can’t afford for her to blow my cover of lies.

Shame says nothing, but I see his jaw ticking. He’s angry, which is exactly what I need him to be.

His voice, though, is soothing, no matter the tone. I’ve missed him and all the others sent here to help me. “Sit the fuck down, Cherry.”

Masking a bothered tone, I answer his demand. “Busy, Shame. Why are you here?”

“You’re not busy, so sit
the fuck
down.”

“Nope.” My sarcasm, another side effect of me using, causes his glare to deepen. My parents, friends, and Vinnie’s clients hated it.

Please, Shame. Hate me. Walk away and hate me forever, but get Ace out of here.

“What’s that shit you’re wearin’ on your face?”

I answer, again sounding bored. “Just a little pick-me-up is all.”

He nods, looking uninterested. “And the bruises? Those part of the ‘pick-me-up’ too, or just the blow?”

“No.”

“No, what?”

Rolling my eyes, my whoring-liar persona in place, I make another attempt to placate him. Shame’s not an easy person on a good day, let alone when he’s pissed off. “No, Shame. The bruises aren’t part of it. I fell.”

Putting his thumb to his bottom lip, he rests his elbow on the table. He’s thinking and if I stand in front of him for much longer, he’s going to see through me, and I can’t afford for him to do that.

Leaning forward, nearly off his chair, the hiss in his voice causes me to swallow hard. “Cherry, I’m not buyin’ that you fell…
on your fucking face
.”

“I don’t care what you buy or don’t buy. I have to get back to work. Nice seein’ you. Tell Mace and the girls I said hello.”

Shame’s eyes look me up and down. When they come back to my face, I see him look behind my shoulder. When I turn around to leave, I nearly smack into Ace as he now stands in front of me.

Briefly, I let my chest fill with ache and longing. His face is so broken, both physically and emotionally. The scars on the outside will heal, but those I leave across his heart and soul will burn in the light of the hate he’ll have for me forever.

Shame rises from his chair as Ace stands speechless, taking in the powder I’m still trying not to unintentionally consume.

“I said, sit the fuck down.” Shame’s command is no longer comforting. He’s no longer disgusted; he’s downright angry and has reason to be.

Ignoring him, I clench my hands, willing them not to shake. I look again to Ace as he stands now beside me. “Ace? Why are you still here?”

Ace searches my body, my face, and my eyes. I watch as his hands ball at his sides, the knuckles of his fists turning white. When he doesn’t answer I start to walk away, but I’m jolted back by the grasp of his hand on my arm. “You’re fuckin’ using? Last night…”

“Last night was your fault. You shouldn’t be here. You’re not welcome in my life.” As I say it, I feel the essence of my broken spirit being spilled at my feet for examination in front of Shame, who doesn’t say anything.

Ace’s face softens from its angry disposition, but I can feel the undertone of anger as he grips my arm and tries to pull me with him. I make a quick glance to Honor, Gunner, and Hem, the silent soldiers who wait for the damsel to make the decision to run and save herself from the evil king.

As tempting as their efforts would be to others in my situation, I won’t leave without my son.

Rolling my eyes, looking both bored and bothered, I explain further. “You’re my past, Vinnie’s my future, and I can handle Marcus.”

“Bullshit. You’re lying. You said you loved me last night, Rae. That’s the second time you said it and the second time I heard it.”

“I’m not lying about anything. I thought you were going to die because of me. What did you want me to say?”

Shame moves to stand at my back, guarding me from those that walk by. I’m standing in the middle of two great men who have dedicated their time to set me free.

My confidence is quickly fading. I need them all to leave before Vinnie, wherever he may be, catches the scene as its being recorded.

Ace doesn’t budge. “I’m not leaving.”

“Then can I get Tara to bring you another beer?” I’m back to business.

“Fuck that, Cherry. Let’s go!”

Ripping my arm from his hold, I make my way to pass him. I hear Shame call his name as Ace’s curses loudly behind me but thankfully, he doesn’t hold me back.

Once I find Tara behind the bar, I tell her I need a minute and start toward the ladies room. Ace meets me at the entrance before I have a chance to escape, Shame and now Hem following closely behind.

Abruptly, I’m pulled to his body, mine slamming into his. His stance is angry, his eyes full of hate, and his words vault me into a panic, the sneer causing the last bit of my courage to dissipate. “Do you see yourself right now? Do you recognize yourself? You’re a willing victim, Cherry. Where the fuck is Rae? What happened to her, ‘cause I can’t find her.”

I see Hem before Ace feels him. Grabbing Ace’s shoulders in a rough pull, Hem yanks Ace back and causes him to free his hold on me. Shame’s in my face the moment I’m free. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Your face is bruised, you’re high as a fuckin’ kite and your life is back to shit, Cherry.”

Ignoring Shame, knowing he wouldn’t ever harm me physically, I relive Ace’s words as I turn my back, not offering an explanation, and make my way into the woman’s bathroom behind me. Before walking into it, I chance a look to Ace who’s being held back by Hem. Hem’s face is breaking in the sadness I already feel. Shame’s angry pose stands towering next to Ace, but it’s Ace’s face I find the most painful to take in.

I’ve only been gone eleven days… and he
hates
me. That didn’t take as long as I thought it would. The freedom I should feel from this knowledge doesn’t come.

When I look at myself in the mirror, knowing it was all a lie to keep everyone safe, I still feel disgusted with myself for hurting them the way I did.

Opening the bag of Vinnie’s cocktail, given to me by Tara, I empty it onto the dirty basin and scatter the remnants carefully with the edge of the plastic. I don’t take the time to line it up as I would’ve while I was using. I’m impatient for the familiar escape it offers.

After the first breath into my body, I feel the powder start to take effect.

After the second, I feel my emotional state waning.

After the third, I realize I should stop.

After the fourth, I don’t want to.

I keep going until I feel my heart race in my chest as my lungs give way to the drug’s paralyzing effect.

After the fifth, I know my life as Raegan is over.

I find a split-second of peace before closing my eyes and begin to sway.

Decklan’s smile and innocence carry me forward as I find the solace I’m looking for.

My dad’s strong arms surround me as my childhood replays in the darkness of my mind.

Ace’s face, his voice, his laughter, and his touch consume me right before I let go.

Reagan… I love you.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Ace

SHE’S BEEN IN there too long. She’s not coming out until she knows I’m gone. Her defiance, although expected, was nothing compared to seeing her with traces of her high marring her already-bruised face.

Hem settles next to me as I stand near the wall, resting my hand at the entrance to the ladies room. “What do you want? This is your call, Ace. We can go in there and force her out, but from what I see she doesn’t want to go.”

“She’s high as fuck. She doesn’t know what the fuck she wants.” Shame’s frustrated tone echoes among us.

“In the basement last night, she was her.
That
was Raegan. Tonight, she’s scared. This is about Decklan.”

Tara, sensing the situation, walks toward us without hesitation or concern. “Where’s Cherry?”

Shame nods to the bathroom and quickly she follows the direction he indicates. Giving her a few minutes alone to think about this seems the only viable solution. Before we can discuss a plan further, I see Vinnie’s monkey, Dominic, walking our way. He’s an extremely large man and my face throbs momentarily, remembering the strength he packs behind his punch.

Hem pushes Dominic’s chest once he arrives. “Get the fuck back to wherever it is you came from, brother.”

“Your time is up. You all need to go. This comes from the boss.”

Shame laughs, a loud, exuberant laugh full of condescension and disdain.

Dominic doesn’t have a chance to respond. We hear Tara’s scream from the bathroom and without fearing any consequence of the back-up of Dominic’s man coming our way, I rush inside. What I find causes my heart to
bleed
.

Cherry’s on her side, vomit lays near her face and her body is racked with jolted movement. Looking to the counter top near the sink, I see the empty bag and remaining contents spread thinly; the majority of the powder gone.

“Fuck!” I roar while Tara steps back.

My knees hit the concrete as I grab her head and rest it in my lap, moving her hair from her face. The fear she’s worn since I’ve known her is gone. Her body, no longer tense with frustration, is relaxed. Her skin is warm, but her chest is unmoving. Bending down, I don’t feel the rush of her once-heated breath against my skin.

“Shaaaaame!” I hear the strain in my voice as I call for him, unsure if he heard me over the screaming voices of rage, betrayal, hurt, and anger as they play on repeat in my head.

What have I done?

I hear Hem outside the door as Dominic asserts his efforts to gain entry.

The hand squeezing my shoulder is weak as I look up and see Tara’s eyes releasing tears one by one. “I’ll call 911. Stay here.”

Shame passes Tara at the door, and he doesn’t hesitate once he sees a lifeless Cherry in my arms. Once he makes his way to us, he bends down without sitting and scoops Cherry into his arms. After gaining a solid grasp on her, he stands and carries her out of the bathroom. I follow directly behind him.

Once Dominic takes in the situation, he turns to walk away; fear, anger, and confusion mark his features. Turning into me, Shame’s strength plants Cherry at my chest. “I’m going after him to find out where the fuck her kid’s at.” Looking to Hem, Shame finishes, “Can you help Ace take her outside?”

“Fuck that. You’re not goin’ anywhere alone. I’ll have Gunner and Honor with him. You and I’ll go meet whoever we gotta meet.”

Shame nods in compromise. He looks through the crowd and when Honor catches his hand motion to get Gunner, he moves toward the exit that Gunner’s sitting stationary at so they can make their way here.

My rage carries itself to the words of fury I’m expelling. “I want him. This isn’t for you, Shame.”

Rightfully, Shame’s patience for me is thin, at best. Shame looks to Cherry laying in my arms, her head falling back and her long strands of dark hair falling toward the floor. Her small body needs immediate attention. He doesn’t have time to deal with my need for revenge.

Lowering his eyes to mine, he stands above me, and his words are true. Whispering the best he can, maintaining a control I’ve never watched him practice, he gives me the advice I need but don’t want. “If this is it for her… if this is all the time she has left, you should be there with her when she goes.” Pausing, he looks to Hem who openly stares with regret to the possible consequence standing in front of him. “Ace, don’t leave her alone in this. If the girl has ever needed you, it’s right fuckin’ now.” His tone changes with his last request. The sincerity of brothers leaving and in its place, his own certainty erupts. “Decide now. If you don’t carry her out of here and wait for them to help her, give her to me and I will. She’s not going to her death alone if that’s what she’s headed for.”

My chest tightens and my arms weaken as I take in her dying form. If this is all I have, he’s right; my vengeance will be met, but not by my hand. Shame’s determination to protect and save Cherry was announced just by him being here. Hem will ensure the debt her monsters owe her will be paid with their blood.

“I’m goin’ with her.”

“That’s what I hoped you’d say.” Turning his back, he walks away with Hem at his side. Honor and Gunner make no move to stop to check on Cherry. Their allegiance to vengeance matches the others.

Bending down, I kiss her still-warm forehead. “Stay with me, baby. Just for a little bit longer.”

Tara clears a path and as we hit the open air outside, I hear the ambulance making their way to us, sirens blaring.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

Ace

ONCE THE PARAMEDICS take her from the ambulance, they push her gurney into a room already set up and waiting with a team of doctors and nurses that will do everything they can to help her survive. I’m pushed aside and the doors close, locking me out, allowing them uninterrupted space to work.

“She’s not responding.” Moving quickly, the nurses remove themselves from her body as the doctor uses the paddles again to attempt bringing her back for the second time.

As I watch this happen, my mind gives its way to darker thoughts. I’ve failed her. My head fills with the possible loss, and I’m watching the crowd around her as though it’s too late and she’s already gone, making their efforts futile.